Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Same here lggion I won’t be around to do it and would probably cost me more in time off work and petrol than any profit I’d make. I guess I just feel bad that I’m abandoning all her stuff as if it was rubbish rather than finding it a good home but I suppose needs must. I live in a flat with little storgage space so am very limited as to what I can take, as it is I’m going to be struggling to turn round once I’ve taken everything of Mum’s that I want but at the same time I don’t want to be too ruthless and then regret it.

Mum wasn’t a hoarder in the true sense of the word but like most of her generation she did not like to throw stuff away & there is (sorry Mum) an awful lot of completely worthless junk to get rid of too, so paying someone to take that job off my hands is worth it I think.

Yes, I had to clear my mum’s house when she moved into a care home.
People kept telling me to advertise stuff, but I was 50 miles away and had enough stress without driving there for someone to either not turn up or not want it.
I had enough trouble giving stuff away. I had to give her mobility scooter to a charity. One of her carers asked to buy her nearly new freezer, I said £50 then after she’d collected it (had a key), told me she didn’t have any money. Bit cheeky. But I CBA to chase it up.

Orchard exactly the same here - it would be a lot of stress that I can do without to try & sell things or even try and give them away myself if the clearance company will do all that for me. I’ve had a look on the local Facebook marketplace for Mum’s area and the amount of decent looking furniture etc being advertised for very little money or ‘free on collection’ has made me realise it’s not worth stressing over. If I had more time or lived closer I’d probably try and find a local charity to take the furniture but as it stands I don’t. I still feel guilty though

Sorry - name change fail above I’m usually Annunciata333

I feel guilty too. My siblings and I have frequently said out loud ‘sorry mum’ as we put things she’d had for 70/80 years in the rubbish pile. Saving treasures and things sentimental and lots going to charities and a family member who has new unfurnished house but it does feel bad.
Best was new small freezer going to friends school science block in porta cabin. They haven’t been able to to do anything requiring freezing. Ecstatic to get it. What have we come to eh ? Hugs all.

Giving her old pretty crap car to a local motor mechanic course. However all of this is taking so much time !

The fire service will take old cars for practice.

Mum didn’t have a car so that’s one less thing to worry about. I do wish I had more time or was local enough to donate some of her stuff though, as I know that’s what she would have done (and did when my Dad died) I just can’t be here long enough to sort it all out. The house clearance chap did say he donates a lot of usable but unsellable stuff to local charities so that’s something I suppose.

I am keeping as much as possible of the sentimental stuff but I’m already almost at full capacity now in terms of storing it all & it still feels like I’m throwing Mum’s life away I know if she was here she wouldn’t see it like that though and wouldn’t want me tying myself in knots over it.

I think now the funeral’s over I’ve just moved on to obsessing over this, maybe my subconscious is trying to keep my mind occupied with practical stuff rather than collapsing in heap.

Reeling.... six days after the death of my lovely mum, my MIL died this morning.

How do we even begin to cope with this and support each other? My DH is already ill (the GP wants to see him again this afternoon...fall out effects from cancer).

I feel thoroughly kicked when down.

Oh Fuzzy I’m so very, very sorry I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

Does your DH have siblings/other family that he’s close to? It might be easier for you to be with yours and him with his at the moment but not sure if that’s possible (as I know you’d said yours aren’t local) or even what you’d want especially with what you’ve said about him being ill.

I’m so sorry it sounds absolutely horrendous for you both and I have no proper advice but sending love, hugs and handholds ❤️❤️❤️

So sorry Fuzzy what a terrible shock for you and your dh. It's almost to much to bear I would imagine. Do please lean on your friends and other family to help you and dh through this shocking time.
Sadly you may not be able to give each other the support you both need as you will both be grieving your mums. This is very very sad and I wish you and your dh the strength to get through this awful time in your lives. And what an awful time for both sides of the family members 💐
For the other posters here, I hope that whatever stage you are at, clearing houses arranging funerals or just coming to terms trying to accept what has happened, I send you all a hand to hold. 💐

Mum has been gone for 5 months today. It's so hard to believe, I feel like I'm in a dream some days. Sometimes I forget it's real for a minute or two and then it hits me all over again. Hugs to everyone

I need someone to give me a slap, or tell me to give my head a wobble, because something has really upset me, though I don't think I should be giving the head space that I am.

So...my FiL died a few weeks ago and the funeral is tomorrow. Having lost my own DF 18 months ago, I've been in a good position (knowledge wise) to support my DH and DSIL through the process of arranging the funeral etc. I've also been helping a lot with the clearing of the house (MIL died several years ago). They've been very grateful for the help I'm giving.

The thing that has upset me is the cars for the funeral. We were specifically told when booking everything that one car would have 6 seats and the second would have 7 seats (one has less due to the funeral director needing a seat), so 13 in total. Me and DH have 2 DDs and my SIL and BIL have 2 DDs too, so that's 8 seats. My DH then invited his aunt to come in the cars with her 2 adult DDs (FIL's sister) and later invited his uncle and his two adult DDs (FIL's BIL). Anyone good at maths has realised that's 14 people! Everyone has accepted the invite, so we were in a predicament. My DH was not prepared to do anything to reduce the numbers, so now I have to drive myself to the funeral service while less close family members (FIL's nieces) get to go in the cars. I feel snubbed and a bit angry. I know in the big scheme of things this is minor, but I think it's made worse because my DH doesn't even seem to feel any remorse. He hasn't once said "thank you for stepping down and giving up your seat". He hasn't said "I'm sorry for screwing things up". If the tables had been turned I'd have been mortified if my DH would not be able to come in the car. I know there's a lot worse things going on in the world, but for some reason this is really making me upset. Someone tell me to get over myself and stop sulking..please!

I understand how you feel Trixie, I'd feel similar, but this isn't about you. Your DH is probably in such a fog that he hasn't even realised this is bothering you and it hasn't occurred to him to say thanks/sorry. Driving yourself isn't a big deal, just forget about the perceived snub (it's not a snub, just muddled maths) and get on with it. You'd be doing yourself and DH a disservice by making a scene.

Oh Trixie. That's horrible. It's not on purpose but it must really sting.

Hope it goes as well so it can anyway 💐

Fuzzy I can't begin to imagine how you will be reeling. Yes, almost unbearable. We lost a relative right after my DM but nothing like this. I'm sending you some strength and a shoulder to lean on. And 💐

I definitely won't be causing any scene. I gave up my seat when I realised DH had over promised because I didn't want any awkwardness on the day. It definitely wasn't muddled maths because both SIL and me kept telling him he was over promising but he still carried on doing it regardless. Never mind, I'm sure all will go well tomorrow.

@FuzzyPuffling, I'm so sorry for your double loss. I can't even imagine how you are feeling and coping. Stressful enough with a single loss, but two so close together, and your DH ill is just....wow! Sending you a big virtual hug .

Thanks for the hugs and understanding. Today hasn't been great. I had to do a work style meeting (I'm a volunteer on a management committee) and then take DH for a blood test. Then look at orders of service of mum's funeral (my wonderful sister has organised everything) and Skype my upset daughter. Today I would like to stop being a grown up, if that's OK?

More hugs ❤️ and Fuzzy, and I fully understand about not wanting to be a grown up Do you have a close friend or anyone you can lean on? My best friend has been an absolute godsend, she knew my Mum but was removed enough from it all to be able to support me if that makes sense.

Tixie I would be hurt too, I wouldn’t blame your DH as I’m sure he’s not thinking straight at all but I’d be annoyed that someone in the extended family or the adult nieces themselves didn’t think to check about spaces in cars & offer to drive/sort out lifts so you could be with your DH. I hope it all goes ok tomorrow

Has anyone else being hearing the song Beloved on the radio a lot recently, the lyrics are beautiful but so terribly sad for anyone that’s recently bereaved and it seems to be following me everywhere I go, I’ve had to pull over a few times when it’s come on the car radio.

Thanks very much to HeronLanyan who's made me feel understood for a change! It's been 4 months since my mum died and I'm feeling worse not better.
I didn't really understand that but it so helps to see that others have experienced the same thing. As well as the expectation that you're now starting to be ok. I find it so hard if I get upset or tell people that I'm feeling down at the moment and they say 'why, what's wrong?' It's really hard to say 'oh my mum, the one person in my family, died a matter of weeks ago' without sounding shitty.

Also fuzzy, how are you? Please look after yourself, you're coping with so bloody much x

I'm still standing. Today I've looked at the final order of service for my mum's funeral and helped DH with his PIP appeal. And had a card from DSD and a lovely phone chat with DD1. People are being very kind. I'm just tired, I wake up around 4am every morning and don't get back to sleep. Hurrah for cats on the bed! Hand holding and standing in solidarity with anyone who needs it.

Ok
Not posted before ( or on mumsnet for years to be honest ) but am in the shit a d need to tell anyone / someone.

My dad died on December 10th , 68 days after pancreatic cancer diagnosis( he was diagnosed 2 days after my sisters first baby was born ) . Nursed at home all the way through and died at home - we spent the morning with him and I even massaged the rigor out of his hands to get his rings off for my mum- he was only 61
I’ve held it together until now , I’m the eldest of 4 and have been helping my mum with the funeral ( always a joy when the best they can offer you is Xmas eve or 27 th dec) , finances ( life ins didn’t pay out as they hadn’t covered dad due to pre existing medical , just mum and they didn’t realise, ) and looking after younger siblings esp my sister who has just had her first when he was diagnosed
Feel like I’ve kept it together until now but we’ve hit 4 months since he died and I’ve gone to pieces . His work at London Underground, today they sent pics that they have put a plaque on a bench and it’s ruined me . I shouldn’t have a dad on a gold bench thing
Sorry gin based rambling but I’ve kept it together until now and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck . Got to keep it together for mum , siblings , teens in first year of a levels and GCSEs and endlessly patient should but just want to curl up and sleep

Baileys you poor thing that sounds like such a shock so quick and so young too. You day you had to keep it together but you really can’t all the time - there have to be some days (hours even) when you feel what you need to feel and everyone else can sort themselves out for a while. I would say that letting yourself be overwhelmed at times is not unhelpful - I don’t think it leads to feeling that way 24/7 it’s like a release for the pressure you’re building and lets you get stronger again. Grief comes in waves and when it’s at its worst I’ve always found it does recede again till the next one.

Thankyou
Just needed to vent
Feel like I’ve been grieving since he was diagnosed at start of October but sometimes the sledgehammer of shit hits and I just dot know how to keep on plodding

Bailey I’m so sorry you lost your Dad so young. I’m less than 3 weeks in but a heck of a lot of people (on here and IRL) have said around the 4 month mark is often when it really hits. I agree with lggion about letting yourself be overwhelmed and stop plodding for a while, everyone else can and will sort themselves out.

Fuzzy how are you today? I’m doing the early waking thing as well, I haven’t had any dreams about Mum yet though.

Hugs and handholds to all who need one ❤️