Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

@Mummylin beautiful, generous and wise words - thank-you!

My Mum's encouragement is one of the things I miss the most. Oh, and her giggle. She had a great laugh.

Thank you Mummylin beautiful and wise words indeed

I have organised Mum’s funeral. She was religious so I’ve arranged a church service in the local church but I’m panicking now that there will hardly be anyone there.

I’m an only child with no kids myself, none of the family from overseas are able to travel due to age and ill health, the same goes for Mum’s other friends who are not local. She only moved to where she lives now fairly recently which isn’t near where I live so apart from a couple of neighbours (also elderly) I don’t even know who to invite or how to contact them.

I know the church service would be the most important thing for Mum but I’m sad that it’s going to be a tiny handful of people in this great big church and I feel bad that I can’t do better for her.

She’s being cremated afterwards, I think it might just be me at that which I don’t mind but the church bit is worrying me.

I haven’t arranged any kind of wake or reception for after either - if I knew people were coming and would want that I would have been happy to arrange something but as it is I don’t see the point if no-ones going to be there. It just all feels a bit shit though

Is it possible that you could put a small notice in the paper in the area your mum lived ? And maybe a couple of the nurses who looked after her could attend. Her friends from her church she attended ? I'm wracking my brains to think ! How sad that you could have no-one there to support you. What part of the world do you live. Not the exact area just roughly.

The church are going to announce it and put it in their bulletins and news letters so hopefully some of the congregation will attend, but I might try the local paper too, the funeral director asked about that but I wasn’t sure if anyone got or read papers any more but I guess my Mum’s generation will do.

She lived in rural Wales which makes the logistics so difficult (especially for the elderly) as it’s not an easy part of the world to get to & virtually impossible if you don’t drive.

I have a very good friend living not too far away who knew my Mum too & will be there to support me, one of Mum’s neighbours has been absolutely fantastic and we’ve become quite close through all this & she’ll be there so I won’t be completely alone.

I think I’m just a bit gutted that none of the family are coming but I can understand it would be a lot of them given their own ages/health etc.

Its very difficult if it's not an easy place to travel from. But even if they can't attend the funeral, I'm sure they will be thinking about your dear mum. I do hope that at least a few can be there so you don't feel so alone. It may work out better than you think. But for tonight, stop worrying and try and relax a bit, there is nothing you can do right this minute. Put your feet up for a bit. 💐

You’re right Mummylin there’s no point fretting about it. Mum was a very quiet soul who never liked a big fuss made about anything and wasn’t a person who liked big gatherings, she always said she wanted a small and simple funeral. As long as there’s a few in the church and she gets the religious service she would have wanted I’m hoping she would have been happy with that.

Annunciata - my mum was clear I’m her later years that she wanted just four of us at her funeral (and then a memorial type thing later on). So different but the funeral was really very lovely in that it was intimate. No sense of being ‘on show’ which can be stressful for some or surrounded by somemyou don’t know etc.

My sister and I had a bit of an unexpected laugh about something at one point, we could tell the vicar felt able to be a bit freeer and there was some lovely irreverence (oo there’s a word for a vicar) in his eulogy which we had talked about before and which mum would have loved. the vicar said it had been one of the best funerals he had taken because of all of this.

Just trying to say it will be lovely because you will be there for and with love for your mum and it sounds as though she would have liked a quiet funeral. Her friends and family will think of her. If there is an order of service or similar keep some to send - that will help connect everyone or take photo of the church to send so family can picture where it was etc. That might help you feel connected and surrounded by family love on the day?
Sending you good wishes. It does get easier.

The local paper is still used for funeral announcements and read (avidly) by many including my mil and (formerly) by my dm. You just phone and put an announcement in.
I am refusing to go to mil’s for mother’s day and feel this might be unfair on dh, but I feel quite (unreasonably) cross with people who have mothers this year. (We will see her the day before, am not completely heartless!)

Thank you Heron that is really re-assuring to hear your Mum had a lovely small and intimate funeral

Even if it’s just me, my friend (who my Mum loved) and Mum’s good friend/neighbour it will be lovely and I think (hope) what she would have preferred knowing the type of person she was.

I think wanting family/more people to come is more for my sake than hers and I’m comparing to funerals I’ve been to recently which have been massive with jam packed churches & a big wake afterwards, which is not what Mum would have wanted. I just need to keep remembering that.

lggion I will definitely look into putting something in the local paper too thank you, as there may well be people locally who knew her & would genuinely want to be there but I have no way of letting them know.

Having been on MN for quite a number of years I feel almost sad to find myself on this page

My dad died six weeks ago. After 2 weeks off I was back at work

It wasn't unexpected but I am finding it hard to not revisit his last moments. The actual last 20 mins of watching him die whilst we held his hands

How long until this memory fades?

Hello Mesoavocado I am sorry you are joining us. I'm not sure how to answer your question really. Everyone is so different. It could be that you never forget, but it would hopefully fade so the thoughts weren't so upsetting, or it could be that as time goes on, the good memories wipe out the sad ones. But you are only six weeks down the line so it is still very early days for you at the moment.
I would suggest that if you are still bothered by this in a few months, that you go and see a professional to help you through this sad time
💐

Mesoavacado - sorry you've joined us here.

I still see my dad's face during the last week, but mostly the good bits, and much less the not so good. It has been 5 years though.

With my DM I wasn't there, but video chatted with her 2 days before and I'm almost sorry I did. That's hard to revisit.

The good memories will come, in time. Those memories will sustain us. I hope.

@Mesoavocado so sorry to hear about your loss. It is currently a painful memory. I was distraught at one point because the image of my Dad in his coffin would not fade. It took a while but now that image is actually hard to conjur up. I was advised to look at some photos and we also have video. If it's not too painful for you it might work for you too.

I did go back to see him at the funeral home and felt a bit more at peace as he looked more like himself but I find it very hard to sleep as my mom can't switch off to going back to that moment.

I guess I haven't really grieved yet. Just got on with what needed done and back to work. Life goes on and now I feel almost guilty that I haven't stopped to think more about it.

But what good would that do. Won't bring him back. Won't cure cancer. So I go onwards and makes plans and continue as before

Obviously my mind not my mom??

I’m so sorry Meso

My mum passed very peacefully and in the way she would have wanted so I find that memory comforting, it’s some of the earlier stuff from the time she was in hospital I’m finding it hard to deal with and trying not to think about. I’m still in the busy phase so it’s not too bad at the moment with all the other ‘stuff’ I need to get done, I think I’ll struggle with it further down the line.

Looking at photos and videos is a good idea, I don’t have many recent ones of my Mum as she absolutely hated having her photo taken (so do I so can’t blame her for that!) but I have found a load of albums from when she was younger that I’m planning to go through and will have some of them framed to make sure I have happy memories around me.

MISS MY MUM SO DARN MUCH
I dont know if you can help. My bestest friend, my
Gorgeous Mum died on Tuesday. I cant believe I am writing these words.
I am not a Mum, but I hope you dont mind.
I feel broken and empty. I cant see anyone outside of very immediate family, nor talk either.

My Mum and dad got divorced when I was 11. My step dad has been wonderful with Mum. We were alone together for three years, we had, have a bond that transcended Mum and Daughter. I was ao lucky.
Her funeral is on 10 April, she was 77.
I dont want my husbands parents, both mid 80s to stay with us for the days before during and after the funeral. They will be travelling a big distance in the UK, by plane as usual. I just dont want to look after them. I dont want them staying in my house. I will want time alone. Is this unfair?
I am trying to find photos of Mum and I cant, I cant find the lifetime of memories either.

I am finding her cards to me which she sent, gorgeous words. I wish I nad sent her more.
Sorry for long post, I am not coping at all well x

So sorry to hear about your Mum Cafeuno1.

It's such a difficult time.

I'd say it is absolutely okay to suggest a hotel for your Inlaws. We did for my Mum's funeral. There is obviously the whole issue of having to play host which you will be unlikely to feel like - some people find it a distraction but I wont have. Also there is the getting ready on the day. Our house is okay size wise but we'd have had so many people getting ready that I just couldn't imagine it.

We actually went and had breakfast with them whilst we paid a company to clean the house. I couldn't do it but as people were arriving at ours from all other felt it needed doing.

The photos are there as are your memories. Just give yourself time. They will come back when you are least expecting it. It's easy for me to say I know as I panicked about it both times with Dad and Mum but they have.

Sending a virtual hug.

Can I suggest that you are coping, as feeling distraught is completely natural at this point. one day at a time

You are all in my thoughts today 💐

Hope everyone is doing okay today my OH is running a half marathon today which is a nice distraction for me at the moment but I feel like it will hit me this afternoon. Hugs to everyone.

Big hugs to everyone

Thinking of everyone today xxx

It's funny but I'm not really struggling today - I miss her every day, I missed her yesterday and I'll miss her tomorrow. Lots of lovely friends have messaged me to send their thoughts which is really touching but I feel a bit...detached.

We're going for a quiet curry tonight as DS is back from university and DH and I are off on holiday tomorrow which I'm hoping will help. At least I know will be able to just go away and be on my own if I need to.
Lots of thoughts to you all. Whatever the day is, it can be shit.