For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

Rang my nan tonight she lives v close to my dad (his mum) she said that he had gone away somewhere he went every year hobby related with my mum , he's gone with his new woman. I feel my heart just shatter the more I find out it truly feels like she's been totally replaced. I'm visiting my nan tomorrow and I'm going to post my dads house key through his letter box its the final thing I need to do

Hi everyone I wondered if what am feeling is normal. I feel a bit embarrassed and rejected. My mum's sister my aunt I have been trying to meet her for a coffee she's like my mum of course they are sisters. She said she'd meet me on Wednesday this week but messaged me to cancel no explanation just she couldn't make it. I was discussing with my sister yesterday who our godmothers were I always thought that it was my aunt but my sister says that it's not it's our cousin who I thought was my sister's god mother. All very confused and my mum would clear this up in a second if she were here. I decided to message my aunt last night to see if she could recall and I see on WhatsApp that's she read my message but I've had no response from her. I feel terrible I don't know why I feel that I need her in my life. Probably because she's the closest person to my mum someone that is vaguely similar. I'd like to have a relationship with her but I now just feel stupid and desperate. I feel jealous of her daughter my cousin she has her mum still and I don't have mine. I know it's so child like and am 43. I feel like am pathetic and that she doesn't want me. It's clear that she doesn't so I won't make any further contact with her. It's just made me feel really bad and upset. No one can replace my mum does anyone think this is what am trying to do i feel really mixed up about it all. Am crying because I don't know why this rejection is making me feel so utterly alone.

missing my Dad who died 10 years ago

I think I may have posted on the previous thread after I lost my dad a few months ago...

@Crunchymum I hope you're taking care of yourself this week and your partner has been a bit more sympathetic.

@MujeresLibres @Loveprosecca I'm also an only child. I still have my mum, speak to her every day and see her several times a week, but find her challenging to say the least. I love her but we are like chalk and cheese.

@Cloe78 your post struck a massive chord with me...I feel much the same atm.

My dad had a catastrophic fall in Jan 2019 and broke his back in 4 places. Although he was eventually able to walk again he never fully recovered, especially mentally. He was placed on the 'end of life' pathway April 2020 and passed away on 23rd May this year.

I worked from home during the first lockdown, and after returning to work for a couple of months ended up taking a sabbatical to help care for him. He went into a nursing home for 7 weeks before he died as we were unable to get any support from the local hospice. His needs weren't routine and with a teenager doing exams I couldn't be there 24/7. My mum is not a natural nurse by any stretch of the imagination.

He died in the early hours of the morning with a nurse by his side...neither my mum or I heard the phone ring when they called to say he was slipping away, although when we spoke to the nurse who was with him it sound like we wouldn't have made it in time anyway...that's what I keep telling myself. The last time I saw him he was away with the fairies and not really communicative but he was squeezing my hand in response to me squeezing his.

I went back to work 3 weeks ago but had a complete breakdown on the way in on Friday (huge panic attack...had to pull over and genuinely thought I was dying). Have now been signed off and advised to seek bereavement counselling.

It won't change what happened or bring him back though will it? I loved him so very much.

Has anyone here lost their parent whilst in their 20s? If so, how did you cope?

I do hope I will meet my dad in death. I cant stand the idea of never seeing him again. It will break me

@Shyie lost my mum last year at 27 and NC with my dad so effectively feel as though I have no parents I cope for my children if I didn't have them I wouldn't like to think where I would be x

My beautiful mum died thursday 6.40pm at the age of 65 (just turned)
Me, my sister and my brother were all with her at home holding her hand.

She was diagnosed just under a year ago with stage 4 cancer, which later spread to her brain.

My mum, my world, we did everything together EVERYTHING everyday we started walking the dog then went out for the day, my days before she was even ill we were always together, she came on holidays with us, dinners with us, movie nights with us. I don't know what a day is like without her, even when we were at home we were on the phone. My children were so close to her they would stay every friday and they had little parties.
I moved in with my mum when she got ill to care for her, there wasnt a day i wasn't by her side, i promised i wouldn't let her suffer and i kept that promise, as soon as she started getting uncomfortable i did everything i could even screamed at the poor nurses to hurry up, i don't regret a thing, she died quickly but pain free.

Im numb im lost, why did it happen to my mum? Why her? She was healthy, kind, strong and brave just why.

Right now i don't want to be here i want to be with her, how can i even think of a life without her? I've never in my 37 years done it i dont know how

dont know how but i put the wrong time, not that it matters but i needed to correct it,
4.50pm

So sorry. She sounds like a great mum. My mum has been dead five weeks now and it surprises me how you do keep putting one foot in front of the other. Initially you're in some shock I think so adrenaline pushes you through,but it is very tiring to grieve such a big loss so do take time and go slowly. It is just the worst thing ever isn't it. Sending you love.

Hi @Muddlebubble I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I'm 37 too and have young children. My mum had a heart aneurysm so went from perfectly healthy to not here with me in about 3 seconds. To say it's been awful is an understatement but certain things have been helpful so far (it's been 3 months) grief counselling and trying to simply put one foot in front of another. I'm not sure how I've got through this time. I send you all possible strength to get through it.

@Ttc42nearly43 I'm sorry to hear about your relative not being there when you need her. My mum was an only child so there really isn't anyone i would associate with her really. Has she got back to you now? I've found certain people really don't know what to say to me but others have really surprised me. Sending you a big hug x

@muddlebubble so sorry for your loss, she sounds like a wonderful mum. How lucky you both were to have such a close relationship. You must be absolutely bereft.

@loveprosecca how are you today?

@mintycedric sounds like you've had an awful time. My mother was with my father when he passed, but I arrived too late. I was determined to be there for my mother but of course she was alone, which has broken my heart. The only comfort is that it looks like it was very quick.

If this hadn't been a fatal incident, I think she would have had to make some decisions about her future because she was getting to the point that she wasn't coping on her own. Probably the most palatable option would have been to move in with us, but she was so independent, I don't think she'd have been thrilled by that.

I'm trying to look at it in that she got to live as she wanted until the end, even though it's so painful to have her gone.

@Muddlebubble

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm a year down the line from losing my mum (she was 65 and it was a very suddenly death) but your post brings all that raw pain to the surface. The early days are brutal.

You really have to do whatever it takes just to get through it.

Sounds like you had an amazing relationship with with mum and I think that helps. As hard as it is to lose such a monumental part of your world, at least you know you had a strong, healthy and beautiful relationship. You know she had that love in her life until the last moment.

Sometimes I miss my mum so much I can't breath, but I'm a little further down the line and thankfully I also now have times I can think of her and smile / laugh. My whole life (barring the last year) is a memory of her.

Keep well

Thank you all so very much, im so sorry you have all been through this.

She just glowed utter beauty, even when she died she just looked so perfect.

I don't no what to do with myself, everyday was a privilege to look after her in every way, i feel so truely blessed i got to do that.
But now what do i do? I walked over to hers to just clean in there and just got back, it feels awful not being there

In the few days after I drank wine and watched box sets in the evenings because I didn't know what else to do. I had a lot of nervous energy.

@Muddlebubble

I know the distress that you are feeling I lost my mum just over 6 months ago totally unexpected and she was just 66. Literally the only thing that kept me going was my children as they are part of me which means that they are also part of my mum. I also would never want to inflict such pain on them by not having a mum. I know it will happen eventually but hopefully not for a long time. What I would advise you to do is take each day at a time, each day you get through is another step forward, focus on your kids, talk about your mum a lot, cry a lot and reach out to professionals for help. Talk to your GP and the people at Cruse Bereavement they have a helpline this was my lifeline in the first few months following my mum dying. Even the Samaritans are a great sounding board people that you can talk about your mum to and cry for as long as you need to.
I still cry frequently about my mum she has left a huge gap in my life I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her. It is completely unfair isn't it. All the emotions flying around inside my head. Feeling cheated, shock, disbelief, jealousy of others who still have their mum. Neediness this is something that continues for me I need people. I need to talk about my mum and how much I love her and miss her. I need someone to care about me and love me like she did. It hard to accept that love is now gone and there with be no one else who will ever love me like that ever again.

Sending you lots of strength it is very early days for you. This is by far the most painful time for you and the rest of your family but keep going for them and for your mum too.

@kittlesticks
Thank you for your response my aunt did get back to me today she said that she was always under the impression that she was my godmother. I asked my dad he can't remember only my mum would know. Don't ask me why I feel this is important it shouldn't be as am an adult. I don't know what I expect from my aunt maybe to just to spend sometime with me but am kept at arms length. She's the only person that can bring me a bit of comfort but I have seen her maybe 4 times since mum died in 6 months. She's just up the road from me I could walk to her house in 15 minutes but she's not my mum so there's no point in getting to involved not that she's giving me the opportunity to connect with her in any great way.
Am sorry you don't have any aunts of uncles on your mum's side this must be very difficult for you. It is also difficult to have people who are so closely connected but who don't bother about you. Sorry I know I sound ungrateful honestly am not I just want to spend time with my aunt but I need to accept that she has her own children to connect with who are understandably far more precious to her than me. I actually hate feeling so needy. I feel like am a burden to her. I sometimes feel that am not worthy of other people.

to all on here, my mum died on the 15th

@loveprosecca I've coped a bit better today but ruminating again now.

@tiredvommachine back to you too