For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@chocorangeaddict77

So sorry to read your post. I lost my dear Dad also totally unexpectedly at the end of September and I feel just like you, sad and angry and like people just expect me to be moving on with life. But it’s all I can think of. I too don’t sleep well anymore and my Dad is the first thing I think of when I wake up and in everything I do all day.
I just wanted to say that I don’t think it makes any difference whether it’s 6 months ago or 18 months or even 3 years. You don’t get over losing your Mum or Dad, especially if you were very close which it sounds like you were. And when you say about it not getting any easier, I’m no expert but I don’t think it probably does get any easier. We just have to learn to cope. I know I ache to see my Dad and talk to him more now than two days after it happened. I think the more time that goes by, the more we long to see the person and have them back. I hope that doesn’t sound morbid and depressing. The hardest part for me is that I don’t feel like anyone in real life really understands.
It’s my Dad’s birthday tomorrow. He’d have been turning 75 tomorrow. Last year we had a meal and made Dad a cake and my two boys chose him presents and made cards. This year I’m going to the cemetery. All I seem to say every day is the same thing, ‘I can’t believe it’. I think when it’s a shock which it sounds like it was for you and it was for me, it’s so so hard to find any peace with it or acceptance.
And don’t apologise for moaning, you’re certainly not moaning. I’m sorry you’re going through it. I know I’d do anything not to be. Keep posting on here, hopefully it will help. If you want to pm me, or if anyone does then I don’t mind at all, it’s the hardest thing in the world to have to experience and I think only people going through it can relate and truly understand.

@LucyintheSky21

Am not sure if they are all volunteers but it's definitely not clinical it's on zoom and there's no visible clip board. The takes notes in occasion but it's mostly just talking. I would imagine that a lot of people would go into grief counseling as a profession because of a person experience.

Any response from you sister yet ? x

@chocorangeaddict77

Today is 18 months since my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly at 69 and I don't feel it's getting any easier at all. I'm about to have to clear her home as I've just accepted an offer on it and I'm already feeling resentful of people that are only trying to help, but it's so hard when they're trying to be practical with furniture that can be given away, and lots of oh I'll take that and my friend can sell it for her charity. I just want to scream at them all to go away! I know it's just a dining table or just a set of crockery but to me it's my childhood and it's comfort. All down to me to do it as my brother lives abroad so can't help at all.

Everyone else has moved on but I just feel so sad and angry a lot of the time. I struggle to sleep as I get flashbacks of finding her and I struggle to concentrate on anything anymore. But it feels too late to ask for help and I know all my GP will do is stick me on antidepressants and tell me to go and find a therapist.

Sorry for the moan, just really struggling with it all at the moment.

Bless you @chocorangeaddict77

You must have lost your mum just before I lost mine (I'm nearly 17 months). My mum was only 65 and it was also a very sudden and unexpected death.

I'm "lucky" in that my dad still lives in the house so I've not had to deal with that finality yet. Clearing out the house will be hugely emotional, as you say it's literally packing up all your memories of your mum. Packing up memories isn't losing them entirely though. Memories are eternal and in your heart. I hope are able to keep some things most important to you?

It will be very triggering and I'm not surprised you feel so crap. I hope knowing it's 'normal' (I hate to use that word) to feel like you do, helps just a teeny bit.

I've not had any counselling personally but I am sure you can start bereavement counselling at any point? It might be worth exploring?

I find myself going through peaks and troughs with my grief now. It is easier is some ways. Less crushing and less constant. But when my mind goes there, the magnitude of not having my mum, can take my breath away.

You aren't alone. Do you have real life support?

@Ttc42nearly43

Still nothing from my sister. It’s my Dad’s birthday as well today and my sister hasn’t even contacted my mum. We are all so very sad and not sure what’s going on with her. I’ve felt so sad today that my Dad isn’t here to spend his birthday with us like always. x

How are you? And how is your Dad? x

@LucyintheSky21

Oh dear yes your dad's birthday will be a very sad occasion some people seem to still celebrate birthdays of parents who have passed of course that's personal choice and I know that we should still celebrate their birth but there seldom feels like a cause for celebration. My mum's birthday was in November she would have been 67. No one knew how to mark the occasion none of us felt right to go out for a meal or anything like that which we would normally do with mum. In the end I went to the church next to my mum's cemetery and lit a candle and spoke to her there then carried the light candle in a lantern up to her graveside with flowers. It was a very sad day indeed.

My thoughts are with you tonight. I hope you eventually get a response from your sister at the end of the day as sad as it is she will be the one who is missing out on spending time with you guys ❤️

@Ttc42nearly43

Thank you, it has been a very painful day. Like you, we used to always go out for a meal for my Dad’s Birthday. Either me or my mum would have made him a birthday cake. I know some people still go out and celebrate and I think that’s nice if you feel you can do it, but for us it’s just too soon. At the moment we’re still just existing and functioning and getting through each day one at a time. Maybe in time we could celebrate Dad’s birthday by going out for a meal or something but at the moment I’m like you were in November in that it just don’t feel right. We also didn’t know what to do or how to mark the occasion. We went to the cemetery this morning and we spoke to my my Dad and had a bit of a cry and we actually sang happy birthday, which might sound strange. I still just can’t believe it’s my Dad under the ground when I’m stood there. We need to see the undertaker about the stone as we were told it could be end of July/early August that the stone is laid.
I also lit a candle for my Dad when I got home and I’ve left it lit by Dad’s picture on the mantlepiece which is a lovely picture of him and my mum on my wedding day. They look so happy.
I was really hoping that my sister would get in touch today with one of us. I don’t think I can do anymore xx
How is your Dad doing this week?

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I felt for a while I was doing ok but lately I'm just reliving those last few hours, few days, the last week. I'm tired. I can't switch off at night. I sit at night just scrolling and scrolling. I don't even know what I want from this post other than to vent.

Big hugs @Crunchymum must be really hard like you just want to bury your head in the sand lock the house up and leave exactly how it is ! Please forgive me as hard to keep up on here, have you lost your dad too?? I know what you mean about the items holding so much sentimental value I only had one childhood home and now my dad has moved another woman in all my mums things have been binned, sold or charity shop it's broke my heart I know. I wouldn't even recognise that home anymore. so wish I had had the opportunity to go and take what I wanted x

Sorry everyone I've got mixed up @chocorangeaddict77 this message below was for you

Big hugs it must be really hard like you just want to bury your head in the sand lock the house up and leave exactly how it is ! Please forgive me as hard to keep up on here, have you lost your dad too?? I know what you mean about the items holding so much sentimental value I only had one childhood home and now my dad has moved another woman in all my mums things have been binned, sold or charity shop it's broke my heart I know. I wouldn't even recognise that home anymore. so wish I had had the opportunity to go and take what I wanted x

Yeah I’ve been similar @MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose. I keep waking and all I think about it my mum. And all the mistakes I made when making decisions about her care. We deliberated over every decision and talked and talked them over, always thinking we were doing the right thing. But so many things went wrong to her detriment during her final year - she had dementia and her last year was filled with lots of moves and hospital admissions. She was let down by so many people. I feel I let her down. My husband gets angry with me for saying that because he feels that my whole life during that last year was about my mum, and that I did everything for her.

Is it normal to feel the way I do? I go through periods where I am at peace with it as I know I did all I could. Then other times it haunts me.

@mrssunshinexxx that’s awful about all of your belongings 😞

I have quite a few things from my childhood but not hundreds. It’s enough though so my heart really does go out to you.

@mrssunshinexxx - How are you? xx

@Comeoverafterxmasdinner

I too have the what's ifs and regrets wishing I had called the care home the weekend before my mum was taken into hospital. My mum died of kidney failure and the Saturday and Sunday before she went into hospital she was complaining of having a sore back. My mum was quite large and in a wheelchair I ordered her a pillow for back support and told her to tell the nurse what was happening. My mum didn't have dementia but subsequent meetings with the care home staff following my mum's death she never said anything to them. I now wish that I had called myself. I spoke to one of the consultants at the hospital about the back pain they said it was likely unrelated but it does make you wonder if that was the start of mum getting really sick. I just assumed that because she lived in a nursing home the staff would be keeping an eye on her but they weren't their actions were too slow getting mum medical help and by the time she got to the hospital on the Tuesday her kidneys were already failing. I keep thinking that if I had phoned the home them maybe they would have taken more notice of my mum's symptoms.

You torture yourself don't you. I still do. On the Sunday night my mum called me 13 times on WhatsApp but I was asleep on the sofa. She phoned me during the night and I can't remember what age said to me. I think I told her that I was asleep and I was due to visit her on the Monday but what if she was calling me for help and u was half asleep not paying her any attention.

I feel your pain whatever we did or didn't do it will never be good enough because we couldn't save our mum's that's a really difficult thing to accept.

Hi everyone I just finished a yoga class started taking them a few months ago to try and relax my mind but boy tonight was hard my mum was on my mind the whole class I just couldn't switch off. I miss her so much sometimes I just can't believe that this is it my mum is gone as and I have to live the rest of my life with no mum it's just so heartbreaking I know everyone here will understand how am feeling tonight. I need my mum so much xx

@Ttc42nearly43

Hiya, I’ve just seen your post. That’s great about the yoga, something I hadn’t thought of. I could really do with something to help me relax. I just wanted to say that I do totally understand how you feel. I feel like most days I try and be as busy as I can, even if I’m stuck in the house all day I’ll do so many cleaning jobs that I exhaust myself and won’t give myself more than a few seconds at a time to think deeply about my Dad because I’d rather be busy and pretend to myself that he’s still here but just at his house with my mum. When I do start to think to myself that he’s really not here, I can’t bare to look too far down that train of thought, if that makes sense. I totally get what you mean, I just can’t believe this is it and that he won’t ever be here with us again. I miss my Dad so much too, like you miss your mum. What I’d do to bring him back xx

@Ttc42nearly43

Hi everyone I just finished a yoga class started taking them a few months ago to try and relax my mind but boy tonight was hard my mum was on my mind the whole class I just couldn't switch off. I miss her so much sometimes I just can't believe that this is it my mum is gone as and I have to live the rest of my life with no mum it's just so heartbreaking I know everyone here will understand how am feeling tonight. I need my mum so much xx

Oh bless you sweetie. It really is so bloody rough.

I'm sorry you're feeling it so much this evening. I find it often comes from "nowhere" for me. No obvious triggers or reminders. Just the sudden gut wrenching pain of my loss. I say this a lot on here but the finality and totality of it all blows my mind. How can this person who was my world, no longer 'be'? How have I coped and lived without her for all these months? How have seasons changed and birthdays and Christmasses passed? How have I existed in two years she never saw?

How do I make peace with all of this? I'm afraid I don't have the answers but I do know how you feel.

It gets easier but it gets harder too? Easier to cope on a superficial and day to day level, harder as everyday you are a day further away from them.

@Crunchymum

I know what you mean day to day you cope better through time but like you said the more time that passes the longer it has been since you were with your mum or dad. Sometimes I still call my mum's mobile because it has her voice on the answer machine message. Sometimes, like tonight I left her a message telling her how much I love her and want to speak with her. I don't know why I do it I just desperately want to talk to her. I miss her voice and our daily chats.

@LucyintheSky21

I know I get that, you would do absolutely anything to see them again. Similar to your dad my mum was young at 66. I never expected this to happen to her. We go in holiday on Monday with my dad, my kids and sister. Usually we have holidays a 2 or 3 times per year and mum would always be at the centre of every holiday. You asked about my dad a couple of days ago. He's better but still not quite right I worry about him and what he does to his body with drinking do much an scared that I will loose him too. I just couldn't cope with that none of us could. I don't think any of us will ever feel whole again. I planned the holiday because I want to spend time with my dad. I visit him often but life is just so busy I know the regular holidays means I get quality time with dad but there is someone missing and that's mum. We all feel it every single day no matter what you do or where you go the enormity of that person being missing just sort of sits with you all the time.

I take it nothing from your sis then? xx

I have woke up this morning having dreamt about my mum last night. I dreamt that we were on a night out I was with my mum and dad at a comedy show. We were in the audience laughing and I gave my mum a huge big hug and told her how much I love her. I should find comfort in dreams like that but they seem butter sweet because they can never be a reality.

I feel like my mum isn't talked about anymore no one mentions her in my family other than me and sometimes my daughter. My son doesn't want to talk about her he's only 6 and it upsets him about his granny dying. My dad and sister seldom mention mum and I don't want to talk to my dad about how much I miss her in case it upsets him. I don't want to not talk about mum but I don't know who to talk to it's like it's just too painful for people to talk about mum but the less people talk about mum the harder am finding it as she is getting further and further away from me every single day xx

Ttc42nearly43 - that sounds positive about your Dad, I know you say he’s not right but even a little better is good. And I think the holiday will do you all good, it’ll be nice having that quality time with your Dad but like you say, the enormity of your mum being not there. We don’t go away until August but my mum and dad would always join us for one of the days and it makes our holiday. I’m so absolutely crushed that this won’t happen now. Mum has already said she couldn’t go there again without my Dad so it’ll be totally different. I do hope you have a lovely time. How long are you away for?

Still not a single word from my sister… all I can say is that I tried.

As for your dream, dreams are hard. Sometimes I have a very vivid dream about my Dad and it’s like he’s still here. In some ways, I love to dream about my Dad but then like you, it upsets me. Someone did tell me and I have read it many times that I’d you dream about a person, that’s the person visiting you through your dreams. Keep talking about your mum like I do about my Dad every day. You’d 6 year old is still so young.’m my youngest is only 7 and he does talk a lot about my Dad and gets upset but he is nearly 7. I like it that we talk about him so much but I also know what you mean about others talking less and less about the person. Other than me and my husband and when I’m with my mum as we talk about Dad all the time, other people aunties etc just seem to barely mention Dad. What scares me the most is that this is the longest I/we’ve been without seeing my Dad and in your case, your mum. It’s never been this long before xx

@Ttc42nearly43

That sounds positive about your Dad, I know you say he’s still not right but even a little better is good. And I think the holiday will do you all good, it’ll be nice having that quality time with your Dad but like you say, the enormity of your mum being not there. We don’t go away until August but my mum and dad would always join us for one of the days and it makes our holiday. I’m so absolutely crushed that this won’t happen now. Mum has already said she couldn’t go there again without my Dad so it’ll be totally different this year. The last time we were there I remember the day mum and Dad joined us so well. Things like buying a bag of sugar ring doughnuts for us all that we all shared, which my Dad used to love.
I do hope you have a lovely time. I think it will also do your Dad good to get away. How long are you away for? Is it half term for you guys next week? We are the week after.

Still not a single word from my sister… all I can say is that I tried.

As for your dream, dreams are hard. Sometimes I have a very vivid dream about my Dad and it’s like he’s still here. In some ways, I love to dream about my Dad but then like you, it upsets me. Someone did tell me and I have read it before that if you dream about a person, that’s the person visiting you through your dreams. Keep talking about your mum like I do about my Dad every day. Your 6 year old is still so young. My youngest is only 7 and he does talk a lot about my Dad and gets upset but he is nearly 8. My 10 year old speaks about Dad every day too. On a weekend I find it the hardest as we’d all be together. We are all very lost for what to do without Dad. I like it that we talk about him so much but I also know what you mean about others talking less and less about the person. Other than me and my husband and when I’m with my mum as we talk about Dad all the time, other people aunties etc just seem to barely mention Dad. What scares me the most is that this is the longest I/we’ve/you’ve been without seeing my Dad and in your case, your mum. It’s never been this long before xx

@LucyintheSky21 @Crunchymum @mrssunshinexxx

thank you for your kind replies. Sorry not to reply sooner, been a bit manic with all the house sale stuff, surveyor is at mum's home today - the buyers are having a full structural survey done so dreading what that will come back with. My husband has gone over to deal with it all as I just couldn't cope :( Have also just all got over covid so still feeling exhausted and run down.

I did go to a bereavement group which was helpful in some ways but I also feel a bit lost now I don't have that space to sit and chat with others that have been through it. Inadvertently made the first steps towards seeing a GP yesterday as I had a nurse appt and ended up crying all over her about mum and the flashbacks I keep having and she's put a note on my file so that I should be able to see a Dr of my choice and actually get an appt as it's near impossible at our surgery. So I will get round to that. Could do with some help just to sleep. @MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose I know what you mean about not switching off and just scrolling aimlessly. My concentration levels are shocking these days and I fall asleep scrolling on my phone as it just blocks everything else out.

@mrssunshinexxx I'm so sorry you didn't get to keep your mum's things and for what you've gone through with your dad. That must be so hard. Yes, my dad died when I was 17 - he was only 44 (same age I am know which is scary) and had a brain tumour. So mum was really my everything.

Am meant to be being productive today and clearing loft space so I can store some of mum's things when the house sells but instead I'm panicking about the survey and just sitting here sobbing at how bloody unfair it all is. I just want my mum and dad.

@chocorangeaddict77

I hope the survey on your mum’s house comes back ok and it goes as smoothly as it can. Thank goodness you’ve got your husband to help deal with that, I know I’d find that very hard too. I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your dear Dad as well. I’m 40, to lose your Dad as a teenager and with so much of his life ahead of him. That must have been absolutely devastating for you as well. I can understand how your mum became everything to you. Someone actually said to me a few weeks ago ‘I bet you’ll really cling on to your mum now’, and I do feel that way. It’s like now I’ve lost Dad, I can’t lose mum so am trying to keep her really close. The whole thing is just awful I know, I wish o had something positive to say to you but I too just want my Dad back here with us where he belongs. I ache when I think how much I miss him. How we get through this I honestly just don’t know. I suppose we should be thankful that we’ve had such amazing parents and relationships with them, they’re still our mum’s and dad’s even when they’re no longer physically here. I said that to my mum the other day, my dad will always be my Dad and he’s in my heart where he will always be.
Sending you a hand hold x

How is everyone doing? I am having a bit of a wobble this week.

My dad has a minor operation in a few days (It is day surgery but requires GA) and I am so stressed. My dad has a heart condition - atrial fibrillation - it is managed and he is still passed fit to work with it BUT I am so triggered by this.

Mum died because of her heart and I am worried about my dad now. I couldn't cope with losing him yet.

I know in my rational mind that all will be fine but my anxiety is through the roof. Of course I don't want to burden my sibling with any of this... I know we all feel the same way though. We've made so much progress in the almost 17 months since her sudden death but we are all still fragile from the trauma of losing mum like we did.

@Crunchymum

I understand how you feel it's scary when something happens to your other parent we have learned the hard way that life is so fragile. I get how you feel 100% and it's ok to feel like you do share with your siblings tho they can support you xx

@Crunchymum - I can fully understand how you feel about your Dad’s minor operation. I think it’s only natural that you’d worry over anything that means going into hospital given what happened with your mum. I’d be the same with my mum I’d she was having something done. Try not to over worry, I know it’s easier said than done. I do think we go into over protective mode with the parent we have left, it’s like we want to hold them really close to us and not let go. They become even more precious to us. I am sure that your Dad will be fine though, but I can understand your worry xx