For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Crunchymum

Hi there, of course no-one minds.
Good thinking! How are you doing this week? xx

I'm alright @LucyintheSky21. How are you doing? X

I can feel the tension building as we head towards Mother's Day. Even though I'm not thinking about it on a conscious level days like this (Mother's Day, Birthday's, Christmas) are always so hard. I find the whole lead up effects me very negatively.
.
I was hoping this year would be a bit easier (last year was my first one without her) but I feel the sadness in my stomach and my mood is quite low. It will pass but it's not the best time for me.

My 2nd time as well this year, without Mum. I'm trying to ignore all the cards, flowers etc at the moment, but wondering if that is the best thing to do. Maybe there is a way I could do something nice instead, like plant a rose in my garden.

@Crunchymum

Funnily enough (well, I don’t mean funny as in ha ha), I’ve been thinking about you all on here with Mother’s Day coming up and how hard that’s going to be this year. For me, and I don’t mean this to upset anyone as I do still have my mum, but I’ve been trying to think of how I can try and make it a nice day for my mum this year. Believe me when I say that it will be a really sad and painful day for me too. I do still have mum but I don’t have Dad and my mum is falling to pieces without him. We always go out for a nice meal somewhere for Mother’s Day but it has always been with Dad and it’ll be so awful without him this year. I book it every year somewhere and it’s always for me and my husband and kids and my mum and Dad. I have actually booked a table somewhere we haven’t been before but I was so desperately sad booking it just for 5 of us, and not six. It will be a difficult day for so many of us. And in June, when it’s Father’s Day it will be even tougher for me and for those of us who have lost our Dad’s. I remember someone on here not so long ago said to maybe try and go to places you’ve not been before with your mum or dad to try and make the experience of going somewhere less painful. That’s why I have booked somewhere else for the meal this year.
I can understand you’re feeling low mood about Mother’s Day. I feel pretty low mood most days I have to say. I went to visit my dad at the cemetery on Monday and just sat and spoke to him for a while. You just can’t believe it when you sit there. You sort of sit there in disbelief xx

It is hard with the restaurant thing. We used to go to favourite Thai restaurant, and the staff didn't realise Dad had passed, and then asked after him, which was awkward. Funnily enough my DH and I went there for Valentines and talked about all the times we'd been there with my parents, which was actually really nice. So maybe you'll be able to back to some of the places you went with him eventually, but it does take time. Just do what feels right for you, and try to hold on to all of the good memories.

@Purpleavocado

So sorry for you, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not easy days. I’ll be ignoring the cards etc when it comes to Father’s Day this year as it’ll be my first, but I think what you said about planting a special plant on or for Mother’s Day is a lovely idea. I know I’ll be at the cemetery on Father’s Day this year. Because it was only September we don’t have a stone yet for my Dad but we have started making plans and it’ll probably be August when it goes down.
X

@Ttc42nearly43

How are you doing today? @Crunchymum has kindly started a new thread for us all to continue on here so I hope you’ll soon be on. I hope you’re ok and your Dad, and also your mum’s partner xx

Thanks for the new thread, @Crunchymum.

March is really hard for me too. It's the month of my baby losses and, two years ago, my mum. I find the build up really difficult. I'm the eldest sibling, so usually everyone else's support. These threads have been so helpful

@ImperfectAlf

I just wanted to send you a hand-hold. Sorry that March is a triggering month for you. I can’t even imagine being two years down the line, at the moment getting through each week I hard enough. Well done for hanging in there xx

Thanks @LucyintheSky21. I don't often post on here but I look in regularly. It's very helpful, even this far on. It does get.... well not better, but easier to manage, I suppose.

@ImperfectAlf sorry for your losses, March is a triggering month for me too, Dad would have turned 75 a few days ago and we’re coming up to a year without him. I’m dreading Mother’s Day because dad always used to make such a fuss over me and my mum. I can’t imagine how awful it will be for those of you who have lost yours, sending strength and hugs.

@LucyintheSky21 I do the same, sit by dads grave talking and then just staring at it like it’s alien, I still can’t get my head around the fact that this is him now, this is where I visit my dad. Life feels so cruel. How are your boys this week? My son announced that it’s grandads birthday and he really misses him, my heart was in bits. He should have had so much longer with him.

Thanks @ImperfectAlf - it certainly doesn’t feel like it’s getting any easier at the moment, but I was only the end of September for me so I know it’s still early days. But it does worry me, both me and my mum keep saying it gets harder each week. I feel like we’re biding time until my Dad comes back. xx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - Hi there, my Dax would also have been 75 on his birthday just gone a few weeks ago in Feb. I feel the same as you about Mother’s Day. We’d all be going out for a meal, my mum and Dad and my two boys and me and my husband. This year, no Dad. Doesn’t feel right or fair. I feel very bitter about life, I have to say. I just keep thinking all the time, why my Dad.
In fact, you and me sound so the same. That was me on Monday at the graveside just sat looking down at where I know my Dad is and talking to him and then looking up to the sky talking to him and that’s just exactly how I feel, that I can’t believe this is where I have to come to sit and talk to my Dad and have a chat and tell him what’s been going on. It feels like it’s a dream or a nightmare that I’m playing a part in. It feels all the time like some day soon someone is going to say, well done but you’re time is done now and we’ll bring your Dad back, and we can sigh a big sigh of relief.
How often to do you go to the grave? I think I’ve been 5 times since end of September when it happened. I think I’d like to go once a week though now. Thank you for asking about my boys. My older one is sad all the time and so different in his behaviour, he’s been a bit sad this week about not wanting to go to school and gets upset when they learn a kit things he’d like to ring and tell my Dad about. My younger one mentions Dad every day. How old is your son? It does break your heart doesn’t it when they mention him. They should have had so much longer with our Dad’s, it hurts me every day xx

Just place marking my spot on this new thread, thank you @Crunchymum

@MissC07 - Hi there, and welcome x

@LucyintheSky21 it’s so horrible isn’t it? So so sad. I wish we could wake up from it. My son is 8, similar to yours if I remember correctly? Ah bless your little (older) one, it’s so hard to hear isn’t it. Have the school been supportive? They really should have had more time with them, such a big loss.

When dad first died I took three months off work and used to go to his grave daily, it’s as if I was trying to make myself believe it. That obviously didn’t work but I did feel close to him. Weirdly it’s become my calm place now although I go about twice a week now because of work. I talk to him a lot and I have a constant feeling of “I hope you’re happy with how I’m doing everything”. Mum still isn’t functioning and times like this I really resent my sister for not carrying some of the load. Trying to run two homes and work and function is quite overwhelming.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - Yes my oldest is just 10 and my youngest is similar to yours, he will be 8 in June. When you say about your calm place, I feel that when I go to visit my Nan at the cemetery. My Nan who I was very close to, she died nearly 5 years ago. It’ll be 5 years in May and I have always regularly gone to see my Nan at the place she’s buried and sit and talk (and sometimes cry) to her, but annoyingly she’s not in the same cemetery as my Dad. When I go see my Nan and sit and talk to her, I feel comforted when I go, so I know what you mean about it being a calm place.
When I go to my Dad, I don’t feel comforted yet. It’s too soon and too raw still. I hope that comes. I saw my Dad on Monday and the time before I went on the 4th Feb which was Dad’s birthday. I don’t blame you for going to visit where your Dad is every day like you did in the beginning. I wish I could go every day. I can go once a week though which I know I want to. I went on Monday no I’ll go again late morning this Monday. I’m exactly like you, in fact I think sometimes when I read your posts about your Dad, that it could have been me who wrote it. I know our Dad’s were the same age and our situations similar. My Mum like yours is finding life so hard. If we lived nearer to each other we could have met up and had a coffee and introduced our mum’s. I don’t know whereabouts you are. I’m in West Yorkshire. You’ll probably be miles away but on the off chance if you’re not, it would be lovely. It’s hard sometimes when there’s not many people who you know in real life who have been through the same thing.
Like you, I am juggling my mum’s house and meals fr my family and meals for mum. I’m helping mum with probate and last weekend I just cracked on the Sunday evening I was so beside myself and just sat crying on my bed. My husband said it’s such a shame that my sister isn’t helping or supporting my mum and sharing that role. I know my Dad would be pleased with how I have stepped up and supported my mum and I don’t begrudge it for a second. I’d have done the same for Dad but I won’t ever forgive my sister for her lack of support to me and my mum. She hasn’t spoken to me for 5 months. xx

My Mam died when I was 13 and my Dad died when I was 20. Now I can't remember what they looked ike, unless I look at photographs. My Mother always looked so ill, and my Father was very disabled. You have to get on with it, in a way. I will never, ever forget them both.

@Mrsorganmorgan

How truly sad and heartbreaking for you to have lost both your mum and dad when you were so young both times. I can’t imagine how you’ve coped with that and managed to roll on through life. You must be incredibly strong and brave. I’ve just lost my Dad 5 months ago and each day I ask myself how on earth we are all meant to carry on without him. Life is cruel x

I am not very strong and brave. I had a lovely grandmother, who brought me up. I will always be very grateful to her. Life is very cruel, but I just got on with it. So sorry that you lost your Dad. Try to carry on - one day at a time! Or as they say in Welsh - un ar y tro. I'm sure your Dad would not want you to feel as you do, so do it for him!

@Mrsorganmorgan - Thank you. I know my Dad wouldn’t want me to be so sad and distraught, but he’d also still want to be here. He went before his time, so I’d have had so much time left. I’m sure from your post that you’ll feel the same about your mum and your dad. As you say, one day at a time, but it’s so incredibly hard to come to terms with x

Yes it is very hard to come to terms with. I never thought I would get over losing my Mam. I loved her so much. I adored her. But it has to be done! You will get over losing your Dad. One day you will realise that you have to. I have! I am so sorry that you lost your Dad. I mean that.

@Mrsorganmorgan - Thank you x

You are very welcome!

Hello all.... not really sure why I'm posting.

My mum passed away 3 weeks ago. We were very close. It wasn't unexpected, she was in and out of hospital suffering with COPD amongst other things.

I feel like I haven't mourned her, I feel like she was suffering for so long that it's almost a relief that she's no longer having to endure it.

Just wanted to share that I guess.

I lost my dad on December 23 2021. Mum died on 28 February this year. Just about nine weeks apart. I'm an only child, too.