For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@NoMoreJobs sending huge hugs. I'm so glad you were able to be with your mum.

I promised her she could let go and that we'd all be ok and look after each other. I want to make her proud.

I can totally relate to that, and I think one of the things that is messing with my head at the moment is that I kind of want to live the rest of my life Dad as well as for me but I don't really know where to start and have so much emotional stuff to wade through first I'm just constantly frustrated and pissed off at myself for not doing better.

Hello,

Could I dip a toe in? I joined some threads here after my mum died but found it difficult to keep on top of posts at the time. Mum died on Christmas Day of covid and I’m really struggling and would like to give/receive support from others who understand.

Hi @wlv12 and I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.
It's all tragic (I lost my mum a few weeks ago and so many others on this thread) but on Christmas day - that's so hard.
Glad you posted.

@wlv12 what a bloody awful day of all of them to have to relive when it rolls round, I'm really sorry. Do you have a supportive partner? Any children? Xx

@wlv12

Am dreading Christmas too not because my mum passed away on that day mum died on 5th march but because there was always a build up to Christmas with mum. She'd be asking what the kids wanted and i'd take her every year (except last year as I did all of her Xmas shopping online). We'd visit mum with the kids and they'd all be super excited and mum would be smiling and hugging them. God am going to miss that this year. I imagine for yourself you will be missing all of this too plus this will be the anniversary. I think we will all just have to cope the best what we can. I really hope that am not tearful just for the kids I don't want their day spoiled. I still have my dad and I love him to bits but Christmas, birthday's any sort of special days or celebrations this was my mum's thing for me and my sister's whole life. I have the last birthday card from mum in my living room it's depressing to know that there will be no more cards from mum. Maybe you could light a special Christmas candle for your mum on the day and keep it burning all day so that there is still a presence nothing compared to your mum I know but it is something to remember her (not that u will need any help with that am sure). Am not religious but when I used to live abroad years ago sometimes friends of mine would go to church and light a candle in memory of loved ones who had passed away and it always felt warm and peaceful. I know that there are often Christmas Eve services in churches maybe some like that would help bring you a little peace. Like I said am not religious but am giving it some thought myself to go along and lighting a candle for mum at Christmas time if anything it will just give me something to do, to make me feel that I have done something for her.

Take care xx

I dread Christmas becayse my mum never got to meet my children and this Christmas I will have a toddler and a newborn and I just wish she had got to meet them so bad

I can't even begin to comprehend Christmas, we can't have dad's funeral till the 20th Oct, so long to wait. I've come home for a couple of days, and I'm struggling a bit with my partners attitude, yes he's given me hugs/cuddles etc, but I was crying on the sofa last night and all he did was rub my leg and didn't say anything. He was watching tv later, and laughed at something, I wanted to scream at him, how can you fucking laugh??? I wouldn't say he's being unsupportive, he was calling all the time I was at mum's. It almost like now I'm home, he doesn't know what to do or say to me. I guess I don't either really. I'm just so utterly exhausted, bereft, I don't even know what word describes how I'm feeling. Compounded with worry about how mum is going to cope, as dad did everything. It's just too much.

@mrssunshinexxx

I know it's so sad isn't it am sorry that ur mum never met her grandkids that is a real shame. I worry that my kids will forget her I think my daughter who's 8 will remember her more than my son who's 6 ♥️

@Testarossa44

I recall having to wait too not as long as urself we waited all weekend for mum to get moved from the hospital to the funeral home as she died on a Friday night wasn't until Mon afternoon before she was moved and we got to see her again on Tuesday. That was awful but I went 4 times as I couldn't stand her being alone in the room. After that it was a good fortnight before her funeral. The wait is excruciating but the time will pass and before you know it the day will be here. It's just the beginning tho of a long journey but I remember feeling in limbo waiting for mum's funeral date I hope the time passes quickly for you ♥️

Thank you for your kind words. It's all so so hard, just want my dad back the pain is unbearable

I'm sorry for all of those joining us. I hope you find some comfort and support here. We are all at different stages but we all (sadly) understand.

Dare I say, I feel a teeny frisson of excitement about Christmas. Last year was just awful. Mum had only been gone for 3 months, we were all but locked down (we were isolating as DC2 was a close contact and this isolation period lasted most of the Xmas break). It was a very lonely, sad and depressing time both personally and in general. I never want another Christmas like that!!

My mum adored Christmas and I've always said I'll honour her by going to as much effort and making as much fuss as she always did. She was Christmas!!! The photo we had on her funeral card (and the photo I have up of her) was in front of the Christmas tree and she was so bloody gorgeous and happy.

So this year instead of crying in the kitchen all day I'm going to do mum proud. I know there will be tears, I just hope not as many as last year.

Hi,

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

I am really dreading Christmas; mum died alone on Christmas Day due to the covid restrictions so I have a lot of trauma associated with that; flashbacks and a diagnosis recently of PTSD. I don’t know if she knew she was dying as communication was poor but I know that they asked staff in charge if one of us could go in to calm mum down as she was distressed and crying and the nurse in charge said no.
I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that knowledge that she was alone and frightened and we couldn’t go to her - my memories of last year are raw pain and screaming to be with her, my whole body wanting to hold her and take some of her distress away and I couldn’t.

I’d cancel Christmas but I have 2 children so I think we will move Christmas to another day and have Christmas Day as a day for remembering mum.

@Crunchymum thank you for sharing how you feel a year on; thoughts of having a lovely time to honour your mum but also some time for a few tears sounds positive and something your mum would love too

@Testarossa44 - the wait for the funeral is so hard. It was a while for mum and then I felt like I became anxious about life after the funeral too .

@wlv12 Goodness I am so sorry to read about your Christmas. My mum also died alone, in August, due to covid restrictions. She had tried to ring my dad but couldn't hold the phone and died within the hour. It's so hard to think of isn't it.

@wlv12

I am so sorry to hear that not only did you lose your mum on Christmas day but you have all of the associated guilt and sadness surrounding the actual circumstances. It breaks my heart when I hear how Covid robbed people of such basic rights.... being with loved ones at the end is such a fundamental thing.

That said guilt is also a huge burden too and I think you may have to explore ways to work on the guilt. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want her death to tarnish Christmas for you and your children.

Whilst we torture ourselves about the last weeks / days of our beloved parents, their pain is over now. 💜

Hi @Testarossa44 I just wanted to reach out to say I am so sorry.
We are in similar situations, I'm 3.5 months ahead of you - my mum collapsed and died completely out of the blue in June.
Tests showed she had a sudden heart aneurysm. She was in her late 60s and perfectly healthy otherwise and we had no idea it was coming. I have two small children to parent and a full time job to maintain and it's been hell. We were so close.
I send you all my support.
I'm so sorry to everyone who has joined recently. I'm also sorry for not staying in touch with the thread.

@wlv12 - that must be incredibly hard, Christmas is bad enough as it is without it being the anniversary for your mum. I am already putting the word out that we want a quiet and simple Christmas, I’m not sure how we’re going to work it, but I really can’t get excited about it at all.

We’re 6 weeks on from losing mum, it feels like yesterday and an age at the same time. I’m still having flashbacks both to her death and the funeral and it breaks my heart every time I look at her photos, the pain is less raw but I still feel numb, and also guilty for carrying on “as normal”.

I still can’t believe that she’s gone.

@frostyfingers

Please don't carry the guilt of carrying on as normal. Your life isn't normal anymore but you still need to live. I found guilt was a huge part of my early grieving it is a natural response. Time froze for me when my mum died and I was in limbo for a good 4 months then I slowly started clawing back a bit of "normality" bit by bit but nothing is the same now it never can be. You can go about your daily life but you yourself like me and every else on here we are changing forever. I had a birthday party today for my son and I was talking to some if the other mums. People who I don't really know and they don't know my situation that my mum died. We were talking about siblings rivalry my daughter was all stroppy because her brother was getting presents and she wasn't so we were saying that we couldn't recall acting like that as kids then they both said one after the other that they could always ask their mum who's sure to remember. I was struck silent because it hit me that those memories are all gone they all died with my mum it's just so sad isn't it. A lot of people talk about feeling that something inside then has died I can relate to that 100% it's like a light is switched off now inside me.

Eventually you will let go of some of your guilt this happens through time the feelings of guilt aren't as strong they still exists but it is less overwhelming less all consuming.

I recall in the first weeks doing the school run and being amazing how everyone else was still there looking the same, talking about the same stuff and then there was me walking around in a living nightmare it was all very disturbing but I had to do these things there was no alternative really kids still had to go to school but I dropped the ball on many many things. I could cook a meal for weeks or face the supermarket for several months I just couldn't stand the "normality" of it all. I did venture into Asda one day and came out howling because a sad song came on one that mum would have like it took over my whole day.
I was off work for nearly 5 months and couldn't face going back to my old job. It's difficult to explain but I just can't stand returning to everything how it was before mum died it just feels so wrong so I have taken a temporary post for 6 months it's a huge pay cut but I couldn't face going back. I think it's impossible to go back once your mum or dad is gone

Often I think back when my grand parents died my mum's parents and admire my mum's strength she never grieved hugely in front of me and my sister I don't recall her crying all that much. Of course we were all sad but somehow my mum made the impact on us very minimal. I wish I was as strong as her.

Yesterday was one of those anniversaries - my father’s birthday, he died forty years ago. I used to ring my mum on his birthday and yesterday was the first time since I was a child that I didn’t, I kept saying to myself “must ring” and going to the phone and then realising that I couldn’t.

Absolutely @Ttc42nearly43, I’m agree about looking at other people in amazement going through their usual routines whilst my world has collapsed, I’m going through the motions of getting on with it whilst inside I’m breaking.

I have made some changes to my life but unfortunately one of them won’t come into effect for a few months and I’m counting those down. Once that’s out of the way there will be less pressure and I’m actually looking forward to having some time to do things that I want, rather than the stuff that I have to do. Everything is so rushed at the moment, I’m lurching from one thing to another and it’s exhausting.

Heading back to my mum’s this afternoon, oh how that hurts not to say mum and dads. Not looking forward to being surrounded by his things and memories, but my mum needs me. I don’t know how I feel anymore, I’m numb, exhausted and wandering round in a daze, just spending time staring at the tv, not really watching it. I also feel physically sick, to the point of actually retching, but bringing little up. It hurts seeing others going about their lives, I just want to scream at them, irrational I know. I’m currently contemplating handing my notice in and looking for something new. I work as a nanny, and just cannot cope with the thought of being all chirpy and cheerful with the kids I look after, when all I feel is broken. I’ve been signed off sick for all of October, but just can’t handle the thought of going back.

@Testarossa44

Please don't make any quick decisions let a bit if time pass first then see how u feel. I was off work nearly 5 months. 3 weeks after my mum died I told my husband I wanted to split up in the end we never it it was really touch and go. Am glad as looking back I couldn't have coped with that too. I also wanted to move house up to when my mum is buried. Husband didn't agree of course he never does. I was all ready to move out and rent somewhere closer to the cemetery, my dad and sister. I still want to move there but since then I have become less unsettled as I was back in March and April time. I'd say get signed off ur work for as long as you need to be off then when u are feeling like you want to return to work which could be a long time from now then make a decision about ur job u may feel differently then. I found I was not thinking straight at all only now more than 6 months on that I now feel that I might just about be keeping a handle on things but still have lots off days where I feel like am going to loose my s**t too. Try not to put any pressure on yourself right now. Each day when u go to bed ur head will be bursting but try to say to yourself that you made it through that day and that is a great achievement under such difficult times.

@Ttc42nearly43 you sound v similar to me initially my marriage was at breaking point and I was adamant I wanted to move to the village where my dad lived but my husband kept telling me it wasn't right and I hated him for it at the time. Fast forward and I'm now NC with my dad because he has moved on so fast and IMO totally disrespected my lovely mum I'm so glad my husband did what he did even though at the time I hated it all. We are now back to normal but it's taken a long time but I'm so glad we got through this I hope it's the biggest test we ever have

@mrssunshinexxx

Yes mine does sound very similar to your reaction. I know that we have spoke of our husbands before. I still wish that I was more local to my mum's final place of rest and my dad and sis. Dad is 76 and sis has MS but we have a nice house and the kids love their school and their friends so am just leaving that topic for now.

My marriage still isn't great but I certainly feel now that my life would be far more difficult had I walked out. I'd be renting a 2 bedroom flat probably instead of our 3 bedroom house and would have shared custody of the kids. I have visions of me sitting alone in the flat without the kids and no one there to warm the bed at night. Granted we are mostly at opposite sides of the bed with a huge gap between us but he's still there and we are still together to that must go for something.

When faced with such a tragedy it makes you rethink everything but I know now that it is better to stick with what you have until you feel a bit more settled then re-evaluate.

My other half told me I was being ridiculous about my job, he’s probably right, he’s said I’m just not thinking right. I’m back at my mum’s now, it was awful driving over, it’s 75 miles. I always used to look forward to coming, seeing mum and dad, popping into town, walking the dog (who passed in June) dad off to golf Sunday morning, and then one of his amazing roast dinners before I went home Sunday evening. I’ve NONE of that too look forward to anymore and it hurts like hell. Been cursing at him this afternoon trying to figure out and work his swanky smeg cooker, got there with the help of the internet, but it’s not intuitive at all and I was getting super frustrated and shouted at him for wanting a posh oven., then I sat i on the kitchen floor and cried, Why does everything have to be so hard, everything seems such an effort….

It is just such a huge strain On a marriage , grief. @Ttc42nearly43 I am lucky in that my husband was very close to my mum more so than his own mum I know he misses her dearly he brings her up lots and talks to our toddler about her for which I am so grateful. Sorry to hear things are still tricky for you but agree it's best not to act too hastily would you have marriage counselling? X

I'm in a similar position. My marriage is broken and just before mum passed away my husband was in the process of leaving. (Again) my choice. When we found out about mums illness he asked if he should stay for now. I told him that he had to as I wouldn't be able to cope well with the kids as I thought I would be looking after mum.
I had that, went to say mum & dads. Quickly changed it to just Dads 😪
We are in the process of arranging mums funeral. My god it's to hard to do. My dad has gone to pieces so it's all up to us to organise. Which of course I don't mind but it's heart wrenching. I have 2 weeks compassionate leave. I'm due back next Monday. I really cannot face going back to work. It's a very stressful job and extremely busy. Do you think I can get a doctors note for more time off?