For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

I can feel the pain in each word of your post @Muddlebubble I wish I could hug you. She was just as lucky to have you as you were to have her. Do you have children / a partner ?
Life is brutal

@tiredvommachine

to all on here, my mum died on the 15th

I know how hard it is loosing your mum my thoughts are with you. It's a long slow journey definitely not for the faint hearted but you are thrust into this life with any options you just need to get through each day as best what you can and try to live your life with a few glimmers of joy but it takes a long time to find joy in anything. I only find joy in my kids even then it's a struggle. Do you have a good support network?

I do have a partner and children, seeing them also grieve is killing me inside, i want to take it away from them

It just doesn't feel real.

I went and sat in her house today, so empty and quiet hoping she would show me she was there, she doesn't feel like she is anymore, i laid on her bed and cried, i smelled her clothes i cuddled up with her pillows i talked to her.
I would give anything to have her back

Oh @Muddlebubble I'm so sorry you've had a tough time today.

I'm also struggling with that feeling of absence.

I'm semi woo/semi religious...not sure what I believe but definitely that there's more than just this world.

When I've lost other, less close people, I've felt their presence and seen signs...but I've yet to feel that with Dad in any significant way.

I think it's because I haven't had the chance to be still since he died...hopefully that will change over the next couple of weeks.

@Muddlebubble

This is very difficult going back my mum was in a care home even though she was young at 66. I went the day after she passed away with my dad to pick up her stuff it was all very strange being in her room surrounded by her things and for her not to be there. I kept expecting to see her coming through the door in her wheelchair or hear the toilet flushing because she was in the loo but there was nothing but silence. All of her things were there including a teddy I gave her years ago for mother's Day she had it on her bed and even after 6 months it still smells of mum. My kids call it granny bear I slept with the bear for months even taking the bear and a picture of my mum with me if I was ever away over night. I would cling onto the bear like I child this went on for ages but I knew I needed to get the bear out of my marital bed not at lleast because my husband couldnt get near me as I was always hugging mum's bear. So now granny bear lives on my shelf next to my bed and gets hugged and smelt on a daily basis but stays on the shelf. I also took mum's pillows from the home and have only just last week placed them in storage under my bed. I wanted to lay my head where she had laid hers that gave me a little comfort in the earlier months but they needed to go as my neck really started to hurt and I had to change my pillows but they are there right under me in my ottoman storage.
When mum died just a few days before mother's Day I bought us necklaces one that says daughter in a heart and the other with mother in a heart. I put this on mum before she was buried and I put in a letter which I had written to her. I wear my necklace every day and image that one day I will pass it onto my daughter.
I don't know if any of these things will help you but maybe doing something similar will bring a bit of closeness. I recall climbing into my bed with granny bear and wearing one of my mum's cardigans just to try and feel close to her. I still have the cardigan in my wardrobe unfortunately there isn't much scent on it now but I still have granny bear. It feels like such a small thing nothing compared to having my mum but what else is there to do you need to hold onto the little things as there is nothing else left.

@MintyCedric

I hope that one day you will find a way to reconnect with your dad. I haven't had anything remotely like a connection from mum I don't really have beliefs of the afterlife I have wishes so much in the last 6 months that something would change my mind about this but so far mum is totally gone. My daughter experienced very vivid dreams of mum which was upsetting for her. She used to dream every night that she could see her granny in the distance with a light behind her and she would run towards her and her granny would vanish into the light. Some people might say that this was real. I said to my daughter that this was her granny telling her that she was alright that the light was granny going up into heaven to join her mum and dad. Let's hope that this is true and that one day we will all be with our parents again.

Weirdly, about an hour after writing that last post I went to take my bin out and as I did it started raining.

When I turned to come back in, there was a vivid double rainbow which, from the back door my house was right in the centre of.

I've been in my house 3.5 years and whenever we get rainbows they are off to the far left or at the front of the house. Felt like the sign I've been waiting for although I realise that will sound batshit to others!

I'd love to have something that smelt of my dad...my mum is a clean freak. Dd asked for dad's tweed cap but mum washed it first .

I'm so sad today. I can't believe none of us saw her before she died. I watched a video of her yesterday of the day before she went into hospital and she was just so there, you know. And now she is gone.

@Ttc42nearly43
That is so lovely, that little bear, my girls have the teddies that were on my mums bed, all the ones we got her over the years.
My mums birthday was a couple of weeks ago and we got her a locket, we also have matchinf bracelets, mums with a big heart with 2 little hearts cut out and mine and sisters with the 2 little hearts.

The blanket she died with on her i leave at her house, the smell is so strong of her i could soak it in all day but i don't want the smell to go! We are getting teddy bears made out of the blankets for the kids ( just like to point out they never had any fluids or anything on them, they are clean) just smell exactly like mum, they are soft blankets.

It's just so unfair, i went on to my Facebook memories today and this time in 2014 i posted about having a awful dream that my mum died and how upset i felt all day, talk about a nightmare turning into reality.

I was thinking last night, little things like clothes shopping, i have no one to go with anymore, getting our nails done, just going for dog walks, i have no one else to do these things with

@Kitkatchunkyplease I torture myself with videos too it's brutal

@Muddlebubble

Try to let yourself have sometime wrapped in your mum's blanket it will give you comfort and the smell will stay if it is strong. Granny bear will be with us forever it sounds morbid but I will have granny bear buried with me. I plan on going into the plot with mum. I have been went as far as buying the plot next to mum so that eventually we will all be together. That is such a sad though isn't it. I think about my kids going up to the cemetery to lay flowers at my grave like I do every week with my mum. Am terrified that my dad will died he is 10 years older than mum and dread the day that I will be laying flowers down for both of them. Am not ready at 43 to be without parents. I know some people might think that's quite old in comparison to some but it's really not.
The bracelets you spoke about sound lovely something you can really treasure. Sadly my necklace purchase was after mum died for mother's Day she would have loved it and would have wore it will pride every day. I feel upset that she never got to see it but this is a connection that I have to her and you to your mum with the bracelets.
There really is no replacing your mum when mum died just like everyone else here she left a huge hole a hole that no one can fill. Sometimes I find that am scrambling around trying to find someone who can help fill the loneliness but there's no one who could match my mum , no one what care enough about me to check on me daily. No one that is interested enough for me to share my daily life with. Mum had so much time for me I feel guilty that sometimes I never had time for her if I was busy with the kids or working.
These last few weeks have been particularly tough for me and both my kids have birthdays in September. I was a complete mess on my daughter's birthday the other week and now it's my son's tomorrow I just hope that I can hold it together a bit better tomorrow. My husband said to me recently that he never knew how dependant I was on my mum and that he always thought that it was the other way around. It's true mum depended on me a lot sometimes I felt overwhelmed by that dependence which I feel guilty about now. I actually never really understood fully just how much I needed my mum as much as she needed me I only realised this with great clarify once I lost her.

My dad died suddenly last night, he sat down at the table and mum asked if he was okay, he made. a mummuring sound, started shaking and fell off the chair, and never moved again. Paramedics worked on him for 20 mins but couldn’t get him back. He had been to the doctors that morning. But she didn’t find anything untoward, she was very shocked to hear he had passed. He was 73. I’m at mum’s with my sister, I drove up straightaway last night, it was after midnight. we’re waiting to hear if there has to be a post-mortem. My mum is in denial, hasn’t cried and has spent the morning ringing family and friends. Me and my sister are crying a lot, but have been practical getting paperwork out. Just can’t believe he’s gone, he was my dad..

I’m so sorry, @Testarossa44

@Testarossa44

My goodness how awful my thoughts are with you all what a terrible unexpected thing to happen. You will all be in great shock at the moment. I hope that you get some answers not that it will change what has happened but to even try to begin to understand what has happened particularly if your dad was seen by a GP on the same day.

@Testarossa44 I'm so sorry...what an awful shock.

I know it's almost impossible but do try and make sure you take some time and look after yourself as best you can.

Thank you for your kind words, my mum just isn't accepting it at all, almost carrying on as normal, I'm in bits. He used to play golf and I keep expecting him to come trundling up the path with his trolley and clubs like he used to in the afternoon. Won't know until tomorrow if there is to be a post mortem, so were in some horrible kind of limbo waiting, can't move forward with anything until we have a death certificate. Its horrible.

Oh gosh @Testarossa44 what an absolute shock.

I do hope in time (and it may take a lot of time) you can find some comfort in the fact he was at home, with his lovely wife.

My mum died very suddenly at home, and my dad and sister had to perform CPR on her until the paramedics arrived [they never got her back]

It changes every fibre of your being but you will find moments of comfort in that there was no suffering for him

I think sadly unexplained / sudden deaths do require a port mortem xxx

@Testarossa44 my goodness what a terrible shock and just horrendous for you all to get your heads round.
My mum was very much like you described your mum when my dad died, she went and bought a new hoover the next day, she used to say she had no idea why.

@Ttc42nearly43
My dad already passed away he was 55 when he died i was only 27.
Now my mum 65 and i am 37, i agree no age to loose your parents, i mean they are your main fixture in your life no matter what happens they are always there.
Just no words for it there really isn't

Just heard there will be no post mortem, I'm relieved as I couldn't bear the thought of him being cut open. Apparently the doctor was concerned he had covid symptoms, temp, shortness of breath and tired. So the medical examiner has put covid related with hypertension, as apparently his BP was sky high. She told him to get a pcr test today. She didn't think he was bad enough to require the hospital. Now I'm wondering if he'd gone to the hospital would he still be here?? A question that can't be answered, though the gp was very shocked that he'd passed. We can get the death certificate tomorrow and at least start to move forward. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus, of all the things to take my beloved dad, Bastard covid.

My wee boys 6th birthday today and all I can think about is the time I spent with mum in the hospital play over and over in my head things I wish I'd done or said I never knew it was possible to miss someone this much

Hello all.

My mum died on Saturday aged 55. I'm 35 and she was pretty much my best friend. We spoke most days and could natter for hours at a time. We've known it was coming for a while as she was very poorly for the last 10 years or so. She's been through so much and always fought hard for her family. I was pleased that I was brave enough to face seeing her and I sat with her for 17 hours straight and held her hand as she died. I lost my dad when I was 21 and found that very traumatic as it was quite unexpected. I'm trying to be strong for my DC and my step dad. She was an incredible person and I'm trying to imagine what she'd be telling me to do to work through all of this. I promised her she could let go and that we'd all be ok and look after each other. I want to make her proud.

for all on this thread x

I’m so sorry, @NoMoreJobs. Wonderful that you could be there with her all the way.