For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Ttc42nearly43

Hiya,

How are you doing? Are you still on holiday, if so how’s it going? And how is your Dad? If you’re still away, I hope you’re having a nice time and enjoying some quality time with your Dad.
I had a very real vivid dream last night about my Dad but as great as it is to see him in my dreams exactly as he was, it hurts so much the next morning when I think how much I am so desperate to see him. I wish he was still here, I really do just hate it without my Dad around. I know you must feel exactly 100% the same about your mum. xx

@LucyintheSky21

Hi thank you for the message. Yes we are still on holiday until Saturday. It's been quite full on 3 young kids my two plus my neices kid. My dad seems ok maybe a little tired but these holidays are always very busy. We had a nice time today as we went go karting. Its awful how your mind works tho I got a picture of me and dad at the go karts and I had in my head that I needed to get the picture to look back on when he's gone. That sounds awful and I don't know why am thinking that way as he is thankfully very much alive and hope so for a long time to come. I think it's because we had so many holidays with my mum and sometimes I had no photos of her at all just taking pictures of the kids no adults in the pictures it makes me very sad to look back on these holiday pictures it's like my mum was never there. I know she was but I need to see her in the pictures with us but my camera was always aimed at my kids.

I feel the empty space every minute of this holiday. Everything we do I think about my mum and think about how much she would enjoy being here with us. I think about how unfair it is that she is missing out on being here with u. I feel sad for her missing out we were all mum's life her family meant everything to her. I feel sad for us all too as we are missing her so very much. My mum's memory is everywhere no matter where I go but I can't seek comfort in that it's just too painful.

Holidays with someone so important missing are difficult. I only came so we could try to make new memories for the kids but it's hard there's one very important person missing and no holiday with every be the same without my mum.

I know that you will be feeling this too in August when u go on ur holidays. Do u think your mum will go with you all maybe? xx

@Ttc42nearly43

Your holiday sounds lots of fun and it sounds like the sort of thing we do when we go in August. Last August we also did go-karts, and crazy golf. We go to Whitby every year as it’s out favourite place, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it or know it. I know just exactly how you feel and when you say about how you’ve aimed your camera so much on your kids in photos, that strikes a chord with me too unfortunately. I have done nothing since my Dad passed but scroll through my phone at the photos over and over again. Even if I find a picture with half of my Dad in, I move it to my emails so it’s let forever and never lost. I do of course have photos of Dad in my phone as you will of your mum but like you say, I am the same and nearly all my photos are of my two boys, even though much of the time my mum and Dad were there with us.
Yesterday I was looking through some things in my wardrobe, things like old cards I’ve kept etc and I still have the last gift bag from my mum and dad that they gave me for my bday in September (two days before the tragedy happened and before life changed forever) and on the tag in the gift bag it says from mum and dad, I also have the last bday card from them both and it may sound daft but I’m going to put them somewhere safe in a box so that I don’t ever lose them as I know I won’t ever get another one with both their names on.
Like you, I think I’m feeling the same. Much of what you say is how I’m feeling too. Whatever I’m doing, I am thinking of my Dad. I don’t slee for thinking about him and I dream about him such a lot. I can hear his voice inside my head and it’s still so clear and real. And what hurts me so much is that I know he wants to be here with us as his family too were his life. He loved his family, he was a huge family man, just like your mum-her family were everything to her from what you say. That makes me so sad. I’m still very much on the fence about our holiday, I don’t know if it’ll make me feel worse or better. Can I ask you, I know you’ve gone probably mainly for the kids and I know the absence of your mum being there you will really be able to feel. But, would you say you’re glad you’ve gone? How is your Dad when he’s walking a round without your mum?
I’d love to take my mum with us but she says she can’t bare to go there again without my Dad. We’ve paid the deposit but don’t have to pay the rest until June xx

@NoMoreJobs I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the kindest thread that frankly nobody would ever want to voluntarily join.

I’ve had a pretty rotten day today; had my mums cause of death from the coroner. It’s come to light that she hadn’t been managing an underlying health condition, and had she attended for the appointments for this, the problems that lead to her death could probably have been treated. I am beyond devastated that her pride and not wanting to feel “chastised” for her health got in the way of her seeking help and attending for reviews, and has potentially robbed me of years that I could have had with her. We had a very difficult relationship at times over my 33 years on this Earth, and this has just put the cherry on top for me really. I had to walk out of her house where I was organising her belongings whilst I talked to the coroner as I became overwhelmed with the urge to smash everything up in anger. What is wrong with me?!?

No idea what happened there… in my stupidity I’ve replied to a message from the beginning of the tread. What an idiot

Just found this thread. I lost my dad when I was 3 and my mum August 2020, when I was 32. I'm stuck in this circle of putting thoughts out of my mind about my mum because its so painful, but then guilt for not thinking about her. Can't win really.

@Catrinka - So sorry about both your mum and your Dad. This is a really nice thread and I hope you find you can share your feelings on here. I just wanted to say that I lost my Dad end of September and just can’t get my head around it or the shock. I too can’t bare to think about it too much so I push the thoughts away or don’t allow myself to think too deeply about it because it is too painful. I don’t think any amount of time makes it easier.

@LucyintheSky21

That's us home today from holiday yeah we went for the kids and to spend quality time with my dad. Life is so busy with work and kids stuff I only really see my dad at the weekends so I treasure the time we have on our holidays. None of us are able to return to a destination where we holidayed with mum it's just too painful so we chose somewhere that we never went with mum. I avoid places where I was with mum it sounds mental but I don't want to be somewhere where I know that the last time I was there was with my mum. I don't know how long this feeling will last but it's very strong. Even if we go away in our campervan with my husband and the kids. My mum never even seen our campervan but I cannot go anywhere in it where I have been on holiday with mum before something is stopping me and i can't get past it. My husband gets a but frustrated with this but he doesn't give me a hard time about it thankfully.

My dad enjoyed Aviemore it snowed a lot but he has said that he would like to go back. We spoke about how much mum would have liked it there and am sad that we couldn't share the holiday with her. I had frequent bouts of guilt on holiday thinking about how my mum is in a coffin and we are all on holiday. How is that fair? What are u supposed to do tho you still need to try and live even though you don't always see the point or pleasure in life there is no other option but to try and make the best of it however you can.

My mother in law's long term partner is in hospital he is receiving palliative care following a heart attack 4 weeks ago. Am trying to be strong for her but just thinking about the pain that lies ahead for her is difficult to face. It sounds crazy and an absolutely not thinking about me in the equation but I have no idea how I will cope going to his funeral. I know it's not about me and I'll be as strong as I possibly can be for my mother in law it's a scary through tho and I imagine us all in the church what a horrible thought.

I think a lot about my dad dying I know it's not good. I can't help it I just need him and want him with me forever. I can't imagine not having any parents this much be awful and I know there are people on this threat living this reality and my heart goes out to everyone.

I also worry about my elderly dog dying she's 13 now and I love her so much. I don't think I will cope when she goes I think I'll be an absolute wreck. Mum supported me through the death of my other dog 3 years ago she spent hours on the phone to me talking and listening to me crying. God I miss her so much.

How are you getting in this week? x

@Ttc42nearly43

I was thinking about you today and wondering if you’d be back yet. Have you had a good time? I totally get what you mean when you say about not being able to go back to the same places where you went with your mum because I feel the same. Re our holiday in August, we always go to the same place as we have friends who all go the same week. It’s not actually a place where we have been on holiday with my mum and dad, it’s just me and my husband and my two boys who go each year but my mum and Dad join us for a day each time we’re there and it a lovely day and makes the holiday for me. It’s in this country so it’s only a two hour drive for my mum and dad to come and join us. It will devastate me this year though that neither mum or dad will come for a day with us.
I’m glad you have had some quality time it’s your Dad, we’ve to cherish that now. It that feeling you mention out imagining your mum being in a coffin while you’re on holiday and doing things, I feel like that all the time too and it’s the worst feeling. It feels so brutally cruel and unfair. We have my mum over at ours today as are about to order a takeaway and it’s something we have always done with mum and dad on a Saturday and I think all the time how unfair it is that he’s not joining us. What hurts me the most is how much my oldest son is missing doing things with my Dad, he says he wasn’t just his grandad, Dad was his bestfriend and that crushes me. They used to do so much together. I would say I’m ok but I’m not, I’m just getting through each day the best I can but I miss him so much and I can’t get or find any enjoyment in anything x

@Ttc42nearly43

Hi again,

Sorry, I was just reading over my message again that I sent earlier and realise there’s a few typo’s. It’s my phone and it’s so annoying. When I read what you’d said about feeling guilty, it is just exactly how I feel, and my mum does too. My Dad is laying in a coffin too and we’re sat enjoying a takeaway or whatever it is that we’re doing. And like you said, what are we meant to do? We have kids so we have to carry on each day with the normal things we do, and I am doing all of those things but life just feels so awfully different. My mother in law irritated me this week when she asked me how I am and I was saying how hard it is without Dad etc and she said ‘in time you will just get used to it’. I felt so annoyed. I won’t get used to it, and I don’t ever want to. I will miss my Dad forever.

With your feelings about your dog, I also understand that. We have cats and my oldest one is nearly 20! Do cats even live that long? I’ve never known anyone have a cat live beyond 16. And I too can’t bare to think that he might not have long left with us. I’ve had him half my life exactly. I’m 40 and I’ve had him before I met my husband, before I had my kids. I can’t bare the thought of losing anyone else who I love. Cats included because cats and dogs are our family members too. I love mine like my kids.

I also wanted to say sorry to hear about your mother in law’s partner. So many people seem to have told me recently about people who they know like dad’s and uncle’s and mother’s etc who have had a heart attack and have survived, and this sounds awful I know, but I feel so angry that they have survived but my Dad didn’t. I feel like how is that fair. xx

@Ttc42nearly43

I do of course hope that your mother in law’s partner makes a full recovery. I hope you didn’t misunderstand what I meant. I didn’t actually mean you, just people keep telling me of someone who has had a heart attack and it doesn’t make sense to me why some people make full recoveries and someone like my dad who was so loved and so liked and such a good family man didn’t make it. I hope you know what i was trying to say xx

Hi everyone. I dip in and out of this thread, haven’t posted for a while. I’m sorry for you all going through it.
@Ttc42nearly43 I know exactly what you mean both about the holidays and the fear of those close to me dying. My own death is not remotely scary but the idea of loosing my DH or remaining parent is overwhelming.
@LucyintheSky21 I get this too. It’s so awful but when I find out someone died I always ask the age and can’t help but think “well count yourself lucky, my dad didn’t get that long”. It’s actually making me quite bitter.
It’s been 11 months since we lost my darling dad and it seems to have hit me all over again like when he first died. I yearn to call him and hear his kind voice, to feel his hugs. He had the most calming presence and a way of making anything better. I feel utterly lost without him. My mum is a shell of her former self and my teen DD is in therapy to help her cope with the loss of such a big part of our lives. I have had far from an easy life but nothing has hurt me like this.
Apologies for the long rant, it’s hard to “still” talk about it to people who (luckily) don’t understand it.

@LucyintheSky21

It ok I completely get how you feel my mother in law's partner is 14 years older than my mum was when she died I wonder how is that fair bit that I want anything to happen to him I bopehe holdson for as long as he can just so long as he isn't suffering but it sounds like he is utterly exhausted. Am not bitter anymore (or I do my best not to be) I used to be but you can't carry the bitterness forever everyone has the right to live as long as the can it's just difficult to get your head around why some people are taken so young and others aren't. My mother in law's partner is receiving palliative care there's nothing more that they can do for him it's only a matter of time. I just worry about her because she lost her husband when he was just 60 (my father in law who I never met) and she found love again several years later, this was a surprise to my husband but this man has become her life so we are all worried how she will cope when he dies. It must be truly awful to loose a husband/partner but how does one cope with loosing two I have no idea.

Sometimes I still can't believe that my mum is gone. I know you and many other have expressed the same disbelief. You go around in circles. Tonight I feel like utter crap really am so low and I have been thinking a lot about my mum's final days in the hospital. Looking back it's like watching a horror movie but this is my life.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Am sorry to hear about your lovely dad passing they are such a huge miss. Your life stops when a parent dies doesn't it. That's what I found I was in limbo for a good 5 months then have slowly been trying to claw some sort of life back but all the while just feel totally lost without my mum.

Hugs to everyone this evening x

@Ttc42nearly43 thank you so much for responding. It’s exactly that. Life stopped and now it’s spinning again but I’m stuck somewhere in between. Trying to claw back to reality. Sorry your feeling low today. Was your mum in hospital long? It’s crazy how one person can have such a big impact. Sending hugs and strengths. I hope you have lots of happy memories to look back on.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Morning thank you for your message. My mum was in hospital for 11 days after a sudden illness she had a cellulitis infection in her leg which lead to sepsis and then kidney failure. It was horrific to watch as she slowly slipped away it wasn't pain free for her as she was having terrible body spasms until the very last day. My mum was 66 it's complicated tho as people were responsible, professionals, nurses, the GP at the care home where she lived people who who were slow to get her medical help too slow that when she was admitted 3 days after they initially saw the redness on her leg and got her the help she needed but it was too little too late. Am in the process of obtaining an independent medical report and have instructed a solicitor to investigate. There were major failures in mum's care and I have had all of my complaints upheld by the Care Inspectorate. This wasn't actually good news I was desparate for them to come back and say that the care was fine but there was no evidence of close monitoring during the days leading up to my mum's hospital admission. It is all very distressing I don't know how I will react if the medical report comes back as to say that if they got her to hospital quicker then mum would still be here. To date I haven't had a clear answer on this question only a "possibly" from the hospital medics.

Do you want to tell me a bit about your dad? I'd love to hear about him x

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Morning, thank you for your message. So sorry to hear about your lovely Dad. I know that feeling. Your Dad sounds similar to mine, he was very central to our family. He also had a way of making everything right. He was a very fit and healthy active man and no signs of being unwell or anything. And this is what I can’t get my head around. You say it was 11 months ago for you. My Dad was and of September, so coming up 5 months and I’m in more disbelief each day. Like you, when I hear of anyone who has recently passed, I straight away ask how old were they. My Dad was 74 but he was a very young 74 and slim and tall and fit well, active, always busy, a huge family man but also loads of friends. You mentioned your daughter is having counselling. I wonder if my oldest son might benefit from that too. My two boys were so close to my Dad. My oldest is ten and he idolised my Dad. They did everything together. My Dad could make do and fix anything, so there was always something he was building or making and my son would always help him and learned such a lot from him. He misses him so much. Is the therapy helping your daughter?
My mum is also a former shell of her old self. I absolutely hate this life without my Dad, and I feel bitter and angry but I feel worse for my poor mum who was married to my Dad for 47 years as she will never be happy again. She carries on but you ca hear and see the sadness in her face and voice each day. She almost has no life or purpose now he’s gone. I make mum come for her tea a few times a week and my oldest son seeps most nights with her, after school he will go in the evening and ether have a meal with her and stay over to give her company or just sleep over so she’s not alone. But I feel like my mum just exists now. Se will clean the house and so a bit I’d shopping and sees a friend on a Tuesday and sees my auntie but my auntie is not wet understanding as she’s not ad any meaningful relationships. It’s just so very hard. I feel al of the time like Dad is coming back.

@Ttc42nearly43

I truly share the same disbelief as you, every single day actually. I just can’t believe Dad is not here. Sounds crazy actually but when I’m here at my house and my mum is at her house, in a strange way it feels like they’re both there and like everything is still ‘normal’ and it’s comforting to feel like it’s still like that. And sometimes I just feel like I’ve taken as much d this as I can and like enough is enough, the joke is over now, bring Dad back please. It’s like non of this is real and it’s just a nightmare or a movie I’m in. My youngest boy is going to be 8 in June and he keeps saying ‘dad won’t be here for my birthday’. We always have a family bbq as well as a party for his friends. How do we do it this year without Dad?! I am sorry about your mother in law’s partner. Did he also like my Dad has a heart attack out of the blue? xx

@Ttc42nearly43 that sounds horrific! I agree I’m not sure if knowing they made mistakes would just make it worst, it’s so unfair ☹️ And your mum was young! Utterly heartbreaking and I hope in time you find peace.

My dad was a simple, hardworking family man and as a child I thought it was perfectly normal and everyone had one like mine. Then I learnt how rare he was, he was always so present and full of love for us, nothing was too much trouble and he would help anyone. From walking my best friend down the aisle to delivering cakes to someone because they had mentioned they like them, he was just so thoughtful and kind.

@LucyintheSky21 so many similarities in your story. My dad was also 74 and fit and in good health and married for 47 years. I don’t think my mum will recover either, my heart is in bits for her and as the only child they had contact with this has brought so much responsibility. The pressure of now being solely responsible for my mum as well as my kids weighs heavy on me. My son is also 8 and this was the first time I only did a birthday party out of home, I couldn’t face a family party without him.

Therapy is helping my daughter, though it took a few months of trying to persuade her before she went. She goes weekly now and it’s allowed her to process things and realise it isn’t my fault, her default setting has always been that I should be able to make things better and she’s not reacted well to the fact that 1) I can’t make it better 2) I am barely holding it together myself.

Everything feels such a mess.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Oh my goodness, yes, so many similarities in our stories and our situations! Can I ask, what happened to your Dad? I will tell you about what happened to my Dad if you like. 74 feels like a life stolen to me. It’s still so young. And my Dad, he was young in himself. There’s me and my older sister but (and you might have missed this on the thread) but my sister hasn’t been any support to my mum. She lives two hours away, but still not timbucktoo, but she’s not supported any of us. So I am like you, I am having to be the one to prop up my mum and help her and support her, while I’m struggling to cope myself without Dad, and I also have two young kids. I have a feeling that our children are also the same or similar ages, how old are yours? My oldest boy is 10 and youngest is 7 but 8 in June.

Me, my husband and my two boys were like in a bubble with my mum and dad. All through lockdowns and covid, we stuck together and only saw each other. We have always been really really close all 6 of us. Every weekend we spent together with my mum and dad, takeaways every Saturday night and days out every weekend. We’d always go out on a Sunday somewhere and a lot of the time my mum and dad would meet us or go with us. They joined us on holiday for a day each year etc etc. So super close family unit, and my Dad was like a second Dad to both my boys, a friend to my husband and the best dad in the world. Like your Dad, my Dad was always helping others. He could fix and mend anything and make anything, he could do any jobs in the house (joiner by trade) and any work on cars or motorbikes (he went on to do body work on cars and had his own very successful garage), so he spent his life helping everyone. Literally every job in my house my Dad did or helped with. He was such a clever man. He had lots of hobbies too and so many friends and it just feels like such a waste that now he’s gone. He’s left so many people behind who miss him terribly. My mum has no life without him. Not a life she wants. My boys miss him, they’re bored without him and they can’t understand why he’s not here. It eats away at me that my Dad won’t see my boys start high school or get married. Why didn’t he have another 10-15 years?
It was September, my birthday was Weds 22nd and the next night I got a call from my mum to say I needed to get over there as she had paramedics there. I couldn’t believe it. Without even thinking, I just got ready as quickly as I could and I was on my way to my mum and dad’s house (5-10 mins away). He’d had a heart attack, from absolutely nowhere. We don’t know why or how. He was fine that morning and fine all that day too. He had a bit of pain in that evening and he thought it was indigestion until later when he keeled over. He went into hospital that night and he was stable and we were given hope that he’d be ok. He was breathing through a tube. The next day, me and my mum and sister were at the hospital with my Dad all day sat around the bed until 3.19pm when he passed. We were all hysterical, just couldn’t believe it had happened and Taft he’d gone in front of us. It was like something out of a nightmare or horror story, holding his hands and crying and begging him not to go. It’s like the longest baddest dream ever and I still feel like I’m waiting to wake up. I can’t get used to it without him and I feel like I can’t do anything to help my mum. I have her here most days for tea, we still do loads with her, my oldest son sleeps there but she’s so so fragile and unhappy and it’s visible all the time how much she misses him and I just try to be strong for her and my boys. It’s just so hard.
Like you have said, everything too feels like such a mess.
I don’t want to have counselling, not yet anyway, but I have said a few times on here that I wish there was some kind of support group local I could go to where I could speak to and meet people like me in a similar situation , like all of us on here but I have looked and there is nothing. You’re not in West Yorkshire by any chance, are you?

@Ttc42nearly43

How is your mother in law’s partner today? xx

I know how you all feel. I lost my 80 year old mum towards the end of last year. She had been ill for a while and whilst she was a “reasonable” age I am struggling to come to terms with her loss, particularly as we were so close and she was fit and well up to her illness. I still thought I would have her for longer than I did.

Hi Lucy I got an update last night it doesn't sound good he's not eating and the drs have said that he will unlikely get home obviously he's devastated am not sure the Dr should have said that actually do u not think that a person is more likely to give up hope if they think that there is no point in fighting anymore x

@Susie92

Hi Suzie am sorry to hear about your mum passing I think it doesn't matter what age they are the grief is still the same. Do you want to tell us a bit about your mum sometimes it helps to share x

@Ttc42nearly43

We were very close, more like best friends than mother and daughter (which I know not everyone thinks is a good thing). I am single and an only child and we did such a lot together. Up until her illness she was perfectly fit and healthy. I know that as she got older she would have slowed down more and probably developed the usual age related problems, but her dad lived until his late eighties and I hoped she would too.

@Susie92

I understand I could tell my mum anything too she was someone I could confide in as was I to her. I feel that no one will ever love me like my mum loved me do you feel this way too. My husband said not long ago that my mum was my "yes man" in other words she always took my side this was true although I definitely wouldn't discribe my mum as a yes man but it was so nice for someone to have your back completely 100% being there for you no matter what and without judgement. I never really appreciated how important that was until I lost my mum. You wonder how you will manage to live the rest of your life without that one person that brought you into this world. I think about that all of the time. My mum brought me and my sister up, my dad was there but he worked a lot sometimes away for weeks at a time or was in the pub. Mum was my constant throughout my whole life weren't we the lucky ones I think to have this. I never realised quite how dependant I was on my mum until she was gone. It's horrible isn't it to not know the value of someone fully until it's too late. Don't get me wrong we were close very close and I loved (still love) my mum with my heart and sole I just wish I told her more often how much she meant to me. Do you have anything like that any feelings of guilt or regret it a horrible emotion x

@Ttc42nearly43

Hi,

So sorry about your Mother in law’s partner. To be honest, I’ve sort of lost hope in a lot of doctor’s. The night my Dad went into hospital, they gave us false hope and even sent my mum home. Then the next day, they seemed very quick to want to remove the tube that was helping my Dad to breathe, saying that Dad was trying to die and that there was nothing else they could do. I still feel it now, like they were quick to pull the plug if that makes sense. I am sure they wouldn’t have lied and said there was nothing more they could do if there had of been but it all seemed very quick. So no, I don’t think doctors should have said anything like that to your mother in law’s partner. Of course you would just give up if you felt there was no hope.
How is your Dad? And how are you this week? X