Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Baileys, so sorry to hear of the loss of your DF and at such a young age too and so soon after diagnosis. I lost my own DF 18 months ago to the same disease but he was six months from diagnosis to passing. Like you I was holding it all together. For me it was to support my mum, organise the funeral and sort out all his paperwork. After the funeral, which was a month after his passing, I just suddenly went to pieces, as there was nothing to stay strong for any more. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to properly grieve, even if it is delayed. I hope you have someone in RL who can offer you comfort and support .

I feel broken. On the outside I probably look ok but inside I am broken.

DH is really suffering with his illness and he's not coping with the death of his mum. I am grieving my mum and just finding it all so very hard.

But I tell myself it won't always be like this and eventually things will be different. Mum's funeral is on Tuesday. I just want it to be over.

My mum died a week ago today. Seemed to be coping ok but today it’s really hit me. She had vascular dementia so it was expected.

My dad lives 6hrs away, so I spent time with him last week, but I’ve got to go back to work next week. Week after the kids go back to school so I can’t leave them and go and see my dad. I feel so stuck today. Dad is so sad and and my brother wants me to sort my Mum’s eulogy this afternoon with him. I’m dreading it. Funeral isn’t until early May which is another thing looming

I’m so sorry about your Mum WhoKnew does your brother or any other family live near your Dad or could you bring him back to stay with you for a while?

Fuzzy that is such a lot to cope with, wishing you and DH strength and sending hugs and handholds and I hope all goes ok tomorrow ❤️

Oh baileys, you poor thing. All so quick. My mum was just 62 when she died a few weeks ago. So unfair, too young. We had known my mum had incurable cancer (metastases from 14 years ago) since October 2017, but her terminal stage was 6 weeks. It went really fast.

Last week was hard for my. My son turned 4 and started school, and I really missed my mum. I feel a bit better now, but it comes and goes.

Thank you Annunciata. You're only the second person in the world to say that...and I appreciate it.
Why are the bereaved invisible?

Fuzzy, I was a friend about this last week. How the rituals for bereavement seem to have disappeared. She wore black for 2 months when her father died about 10 years ago, just to have some show of her mourning. We were talking about how having some rituals for the outside world would really help, as you don't function normally when you're mourning.

Good luck for tomorrow, I hope it's a beautiful farewell. You have a lot on your plate, so please be gentle on yourself.

Thank you foxy. Yes, DH and I also had this conversation aboiut mourning rituals being lost. You used to drape your house in black crepe, shut all the curtains and everyone knew to treat you with extra kindness.

We have had some lovely kindness though....out vicar came to our house yesterday and gave us home communion, which was lovely (and made me cry!) and other friends have wished us well for tomorrow., But it's not the same. When my dad died (10 years ago) I wore black between the death and the funeral and no-on even noticed.

I have my black suit out for tomorrow. Can't be doing with these "wear pink, " funerals. They feel wrong to me! (Not that Mum's is one of those and I know it is personal choice)

No idea yet when MIL's funeral is...it'll be well after Easter now.

We asked people to not wear black at mum's funeral. Mum's shroud was very colourful, so we asked family and close friends to wear something with a bit of colour. At my auntie's funeral she requested everyone to wear white. So my family is not the most traditional, and I feel that here in the Netherlands wearing black to a funeral seems on the way out. Lots of people wore jeans and a shirt.

I hope today goes well, Fuzzy

Thinking of you today Fuzzy

I’m not too bothered about being invisible as a bereaved person, but I don’t really like standing out or being the centre of attention for any reason and I don’t like to feel people are pitying me either - sympathy and empathy yes definitely but not pity. I think it’s maybe because it’s just me family wise who’s bereaved, if I had a big family and we were all mourning together I might feel differently. I do remember us being much more formal with my Dad but Mum was still alive and the extended family were well enough to come over then and wanted to follow traditions.

I do wear a lot of black at all times though - choosing an outfit for Mum’s funeral was one thing I had no problem with.

It’s a year since my mum died and I wish there was some kind of ritual, way of marking it - I mean I obviously can do that in my own way but I think some religions have a service after a year? And in days of old maybe you would move out of your mourning clothes or something. Other than dh no one around me will know why it’s such a bad time.

Coming up towards a year since my mum became ill and passed away a couple of months later. Such a shock from no warning that it still seems unthinkable. Just echoing what others have said about the low level suffering alone. Just missing someone and grieving but life has to go on. Young family to entertain over Easter all the usual things but no one realises you are doing them carrying a rock on your back. Yes it’s not always as bad sometimes you even enjoy a day overall but it’s there,one memory and tears will come always at the back of the throat. So hard.

So sad to be joining this thread. My mum passed away suddenly last Thursday. We were on holiday in the Caribbean. I'd spoken to her earlier in the day and she was hopeful of coming home the next day (was in with a chest infection.) dad left the hospital at 8pm, and all was well. By the time he had got home he had an answerphone message saying to go straight back..she'd already gone.
I am broken. She was my best friend...

Hi missy. So sorry. My mum passed away 4 months ago unexpectedly (except she was older) as she was full of beans and not unwell - really out of the blue. The shock and having to get home from so far away will have been tough for you. Hugs to you and your family. This thread has been a really wonderful place of support and place to say whatever needs to be said.

I meant to say my ma was also my very best friend and that is hard. I’m finding as a little time has gone on that I also have comfort about that and from time to time think ‘ma would have wanted me to be ok’ or similar thoughts - they help a bit.

HI all. It seems ages since I was here. So sad to see more people have had to join - lots of love to everyone.

So, DH and I had a week away in Portugal together which was nice - but I still cant shake off the cloak of sadness. In the past week I've been laughing a lot and kind of feeling 'ok' then I just plunge again. Its all very new still I guess - not even three months. We got the final probate through last week so now I guess I have to give some to my witch sister. If she had any morals at all, she would refuse it, so I may holding on to it until I hear from her that she wants it. I have checked and it is fine to hold back for up to six months apparently. I hate her sooo much, she made my mums last 7 years so desperately sad and her last three months she visited three times for around 15 minutes each time. The anger is still there which I hate feeling but that's how it is..

Apart from that, I have managed to stay sane(ish!) and life really does go on.

My mum's funeral was a lovely send off. Excellent celebrant, plenty of music and poetry and a really good eulogy from my nephew.

Now I just feel sad and tired and old.

Missy I am so sorry you are joining us here.

Fuzzy and Heron, thanks for the welcome. Today was hard...vicar came round to go through the order of service, and tomorrow our ex-vicar/family friend is coming to write the eulogy which he will deliver. Mum was very religious, so we felt it right that he do the eulogy. He married myself and my husband, christened my son, and more importantly, I l(and mum!) liked him more than current one
One of the hardest things is seeing my dad in so much pain, mum died the day before their golden wedding.

Oh Missy that is terribly sad. I'm so so sorry. Its not an easy road. I hope you will find peace and help from the vicar and eventually the funeral x

I’m so sorry about your Mum missy it must have been awful getting that call when you were so far away

My Mum was very religious too and the priest that did her service and eulogy was also a good friend of hers, I got a lot of comfort from talking to him and I hope you do too with the vicar.

I’m glad your Mum got a lovely send off Fuzzy

Sorry to hear about your troubles with your sister Lepetit I’ve struggled with being the only child through all of this but when I hear about siblings like yours it makes me realise being an only isn’t that bad.

Once again we come to another weekend where we would possibly be spending time with our mums / dads. Yet another time where we have to put on a brave face , when really all we want to do is cry. I have the added thing in that it will be my mums birthday on Saturday.
It's all so sad when these special events come round and we feel the aching sadness because we have someone we loved is missing.
But try and remember the happier Easter's you have spent in the past, and hopefully you will all be in the company of children or friends / partners and that will hopefully help enormously.
I wish you all the best weekend that's possible in these circumstances. 💐

Thank you Mummylin my Mum absolutely loved Easter & much preferred it to Christmas. I think I feel more sad that she’s missing it all than I am for myself missing her if that makes sense.

Hugs and handholds to all who need one 💐 ❤️💐

Yes. We'd have had her over and I would have grumbled about it and we would have got the garden ready with a chair and a cushion for her poor thin bones and had a lovely dinner and I would have bought the Daily Mail (she never understood why we didn't like it!) The grandchildren may have popped over and it would actually, despite my moaning about it, have been lovely and she would have loved it and phoned me to say thank you. I'd never moan about having to collect her again if I could have one more day.

It's becoming real now..her funeral is on weds..dreading it. Can't believe I'll never speak to her again

I know. But you will be ok. It's going to be hard but you'll get through it.