For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Testarossa44

Thank you for your kind words. It's all so so hard, just want my dad back the pain is unbearable

Yes it is so unbearable. I cannot believe my beautiful mother has gone 😪

@Millshake01 it's almost impossible to think of forever without them isn't it x yes definitely get a doctors note

@Millshake01

I'm in a similar position. My marriage is broken and just before mum passed away my husband was in the process of leaving. (Again) my choice. When we found out about mums illness he asked if he should stay for now. I told him that he had to as I wouldn't be able to cope well with the kids as I thought I would be looking after mum. I had that, went to say mum & dads. Quickly changed it to just Dads 😪 We are in the process of arranging mums funeral. My god it's to hard to do. My dad has gone to pieces so it's all up to us to organise. Which of course I don't mind but it's heart wrenching. I have 2 weeks compassionate leave. I'm due back next Monday. I really cannot face going back to work. It's a very stressful job and extremely busy. Do you think I can get a doctors note for more time off?

You could definitely get more time off with a doctors note. Two weeks is really little time when you’ve lost someone so close. I’m six months on and still really struggling. I also arranged my darling dads funeral and I found writing absolutely everything down really helpful. It’s easy to forget things when you’re drowning in grief. I hope you have supportive friends and family.

@Millshake01 definitely ask for more time. My dad's funeral was next 4 weeks after he passed away and I was stunned to discover we really needed all that time to organise everything.

I thought it was a case of see undertaker, book date, book wake and that was it. I am a bit of a control freak though and insisted on doing the orders of service and slideshow myself, as well as speaking on the day. I still have no idea how I managed it.

@Ttc42nearly43 your post has struck so many chords with me. Today has been rough...I had a text conversation with a bereavement counsellor from Cruse. PMT isn't helping and I've spent half the day in tears.

You are so right about how this kind of loss actually changes who you are...I wasn't expecting that. I feel like a huge of chunk of me has been gouged out and I don't know how to get it back.

I emailed in my resignation today. I've been in my job for 5 years, taken on for practical reasons when my marriage broke down and I needed to get a mortgage. During that time I've been through 2 house moves, a not particularly amicable divorce, my dad breaking his back and then his subsequent illness and death.

I just need a completely fresh start.

Thank you for your advice. Yes I think I will get a doctors note. I won't be very popular at work but I really do not care tbh. I would love to also hand in my resignation but I can't unfortunately. It's a secure job & I get most of the school holidays off. We are very short staffed so it's going to be tough on my colleagues but I really shouldn't be worrying about that.
The thought of never hearing her voice again and not seeing her ever again is absolutely ripping my heart out. 💔
And yes the funeral arrangements, we have a lot to sort out. It's all just so very sad 😔

@Millshake01 you are right, you shouldn’t be worrying about work, it’s not your problem at the moment.
For the first time in my 40 years I began to live day by day when I lost my dad. Focus on what you have to get through each day, don’t put pressure on yourself. Grief is all consuming and exhausting. Sending you and all that are grieving strength.

The doctor who saw dad has just called to see us. She’d seen dad the morning before he died, she talked us through her examination of dad, and that she’d talked it through with a colleague, the medical examiner and the coroner and explained what they thought had happened. She was really lovely, but it was super super hard talking about dad with her. She said that we should let our emotions come, it’s okay to cry. She told us it can take up to 6mths for the initial grief to settle and and up to 2 years for life to return to something resembling normal. Can’t imagine feeling like this for that long.

She did have some practical advice about getting help for mum, she said to contact age uk and they’ll do an assessment of what help they can offer.

The loss of my mum has left a chasm in my world and it's made me ask lots of questions about my life and my relationship.

Currently my DP and I are living apart (he is working away during the week and coming "home" to see the kids but sleeping elsewhere). We've been together 15 years and have 3 children. We've dealt with all sorts, including a shock diagnosis for our 3yo rare genetic condition and lots of surrounding issues but mum's death has blown us apart.

He is giving me the space I need and we are still on friendly and amicable terms. He will be working away for the foreseeable so I have some time to figure things out.

@Testarossa44 must of been a really difficult conversation x I am 16 months down the line and don't know if I should say this or not but it really isn't any better. It hurts badly

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

It was a really hard chat. Feeling wiped out and tired today. The waves feel enormous and just relentless right now.

I posted on the previous thread. I am sorry to hear so much heartache.

My DM died on 16 July. I’m no better now than I was after the first few, shocked, days. Forever seems such a long time.

I am very involved with supporting my DF and my own children who were all devoted to DM. But although I’m fairly together on the outside, I’m absolutely crumbling within.

I keep having dreams where I get to have some, limited, contact with my mum. I know she has died, but if I’m quick I can see her for 10 minutes in the garden centre cafe. And I’m racing there hoping not to miss it. Or if I run really fast I can catch up with her at the corner of the road. It’s so stressful. But also happy when I get to see her. And then I wake and I know even that, limited, contact is not possible.

That's heart breaking @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

@mrssunshinexxx I love the way you describe grief. I'm at the very beginning. I just don't know how I can go on for without her 😪
My marriage is a wreck. When mum was here I had the security of knowing I would get her support with my separation. She's no longer here. I just want to run away. I'm just utterly heartbroken 💔

everything you say resonates with me. I feel broken, it’s coming up to 9 months since mum was taken from me and if anything it all feels much worse. Most days are punctuated several times by an acute feeling of loss and tears then a sucker punch to the chest every time. I didn’t realise how physical the pain would be and I’m getting palpitations on top. I feel I’ve aged 20 years. Sleeping is terrible what is it about 3am? Work is hideously hard as it’s in healthcare but also it’s the only time I get a reprieve from thinking about her. Having said that I had to leave work a bit early as felt like I was going to faint (had this a few times). I can’t believe I’ll never see her in her little house again, I used to pop there twice a week and it was a refuge from the stresses of life, she would make me a cuppa and food and we’d watch escape to the country and lust after Jules. It was really hard having to empty it straight after she died and give it back to the council. It’s also so lonely and desperately sad visiting the places we used to go to together. My loss has coincided with DD being 16 and becoming much more independent from us and me tipping into the poxy menopause and minor health issues. I finally had more time for mum and we were always out and now she’s gone.

@Onandoff

Since my mum passed away in March very unexpectedly I have also been very taken back by the physical pain of my grief. The longing, the loneliness, the emptyness and the heartache is but to name a few of the many many emotions that I feel. I guess you never know what to expect with loosing your mum certainly I never thought for one moment that I was on borrowed time with my mum. With her just being 66 I stupidly thought that we had another 15 maybe even 20 years together. Even now I still can't believe that she's gone. I think it is a truly unique emotion loosing a parent. Someone once described it as feeling orphaned even as an adult and that's right that how you feel entirely with all of you heart and sole that you have been left behind. We all understand that this was not their fault. My mum was scared and she understandably didn't want to die she said that to me in the hospital but I still feel abandoned not through choice but some sort of grave injustice that would take my mum away so soon. None of it makes any sense.

My loss has coincided with DD being 16 and becoming much more independent from us and me tipping into the poxy menopause and minor health issues.

I'm in the same boat...perimenopausal, divorced/single, DD just turned 17 so is off living her best life which is wonderful to see but if I'm honest I'm also a bit envious...all that time and all those options. I think losing Dad has made me more aware of my own mortality.

I dreamt last night that both my parents had been sent to do a job in space, but gone missing while they were up there.

I managed to go up and look for them, and someone told me 'you know if you go back you won't be able to come up here again?'.

So I kept looking and found dad on a stretcher being carted off somewhere and mum in what was basically Dad's old room in his hospital bed.

I'm terrified she'll go through a slow deterioration like he did and I think the anxiety about that is one of the things holding me back from grieving.

@Ttc42nearly43 I feel the same 😭 mine was just 63 and so very young at heart and in body and mind I can't believe someone so full of life, funny, witty , loving and loyal can just vanish. I thought I also had another 20+ years she always said she would live til 100 ! I'm just crying again typing this wow grief is exhausting I cannot talk about her at all to anyone without crying so I just say I'm fine in real life as I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable

I feel the exact same. I'm only 30, I thought I had so much longer with her. I just wish I could just reach her back to me and keep her safe. I had to complete a survey about her end of life care and it was so hard to write that she died cold and thirsty and frightened. I can't bear to think of it. She really was my friend. I could always rely on her in everything.

I lost the plot a bit with my mum today, on top of trying to manage my own grief and support my sister, we’re going to have to get some help in for mum, not a carer, just someone to pop in and make sure she’s okay, do any jobs she needs etc. My dad did literally everything, and I mean everything, I’m exhausting myself trying to do it all while I’m staying here. But she’s so resistant to the idea, we’ve been trying to get her to understand that it’s for our piece of mind, company for her and means she can stay in our family home. She just want won’t listen, and I lost it this morning and shouted at her. I’m just terrified she’s going to fall or hurt herself and there will be no-one here. I felt absolutely terrible for screaming at her and threw myself down on the bed and sobbed. Why does it all have to be so hard and upsetting? Somebody please tell me it gets easier to manage the grief.

@Kitkatchunkyplease my youngest sibling was 30 when mum died and she never got to meet his child. I feel guilty that I has 10 years more with her and she met all my kids. It's hard. I am thankful but yes do feel bad I had so much more time.

@Testarossa44 I know its still very early days and hopefully your mum will become more open to having help. For the time being don't stretch yourself too thin

My mum was only 65. I had no idea she wouldn't see her 66th birthday. Her mum also died young (64) so I'm kind of scared I'll die prematurely. I have a disabled child who will never live independently, I really need to be around for as long as possible.

@Testarossa44 honestly the 14 months we were caring for my dad my Mum and I had so many blazing rows...the highlight was the one an hour after we got home from his funeral.

Don't beat yourself up...it's horrific for everyone and sometimes a pressure valve has to open.

Your mum is not just grieving, she's scared and is bound to be resistant of anything that makes it obvious her life has changed irrevocably. It has for you and your sister too of course but ime people are often blinded to others experience/feelings.

My mum has an ongoing crush on the companion carer that comes once a week...he initially started coming for dad and it's been going on since before he died, which Dad was aware of.

My mum absolutely cannot understand why I have an issue with her waxing lyrical about the bloke.

@Kitkatchunkyplease that made me cry, it's unthinkable isn't it. You were her friend too we have to think how lucky we were to have these bonds some people have shit mother's. We on this thread had very very special ones. My mum was without a doubt my best friend if I had free time I always wanted to hang out with her go for a mooch round the shops or for a long walk and lunch in a lovely cafe

That's a really scary thought @Crunchymum was your mum and her mums death similar ?
It's no age is it for our poor mums. Getting to the best years of there lives retirement no money problems tonnes of grandkids all just ripped away. don't feel guilty it's obviously you adored her. I feel bitter my sister got 6 and 10cmore years and met all their children but that because they didn't treat her great or have anywhere near as good of a relationship as me and mum so I'm pissed off it should of been me that got that time

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@Kitkatchunkyplease that made me cry, it's unthinkable isn't it. You were her friend too we have to think how lucky we were to have these bonds some people have shit mother's. We on this thread had very very special ones. My mum was without a doubt my best friend if I had free time I always wanted to hang out with her go for a mooch round the shops or for a long walk and lunch in a lovely cafe [/quote]
So true, I think that every day, how lucky I was to have a mum who loved me so much. We were the same, I would always call her and say let's go for a coffee! And she would always make it happen. During my maternity leave I just saw her all the time. It actually is such a physical pain that she is gone.

I think from the outside I look as though I am coping really well. I am at work and I'm doing a pretty good job. I spend time with people. I am busy. But I am just filled with such a fury and a sense of misery. I cannot imagine ever being the same again.