Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Hope it went well 2ofsteds and hope tonight and tomorrow goes as well as they can do for you Annunciata.

We've got Mums certificate and seen the funeral directors today so that's another thing that Dad can tick off his list. He's found letters for us on Mum's computer and what she wanted me to read at the funeral. SHE KNEW. Either that or she wasn't sure whether she would recover so wrote the letters just in case. I don't know whether to laugh or cry about how organised she was.

It’s been over 10 months since dad died. It feels less raw yet I still miss him dearly.

I wonder if I’m in the anger phase of grief because I’m so fed up with everyone and everything. I don’t want to think about the impact of his death anymore, I don’t want to have to be concerned about how everyone else is doing in their grief, are they eating, are they feeling ok, are they dealing with it ok, how are they adjusting to things etc etc etc etc. I don’t want his death to be a feature of our lives. I wish he was still in it and we weren’t all so burdened by grief and hurt and sadness and heartache of his death. I’m not angry that he died but angry with how heavy death feels. I don’t blame dad, I blame death itself. I’m rambling now. Sorry for the random post, I just needed to offload.

The church service went fine, it was very small but very intimate and quite comforting and Mum would have loved it. I feel a bit better about the actual funeral tomorrow now, though I would be more than happy with the ‘mini’ service today being the end of it but Mum would have wanted the full service tomorrow too so just need to remember I’m doing it for her and not me.

Jadzia that’s lovely you found your Mum’s letters. I wish my Mum had left something like that, I’ve had to bumble through but the church where Mum went have luckily been great with their side of things.

BonApp I’m still in the very early days (and I think very much still on autopilot) and can’t even imagine how the next months or years are going to be.

I am joining this thread too. My mum died last week and the cremation was Tuesday. It was beautiful, they way she had planned it. She was terminally ill, but it all went rather quickly in the end. But we were able to plan her cremation with her, which was a lovely thing to do.

The sadness is starting to hit me now, had a good cry last night. My son is about to turn 4 and it means he's starting school next week (we're not in the UK) and he's finishing up in day care too. Huge milestones that she's not around for, though she knew they were going to happen soon.

I realised last night I need to find a way to talk to her. I'm not religious, I don't pray, I'm on the fence about an afterlife, but I feel the need to still tell her things. I haven't quite worked out what would suit me.

Hugs to everyone new here.
annunciata I am so pleased the service went well. Hope the funeral yesterday did also.
foxy sorry to see you here too. It is good to have been able to know what she wanted and I know from my own ma’s death 4 months ago that that helps. As for talking to her I too have that feeling strongly. My ma and I used to watch and care for the birds in her garden, particularly getting them through last year’s beast from the east. Her house isn’t yet sold and when I am there I have found myself ‘communing’ in a vague way with my ma through them. There’s also a huge magnolia near where I work which she loved and had a photo of in her kitchen. I kind of have spoken thoughts to (not with) my ma when I see that. They both do give some comfort.
Stay strong everyone and be weak when needed. It’s a tough road we’re on but we’ll get there.

Hello. I'm new on this thread.

My mum died yesterday. I am numb. I am trying to hold it all together for my DH (who is ill and who's own mum is not expected to live past the next few days). I can't properly offload on him as he is too fragile at the moment.

My mum was a belter of a woman. She taught me so much (gardening, independence, singing) and I shall miss her for ever. She was very old and had had enough of life, so I am sadder for me that for her, if that makes any sense.

Just too much grief in my life and I have nowhere to take it.

I’m really sorry for your loss Puffling and for the situation you find yourself in at home. Feeling numb is completely natural just now. Your mum sounds like an amazing woman

I’m sorry to see you joining us foxy and Fuzzy

Mum’s funeral went well, there were not many people there but it was a lovely service with some very meaningful (to her) hymns and readings and it would have been just what she wanted.

I thought I’d feel relieved once it was over but I’m really wound up and tense/stressed/anxious - a bit like how I was when she was critical in hospital and I was waiting for The Call. But the funeral’s over and apart from the legal/property stuff there isn’t much more to do now so not sure what I’m so anxious about, maybe it’s just the thought of going back to normal but a normal without Mum.

Sorry to see you be joined us foxy and fuzzy.

foxy I've got a nice notebook and I've been writing letters to my Mum over the last few days. It's been incredibly helpful. The first one was all the things that I wish that is have said to her before she died and the others have been chatty day to day stuff, things she would have laughed at or been interested in.

Annunciata glad to hear that the funeral went well and that it would have been what she wanted. I think that the time after the funeral can be difficult as you're trying to adjust to the new normal. That was certainly the case for DH after FIL died.

Fuzzy I totally understand about being sadder for yourself than your Mum. Although my Mum wasn't old, she was in constant pain because of rheumatoid arthritis and she had a heart condition as well as other illnesses. She's in no pain now, no more brave face and gritting her teeth to get on with things. She's at peace.

My mum’s funeral was on Wednesday. On the way back, my sister said that all over the country there must be people going to their mum’s funeral. I thought of all you lovely people.

Thank you for the welcome, all of you.
I'm still numb. I am sure people think I am not grieving properly, but this is mostly because I don't feel I have the space to have any "fall apart" moments. Looking after my DH and him worrying that every moment his own mum is going to die is quite hard work. And there's such a part of me that would like to be able to focus on my mum and my feeling about her. DH will probably go to his mum's in the next day or so which will leave me alone, but maybe able to have that space. I can't work out if it is a good thing or not.

My mum's funeral is in 10 days time. I've been discussing it with my sister. How can I go from having a mum to talking coffins and afternoon tea after the crem in two days?

I'm rambling a bit - sorry. Grief offloading. But hand holding in solidarity with anyone else in this position.

Fuzzy I haven’t really grieved either and it’s been nearly 2 weeks for me with the funeral over and everything. I was really tense and anxious yesterday but just feel exhausted today. It must be very hard for you with your DH’s Mum being so ill, and it might be good for you to have some space as long as you’ve got other support, does your sister live nearby?

Orchard that’s incredibly sad but very comforting at the same time. I hope your Mum’s funeral went well

Unfortunately I live quite a way from my sister (who is in the same place as my mum). We're about 300 miles away. I have good friends here, but not family. My DD1 is the nearest - she's about 50 miles away from me.

It's so hard isn't it? I don't want or need someone to hold my hand all the time, but I need to feel that my mum is being properly remembered and respected and not just being caught in the impending demise of my MIL.

Annunciata why are you not able to grieve for your mum? Is it something specific or just the everyday busyness of life?

Fuzzy I’m not sure to be honest, I have felt sad and lonely but for the most part I’ve been on autopilot and haven’t broken down or really cried. I’m an only child so had a lot to do with funeral planning and all the general ‘admin’ which I thought was keeping me going, I felt horrendously anxious yesterday (day after the funeral) and thought a big breakdown might be coming but I’m just exhausted today and back to being numb I suppose. I’m sure it’s going to hit soon but whether it will be days, weeks or months I don’t know.

Could you go and stay with your sister or DD or get one of your local friends to come round? I’ve been pretty isolated as my Mum lived a long way from me too but I had to stay in her area to sort everything out, luckily one of my closest and oldest friends lives not far away and has been an absolute godsend.

Oh Fuzzy, was it sudden? My husband's dad died about 20 years ago, of a heartattack, and he said it didn't hit him until 6 months after. What a situation you're in, poor you.

I like the idea of letters.

Today a neighbour brought me a beautiful bouquet of while and green flowers and an offer of help of any sort. And my daughter's partner offered to stay with DH if he's not well enough to come to the funeral. And another friend did some special prayers for my "heathen" (her description!) mum in church this morning which was comforting. There are some very lovely people out there.

I too feel numb, but acknowledge it is early days.

It wasn't exactly sudden in that my mum was old and worn out(!) but she wasn't any mire ill than she has been for a couple of years. No pneumonia or anything. She just wore out.

fuzzy my mum also died unexpectedly other than being old (sorry mum - she hated that word). Out of the blue. Her death cert says ‘old age’ as cause of death because they couldn’t find anything else at all despite inquest to try to ascertain.

I have found it kind of comforting, given all of this, to think that she lived her full life. I hope that thought might help you too.

As for weirdness of grief, 4 months on ive just had the worst of weeks. I had 7 or 8 weeks of it really not sinking in - some sobbing but not really connected. Over the last few weeks I’ve started to feel her (my!) loss properly and it is tough. One trouble is lots of acquaintances, I think, assume I am starting to feel better. God knows what work thought when I showed up looking awful one day this week and slipped off home early to have a sobbing session.

We’ll get there - hugs to everyone on this thread - it’s a lovely but sad ‘club’ to be in.

Heron I’m sorry this has been a rough week for you.

Two of my friends who have both lost parents recently said it didn’t really hit them till some months later, by which time people who were less close were moving on and expecting them to be feeling better too so the sympathy wasn’t there in the way it would have been during the early days/weeks, which of course makes it all the harder.

I think disconnected is exactly how I feel at the moment, almost like it’s happened/happening to someone else.

Hugs to all from me too, it is a sad club to be in but it’s brought me a lot of comfort in the last couple of weeks.

Nothing of any use to add to anything, but just popping in to wave or hand hold anyone in need today. I have shed one or two quiet tears for my mum (who also hated that word...she was Ma to me) but still feel mostly numb. I've written to my sister this morning, enclosing an old photo of Ma at the age of about 20. She looks so vibrant.

A hand to hold here too.

The weekend was hard. We had my MIL over, so we did a little celebration for my son's birthday, with my dad as well. It was so hard to not have mum there. When she went to the hospice she said she wanted to hold on till his birthday, but she let that go. We didn't do much, just went to the beach so my wee boy could muck around in his wellies (his favourite thing) in the sand and water. But it was just hard without her there.

Tomorrow I'm going back to school (I'm a full-time, mature student), I'm craving some normality I think. Not a full day, just a few hours. I've paused my work placement, which I'll pick up again after the May half term.

Hi
I am glad to have found this thread. My mother died last Saturday. My sister and I and my niece and nephew spent the last week by her bedside and my sister and I were there as she died. She was 93 and her health had been failing, her memory was also going in the last year but her personality still very much the same.

I feel so empty really. My sister will probably be feeling the worst of it as she lived close and was my mother's primary carer in her last years but I saw every pretty much every week and we spoke on the phone often too.

I don't have any problems with my family at the moment. We are quite close but my father dies several years ago so the feeling of being an ' orphan' ridiculous as that sounds is proving very hard at the moment

. I can't really talk about that with family as my younger sister died in her 30s over 20 years ago and her children ( my niece and nephew who were at their grandmother s death bed) also lost their father in their teens so my loss is nothing compared to theirs (mother, father and two grandparents gone by their mid 20s) but I am finding it hard nonetheless.

My mother in particular was the one person in this world that I knew in my heart and soul loved me unconditionally and completely and was always on my side and now she is gone. I know I am lucky to have had that in my life for over 50 years but I miss it and her.

I’m so sorry to see you here Bumbling but glad you found us

I’m an ‘orphan’ too now, it is a very hard thing to come to terms with & must be especially difficult for you with your niece and nephew’s very sad situation.

Your last paragraph really resonated with me, thank you for posting that as it’s kind of summed up a lot of what I feel but can’t express.

Foxy I’m sorry this weekend was hard and I know what you mean about craving normality, I’m not back at work yet but think I will go back very soon as I’m just drifting along in limbo at the moment which is why I think everything feels so surreal.

Fuzzy I’ve found so many old photos too which is sad but lovely, I haven’t gone through them properly yet but will do soon and get them all scanned as well.

Love, hugs and handholds to all ❤️

I too used the words "I am now an orphan" this week. Strangely pleased that it just isn't me that feels this way. Almost as though I am now officially a grown up.

Yes Fuzzy that’s exactly how I feel too

I hope no-one minds me asking a practical question regarding house clearance, which for various other reasons I need to sort quite quickly. There’s only one local firm that does full house clearances & they quoted a figure which I thought was reasonable but they will keep any profit from the furniture. Mum didn’t have much (small house) and although it was decent quality it’s neither brand new nor antique/heirloom type stuff and is very much an older person’s taste so won’t appeal to many people. So I thought this sounded fine (obviously I’ll have already taken valuables and anything else I want to keep) but a couple of friends have mentioned that I should get valuations on the furniture in case they are ripping me off. Now in these days of gumtree, Facebook marketplace etc where you can get stuff for next to nothing I think I’d be lucky to make a couple of hundred especially as I need to sell & get it picked up asap. Has anyone else been through this and what did you do? I luckily don’t really need the money but don’t want to feel like someone’s taking advantage of me (and Mum!) either.

We didn’t end up getting much money for the furniture - we received under a grand for the full house including things like tv and radios. The furniture could all have been sold individually for more, but we weren’t around to do that. I feel bad about this sometimes but there was no choice.