Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Oh Button, I'm sorry to hear your news. You were going with your son today, were you not? That's really hard. Caring for him for all that time, what a lovely daughter you are. He was a lucky man. 💐

buttonup so sorry

So sorry to hear that buttonup

So sorry buttonup to hear that news.

Today is my Mum's birthday. Our first without her so I actually dont know if I should say would have been or is or.....

It feels so odd not to celebrate and - although I'm not surprised in one sense - I am a little shaken by the wave of grief that has engulfed me again today.

My DH remembered and a good friend got in touch which was lovely. It's just strange that other people haven't been in touch. Not because I think they should for a 'non-birthday' but because if she were here she'd have been surrounded by people making sure she felt special and I hate not being able to do that today.

We are planning a family get together so we will celebrate her in a way.

I just needed to have this 'conversation' with people who I knew would understand how hard today is.

Much love to everyone.

I am sorry too buttonup. I wasn't with mum either and it saddened me to be honest, but I like to think she waited and slipped away without wanting to hurt or upset us more. Lots of thoughts to you, its very painful xxx

NWQM I am sorry. That’s familiar from when my dad died. Hadn't yet remembered that this will now happen on my mum’s birthday.
Hugs to you.

Thank you all for the kind words. Waves of grief are hitting me with a great force. My DS's have taken it well. My DH is as always being amazing but is very upset. I am a lucky lady.
Thinking of everyone on here, grief is all consuming.

Hello everyone. I am sure that for those of you who have only recently lost your mum, you will be getting fearful and upset as next weekend gets nearer. It will be a very sad day for you all, as is the first of any of the important days for each of you.
It is tough when you see so many mums and daughters in the shops together, and seeing all the Mother's Day cards on the shelves.
I still get my mum a card and take it to the Crem. It's not an ordinary card made from card it's a laminated one and it says usually something like " remembering a special mum on Mother's Day " you can buy these in Clinton's. It helps me a bit.
I hope that with your families around you, that you will cope with the day.
So very sorry to see so many others joining us on this thread 💐💐

My lovely Mum has just passed away. She was 82 but had been healthy, independent and sharp as a tack up till the end of last month. She was rushed into hospital earlier this month for an emergency op as and sadly never really recovered.

She died very peacefully this morning holding my hand and I must admit after seeing her in pain and distress this last couple of weeks I am glad she went when she did as there wasn’t really much hope that she’d make a full recovery or have any quality of life.

I think it’s maybe not sunk in properly yet but I feel quite calm too at the moment, I’m sure it will hit me at some point though.

So sorry to see this Annunciata I expect it hasn't sunk in just yet as it's only a matter of hours. It is such a sad time, but as you say now your mum is at peace and not struggling anymore.
Do take care of yourself, I think I recognise your name and if I'm correct I think you have a largish family which will help you get through this sad time.
There will always be someone here to chat to if the need arises. 💐

Thank you Mummylin you’re right it hasn’t really sunk in yet.

I’m an only child and the extended family are in another country, plus I lived a couple of hours away from Mum & she moved here fairly recently so I don’t really know this area at all.

I do have some local friends plus Mum’s friends (she was very active in the church) for support thankfully.

I’m a bit at a loss as to how to sort everything out financially and legally as I don’t think Mum had made a will and she was very resistant to involving me in anything like that, as she was healthy physically and mentally till very recently I didn’t push her on it though with hindsight of course I should have done.

Well you have to get a death certificate , you may need more than one copy. If you know her bank they may be able to help you by telling you what has to be paid , I'm not sure about that. You could look amongst any papers she may have around for a bank statement and you could see if she paid a regular sum for something. If your mum had any insurance , you will need a copy of death certificate for that. I'm not at all sure what you do when there is no will. Maybe someone else can tell you about that part of it. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. 💐

Sorry to hear about your lovely Mum, Annunciata.

Adding my thoughts. It is a difficult time, but you will get through it. Practicalities seem overwhelming at first but people like registrars and funeral directors, banks etc, really are used to those who don't have a clue ( as I didn't!) and will be really helpful. Deep breaths and let yourself be as sad as you need x

Annunciata333 - sonsorry you are here and hugs for the loss of your mum. Hugs too to everyone at different stages of love and loss.
Practically as op said you will get a huge amount of advice from everyone you now deal with. There’s good advice online re what to do in your situation - now forgotten the site I saw. Back in a mo.

Moneyadviceservice.org.uk has some good straightforward advice about what you need to do, find, deal with. There’s also good online uk.gov advice re the process of registering the death and getting death certificates etc.
Having just been through it all a bit of advice - if you have days when you can do practical things, do them - there will be days (on end) when you simply can’t do anything to do with it all. Lots of things can wait. One thing I wish I had done earlier were some of the ultility/pension calls/forms - would have saved hassle of repayments/refunds etc.
Most services you now need to get in touch with have ‘bereavement’ departments who will help you. All I’ve been in touch with have been spectacular other than BT who were beyond awful and who yet again I vow never to have anything to do with !
Sorry for practical post. Be gentle with yourself. It will all no doubt sink in in odd ways in unexpected ways over the next days/weeks/months. 4 months on I don’t really fully understand that my mum died.

Thank you all and thank you for the practical advice too, that is very helpful and I’ll take a look now.

All I know at the moment is I need to call the hospital’s bereavement dept later this morning, one of my friends asked yesterday if I’d contacted the funeral directors yet, I thought you needed the death certificate for that which shows how clueless I am!

I should remember more from when my Dad died but Mum was still youngish (in her 60s) and pretty much sorted everything herself so my memories of the practicalities are very hazy.

I don’t want to start turning off utilities etc yet as if people do travel from overseas for the funeral some of them might need to stay here at Mum’s house and I still need a local ‘base’ for the time being too, especially as I need to try and sort through/find her paperwork which may take some time....

I’m still feeling strangely calm - I’m not sure when it’s going to hit me but I’m going to take your advice Heron and try to sort out as much of the practical stuff while I can.

@Annunciata333 so sorry for the loss of your mum. My mum died suddenly last month and being on here helped me a lot. I sorted out the funeral and the paperwork etc myself and I think that’s what kept me going at the beginning. I had the meeting with the funeral director well before I got the death certificate. In fact my mum had to have a post mortem so it was a while before I could register her death and that didn’t stop making any arrangements with the funeral director. Also when I did get the death certificate I could use the “tell us once” service online which was really useful to inform HMRC, benefits, passport office and lots of other departments. Still had to do lots of ringing around for utilities and things though. Sending lots of good thoughts your way, it’s an awful time.

I am so not coping right now. I think the reality that she isn't here has kicked in - I thought I was ready and prepared and having spent three months watching her slowly die and lose her mind, albeit in a gentle and lovely way ( if that makes sense) and then having the last week when she was unconscious so I 'knew' she was about to go; followed by the funeral planning, the paperwork, the estate, the busyness....now, 7 weeks on I am completely bereft. I just want to talk to her. I have a blog and on it I have been recording every day since she got ill. The last entry was just a list of all the things I will never do again with and for and around her and it has really jolted me.
DH is fabulous but I'm sure he's getting fed up with me crying all the time and work are amazing - I try to keep it in but they know I am quieter and sadder. We're off on holiday next week, just DH and I and I'm just not feeling it. I just want to feel well.

You will feel well lepit. My dad died 2 years ago my mum just 4 months ago. I am holding onto the fact that I am ok (sad but ok) about my dad when I realise that I’m really floored still about my mum. Frankly I really haven’t taken it in - if someone told me it had all been a dream or some kind of mad mistake I’d accept that quite easily and quite calmly I think. It’s crazy. You will feel better. So will I.
You’ve had a lot to let go what with dealing with her dying for so long ( well done you). I’m the other side of the coin where my mum died out of the blue very suddenly (other than being elderly) but she was full of beans and sharp as anything and then just gone.
Hmmm
Even if it’s a slightly subdued holiday I’m sure it will help. Even just being away will do things in the whole grief process. Currently when I go anywhere out of London I still think ‘ I’ll just let mum know where I am and how to get in touch’.
everyone. We’ll all get through somehow.

Thank you

@Lepetitpiggy It's so hard. Sending a virtual hug.

and virtual hugs Lepetitpiggy

That must have been so hard over 3 months, I had a couple of weeks with my Mum being very ill in hospital and found that really, really tough. Hopefully the break from work will do you good as at least you won’t have to hold it together there and it sounds like you have a lovely DH.

I’m still in the planning/sorting/busy-ness phase which is why I think I’m so calm, one of my friends who lost her Dad last year reckons it’s a self defence mechanism that kicks in so you can do what needs to be done which makes sense, but I’m definitely waiting for the other shoe to drop, just hope it’s not till after the funeral.

Heartfelt sympathy to all of you who are struggling to cope. It is tough in the early days, but I promise that in time things do get better. You will never forget or stop loving but you will all learn to accept it. You will all also learn to continue on with your lives, even though it can never be the same. Eventually there will be light at the end of this long dark tunnel. But the grieving process sadly has to be gone through, we can't avoid it and I know from my own experience how awful it is. I know my mum would not want me to be sad, but I don't know how you can stop this.just get through each day as best as you can, in the early days that is a real hard task isn't it.
Do all take care of yourselves , don't miss meals etc and make sure you get enough sleep.
Some of you may like to go and see a bereavement counsellor, it wasn't for me, but for others it's a massive help. 💐💐💐💐