For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

Sending everyone lots of love and courage and strength as we edge closer to the "big day"

We'll raise a glass to mum on Saturday and no doubt shed a tear. But we'll try to make the best of it. She isn't physically here but her beautiful spirit lives on.

Yes @Crunchymum we will do the same. I’m not actually dreading Christmas day itself - I feel that the big days like Christmas you prepare yourself for. It’s the day to day that’s hard.

My mum loved Christmas and loved spoiling my children. She used to put together a massive gift bag full of goodies for them…you knows those gigantic ones. Sometimes even 2. She just adored them. So I will make it a special day for my kids.

@Ttc42nearly43 that’s really difficult. I’m so sorry you’ve got such a difficult situation to deal with on top of your grief 😞

I don’t know that you can do anything more tbh. But speaking to him when he is sober might be a good starting point? He is grieving but it’s ok for you to be honest with him I feel. You can do it in a supportive way.

[quote Lucillesbigsister]@Ttc42nearly43 that’s really difficult. I’m so sorry you’ve got such a difficult situation to deal with on top of your grief 😞

I don’t know that you can do anything more tbh. But speaking to him when he is sober might be a good starting point? He is grieving but it’s ok for you to be honest with him I feel. You can do it in a supportive way.[/quote]
Thank you for your reply. My dad is a bit more stable today he's trying to come off the drink. I've called his GP who will change some of his medication he's on antidepressants do they will swap the antidepressant and put him on one which is meant to help him sleep too. I'd be quite surprised if he doesn't relapse again soon I think he's hanging on by a thread. I can't stop him I know that but I try my best to keep a close eye on him xx

Hello all, just wanted to wish you all well as it gets so close to the day that some of you will be dreading. The first of anything is upsetting, of course it is, but you will surprise yourself how strong you can be.
As someone earlier mentioned, the thing that I personally found worse was having to say " I lost my mum last year " that just about broke my heart. But time and being lucky to have a biggish family has helped all of us. My mum is always in my heart.
I wish you all peace and healing. 💐

So sorry ladies I am barely keeping up but I feel that you know usually i really try to be there for you all I just aren't coping , with my new baby arriving it has really brought another Level of grief and pain. Just wondering honestly how often any of you physically cry yourselves to sleep ? I'm sleeping alone as my husband in spare room (he can't sleep in the room with baby says she's too noisy) so because I don't have to worry about him I find I'm doing it more and more and it's just heart wrenching and exhausting but not like I can stop it I wish I could stop the tears coming

@mrssunshinexxx

I have stopped crying myself to sleep but I used to do that a lot. Try not worry too much about it your are letting you your pain out it's not good to keep it inside so please just let yourself cry when you need to. If you find that this is at bedtime when you are in your bed that's ok. Your body clearly needs to grief and sometimes the only way to release that heartache is too sob your heart out. It's normal and it's ok to be doing what your doing. Maybe just keep a wee eye on yourself tho as like you said you have just had a wee be baby and emotions will be flying around all over the place. Try not get too low before you reach out for help. If you feel concerned then call your GP and let them know what's happening. Maybe let your husband know too just so that he can be watching over you too because you need this. Sending you hugs at this time x

I haven't actually cried myself to sleep, but a few times when I've gone to bed I've started crying, I've got up and gone downstairs and just sobbed on the sofa. It is better to let it out. Dad's doctor came to see us a week after he went, she told us to let ourselves feel the emotions, that it can take up to 6 months for the initial raw overwhelming grief to subside and up to 2 years for you to feel like your living something resembling a normal life again. I still have an aching sadness inside, and I worry constantly about my mum now, and still have times where I just cry and cry. It's a tough and horrible journey we are all on, and this time of year makes it harder. Seeing happy jolly people with their whole families feels like salt being rubbed in a massive wound. Love and hugs to everbody, arms around you all.

Thanks both @Testarossa44 @Ttc42nearly43 I just feel really alone . I've seen today my dads new woman advertising some of my mums stuff on a Facebook selling page and it's given me the fucking rage / sadness/ every emotion and confusion that they think that's appropriate

All of you today are in my thoughts 💐

Thinking of everyone.

Same here thinking of everyone too. It's odd you know you say merry Christmas to people but it's like a hollow sentiment. My Christmas plans are totally out the window. I was a close contact yesterday with someone who tested positive for Covid. I slept on the sofa bed last night so I wasn't near my husband and had my mask on all day when the kids were opening their presents. My husband and the kids are away to his sister's for their Christmas dinner. I should be there but instead I plan on opening a bottle of prosecco not to celebrate but to numb some of this emptiness am feeling today. Am sure you guys can all relate. In a way am glad about the close contact thus means that I can hide and not need to try and be happy and cheery pretending that everything is ok when my mum has died and everything is bloody not ok and I miss her so much am currently at the cemetery just about to go and lay a Christmas wreath down on mum's grave it's just so sad xx

Sharing this with you all this Christmas some of you may have seen this already:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=yw95R0Vl4_c&feature=youtu.be

I hope everyone managed to get through yesterday, in whatever guise Christmas took for you this year.

We (me, DP and 3 young children) went to my sisters (along with her kids, my dad and brother and his family) and God did my lovely sister channel our Christmas-crazy mum. She'd gone all out... the tables looked amazing, the house was decorated so festively. There was a tonne of food and drink and loads of silly party games (hum that tune / adult v kids quizzes etc). The kids were so good - It was loud, mad and chaotic. Not a single tear shed [I think we'd all had a little cry separately, earlier in the day]

Mum would have loved it and she would have been so happy to see us celebrating Christmas as she taught us to - for mum Christmas was always about family, fun, food and foolery. She was the silliest of the lot of us.

I feel a bit flat today. Her absence seems more noticeable because we've just had our first "perfect" family day without her. That hurts but it's also positive progress too.... the day she died I sat with my family and thought I'd never see any of them smile again. We've all come so far.

I'm incredibly proud of my dad, he and mum had been together the best part of 50 years and he is coping with his loss and grief so well. Yesterday was all about smiles and laughter and love.

It gave me hope.

God I'm really struggling
Keep thinking about my dad and his new woman in mums house . She had 40 Christmas' in that house and now all her things have gone and k saw this woman advertising some of mums things on a sale/swap type page. How on earth can she think that is appropriate

That’s awful @mrssunshinexxx 😞 you must be devastated. Are there any items that you would like?

We gave a lot of mums belongings to charity shops. She loved charity shops so it felt right.

We had a lovely Xmas. I have two kids who made it so special. I thought about mum in the morning and spoke to her, then got on with my day. But I have to admit when I watched Kate Middleton and Tom Walker I wanted to sob - but my in laws were with me and I felt I couldn’t let go. When I have some time alone I will watch it again.

I struggle to cry at the moment. 6 months ago when she first died I cried a lot. Now it’s like I can’t. I think I need a release.

@Crunchymum sounds like a perfect day. My mum loved Christmas. She loved giving us all lovely gifts and loved coming for dinner and the whole Christmas Day experience. It made her so happy. So I wanted to continue with that.

We went to the cemetery on Xmas eve and when we left my eldest, who is 11, was breaking her wee heart 😞 I didn’t expect it, yes usually my youngest who is emotional about her granny

@Lucillesbigsister I honestly don't know because I haven't had the chance to go and look. She had a dresser full of stuff when she first died k found pink confetti in a cup from my gender reveal from the grandchild she never got go meet my dad will of just binned that without a thought. Mum kept it because it was special to her. God I wish I could stop crying 19 months and there honestly hasn't been one day I haven't it is the most exhausting emotion I've ever experienced

That's bloody hard watching your dad just about sweep your mum and her 'treasures' out of existence. Not sure what the answer is, unless you can go and find some way of talking to him in private about how it's affecting you. Christmas Day wasn't as bad as I expected, I just felt a bit flat all day, and did have a cry in the afternoon. I think the run up was actually worse. We're going up to mum's on news year eve for a couple of days, going to be so strange not clinking glasses with dad.

@mrssunshinexxx

Everytime I think your dad and this new woman cannot sink any lower, something else happens.

It's actually made me cry myself when you say about the gender reveal confetti. I know the actual confetti is gone but maybe you can incorporate it into some kind of tribute to your mum?

It's the kind if thing my mum would have kept and my dad wouldn't have understood why. But my dad isn't being a disrespectful and insensitive arsehole in general. It's not just about the confetti, it's about the way he / they are treating you and your grief.

I know you are NC, maybe you need to consider blocking them on SM (I am not sure how you are seeing the FB stuff??)

I think having a baby so close to losing your mum and then your dad's behaviour has just compounded your almighty loss. I know I've asked before but have you had any counselling? Maybe now you could look at something to help you work through all the stuff with your dad. You have done so well in coping with it, but it's a hell of a lot to cope with.

I hope it brings a shred of comfort but your relationship with your mum sounds so beautiful. You will be able to recreate that love with your little DD's. ❤

Thank you @Crunchymum I'm glad you understand I do feel so understood on here. I hope you would tell me if you thought I was acting like a brat or out of order I feel like I'm living on another planet as my sisters are fine with him moving on or atleast Pretend to be, found out one of them bought a voucher for a meal for them for Xmas and it just blows my mind encouraging romantic meals , my mum should be here. My sister never did thoughtful things like that for mum and dad I just feel angry at the world and those that are meant to be closest to me. I do have my dad blocked it's the first time I've seen her on SM so now she's blocked too. I'm laying her feeding by baby and I just torture myself thinking of her laying in my mums bed making meals in my mums kitchen but the fact is none of it's my mums anymore and her and my dad have done a good job of removing all trace.
That made me emotional, thank you we had the closest of relationships and I truly appreciated every inch of her and told her often. I have no regrets of our relationship and I should take great comfort from that but it doesn't seem enough right now.
I acknowledge I will definitely need counselling in the future but with 2 babies and a husband who works away I just can't get in that headspace right now x

Just popping on to wish everyone a peaceful New Year.

I have always found the "turning" of the year emotional and the first year after losing mum was particularly hard. I didn't want to enter a year my mum hadn't been alive in.

Now I am entering a second year she never got to see, it is still so hard. I bend with the sad feelings it brings but I do not break.

Sending you all strength and good wishes.

@Crunchymum that is exactly how I'm feeling today. I don't want to say my mum died 'last year'. I just don't...

Anyway, sorry I haven't been around. I hope you've all made it through Christmas as best you can.

Ironically I didn't find Christmas too bad. The run up to Christmas was worse for me. And apparently new year is harder, which has taken me a bit by surprise.

Thinking of you all xx

I’ve not posted for a while but just wanted to say thank you to everyone on here who has been so supportive at one of the hardest times of my life. I’ve made it through Christmas ok, but am dreading the turn of the year - like most of us I guess. Thinking of you all.

I lost my mom in April 2020. Christmas last year.didmt really.geel the loss - too numb/still in shock/still in denial. This Christmas is a b@stard - finally trying to get my head around the fact that the last time I saw her is slipping into history and she's not coming back. Ever.