For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Allycott also lost my mum April 2020 feels like I'm leaving her behind and I don't want to

Hi all just checking in with everyone I feel a bit emotional today probably the hangover it's a bad one and probably the fact that 2021 is now gone. My mum passed away in March 2021 do now last year. I made phone calls last night after the bells and only one person's name was missing from my call list which is my mum and she would have been the first person I called. I feel so low. I feel like am standing on the edge of a cliff with a huge gaping hole that I could easily drop into this is was 2022 feels like for me another long road to travel down and I have no idea where it is going to take me but I need my mum next to me. I know that my mum is gone but sometimes it still feels unreal it's like I say to myself in my head that my mum is gone now forever but I don't really take it all in. This is my life now with no mum anymore and it sucks

I found last night emotional, more so than Christmas, felt like I was leaving Dad behind somehow. I did shed some tears, and had a whiskey at midnight for dad. We're at mum and dad's, so him missing was so much more acute. It's fallen to me to cook lunch for us, was always my dad's thing cooking

@Testarossa44

Your dad would be so proud of you keeping his traditions going and taking care of your mum at the same time xx

get my head around the fact that the last time I saw her is slipping into history and she's not coming back. Ever.

So much this. I have quite a lot of video of Mum but don't want to watch it because it's just a recording, I want my memories to be of seeing her not seeing a recording of her IYSWIM.

I try not to let news/politics get to me, life is too short to be angry or stressed as that rarely achieves anything constructive. But even I take a very dim view of all the revelations about parties etc during lockdown. I am sure they were working hard and very stressed and so on (I have a friend who did some pandemic-related work & it was a nightmare). And I didn't have as close a relationship with my Dad as some of you. But those last few months, particularly the last couple of weeks, where it became more and more likely he was dying and travel and visits were not allowed... Yeah I take a very, very dim view.

I always feel every word of your posts @Ttc42nearly43 this is so hard when they were so much more than a mum and even that is the most special title and bond for most our mums were our best friends too

@mrssunshinexxx

Thank you for your reply. Am back to work now just expected to get back to "normal". I miss my conversations with my mum the regular contact. I know she'd be on the phone asking me how u got on with the school drop off. I keep thinking that I want to call her and I keep thinking about her being so cold buried in the cemetery it's such a disturbing thought but one which pops into my head regularly.
Everyone seems really quiet on this thread these days xx

It has been quiet on here. I found new year much harder than I expected. I'm back at work and beginning to feel a bit 'better' if that makes any sense? It's not all quite so overwhelming now. Though I'm glad all the festivities are all over, things feel quieter and calmer now. Xx

@Testarossa44

You do find in time that you cope a bit better it doesn't mean that you miss them any less or that your grief has gone away. My husband said to me the other night that he thought that I had "got over it" this was due to me coping better than before. I hate when he says that. What does he mean by "it" who is it is it my mum that is an it or the actual event that is it. Honestly I makes my blood boil but I let it pass this time simply because he has said it before and I can't be bothered arguing with him about it. We are going through couples counseling so am trying to let go of some of the resentment as suggested by our counsellor it not easy but am trying.

Hope everyone else is getting on ok? I found new year harder than Christmas actually. It's a new year but it means nothing to me really. No new years resolutions just keep pushing on trying to enjoy my kids as long as they aren't bickering which happens a lot and trying to mend my marriage. Wish there was a better outlook for 2022.

That was a bit of a crass thing he said. My other half has said stuff that has irritated me, but I mostly let it go as he's been supportive when I've needed it. The feelings and emotions haven't gone away at all, it's just not as exhausting as it was, I'm managing on a day to day basis, but something will just catch me and they well up and the tears come. We will never 'get over it' the grief and strong emotions just get easier to carry, I miss my dad all the time and always will.

I noticed it is quiet too but I know it's been a very emotionally difficult time for everyone and then you are thrown right back in the deep end of "normality"

I actually worked between Christmas and NY (from home but kids went to inlaws etc) so that gave me a bit of distraction and a break from the festivities. I have a 9yo an almost 7yo and an almost 4yo. Christmas is madness.

In terms of mum and my grief, it's been weird this festive period. For the most part I didn't have time to dwell and if I did feel myself heading that way I'd make an effort to shake it off.

I spent Christmas 2020 (3 months after she died) in absolute bits and I know she'd have hated it. Christmas 2021 felt a bit more hopeful, but it was more a case of "fake it until you make it"

I expected NYE to be emotional but I worked right up until 7pm (it was year end for my team) and then it was dinner / drinks / party music and then the 9yo puked everywhere practically as the bells went so I didn't really have the time to miss mum.

Except of course I always miss her. Missing her is part of my genetic make up now.

I found NYE very tough, felt like I was leaving my dad 'behind' if that makes sense? It made me cry. Didn't help that I found out in between Christmas and new year that an old boss died suddenly in Nov. I was their daughter's nanny for nearly 5 years (1998-end 2002) Was a terrible shock as they were a lovely family.

I miss my mum so much. It will be 3 years this year and I honestly don’t think I’ve really grasped that she is never coming back daft as that sounds.
I think we do protect ourselves to a certain extent to not feel the finality of the loss and it sort of gets spread out.
I miss being mothered or having that wisdom of a female in the family older than me and don’t want to always have to be the wise one I’m not wise yet.
I have no other female relatives close by and my very close like a sister friend is going through her own trials at the moment so we can’t see each other much. I do have my DF and we get along but it’s never the same as having your mum. He’s also close to my DB which is great as they have more blokey stuff in common but I do feel lost in between sometimes.
Just wanted to say it somewhere. So sorry for all of you suffering more recent loss it is incredibly hard.

@ilovebagpuss

I feel your loss it will be 1 year this March since I lost my lovely mum it was all very unexpected and sudden it still makes my head spin thinking about it all.
I understand your need to be mothered I feel that too. Am nearly 44 and I still need my mum. I have an older sister just by a few years but it's different I feel more mothering towards my sister as she has health issues. I still have my dad but he doesn't keep well either as he drink and I feel like I need to look after him too. There's no one to look after me tho. Am married by my marriage isn't in the best place and my mum was always on my side. I miss that having her in my corner. Do you ever think about all the things you wish you'd said it done or not said or done if that makes sense. Sometimes I'd get annoyed with my mum with her persistent phone calls. Mum was a very anxious person but my goodness how I miss those phone call. Mum was always worried about me if I was ok now there's no one giving me a row because am walking the dog in the dark or am going into the office during a pandemic. No one cares for me that much. I wish I could have seen clearer at the time that I needed my mum as much as she needed me.
Don't get me wrong I dedicate a lot of time for my mum but I feel guilty that it wasn't enough or that I wasn't patient enough with her.
I sometimes think what it would have been like if mum had survived the kidney failure we would have been even more closer if that was possible. It still hurts like hell. I can see how even after 3 years the pain and lounging wouldn't go away. I reckon this is it now this feeling will always be with us xx

@Ttc42nearly43 thank you for your kind words, yes I think the feelings are always there but life does come back to feel good still and I have lots of good days as time passes.
I think if you had an amazing relationship with your mum you should try hard not to dwell on the guilts and what if’s. Sometimes I go into a spin thinking what if we had made different decisions or done this or that when she was ill. Then I have to tell myself will these thoughts bring her back even if the answer is yes you could have done X differently. Would she want me fretting on something that cannot be changed no she would hate that.
Same with your guilt over little things said or done or time missed we all live a normal life and no one knows what’s coming so of course we are going to get fed up with certain things or be a bit grumpy at yet another phone call you can’t look back in that way.
If you heard your mum in your head when you feel bad she would tell you to stop and get on and think of all the good times.
Our minds always replay the bad things to us not all the great times you must have shared.

@ilovebagpuss

Thank you I needed to hear those words from someone they brought me to tears but I know ur right my mum would feel awful to know that I was punishing myself like this. I did do my best with her I fought for her life alongside her when she was in hospital but I couldn't save her. I think this upsets me the most is my mum used to turn to be to fix things for her to make things better but I couldn't fix her kidneys and as much as I fought the drs in the hospital they never gave her the life saving treatment they said she'd never survive it and the she was going to pass away regardless and it would be kinder that mum passed in comfort with her family. The crazy thing is that I sat at the side of her bed for 8 days and nights holding her hand, talking to her and could barely be prised away from her bedside other than when the nurses gave her personal care and I was asked to leave and this is when mum passed away when I was out the room. No one even noticed as the nurses updated her chart they came for me in the family room and said mum was comfortable but then when I went back into her room she was gone. There was even a nurse still in the room and mum slipped away silently. It's just do unfair I wanted to be holding her hand so that she could feel that I was there for her until the very end.

I think our loved ones sometimes wait for us not to be there if that makes sense. I work in elderly care and have seen it so many times.
They may need to go but not want to cause pain to their loved one.
I’m sure she had comfort all the time you were sitting with her.
We had similar with my DM in that they advised us not to push for further treatment at that point and all you can do is trust the professionals and no more as they do have so much more insight into what’s possible and outcomes for people.
I think it’s part of the grieving milling over every detail but then you have to put it aside.

@Ttc42nearly43 sorry it's taken me a while to reply. I'm missing you all but struggling if I'm honest my health visitor has referred me for bereavement counselling . I am so fucking angry with so much in relation to my dad. I cannot believe there is another woman sleeping in my mums bed it makes me feel sick, I need to find tools to cope with this or it's going to make me poorly,
Your husband shouldn't of said that well done for not rising to it you are a better person than me ! X

@mrssunshinexxx

This is good that you will get some help to process your angry. You will have so much resentment for your dad which is completely understandable you need help to let go of some of this as it's not helping you right now. We have no control over how others choose to live their life I recall my aunt after her husband died she started dating after 3 months and my counsims were raging. None of us could understand her actions and now years later she regrets thus and acknowledges that at the time she wasn't thinking straight.
My dad is slowly drinking himself to death and there is nothing I can do to stop him. He's been drinking heavily over the festive period. I have tried reasoning with him even begging him to stop as there has been enough pain in our family. I need him but he doesn't care he's only interested in drinking it's so selfish like your dad and his new women it seems that we don't matter it's is very hurtful.
Through counselling and time I hope you find the way to move forward a bit in regards to your dad's behaviour. Letting go of resentment and anger is such a difficult process but you are in a place where you want to try as like you said it's not healthy. I know I've said this before but the Cruse Bereavement helpline are excellent until you get your own counselllor allocated. Will be thinking of you xx

@ilovebagpuss

Thank you for your reply the staff nurse did warm us that this may happen that many people pass when their loved ones are out the room. It seems that mum passed just as we were coming back into the room or as we spent a few minutes talking to one of the nurses at her room door a out some of mum's medical history.
I feel like am going a bit backwards with my grief and I was crying a lot at work on Friday. I got an email from the solicitor that I have instructed to compile case against the care home and mum's GP for medical negligence. There were delays getting my mum into hospital and by the time she got there due to a severe leg infection her kidneys wee already starting to fail. I now need to choose from 4 medical experts to review all of mum medical notes to see if the outcome could have been any different for her had they got her medical help sooner. It's just bringing all the painful memories back xx

Thanks so much @Ttc42nearly43 I feel so understood on here. Did your dad drink when your mum was here ? X

@mrssunshinexxx

Unfortunately yes he did my mum was a heavy drinker too before she went into care but this was a later in life thing for her she suffered a nervous breakdown and started drinking because she couldn't cope. Dad has drank on and off through my entire life but it's far worse now mum is gone. I've tried everything I can to get him help but he just keeps doing it. Am afraid he will kill himself it terrifies me. When dad is off the drink he's such an amazing dad but it doesn't last long before he's back on it again. I have got his GP involved again but they are also powerless to stop it. When I seen him yesterday he was in such a state he could hardly walk but he insisted on going down to the shops for more wine its madness. Mum used to be a support while all of this was going on the ambulance call the hours in A&E with dad over the years she was always calling me worried that I was ok coping with dad as she understood. I have an older sister but she has MS and it's to much for her so she tends to step away when he drinks it's such an awful situation I don't know how to fix it I guess I just can't.

@Ttc42nearly43 such a burger bloody worry when you already have so much going on I think men are just selfish in general
Compared to women. I'll be there for my children whether they are 4,24 or 44

@Ttc42nearly43 I am so sorry to hear that you are still struggling with your dad.

Of course your dad is grieving but he is also becoming a burden to you and he is making it so much harder for you to grieve your loss.

Does he have any support in place? Are there any teams you can reach out to?

I know you must feel so responsible for him but ultimately he is a grown up and you have your own family to look after.

It is such a difficult situation as of course, unless he wants to stop, you cannot force him to no matter how you try.

My best friends mum is a drinker, her dad died 5 years ago and her mum's drinking is now at staggering levels. My BF has had a lot of therapy but she has worked really hard to learn to live "alongside" her alcoholic parent.

She has some very strict boundaries in place - and it's taken her years to get there but its just things like she won't allow her mum in her home if she is drunk, she will end a phone call if her mum is drunk, she leaves her phone on silent overnight so will not be available for any overnight dramas.

I wish there was an easy answer and I am sorry you are dealing with this as well as losing your mum x

Hi everyone,

I am so sorry that I disappeared off here.
I’m not going to say Happy New Year to everyone as it’s certainly not a happy new year but I wanted to apologise that I haven’t been on for a while. I have been thinking of you all since I last posted but I’ve not been dealing well with my Dad passing and sort of crashed and burned before xmas and New Year. I actually found New year harder than Christmas but now after all of it I feel even worse. I feel so flat, low and deflated without my Dad. I am sorry I haven’t been on here. I need to read your posts to find out how you have all been managing or coping, or should I say ‘trying’ to cope. How did everyone get through Christmas and New year?
@mrssunsinexxx - how is the situation with your Dad now?

I will read the posts I have missed tonight or as many as I can and I hope you will all forgive me and have me back on here xxx