For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

Thank you for your kind words. Just very very anxious about it.

[quote Ttc42nearly43]@Millshake01

My 7 year old daughter came to my mum's funeral she was in the funeral car with me she was so brave. Initially my husband was totally against it so I decided to seek advice from the minister who did the service. He was very matter if fact as said that we no longer live in the days where children where excluded at funerals and that he had held many a service where young children attending. I explained how my daughter was absolutely distraught at the prospect of maybe not going to say goodbye to her granny. What he said next stuck with me and I dug my heels in for her with her dad. The minister said "she has as much right as anyone else to be there". I have to say that I completely agreed with him and looking back now I think I would have regretted not insisting with my husband that she go. My son 5 years old was given the choice and he chose to go to school to see his friends that was fine.

I thought I would share that with you smy daughter was so strong on the day. I on the other hand was a complete mess but my girl stuck by me every step of the way holding onto my hand.[/quote]
Thank you. Yes I think I will take her. Your daughter was sweet to hold your hand. That's lovely

@Testarossa44 thinking of you 💐

Sending you lots of courage, love and strength Testarossa44es

FWIW, we didn't have kids at my mum's funeral. Limits were 15 back then and there were 12 grandchildren (now 13). Probably 8/9 of them would have been at an age to attend.

The decision was made for us.

My MIL has made me promise all her grandkids will be at hers.

Speaking of my mum's funeral. It was a year ago yesterday.... and I forgot. Isn't that insane? The weeks leading up to the anniversary of her death were so incredibly painful and I felt such sadness, grief and emptiness. Yet the anniversary of her funeral passed me by

I don't think that is a bad thing I'm sure you will of thought of her in some way like you probably do every day @Crunchymum

@mrssunshinexxx

I don't think that is a bad thing I'm sure you will of thought of her in some way like you probably do every day *@Crunchymum*

I do think of her, many times a day. And I'm finding more and more of these days there are no tears.

BUT to have forgotten it was the date of her funeral just surprised me (I am very, very good with dates) and now I feel a bit guilty to be honest.

My mum would have loathed us to make that date a thing though and I know that with all my heart.

How are you doing @mrssunshinexxx? Not long until baby is here - exciting!

I think I would feel guilty too but equally same as you o know my mum wouldn't want me wallowing on it or sorting by her grave I've only been twice and feel guilty about that but I think of her constantly from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them every day I don't need to sit my her headstone to feel like I'm grieving. @Crunchymum im 37+5 feeling really nervous about birth and doing this all again without my lovely mum I've packed a picture of her in my hosptial bag it's probably a really bad idea but I just want her with me x

It's done, it nearly floored me when I saw the coffin, made it so so real. It was very very emotional, though the celebrant made it a nice and very personal service. I just about coped, although there were lots of tears. my partner was fantastic, I really needed his support and he was just 'there' for me. So many people came and said what a lovely man dad was. Was a very tough, hard, upsetting day, but I think dad would have been happy. The cremation bit is elsewhere, so we didn't have to 'leave' him in the chapel, he was put back in the hearse and we just watched him disappear down the drive and round the corner. It was sort of nice to wave him off, but equally upsetting to know he is now truly gone. Just going to miss him so much.

Well done on getting through it

Glad it went as well as these things can, take extra care of yourself this evening and over the next few days.

Day after the funeral I found very odd. Basically at the moment I live by the motto 'whenever you have a tough moment, treat yourself'. Hence the weight gain as I keep eating cake.

@mrssunshinexxx

I think I would feel guilty too but equally same as you o know my mum wouldn't want me wallowing on it or sorting by her grave I've only been twice and feel guilty about that but I think of her constantly from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them every day I don't need to sit my her headstone to feel like I'm grieving. *@Crunchymum* im 37+5 feeling really nervous about birth and doing this all again without my lovely mum I've packed a picture of her in my hosptial bag it's probably a really bad idea but I just want her with me x

Am in Dubai just now and I have granny bear (a mother's Day teddy bear I have my mum years ago) and a picture of my mum with me. I think it's nice you will take your mum's picture with you to the hospital x

@Testarossa44

It's done, it nearly floored me when I saw the coffin, made it so so real. It was very very emotional, though the celebrant made it a nice and very personal service. I just about coped, although there were lots of tears. my partner was fantastic, I really needed his support and he was just 'there' for me. So many people came and said what a lovely man dad was. Was a very tough, hard, upsetting day, but I think dad would have been happy. The cremation bit is elsewhere, so we didn't have to 'leave' him in the chapel, he was put back in the hearse and we just watched him disappear down the drive and round the corner. It was sort of nice to wave him off, but equally upsetting to know he is now truly gone. Just going to miss him so much.

❤️

Oh @Testarossa44 So pleased to hear you have a supportive partner he is going to need to be very patient with you tough tough times ahead but you have coped through a huge day today I bet you feel exhausted , hugs.

@Ttc42nearly43 that's so sweet, I have packed it in the bag if it's a bad idea at the time I can always pack it away I worry it will just make me sob and lose control or it may make me channel my inner 'her' she was as strong as an ox mentally and physically. My mums best friend made my little girl a bear out of mums clothes when she died my little one carts it around everywhere at home which makes me sad but equally it's so cute to see but depressing that's all she has of her lovely grandma it knocks the wind out of me when I remember that they never even had one cuddle x she is making one for this baby too 💔❤️

@mrssunshinexxx I doubted my partner in the week or so after my dad passed away, but I wasn’t thinking straight and reading too much in to conversations, I think I was trying to distract myself by focusing on something else and was seeing things that just weren’t there, but today, when I needed him the most he was there. I don’t think I’d have got through it without him. Yes I feel utterly utterly exhausted. Staying with my mum until the weekend.

I had serious issues with my husband for months after mum died but this was a lot to do with my dad putting on me too much and his parents interfering too @Testarossa44 I doubted if we would be able to get through it but I can confidently say we have come through the other side but it was tough and it's so hard for them when they see the person they love the most broken to pieces. He was much closer to my mum than his own also so he was/ is grieving too . This path is hard for us all

@Testarossa44 I’m glad it was a good service, I think seeing the coffin is the hardest bit. Yes, the sense of finality and the cold reality of it hits after the funeral, in a way the worst is over and in another it’s only just beginning. We’re 6 weeks on from the funeral and it seems like an age ago but I can still visualize almost every moment.

The first few days after my mum’s funeral I was completely physically and emotionally - I was very low for quite a while but have gradually hauled myself up a little way - so be kind to yourself and don’t rush anything.

It's a week today that my mum was moved to icu and my db and me were trying to keep positive and hope for the best. She died less than two days later and now I'm sitting here hugging one of her scarves beimg angry at my last week self for being stupid enough to hope. Its been two weeks since her last text to me saying that she was looking forward to seeing me soon.

I feel like I'm being crushed. I can hear her yelling me it will be OK.

Sorry for dumping this here, I'm overwhelmed with sadness and I don't know what to do. Love to all of you going through this

Telling not yelling. She never yelled.

Hugs @refreshingseahorse it's just the worst pain in the world isn't it. I will never ever get over losing my precious mum

It's the finality of it
There's no way back and it can't be undone.

I had my home visit with health visitor this morning and I just had a complete breakdown on her she was so kind

@mrssunshinexxx I'm sure she understood. I'm absolute shattered today, didn't get much sleep, even though I felt utterly drained after the funeral yesterday. I was hoping for a quieter day today, but I've had problems with selling dads car, was supposed to be collected today, but now monday. Its ripping me apart selling it, even though it's what dad wanted, as mum doesn't drive, he always kept his cars so immaculate. Then we had the funeral director calling to ask what we wanted doing with the flowers, after a conversation he's going to take them to the cemetery next week, when we inter dad's ashes. Its tearing my up thinking about doing that. Can't bear to think my dad has really truly gone and is now just a box full of ash. Such a horrible horrible thought. When does it ever end, the pain and grief seems worse today than when he first died.

@Testarossa44 the box of dust is so fucking horrible isn't it I remember knelt down on the floor sprinkling it in thinking this is my mum it made me feel ill. This road we are all on is brutal I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Very annoying the car sale can't be straight forward and quick when it's already painful. You need to be firm and make it clear it absolutely has to be Monday x