For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@LucyintheSky21

I know what u mean u wonder don't you if more could have been done. I was told the same about my mum when they withdrew treatment I was told by a rather heartless Dr the "there was only so much that medicine can do". They weren't all like that some drs were nicer than others but dialysis could have saved my mum however due to her weight they wouldn't give her it they said she wouldn't survive the process but then she didn't survive anyway I felt so frustrated that they wouldn't even try. I met with several drs even asked for a 2nd opinion. I offered my own kidney but they say no to everything as they said mum wouldn't survive surgery. I get how you feel tho u just think 'what if' they did try more. I know they are the experts but I know my mum like your dad would have wanted every possible intervention. I tried my bloody hardest to get my mum every possible treatment but I felt that I was just banging my head against a brick wall. Mum's ordeal in hospital lasted 11 days. From her first admission day where she was awake and talking to day 3 where I managed to talk my way onto the ward to see her and we talked and I helped her eat a little and drink some fluids to the final days where my mum just slowly slipped deeper and deeper into unconsciousness. It was truly heartbreaking to watch. Everyday I thought maybe today was the day that she would come out if it but when she was handed over to the palliative care team in the hospital I knew that was the end. I was there along with my dad and sister for a whole week 24/7 by her side and I felt that I was fighting for her life right alongside her but I was all for nothing as we lost her anyway.

The drs they have to be honest with you but u don't want to hear it because it is the worse possible news. Am sure if there was something else they could have done for your dad then they would have.

I think I told you before about my friends dad who died a year and a half ago. He was physically fit and only 74 no health concerns and similar to your dad he collapsed with a heart attack and he died before he even got to hospital. Sudden death is very difficult to cope with I consider my mum a sudden death as even through it was 11 days from hospital admission it was so totally unexpected.

I have came across so many people who have lost their parents I never realised just how many of us there are out there hurting just as much as the next person x

@Ttc42nearly43

I’m not sure if you did tell me about your friend actually, if you did I’m sorry for not remembering. Your friend’s Dad was the same age as mine and same circumstances. Maybe I am naive or foolish, but I honestly never thought that could happen.. that you can be fine one minute and the next drop down dead. My Dad was fine all that Thursday, out riding his bike with his friends like he did every week (and I’m taking motorbike, not push bike) and that night keeled over in the lounge with my poor mum. It is so truly hard for me to accept what’s happened because of how unexpected it was. He has plans, arrangements for that week, for days after… And your mum, of course that was sudden and unexpected too. Just 11 days from hospital admission is the same. You never think it’ll be your mum or dad. I remember even the night Dad was rushed in, all night I prayed and cried into my pillow, I never slept (and am not religious) but in the back of my mind I really thought ‘he’s my Dad, he’s strong, he’ll be absolutely fine’. The hospital staff, I feel a bit like you. The nurses were kind who were looking after Dad, but the consultant was heartless. It was like he was reading from a textbook when he told us ‘Dad was trying to die’. I’ll never forget those words, and between you and me I will never really know if they did all they could. I worry that with Dad being on intensive care unit and covid being rife in hospitals etc, did they want to free up another bed. Do I sound crazy?
How is your friend coping who lost his/her Dad in a similar way to mine?
How is your Dad doing? My mum is a total shadow of who she used to be, it’s so hard to see. Is your Dad like my mum? I feel like she will never properly live again if that makes sense. I just hate this life without our mum’s and Dad’s. I know one always or usually does go first but I never imagined losing my Dad this soon in my life at just turned 40. I just want to go bring him back. I might go to the cemetery this week at some point but I can’t say that it really brings me any comfort because I look down and I know he’s there when he should be here.
What you were saying how you asked if you could give a kidney, and how you we’re all there in the hospital like we were. We weren’t there for a week as it was much quicker but I know exactly how you felt. When they came round they hospital bed to remove the tube and ‘let Dad die’ we were hysterical begging them to do more. We were just told like you that they couldn’t xx

[quote LucyintheSky21]@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Oh my goodness, yes, so many similarities in our stories and our situations! Can I ask, what happened to your Dad? I will tell you about what happened to my Dad if you like. 74 feels like a life stolen to me. It’s still so young. And my Dad, he was young in himself. There’s me and my older sister but (and you might have missed this on the thread) but my sister hasn’t been any support to my mum. She lives two hours away, but still not timbucktoo, but she’s not supported any of us. So I am like you, I am having to be the one to prop up my mum and help her and support her, while I’m struggling to cope myself without Dad, and I also have two young kids. I have a feeling that our children are also the same or similar ages, how old are yours? My oldest boy is 10 and youngest is 7 but 8 in June.

Me, my husband and my two boys were like in a bubble with my mum and dad. All through lockdowns and covid, we stuck together and only saw each other. We have always been really really close all 6 of us. Every weekend we spent together with my mum and dad, takeaways every Saturday night and days out every weekend. We’d always go out on a Sunday somewhere and a lot of the time my mum and dad would meet us or go with us. They joined us on holiday for a day each year etc etc. So super close family unit, and my Dad was like a second Dad to both my boys, a friend to my husband and the best dad in the world. Like your Dad, my Dad was always helping others. He could fix and mend anything and make anything, he could do any jobs in the house (joiner by trade) and any work on cars or motorbikes (he went on to do body work on cars and had his own very successful garage), so he spent his life helping everyone. Literally every job in my house my Dad did or helped with. He was such a clever man. He had lots of hobbies too and so many friends and it just feels like such a waste that now he’s gone. He’s left so many people behind who miss him terribly. My mum has no life without him. Not a life she wants. My boys miss him, they’re bored without him and they can’t understand why he’s not here. It eats away at me that my Dad won’t see my boys start high school or get married. Why didn’t he have another 10-15 years?
It was September, my birthday was Weds 22nd and the next night I got a call from my mum to say I needed to get over there as she had paramedics there. I couldn’t believe it. Without even thinking, I just got ready as quickly as I could and I was on my way to my mum and dad’s house (5-10 mins away). He’d had a heart attack, from absolutely nowhere. We don’t know why or how. He was fine that morning and fine all that day too. He had a bit of pain in that evening and he thought it was indigestion until later when he keeled over. He went into hospital that night and he was stable and we were given hope that he’d be ok. He was breathing through a tube. The next day, me and my mum and sister were at the hospital with my Dad all day sat around the bed until 3.19pm when he passed. We were all hysterical, just couldn’t believe it had happened and Taft he’d gone in front of us. It was like something out of a nightmare or horror story, holding his hands and crying and begging him not to go. It’s like the longest baddest dream ever and I still feel like I’m waiting to wake up. I can’t get used to it without him and I feel like I can’t do anything to help my mum. I have her here most days for tea, we still do loads with her, my oldest son sleeps there but she’s so so fragile and unhappy and it’s visible all the time how much she misses him and I just try to be strong for her and my boys. It’s just so hard.
Like you have said, everything too feels like such a mess.
I don’t want to have counselling, not yet anyway, but I have said a few times on here that I wish there was some kind of support group local I could go to where I could speak to and meet people like me in a similar situation , like all of us on here but I have looked and there is nothing. You’re not in West Yorkshire by any chance, are you?[/quote]
Yet more similarities! My dad was diagnosed with curable cancer and then a selfish relative went and stayed with him without telling him he was unwell. Lo and behold Dad caught Covid and spent two months fighting it in hospital only to be told that his cancer had spread far beyond being cured. I sent my dad in an ambulance with Covid and the next time I saw him without an oxygen mask was when he died. He suffered so much and it’s just so unfair. We didn’t see him for most of 2020 because we didn’t want to risk his health, what a waste of time we could have spent with him.
I also have a sibling who although lives as close (within ten minutes) of our parents as I do, has a very separate life that doesn’t include her family.

You were like me so so lucky to have had these wonderful times with your parents, holidays and all the family times. I know it makes the loss harder too.
Your poor mum sounds so much like mine, just utterly broken. So much sadness by the loss of one person ☹️

I tried therapy but I struggled to stick to it, life is too busy. I’m in London but would love to chat.

@Susie92

I know how you all feel. I lost my 80 year old mum towards the end of last year. She had been ill for a while and whilst she was a “reasonable” age I am struggling to come to terms with her loss, particularly as we were so close and she was fit and well up to her illness. I still thought I would have her for longer than I did.

Sorry for your loss. It’s so sad how their passing robs our futures. Would you like to tell us about her?

Apologies @Susie92 I should have read further.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

So sorry to hear your story. It really does get harder and harder, doesn’t it? The number of people who I just want to slap for saying things like, ‘it gets easier’. I really don’t think it does. I know my Mum will never be happy again. How can she be? 47 years of marriage and gone just like that, in the most unexpected way. I feel so sorry for all of us, but I feel so much worse for my mum and I’m so used to seeing them together that I just can’t get used to seeing mum on her own. It’s just not meant to be like this. I know my mum is doing her best, she comes for her tea and she has my oldest son sleep over, she will come out for a walk on a weekend with us, but she’s just filling empty time, or passing the time.
My days go on and I do the things I did before, take the kids to school, take the kids to their swimming lessons etc but all the time I’m thinking about my Dad and feeling tremendous guilt that he’s not part of any of the things that are going on. He was just so central to our family that we’re all struggling to carry on without him. Like you say, we were so so lucky for the times we had with our Dad’s but it does make it so much harder. Sometimes I do wonder if it would be easier if we hadn’t been close to my Dad.
I’m in Leeds and would also love to chat. And to you as well @Ttc42nearly43 if you would like to. Such a shame we can’t organise something where we could all go and have a cup of tea/coffee and talk about our mum’s and Dad’s. I wish I knew more people in real life who were going through the same. xx

It's coming up to my mams second anniversary and I'm missing her a lot today. Its hard.

Can I join please?

I lost my dad 10 months ago, he and my mum were together 57 years. She's bereft, so am I - but it's so much harder for her, she's on her own for the first time in her life. I'm her only support, we're not a big family and she doesn't lean on friends much. We both live alone (not near to each other), but I'm used to it - enjoy it, mostly - after so many years - but now I feel I'm her sole support, but there is no-one to support me. I've made sure I'm there for her every time she's needed it, she's my mum and I love her - but sometimes (today) I feel so drained and like I have nothing left to give. If my tone of voice on the phone so much as hints I don't want to talk, she cries. And then I feel bad because I've upset her.

I miss my dad so much, I was made redundant from my job a couple of months ago and so desperately wanted to talk to him as I knew he'd have understood how I felt. I'm still here any day my mum needs me. Tonight I just feel like I can't keep doing this on my own.

Hi rain I'm new to this thread too. My mam passed away nearly two years ago and I'm still Shell shocked and heartbroken. I'm my dad's main support aswell he's devastated and still visits the grave multiple times a day. It's hard trying to grieve and support your remaining parent. I hate the phrase I understand how you feel as grief is such a solitary journey but I know what it is to be overwhelmed, lost, guilty and emotionally drained.

@RainRainRainAgain

Of course you can join! I’d say welcome, but it’s not a place any of us want to be in, and I for one never thought I’d be joining a thread like this. I’m so sorry about your Dad. Ten months is no time at all. I lost my dear Dad five months ago, and my mum and Dad were married 47 years and were each other’s lives. I could have written your thread. I am mum’s sole support. In fact this evening after tea I went upstairs to sit on my bed and I just burst into tears. I miss my Dad so much, I wish I could see him and hear his voice. I have a husband and two boys (7 and 10) but I feel so alone with my grief sometimes. I have to be strong like you for my mum, but no one is there for me to lean on who really understands. I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and I understand what you’re going through. I hope the thread helps you. And if you feel it would help you or you’d like to, feel free to message me.

@glittereyelash @LucyintheSky21 thank you so much for your messages, and I'm so sorry for your losses.

For some reason today just tipped me over the edge, although mum didn't deserve it. My poor mum is struggling so much, but she's also angry - with everyone, the neighbour who parks outside her house, the neighbour who shouts, the woman in the queue at Tesco who snapped at her, the family member who calls but at the wrong time of day or doesn't say the things she wants to hear. And I listen to her every time she wants a rant or just to talk about what's for tea, every day or even 3 times a day, if needs be. I try so hard to make sure I don't sound fed up when she calls because I know she's finding it hard on her own, I just failed this afternoon. I feel so bad about that, but at the same time I know I need to put myself first from time to time, without feeling like thats wrong.

Sometimes I just want to scream WHAT ABOUT ME, and for someone to understand.

Hi everyone. I posted during the initial shock and awfulness of my dad- who was my closest person- in early November from covid. It has now been four months since, where I have literally ignored and avoided the fact that he died. Still, in my head, he’s just up an hour away, and I’ll see him soon.

This has been compounded by family issues that have almost taken the issue that he is, in fact, dead, away. But I know that the issues are merely a cover - at least for me- of repressed anger, shock and deep, deep sadness.

I have pushed dads death away for all these months with a new job starting, with these inflated issues, but I have to go up to the house tomorrow, and also/ for me, as I am slowly descending into a bit of a black hole, whether I want to acknowledge that or not. I have today reached out to a counsellor that I know, but am terrified of where it will go and what trauma and emotions it will unleash that I won’t be able to control. Which then means the impact on being able to deliver my job, and all sorts. Which again I know should be about being ok and trying to find resilience to deal with it,

I remember, just after covid hit, before regulations back in 2020, that my husband told me how worried he was that I’d be able to cope, given the relationship I have (had) with my dad. And all I’ve done is push it away and pretended it’s simply not there.

I suppose I don’t know, really, what I’m asking, but I know how unhealthy my avoidance and denial is. And that I’m petrified of dealing with it and acknowledging it and simply don’t know how to do it. As I’ve said, I’ve reached out to my counsellor, but going up to the house, and physically acknowledging that he’s not there, and that he’s actually DEAD (sorry for the caps) if making me now have a bit of a panic attack, and makes me wonder how on earth I can address and process it after so long avoiding the reality of the situation. I just think that if I start crying and grieving, I won’t be able to stop.

Sorry- that sounded incredibly self centred. It’s also awful because my mum- who was with dad for over 53 years- is desperately in need of support and kindness and empathy, but I have been so disengaged with her pain and grieving because I’ve avoided it head on.

@basilstrawberry I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I don't have an answer, but I would say that my grief hits me when I am least expecting it. Because I don't live near my parents (well, my mum now) the sense of loss wasn't immediate as I didn't see him every day or every week, so there wasn't a sudden gap in my life. It's sudden things that happen that make me remember he's not here, that I can't talk to him about it. That's still happening.

Not sure what I'm trying to say, I think it's don't worry that you haven't fully acknowledged your dad's death yet - but don't worry about opening up your grief either. There's no rules and no deadline. You say about not being able to do your job - if you have an understanding employer/line manager, talk to them. My boss and colleagues were actually the most supportive people I had to help me - leaving my job has left a huge void - it takes a lot of courage to say 'I'm not coping too well', but its a huge weight off your shoulders once you've taken that step.

I feel so relieved for posting tonight, I'm not the only one struggling with providing support but also needing support - it helps to know we're not alone.

@basilstrawberry - it’s 5 months yesterday since I lost my Dad. I had to respond because reading the first part of your post…’still I my head he’s just a hour away’, that’s me. That’s what I worry about. I know it’s happened, I was there, but in my head and my mind I pretend he’s somewhere else and I feel like he’s at home with my mum and that I will see him again soon. I can’t let myself think that, no he has gone and the finality of it. I just can’t. I feel your pain. I too have had a really low day with it. I think denial and refusal to think too deeply about it is the only way of coping day to day, for me anyway x

Thank you. It’s absolutely about the grief and sense of loss not being immediate, and coming instead where it’s a “I must ring Dad!” Or “ I must talk to dad about that”; so even though it’s an avoidance in the physical sense, it’s an encroaching where is he to talk to.

And then, as you say, having to provide such a degree of support, but the difficulties in knowing that you can’t burden another with yours. Or that you can, but it’s perhaps too much. Thank you x

@LucyintheSky21 god - that is exactly it. But I know it’s not sustainable and it’s bloody awful. I’m just pretending that he’s in the next room/ physically/ and I suspect even when I go up tomorrow, I’ll just think he’s popped out. It’s just too devastating to even think about, but I know I need to. Frankly, if I could just pretend that’s he is just “over there, up an hour away ” for the rest of my days, my world would be ok.

@RainRainRainAgain - You are certainly not alone xx

@basilstrawberry I found it hard to face up to my mams death aswell with and covid restrictions it was easy to pretend that I just hadn't seen her in a while. She had just turned 60 and my little boy was only one when she died. Little by little I'm accepting the changes to my life much as I hate it.

@basilstrawberry - Honestly, do you know what. If that’s what eases the pain and gets us through, then so be it. I think too many people say (or books say) you have to accept or you have to do this that or the other. My way of getting through each day since I lost my Dad is to keep busy each day and in my mind I just think Dad’s at home with mum, or when I go round that he’s out with his friends or he’s walked up to the shop. I sometimes feel like we’re biding time and that someone soon will say, enough’s enough… your Dad is coming back now. It’s all been a big test to see how you coped. I worry myself sometimes that by thinking this way that I’m not dealing with it. But does it matter? Not really. If I stand still for too long and really think hard about what’s happened and start to think that I might not see my Dad again, it would be too much for me to bare. We all have our ways of coping and if denial is the way, it will do for me right now.
I have only cried twice this week but tonight around 7pm I took myself upstairs away from my husband and my youngest son (my oldest is staying at mum’s tonight) and I just couldn’t stop the tears. It’s important to let it out. I spend so much of my time carrying my mum and doing things for her, being strong around her to make sure she’s ok that I don’t feel I take care of me.
What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think you do need to face reality. You don’t plan how to grieve, you just feel how you feel. For me, I’m still in absolute shock and denial. I can’t help that. I can’t believe my Dad is gone, but by thinking he’s just out or somewhere else when I’m at mum and dad’s house, that stops the feeling of absolute devastation for me.

@glittereyelash

So sorry about your mum. Shell-shocked and heartbroken is how I feel too. 5 months ago yesterday I lost my amazing Dad, and he was fit healthy and well. It was totally unexpected and sudden and the biggest shock I’ve ever had in my life. I’m still in as much shock as the day after it happened. I go over it in my head every day. And in my mind it’s still not really happened.
I too hate the changes. You don’t realise how much your life will change without that person and the changes are so hard to accept.

@LucyintheSky21 im so sorry for the loss of your dad the first year is so hard like living in a nightmare where you replay everything in your head and question everything while trying to be a normal functioning human. My mam had some health issues throughout my life but it was still so expected and none of it was anything like I expected. Her illness, death and the aftermath was so different to anything I had anticipated.

My dad had terminal cancer, we knew it was coming - but something a colleague said to me just after he died. "Nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a parent", and she was right. It doesn't matter if it's sudden or expected, the emptiness is the same. It was in many ways the kindest most meaningful message I received back then, it told me whatever I felt, and whenever I felt it, was OK.

@RainRainRainAgain

Can I join please?

I lost my dad 10 months ago, he and my mum were together 57 years. She's bereft, so am I - but it's so much harder for her, she's on her own for the first time in her life. I'm her only support, we're not a big family and she doesn't lean on friends much. We both live alone (not near to each other), but I'm used to it - enjoy it, mostly - after so many years - but now I feel I'm her sole support, but there is no-one to support me. I've made sure I'm there for her every time she's needed it, she's my mum and I love her - but sometimes (today) I feel so drained and like I have nothing left to give. If my tone of voice on the phone so much as hints I don't want to talk, she cries. And then I feel bad because I've upset her.

I miss my dad so much, I was made redundant from my job a couple of months ago and so desperately wanted to talk to him as I knew he'd have understood how I felt. I'm still here any day my mum needs me. Tonight I just feel like I can't keep doing this on my own.

Welcome to the saddest but kindest thread. Sorry for your loss. It’s so sad when you desperately want to speak to them. I know what you mean about your mum, my mum is like that too, so alone and I’m her only support. Don’t feel bad for snapping, it’s so difficult. Try and be kind to yourself. I’m 11 months after loosing dad and still feel so lost having to cope with mum alone.