For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

How is everyone doing? I just feel a bit numb and tired this morning. I kept it together most of yesterday, but at bedtime I couldn't switch my brain off, it was all memories of my dad, and thinking about the funeral on Wednesday, and I ended up getting up and just sobbing on the sofa (my partner was asleep) I did stop eventually and went back to bed once I felt calmer. Its the quiet moments, or something that triggers a memory or something that I know dad would have found funny, and knowing that I can't share it with him, that's when the tears flow.

Hope you have a better day today @Testarossa44

Having had a good start to the week I feel like I've been going down hill and increasingly miserable and teary.

I sobbed virtually all the way through Strictly last night, what with one couple dancing to a Frank Sinatra track in a Fred and Ginger style (Dad loved classic musicals) and Judi Love's tribute to her dad who passed away 5 months ago, so around the same time as mine.

I woke up 3 times last night having had nightmares, not Dad related, but I have had them for years.

There are many things just lying undealt with.

I have the opposite issue here. Mum has just packed up pretty much everything...all but a few rugby shirts have gone to the charity shop, all his books and personal stuff boxed up in the garage.

There's also another man in the frame (has been since before Dad passed). It's very complicated and can't really be anything but he's not doing anything to nip it in the bud and she's verging on obsessive.

A lot of my grief has been mixed up with anger, and I'm really not sure how much longer I'll be able to retain a relationship with my mum. I really to support her and have a positive relationship, but her behaviour and complete lack of respect for my feelings is becoming increasingly difficult to bear.

I know everyone copes with grief differently but there has to be boundaries and consideration, surely?

She's even put his ashes away in cupboard now.

I feel like stealing them tbh...so I can keep him with me.

@MintyCedric sorry to hear you're having to go through that with your mum, it sounds very tough. It's so sad that she's making it more traumatic for you than it already is.
I'm just trying to take each day at a time, it's all I can do at the moment. it"s only 3 weeks on Monday since dad went, yet it seems like forever.

@MintyCedric really
Sorry to hear your extra difficulties at this time. I have gone NC with my dad since my mum died they were married for 40 years and my dad really really put on me even though I was weeks away having my first baby he caused big issues in my marriage and went straight on a dating very quickly he was living with another woman less than 6 months after my mum died so I don't want him in my life. I feel at peace with my decision I really do. He's the most selfish man I've ever known. He doesn't give a crap about his adult children. If you want to message me pls do I probably closely understand how you are feeling . I know everyone grieves differently and who am I to say what he should or shouldn't do but I know with my whole being if my husband passed away I would throw my whole self in to making sure my children no matter how old they were felt supported through their grief by me

I thought I was doing ok really, but last night I woke up crying - I’m not sure what triggered it but it was awful. And then I couldn’t get back to sleep.

It seems like the random periods of grief/crying are a bit further apart but more extreme when they do come.

Hi everyone. I'm sorry to all of you struggling right now. It's shit.

It was my dad's birthday party yesterday and it went so well but I just could have cried the whole time. Wish my mum was there.

That must have been really hard Kitkat. Can’t even begin to think about socialising or any kind of celebration. My sister rang today, with her husband having a seizure last week, he now can’t drive, and may not come to the funeral as he is in a lot of pain, my sister is going to have to drive. We have a family car for the funeral which will seat 7. It currently has 4 people using it. My sister asked if her, my youngest niece and her partner could come in it.(neither of them drive) I said I was okay with her and my niece, but not her partner. I’ve never met him, mum hasn’t, and dad never did either. To me a family car is just that for family, to be together to support each other for what is going to be a pretty devastating, horrendous day, not just as a taxi to get there and back. I said I know I’m going to be very very upset and didn’t want to be doing that in front of somebody who is literally a complete stranger. She said it was okay and she’d get something sorted. I got off the phone, and promptly cried.

Oh Testarossa...I had the exact same thing. My mum wanted to give lifts to neighbours who were coming...it was like she felt she had to get her money's worth and wouldn't if it was just me, her and DD.

She did understand and backtrack when I made it clear how horrified I was. I completely understand why you're upset.

Who will you have with you on the day? Be prepared for that moment see you the hearse and car arriving...it makes it horribly real. I retreated to the kitchen with a shot of my dad's favourite whisky to steady myself tbh.

My mum who is teetotal actually suggested I might need a stiff drink beforehand and although I was a bit at first I was bloody glad I did.

It'll be me, my partner, my mum and my auntie (dad's sister) in the car. My sister has now said she'll drive straight to the crematorium. I'm dreading it, don't even know how I'll get through the day. Xx

@Kitkatchunkyplease

Hi everyone. I'm sorry to all of you struggling right now. It's shit.

It was my dad's birthday party yesterday and it went so well but I just could have cried the whole time. Wish my mum was there.

This should have been my dd's birthday party 😅 which I think explains better why I was quite so weepy. No way is my dad fancying partying, poor man.

So sorry for that testa. That's so hard. I had a whiskey as well before the hearse arrived - I don't drink whiskey! It helped.

Seeing the hearse literally knocked the wind out of me will never forget it

Hi. New to this thread - my mum passed away on the 20th September - just 9 days after her 58th birthday. It was completely unexpected and sudden. We had been with her the night before till 8:30pm and had a lovely tea. Got a message from her work at midday on the Monday to say she hadn’t checked in for work. We knew at that point something was wrong. I’ll be forever grateful to her work as it meant we could get round before my 16 year old daughter got there after college… She was found at the bottom of the stairs 😢😢😢 post mortem came back and said pulmonary embolism. We had her funeral last week.

How the hell do you move forward and go on? Just where do you start and what do you do?

Oh goodness, 58 is no age at all. A sudden death as well I feel is so hard to get your mind to accept.
How was the funeral?

I struggle with getting upset over all the things my mum is missing. Then I try to flip it and say - she doesn't know, because she is dead. It's not sad for her, it's sad for me. And then I still cry and cry So I'm not sure the point of that.

Don't know how you go on, honestly. I went back to work straightaway and that has helped me put one foot in front of the other, but this stretch up to Christmas is looming over me, with family birthdays, my mum's birthday and then the big day itself. I just so wish she was here.

I can't even do Christmas I don't think. My mum's all wanting to put the tree up, and decs etc and I just can't even contemplate Christmas without my dad, its too bloody awful. Think me and my partner are going to have to go down and stay with mum for a couple of days, but I know I'm going to be utterly miserable and sad, nothing is EVER going to be the same, and I hate that.

I'm struggling with the thought of Christmas from a practical pov as much as anything.

Mum is very, very needy and it's understandable atm of course (although when she keeps wanging on about this other bloke it's hard to see it that way ), but it's literally just me and DD...there's not other family.

DD asked me last night if we'll still be able to have our special day on Christmas Eve like we usually do, and I really hope so as I feel I've neglected her for the duration of dad's illness, but at the same time I feel terribly guilty about mum who will no doubt throw an epic tantrum if I say we're not staying then.

I was hoping mum would come to us for Christmas Day but she 'doesn't like my sofas' and tbf my kitchen in tiny. We're also talking about going out instead. It's just all up in the air and will probably be crap and stressful whatever happens.

One thing Dad and I used to do every year when I was a kid was watch the 'That's Entertainment' documentary about classic musicals on a Christmas or Boxing Day morning. It was presented by Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire and it was our thing for years. I bought the box set of all 3 episodes on Amazon at the weekend so that will at least be a lovely thing to look forward to...although of course I'm now kicking myself for not having thought of getting then while he was alive so we could enjoy them together .

Mums funeral is next week. My 8 year old daughter has said she would like to go in the same car. I'm not sure what to do? She hasn't shed any tears yet. She was very close to my mum. I'm not sure if this will be too much for her?
Yes I'm also not looking forward to Christmas. The plan this year was to spend it with the in laws as the father is poorly and mil said it might be his last Christmas. When I told mum this a few months ago never did I for one minute think she wouldn't actually be here for Christmas. 😪

I took my dd with me and it was a great comfort, but she is much younger so has less understanding than your daughter. I went to my grandparents funerals from age 7-11 and honestly it did help me to go in the car. I read it can help children to feel that they've played a part in the funeral; my dd chose flowers and placed them on the coffin in the church.

The funeral was as ‘nice’ as it could be. I wrote most of the eulogy which was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Everyone said we did her proud and that’s what I had hoped for.

I worked for a bit in between Mum passing and the funeral - I had the phone call from the coroner with the post mortem results while sat at work. Then had some time off for the funeral. I’m due back in tomorrow but just can’t face it so I’ve been signed off sick for two weeks. There’s so much to sort out and things to do.

A big supportive handhold to everyone going through this awful time. I was where you are a year ago. Thinking back to it makes me feel physically ill. It’s just so horrible and seems never-ending.

@Testarossa44 I’m so sorry you even had to deal with the added stress of worrying about someone you didn’t know being at the funeral. I had this too except I didn’t know in advance. My BIL just took it on himself to invite his DSis, who’d only met my mum maybe twice and didn’t know her. I didn’t have any choice in it, she was just there. I don’t know her either.

There are other things about BIL’s behaviour at the funeral which I can neither forgive nor forget. I can’t even talk about them on here, I don’t think. Too upsetting.

What I can say is that, a year on, the awful pain has receded. These are the worst times, they really are. It won’t seem like it now but it will gradually - very gradually - start to become something you live with instead of being utterly crushed by. You’ll always love and mourn but you will, I hope, look back on this as the worst and darkest point.

And if you don’t want to ‘do’ Christmas, that’s fine. I couldn’t face it either, and I didn’t.

@Millshake01

My 7 year old daughter came to my mum's funeral she was in the funeral car with me she was so brave. Initially my husband was totally against it so I decided to seek advice from the minister who did the service. He was very matter if fact as said that we no longer live in the days where children where excluded at funerals and that he had held many a service where young children attending. I explained how my daughter was absolutely distraught at the prospect of maybe not going to say goodbye to her granny. What he said next stuck with me and I dug my heels in for her with her dad. The minister said "she has as much right as anyone else to be there". I have to say that I completely agreed with him and looking back now I think I would have regretted not insisting with my husband that she go. My son 5 years old was given the choice and he chose to go to school to see his friends that was fine.

I thought I would share that with you smy daughter was so strong on the day. I on the other hand was a complete mess but my girl stuck by me every step of the way holding onto my hand.

Dad’s funeral is tomorrow. I have no idea how I’m going to get through it. It’s so final.

Will be thinking of you @Testarossa44
Nothing is as bad as when you found out they had died. I was so anxious about the funeral but it was nothing compared to just living and coping daily without them.

I think seeing the cars turn up was the worst bit. Seeing Mums name on the coffin.

Just had to put my head down and get through it. Some people might not agree but we had Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire when the curtains closed in the crematorium. She always joked that was what she wanted and everyone knew it so we had to have it. The celebrant came up to me once we got outside and said ‘I know you weren’t looking round but when the song started everyone smiled and laughed - you chose the right thing’.

Just be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much.

@Ttc42nearly43

I was 6/7 when both my nans died and I wasn't allowed to go to funerals. I suspect it was more because my mum would have been in state.

My own DD went to her great gran's funeral at 3.5...it's gone down in family legend how she and her 5yo cousins went awol during the wake and run to ground underneath the kitchen table ploughing their way through an entire plate of chocolate cookies .

@Plummer88 Said gran had 'Is the Way to Amarillo?' as her exit song...she was awesome. I think music is so important and it's lovely you did what your mum wanted.

For all my moaning about my mum, she did let me organise the entire funeral...I ran everything through her but aside from choosing a song for the photo show which we wrangled over a bit, she went with everything I'd suggested.

It was so, so important to me to make the day about who Dad was and it really kept me going, but the week afterwards was bleak, not least because mum and fell out after the wake (re the 'other man') and were barely on speaking terms. I honestly can remember very little about that period now.

@Testarossa44 you will get through it...mainly for your lovely dad. I wish you all the strength in the world for tomorrow and hope your loved ones give you all the love and support you need .