For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Testarossa44 I bet both our mum’s could help each other if they lived closer, they’re going through the same thing and my mum was the same, Dad made all the household decisions and was sort of what we call the main stay in our family. I hate mum being on her own as well. My oldest son (just turned 10 now) is still sleeping at my mum’s each night, he comes home with me after school but goes in the evening and stays til the morning so that she’s not on her own through the night and he stays on a weekend. I’m waiting for mum to say when she thinks she’d like to try and stay a night on her own. Through the week when my kids are at school I know mum is terribly lonely without my Dad but she tries to keep herself busy ish. On a Monday she has a day where she does all her cleaning jobs she says, and on a Tuesday she sees her good friend, sometimes on a Weds she sees her sister. It’s very hard. We make sure we see mum every weekend. Nothing makes her happy anymore though obviously as all these things are just things she has to do, when what she’s like to do is have my Dad back. I feel so helpless at times x

Just popping in to say hi and I hope you’re all doing as ok as we can.

I’m going on holiday tomorrow - I can’t get excited about it. Was booked before mum passed away and she was going to look after my girls. But obviously now that won’t be happening. So my youngest (10) is going to her daddies. And my eldest (17) is staying home to look after the cats (Grannies). They are both wobbly and so am I.

We’ve also got a completion date for selling Mums house - the day before my birthday 😢 cleaning the house has been so hard and we haven’t finished yet. But I’m hoping we get some relief when it’s done. But then it’s made us feel close to her too… I just don’t know how to feel.

Hi @Plummer88

How are you doing? I can totally understand how you feel about going on holiday, especially as you booked it before anything happened so you weren’t expecting the next time you went away that things would be like this. And especially as your mum was meant to have the your girls. My oldest is 10 and he’s having a really difficult time digesting that my Dad who he aaa really close to isn’t here anymore. How are your girls coping?
And how long are you away for?
I do hope you find some enjoyment on holiday or manage to enjoy some of it. You’ll be thinking of your mum obviously all of the time. We have a holiday booked in August for a week where we go every year and the same week each year. My mum and dad look after our cats when we go but they also come and join us for one full day each year, we go in this country and it always gets very booked up so when we go in August, we come back and I always book and pay the deposit for the following year by xmas but this year I was so unsure what to do. With my Dad not here, I’m not sure about leaving mum but I also can’t take her with us as there’s no-one else really who can feed my cats and look after them (two of them are on on medication and can be awkward) and mum also has a cat. So I paid the deposit reluctantly in December with having it half in my mind that we may not go.
How do you feel about your mum’s house? I don’t know if you’ll get chance to come on here while you’re away, don’t worry if not but please update us all on your holiday. I’ll be hoping you enjoy some of it at least, it’s so hard. All these things now are so unbelievably hard. I love our holiday every year but all I can remember is last summer when my Dad came and spent the day with us using a rope and helping my two boys with their dingy that they bought for the holiday and to think he died in the September, just the following month. It aches and aches to think about.
Good luck today going away, your mum would want you go, I am sure of it xx

It's strange but my mum and dad's house almost immediately came "dad's" for us all. It's still quite jarring to hear one of my siblings say it, even though I say it myself.

It's another one of those oddities grief throws at you.

I hope everyone is well and is doing as okay as they can in the circumstances.

I am having a period of feeling very little - just numb and empty and faded. It will pass, but it's just all such a grind at the moment.

@Crunchymum - Hi, how are you doing? That’s how I’m feeling at the moment, numb empty and faded and just generally find life a bit of a struggle. Getting out of bed each day is a struggle for me, I used to bounce out of bed. I am managing to get up, I have to as I have to get my two boys to school but it’s much more of a struggle than it ever was before Dad.
I still call mum and dad’s house just that because it always will be their house and I don’t like to say just mum’s.
I don’t know when any of this begins to get easier. I just still feel like I can’t believe it, if that makes sense?

@Plummer88

I understand I find holidays difficult too. You carry a guilt about enjoying life. This seems to have eased a bit for me it helps to have children to distract you from your feelings or animals my dog has been my rock. I'd say she's helped me through the worst darkest months more than even my husband. I still miss my mum every single day. Death scares me now or coping with loss does and how it breaks you in two when you loose someone you love that much. Does anyone else feel like that? I keep thinking about how old my dog is and worry that I won't be able to cope when she goes.

Do you know that I never realised how much I was like my mum until recently. I talk like her and my reactions to things are really similar. It's a strange feeling I can hear my mum talking when am talking sometimes for some reason I take comfort in that.

The clearing of your mum's house must be hugely emotional. I had just a single room to clear out at mum's care home but nearly 11 months on the majority of mum's belongings are still in boxes and suit cases. I have some precious sentimental items with me at home but clothes and things like that are all in my dad's house. What do you do with these things? I can't let go of them. We still have mum's wheelchair and reclining armchair. I look at them sometimes and think that mum has spent so many hours sitting there.

I hope you have a good holiday it's hard I know. I have a holiday booked next month with the kids, my dad and my sis. Mum should be there but she can't be this will be difficult for all of us but I still want to make memories with my dad. My first big holiday after mum died was very emotional and I was in tears quite a few times so of it's too much for you it's ok to feel like that. You just don't know how you will handle a situation until you are in it.

Take care ❤️

@Testarossa44

We had a day out today. Went to the coast, it was lovely. I just have this awful awful guilt whenever I do anything remotely enjoyable, like I'm betraying my dad by not being sad about him leaving us. Anyone else feel like that?

Yes I did for months it's not so bad now I was crippled with guilt for doing anything remotely what you would class as being "fun". Am not so hard on myself now am sure that eventually thus feeling with ease for you too. It doesn't mean that you are greiving less you just find ways to cut yourself a bit if slack and cope a bit better with the overwhelming heartache.

Honestly it’s beautiful. I’m in Costa Rica - was an 11.5 hour flight and I HATE flying. But it’s so worth it.

Missing my girls (my eldest has now tested positive for Covid today and I’m not there ahhhh) and my cats (they were mums). It’s so hard but I had to go and I think getting away will do me good. I’m just away for a week, but then an extra day either side for travelling.

Still had emails from the solicitors regarding the garage conversion for the house. Sigh. Mum lived alone so it was a complete house to clear - she was only 58 so had no plans on leaving us yet!!!

Life is just so unfair sometimes. Sat somewhere completely beautiful yet still feel sad.

With regards to clothes - we had these made for the kids from mums clothes (and I got myself one too) then the rest went in a clothes bank. We’ve had to be ruthless, there is no way any of us would be able to keep all her stuff as much as we would love to.

My girls are doing ok - they keep me strong. Obviously lots of sadness as we were very close, the girls saw grandma at least 3 times a week. Taken lots of adapting but we just have to get on with it don’t we?

@Plummer88

Wow that looks beautiful soak up the scenery and try to be kind to yourself. It's a long road to travel down when you loose a parent sometimes you need a bit of a rest all that greiving and upset is exhausting. Try to enjoy yourself you know that your mum would want that. I think all of us on here who has lost a parent or parents know that our loved ones wouldn't want us feeling so utterly devastated but we can't help it because we love them so much.
This break away will help you even just for a while. It's unfortunate about your daughter having covid but she'll be ok and she's with her dad who will look after her. We have all bed through it and am still testing positive on day 6.

I have just finished counselling with Cruse Bereavement my counselor said to me in the last session that I need to let other people help sometimes. It's hard to let go of your caring responsibilities even just for a week but you have some time to yourself just now so please try and relax, try to heal a little if you can.

I think I have healed somewhat in the last few months I miss my mum terribly every day but it's not devastating grief anymore. I found that difficult to process with me not crying every day. I felt guilty about that but I have slowly come to realise that it's ok to live your life. I miss the unconditional love from my mum it was there through my whole life but am trying to reprogram my brain into thinking that I should be greatful that I had a mum like my mum yes am sad that she is gone completely devastated but she also brought so much happiness into my life that I try not to feel sad. I try to feel thankful. I know you feel cheated your mum was very young. Younger than mine my mum died at 66. As time passes you will let go of some of that resentment it still lies with me a bit for example my neighbour has his mum alive and well and he is the same age as my mum was and his mum is 93. It feels like an injustice but at the same time I try to feel happy for him and his family that they are blessed with having their loved ones in their lives for such a long time.

Sometimes I look at other headstones in the cemetery there's a woman buried near my mum the same age as me her children must be young like mine or there's a little boy just up from mum age 11 I seen his mum there a few months ago on her knees crying that must be the worst pain imaginable. It's just so sad.

So make the most of your holiday and when you get home give your kids and those cats the biggest hugs of their lives. They will help you through the darkest times.

Hi sorry I never replied to your post sometimes I come in and out of the group as I need to sometimes I just step away for a bit especially if life is busy and stressful.

Thank you for asking about my son we have all had Covid now except my husband. Am still positive so continuing to self isolate kids are thankfully back at school. My dad had it so I was up at his nursing him in bed for 2 days while he went through the worst of it along with withdrawing from his latest binge session. I was still negative at that point but tested positive the day after I got home from dad's.

How are things with you these days?
Has your sister being in touch and how's your mum? x

@Ttc42nearly43

Hi there, my mum isn’t doing well at all. She hates life without my Dad and cries every day. I don’t see things ever getting better for my mum. She will always still wish Dad was here. We all do. I feel sad all the time, I cry a lot still but not every day. I feel deep sadness and a lot of anger that he’s not here and I miss him so much. I think it’s the longing and wishing I could see my Dad that is the worst and most painful feeling I have ever felt.
How have you been with the covid? I am the only one who got in early December in our house, neither the kids or my Husband caught it. Hopefully you test negative really soon and I hope you’ve not suffered badly with it.
Your post said you have finished the counselling. Is it only so many weeks or so many sessions? And how have you found it, do you feel it has really helped? Like you, I try to look past the devastation and heartache and feel thankful that I had the most amazing Dad and no-one can take that away from me, but at the same time I just can’t believe he is gone. I sound like a stick record but I just can’t. My sister is still no contact with me whatsoever and she hasn’t spoken to my mum for 4 weeks and also hasn’t been to see mum since after the funeral, she hasn’t supported my mum at all.
In that respect, I feel I have lost a sister as well sadly. xx

@Plummer88

How is your holiday going? The picture you posted looks lovely but I understand completely when you say you’re sat somewhere beautiful and yet feel so sad. I honestly don’t know how I’d feel going away or if it would help me or not. We don’t go away until August but it’s the holiday we have every year and the last time we went my mum and Dad both came to see us and I know that will really hurt.
How are your girls? I’m sorry to hear that your eldest has tested positive, two of my friends have both tested positive this week. One today and one yesterday. It’s everywhere. You will be missing them but I really hope that being away helps and soothes you in some way. Like you, we saw my mum and dad a good few times a week so it’s so very hard to adjust. It’s really hard. As you say, life is cruel xx

@mrssunshinexxx How are you?? xx

LucyintheSky21

Has your mum been in touch with Cruse Bereavement it sounds like she needs some support to cope. It sounds like you all do actually. Am the only one in my family who has had counselling. My mum's death hit me like sledge hammer I needed something to help me process my thoughts and feelings. You get early intervention counselling from Cruse Bereavement - 3 sessions then they wait 6 months then offer you another 6 sessions if you feel that you need more. The last counsellor I liked better than the first. I actually think so was ok but I wasn't ready for the early intervention sessions. I didn't want to hear that my mum was gone. I still don't want to hear that but it has become more of a reality as the months go by. I still have moments where I allow myself to think about mum being gone forever it's a big dark hole and I try not to look down it too often as it could be sucked back in again at any stage. I just feel sad now for mum, for all of us that we can't share our lives together anymore. Mum is missing so much of our lives especially her grandkids.

Then you have my dad he's just a train wreck. Drinking heavily on and off. It's not new for him he's been like this for years but since mum died it's intensified and before he could go 6 months without drinking but now he can barely get to 2 months. Am scared that he will kill himself. I don't know if that's what he's trying to do. His GP has referred him for support with his alcohol issues there's a 3 month waiting list and I hope he takes it. His life literally depends on it. Both me and my sister are in bits with anxiety every time he goes back on it. Am not angry with him but I can't help thinking that my mum wanted to live she was terrified in hospital that she was going to die and she did but then there's my dad who has his life to live as he pleases but he is just wasting it and throwing it away. When I look at it that was it does anger me and am angry that he's putting his body through such abuse and putting everyone in the family through even more heartache. I have tried everything to help him but am at a loss I really am.

Has your mum spoken to her GP about getting help? She's maybe not in a place where she would accept help? It doesn't change anything you can't bring your loved one back but at least you feel like your are doing something your not going to forget them hell no my mum is ingrained in every fibre of me but the counseling just gives you a space to talk and cry and get everything out. I found it very helpful.

@Ttc42nearly43

Hi there,
No my mum hasn’t been in touch about any counselling. I have mentioned it to mum but she’s not keen, she can’t see how talking to a stranger will be able to help. I haven’t done anything about it for myself yet but I’m not ruling it out. I just don’t really know what counselling is like, which may sound stupid. Do they just ask questions that allow you to think and open up?
I do think I’m sort of coping. I’m not happy anymore and I miss my life tremendously the way it was before the end of September when my Dad was still here. What you said is how I feel, I feel so sad that my Dad isn’t here to share our lives. He’s missing out on the grandkids who miss him so much and all the things he loved to do. I just never thought it would happen. Inside I feel heartbroken and devastated but I think that’s very normal as it has only been 4 months so it’s massively early days. But even though this is how I feel, I’m still managing to get myself up every day and see to myself and my children. I take my kids to school and I do the house work and the shopping and I do everything I did before. I’m not sitting around not getting dressed every day and not eating like I was in the beginning when I just couldn’t eat. I really do miss my Dad and I ache for him. I think about it every day, I do struggle with how can he have been here in September on my birthday and everything so normal and then just two days later all our lives have changed. That’s what I can’t get my head around and a part of me does get scared that I don’t yet realise he isn’t coming back. So when I say all of this, maybe I do need to consider counselling.
And as for my mum, her life every day for 47 years has been my Dad so she’s not ever really going to be ok. Her life feels empty without my Dad. She will miss my Dad forever. It’s so hard to get your head around.

What’s not helping our situation is my sister. I don’t know if she’s struggling to cope with the loss as well or what it is, but if she was helping my mum by being there for her I think it would help lift my mum a little more. As it stands, mum just has me and my husband and my two children who do everything we can for her. She sees her good friend on a Tuesday and she has her two sisters. My sister cutting herself off really isn’t helping. She has blocked me so I was saying to DH this morning I don’t know if I should send her a letter about how badly mum is coping and try to see if she will come over and see mum. Not sure if it would help or not.
I’m so sorry about your Dad. I was going to say, do you think him drinking is his way of escaping the pain of losing your mum, but I see that you say he was drinking before. I can understand how hard this must be for you to watch as he does still have his life to live, but do you think he’s feeling like my mum who feels she has no life to live? Sort of like, well what is the point in my life now? My mum said to me yesterday that what is the point in anything anymore when she wanted to be doing everything with my Dad. She talks about dreading the summer days when she can’t go out anywhere with my Dad, the places they used to go and all the things and holidays etc they had together. I do totally understand it and I feel so bad for my mum.
It’s hard for me as it is for you or anyone who has lost a parent, but I still have my husband and my two young children who need and depend on me. When we leave my mum’s, she’s alone. Does your Dad talk a lot about your mum and how he’s feeling? I know if it was my mum who had gone first, my Dad wouldn’t have opened up to me and my sister much about his feelings and he wouldn’t have shown it too much. He was quite private in that way and he wasn’t someone who would show his emotions. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have felt it because he loved my mum the same as she loves him, but he would have kept himself more busy I think. He has a good friend he would walk down the road to see and he would come to dad and they were always making stuff and building things like engines etc for their bikes and he went to a place with his friends to a motorbike club on a Thursday. He would still have done all of these things. Dad would have needed me more to cook his meals (something my mum always did for him) and he wouldn’t have had a clue how to use the washing machine etc but he wouldn’t have sat around letting the world see him depressed if that makes sense. In that way, I do sometimes wish it had been the other way round. I would never want to lose either my mum or dad, but I think Dad would have coped better and I find it so hard to see my mum tearful and I’m so much pain every day. I can see and feel the pain she is in and because I love my mum and care for her so much, it is so hard. I just feel helpless at times as there is nothing I can say or do to make my mum any happier.
Do you see a lot of your Dad? Silly question, but have you spoken to him and told him that you’re worried about his drinking because you care about him and want to hold on to him etc? x

@LucyintheSky21

Yes I have spoken even sobbed begging my dad to stop drinking but it doesn't change anything. I think he's depressed his GP has changed his antidepressants but he doesn't always take them or misuses them for example he took 3 x his daily dose last week and drinking on top of antidepressants is counter productive. His GP has referred him to an intensive alcohol programme it last 12 weeks he would need to either stay in hospital for this time or go backwards and forwards to his house. He sort of agreed to the referral but am not sure that he will actually go. They said 3 months to wait until there is space for him the chances are that in 3 months he will be off it and in denial that he even has a problem. It like an emotional rollercoaster with my dad from one day to the next you don't know how you are going to find him. He lies too a lot to cover up his drinking he thinks am stupid and I don't know when he's had a drink. He can be sitting drinking wine with the bottle at the side of his chair and say to me that he's only got water in his glass. It's very frustrating I actually think that he believes what he's saying and he thinks both me and my sister are idiots but we are not he's been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. Drinking is his coping mechanism when life gets tough and I know that he misses mum terribly. He says that he has nightmares about mum he dreamt one night that he was under the ground with mum. It was awful to hear him talk like that but if he does talk about his feelings (which is very rarely) then I try to listen and not get upset.

He is lonely I get that I understand that and I try to see him as much as I can. He could make life better for himself tho and the responsibility surly is up to him to get out and meet people. He is very insular and doesn't mix that much. I tried to get him to join in with a local walking group but he never went. There also a lunch club that he could attend but am not sure I should mention anything to him as he's quite anxious right now. The thing is my dad is 76 and when he's sober we he's a young 76 and sometimes still does the odd job here and there. He's a retired builder to trade. He goes to the church on a Sunday and he enjoys this but once the drink gets a hold of him he's like a total different person and becomes very frail and never leaves the house. His GP offered him counselling but he's not keen either much like ur mum.

Re counselling it's basically a safe space for you to talk about your loved one. They do ask questions to enable you to explore your feelings but you would probably find that you would do the most of the talking and probably lots of crying. In the beginning it can be exhausting but as the sessions progress you find that you can talk more and cry less. The time is exclusively for you and you don't need to feel guilty about off loading on someone. The stranger part is a benefit because they hold no preconceived judgements or knowledge of your family they basically know what you want tell them but they draw out of you all the guilt and bad feelings and try to help you make sense of it all possibly look at things from a different perspective.

GP's do offer referrals to counseling services but I just contacted Cruse Bereavement myself.

About your sis is very odd how she's broken contact there must be a reason. I think if I were you a letter sounds good but you'd probably need to be careful how you word it. If you make her feel guilty she could return that feeling with anger. You clearly miss her and are very confused as to what has happened. Why don't you write her and tell her that you miss her and you want to understand what happened and ask her to make contact with you. I know your probably raging with her but anger won't fix the bridges that have broken. Your sister must have a good reason why she has broken contact am not saying it's a justifiable reason but maybe she's got the wrong end of the stick about something and this could be cleared up if you guys spoke to each other. She must in her own head think that what she is doing is right for her but maybe she needs to hear how her actions are affecting you too. I think she owes you an explanation.

Good luck 🤞

@Ttc42nearly43

I really feel for you and your sister about your Dad, and I feel for him as well. Obviously alcohol is his way of coping but it’s not a good way obviously as it could be detrimental to his health. You’re all going through the worst time of your lives and having to worry about your Dad’s drinking on top of your own grief must make things much harder for you and your sister. Hopefully his referral for help with the drinking comes through soon enough and that he takes that up. I can understand him feeling lonely, and you see him as much as you can but it’s very different seeing your daughters or grown up children. We do everything for my mum, my ten year old son still stays with my mum every night so she’s not alone and she comes to me about 3 times a week for tea etc and we are there all the time but it makes no difference. Every Sunday I make sure we all get out for a walk in the fresh air etc with my two boys to the park or somewhere, even though my mum doesn’t want to go or feel like going and she’s always tearful. I do it to get us all out. Because as I say to my mum, we don’t have to be happy but we can be together. My mum is desperately lonely and sad without my Dad and no matter how much time we spend with her or even if she filled her days with seeing a different person each day, she’d still be desperately lonely. It’ll be the same for your dad because I think it must be a different loneliness when you’ve lost your husband or wife of all those years. Your life as you know it has changed forever and will never be the same. I’m not excusing your Dad’s drinking or the way anyone behaves, i just think it must be so much harder for them. I hate every day without my Dad and I wake up every day thinking about it but I still have my husband and my two children to bring up and raise. Mum has to wake up each day and go to bed each night without my Dad. Your Dad will be the same. And anything we suggest they do like walking groups or things I suggest by my mum, she has no interest or desire to do them because she just wants to be doing things with my Dad. It really is such a hard situation. We can only do our best. I honestly think some people never feel happy again, it sounds morbid but I think my mum will just go on and exist. She will see her family and do things but she won’t be happy again without Dad. My Nan was the same when she lost my Grandad, she was depressed and she did things and she did have a laugh and have good times but deep down there was always this sadness in her and she was always waiting to be reunited with him.
Re my sister. I know what you mean about reaching out but you may have misunderstood me. I meant I was thinking of writing to her to explain how utterly broken our mum is and that it would mean the world to her if my sister and her kids could step up and be there for her. My sister has no reasons, and I can’t forgive her for how she’s treated my mum. Of all the things that can happen in life, our Dad passed suddenly and unexpectedly and my sister hasn’t been there for my mum or for me. Her children are also much older than mine. Her oldest is 18 and they down even text my mum to see how she is or ring her. My mum has tried and tried and since the day after the funeral my sister has not been there for my mum. She doesn’t even ring her once a week. If my mum rings her, she doesn’t answer or sends a lousy text message back. She has been awful to my mum and said hurtful shameful things like mum needs to ‘get on with her life now’ and seems to have no understanding of what mum and me are going through. It’s like she doesn’t feel it. I of course don’t want it to be like this, I miss my sister but I’m so hurt she’s let mum down at a time like this and that she’s shut herself off from me and my kids. It would take a lot for me to forgive her but I wish she would step up for my mum. It doesn’t matter what my sister feels, or what her reasons, she has a mum who is on her own and she’s also had loads to deal with like solicitors and probate we are now dealing with, a financial advisor we have had to get involved to sort Dad’s shares, there’s been so much on top of the emotional side of things to deal with and my older sister hasn’t helped with anything. I am doing it all and running my house and two young kids, I just think it’s so selfish and unfair. xx

I posted this earlier when I didn’t realise this thread existed… just copied and pasted as my brain can make sense of what’s happening.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I found my mum dead in her home yesterday, she was just 61 years old, I’m only 33 - we have no idea what happened to her. We had a very difficult relationship as many mothers and daughters do, she drove me insane at times and was very needy and demanding of my attention as she was lonely; I feel absolutely awash with grief of the fact that this wound me up and I could get overwhelmed with her. I did truly love her even when we fought, and I suppose I am so so worried now that she might not have realised how much I cared for her because I struggled to express my emotions at times. She was generous to a fault, often felt buying my love would make me easier to deal with due to me certainly being neurodiverse and her more than likely so. We had a completely enmeshed life; we worked together, I spoke to her almost every single day in one way or another.

I have no idea how any of this works, I can’t eat, I’ve slept about two minutes, my whole body is shaking and I feel sick to my core.

My husband, my family and friends and our work colleagues are trying to support me, but I just don’t know what to do, how to behave or act. I’m a nurse, I’m used to death, I’ve lost loved ones, but none of that seems to matter now I’ve lost my mum.

@Orangesox

Firstly you have come to the right place this is a safe space for you to express your grief. We are all in this together. I know what you are going through and it's so difficult. The guilt eats away at you. Similar to your mum mine was also very needy and demanding of my time sometimes I'd get annoyed at my mum for calling me at times when I was busy. I tried asking her so many times to call later on at night when the house was quiet and the kids were in bed but she never did the phone used to always go in the middle of bathtime or teatime. Without fail my mum would never catch me at a "good time". Don't get me wrong I was there for her and gave as much of myself as I could more than anyone else in the family 1000 times over but you keep playing over in your head the conversations, what you wish you hadn't said or had said it's exhausting. I get that I know how that feels.

My mum died last March after a sudden illness she was 66 years old. What I can say to you is that through time and with support whether that be grief counselling, talking to other family members, work colleagues and friends you do start to let go of the guilt. It's a long road but you know I read something in a book which I bought my daughter on grief after my mum died. The page read "remember that the person loved you for who you are not what you said or did". I think that is true your mum would love you unconditionally that's what mum's do.

You are in the early stages of grief this is the hardest time but you will get through it. I lost over a stone in weight and felt constantly sick for weeks on end. I think it's the shock.

Teach out to people don't hide your grief. Call your GP ask for hel, talk to your line manager there will be counselling available through your work. Call Cruse Bereavement their helpline staff are amazing.

Just do whatever you need to do to get through each day. Once you have got through one day that's good and you'll get through the next day too.

What you have experience finding your mum like that is a huge trauma it will take a very long time for you to process what has happened. As you have a medical background you will know what questions to ask in regards to what happened to your mum. You need answers to try to make sense of what has happened. Even with the answers it will still take a long time to accept and digest the facts.

There really is now way to go through this easily but we are all here from you if you need us.

@Orangesox

Hi there,

I second what @Ttc42nearly43 has said, you have come to the right place. Pull up a chair, we are all in this together sadly. I am very sorry for your loss. At the moment you’ll be in complete shock and despair. And as many of us on here can, I can fully relate to that completely, as I lost my amazing Dad also very suddenly and without any warning. A healthy fit and very busy active normal dad, here one day and died the next at the end of September. So you’re not alone. My Dad was our on his bike (motorbike) with friends having a very normal day for him and that night he had a heart attack and it killed him. We were all meant to be going out that weekend for my birthday meal. It was my 40th birthday. Dad was treating us all for my special birthday, but my Dad passed all of a sudden on the Friday. So it turned out to be the worst birthday of my life. And my life has been upside down ever since.
What @Ttc42nearly43 has said is all very true, at the beginning you won’t sleep or eat and you’ll cry out loud and you’ll feel like a walking zombie who doesn’t know what to do with yourself. We sat around for days with my mum not knowing what to do or how to behave but the pain we all felt I have never known anything like. The adrenaline will keep you going, like it did me. Like others will come along and say, you won’t get over losing your mum and it doesn’t get easier. I hate it when people try and say it does. What I want to say is that you learn to cope but you carry the pain with you forever. Please don’t beat yourself up with guilt over things you did or didn’t say or the times you were exasperated etc, your mum will know how much she meant to you as I know my Dad knows he meant the world to me and I know he’s still with me. Just getting through one day at a time is what I’m doing at the moment and that’s all you need to do. You don’t need to think about what do I do next or how do I move on. You don’t. You simply get through each day the best you can, and just slowly one day at a time.
We are all on here to listen and to share our experiences so remember that you’re not alone.

I’m having such a tough time, I hope someone will hear me on this thread.

My dad died in early Nov, 5 years after he’d been diagnosed with vascular dementia, and 10 years almost to the day since my mum died. I was 5.5 months pregnant as I held his hand while he passed away. I can’t even type this without crying. I was holding my bump while they wrapped up his body and took him away. I’d been looking after him for so long.

And now it’s less than 7 weeks until my due date, and I’m feeling so let down by my husband, so exhausted. Me, my husband, and our two year old all had Covid last week. I feel let down by friends who aren’t showing up for me. I just want someone to hear how I’m feeling.

@BereavedAndPregnant

Am so sorry that you lost your lovely dad it sounds like you were deticated to looking after him. How lucky he was to have such an amazing daughter. We hear you on hear and understand exactly how you are feeling. There are a couple of women here who similar to yourself lost a parent either pregnant or having just given birth. It sounds like an awful time to be grieving not that any times is a good time it's not it's just awful whenever you loose someone that you love so much.

It's early days for you I know how you feel about being let down by your husband mine was useless too. I ended up turning to other people mainly friends or work colleagues for support. Do you have a good friend or work colleague that you could turn to at this time someone that you could reach out to and say that you need them? I think sometimes people don't quite get the enormity of loosing a parent possibly because they haven't experienced this themselves or in my husband's case who's dad died many years ago but he was still taken aback by my grief his appeared from what he described less of an impact. I even got the same response from his mum who obviously has lost her husband. I feel like they expected me to bounce back quicker than I did. I suppose everyone is different and reacts differently.

My mum was a huge part of my life similar to yourself with your dad. My mum was in a care home but I was the constant visitor and go to person for whatever was happening in her life I tried to make it better for her. You find that without that person needing you, you start to feel this huge void not just from the person themselves although they are the majority of the void but I also found that I was missing being the person responsible for my mum. There is many side to your grief it's not black and white but talking about your dad will help somewhat. If you can't find a good friend to support you then maybe speak to your midwife and ask for help with your grief.

In time you will cope better I recall hating people telling me that back after my mum died and I thought to myself there's no way am ever going to feel any better. You basically feel like your life ended too, am not sure if that's how you have been feeling? I can say that you do pick yourself up somewhat. It takes a long time my mum died last March and I can honestly say that it's taken me this length of time to feel like am coping with life. Sometimes am just about coping and other days life isn't too bad. There with always be a space missing in my heart for my mum and am a different person having lost her. Your kids will help you get through this they will be your purpose for getting up in the morning even though you probably just want to lie in bed and hide from it all. It's incredibly difficult to loose a parent certainty loosing my mum has been the biggest most devastating thing to happen to me so far.

You will be experienced the normal exhaustion of the 3rd trimester but on top of that you are exhausted from missing your dad. It is perfectly understandable. Try to get a support network if you can seek advice from your midwife and GP. I swear by the Cruse Bereavement helpline I used this a LOT in the early months they are great.

Hugs to you at this awful time. If you can try to look forward to the birth of your baby he or she will of course be a little part of your dad because he made you and you made them. Hopefully one day you will find comfort in this thought but like I said it's very early days for you so please don't put to any high expectation on yourself. It's ok not to be coping right now.

I miss my mum every minute of every day and I would give anything just to see her and hug her and tell her that I love her it's just so devastating.

We are all here for you ❤️

@BereavedAndPregnant

I just wanted to say that I also hear you. And I’m so sorry about your Dad. And I understand what you’re going through. I lost my Dad at the end of September, so it’s really early days for me too. And I don’t know about you, but I still feel every day since it happened that none of this is real and that he will be coming back. This worries me sometimes, because I don’t know if one day it will hit me or if it won’t ever fully hit me. In some ways I hope it doesn’t and that I will always think he’s coming back. My life is so strange without my Dad, he’s left such a huge hole for me and my mum and do my two young boys who adored him. He went far too soon and too young and it’s floored me. So I understand. And I really feel what you say in your post as well because even though I do have friends, I feel like I don’t sometimes. I feel like none of my meant to be ‘good friends’ really care that much about what I’m going through. Whether it’s because they haven’t been through it, I don’t know. I just feel like people are caring and understanding for 3 weeks and then no-one mentions it, apart from family I mean. It’s like people expect you to just move on, and I know I never will.
I don’t expect people to sit and talk about my Dad and what’s happened every time I speak to them or see them but it’s like friends text or ring and ask how are you etc and when you say well not so good, they’re like ‘really, why?’ And I just want to hit them. Yes some days are worse than others and harder than others. But I’m not ok and it’ll be a long time before I’m ever ok again.
I had mentioned on here a while ago, before xmas that it would be good (if possible) if we could arrange a meet up group for any of us on here who have lost either mum or dad who are able to meet (obviously I know it wouldn’t work for all of us as I don’t know where people are based) but I really wish there was some sort of meet up group for people like us, all going through the same thing. Just where we could go and have a cup of tea or coffee and talk about what we’re going through together as I think we’d all be able to support each other better because we’re all going through it. I know there’s counselling but it’s not really a route I want to go down (not yet anyway) and I would rather talk to people like me who are going through the same rather than an impersonal counsellor. I’d even host it at my house if anyone was interested. Anyway, it’s just a thought and like I say, I don’t know how possible it would be. I’m in West Yorkshire by the way.
I just feel that other than my mum, no one understands at all what I’m going through and people say the wrong things. It would be so nice and comforting to have people on hand who are going through it and so understand the feelings and the process. Mum whilst she is going through it too, it’s hard to burden her with my pain as she’s lost her husband of 47 years and she’s feeling it worse than anyone so I’m trying to be strong for her.

@LucyintheSky21

Hi Lucy I just wanted to say that the Cruse Bereavement counsellor I had she had been through the loss of her dad I think many of the volunteers have experienced loss that is why they help out with that charity. It's just something to think about xx

@Ttc42nearly43

Hiya,

Oh really? I never stopped to think that the counsellor’s might have also been through it. Are they all volunteers? I must sound so stupid, but I always think of counselling as a really formal setting, clinical sat with someone really professional with a clipboard. I’ve got it all wrong, haven’t I?
I decided to write the letter to my sister by the way. I posted it on Monday, quite a long letter. I explained that I feel hurt she’s turned her back on us and our mum and that I don’t know why but mostly told her how hard our mum is finding things and that she really does need us both. God only knows if I have done the wrong or right thing!

How are you feeling today?

Me and mum went out shopping together today and we stopped to have a cup of tea and shared some little triangle sandwiches. It was nice, my mum wanted to spend a gift voucher she’d got for xmas from her sister. We spoke a lot about Dad. It upset me though. I know my Dad lost his own Dad when my Dad was just 9 years old. But mum told me that my Dad had always been worried that he too would have a heart attack when he turned 50 or early 50’s like his Dad. She said it had always worried him. My Dad’s Dad was 53 when he died, so Dad went 21 years longer. But as we talk about him, I just feel how much I really miss him and wish so much that he was here.

Today is 18 months since my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly at 69 and I don't feel it's getting any easier at all. I'm about to have to clear her home as I've just accepted an offer on it and I'm already feeling resentful of people that are only trying to help, but it's so hard when they're trying to be practical with furniture that can be given away, and lots of oh I'll take that and my friend can sell it for her charity. I just want to scream at them all to go away! I know it's just a dining table or just a set of crockery but to me it's my childhood and it's comfort. All down to me to do it as my brother lives abroad so can't help at all.

Everyone else has moved on but I just feel so sad and angry a lot of the time. I struggle to sleep as I get flashbacks of finding her and I struggle to concentrate on anything anymore. But it feels too late to ask for help and I know all my GP will do is stick me on antidepressants and tell me to go and find a therapist.

Sorry for the moan, just really struggling with it all at the moment.