Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

@wannabebetter I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand what you mean - after we'd got through the funeral and the paperwork, I weirdly expected it all to be over and my dad to be back as well. It's a strange, strange process, but all you can do is take it a day at a time (sorry if that seems trite). Keep posting here, ramble as much as you like - we'll listen and hold your hand

We adopted a new rescue dog yesterday and I got a big flutter of excitement at the prospect of taking him up to introduce him to my dad, and then a big crash when I realised I couldn't. My dad loved dogs, and our beloved old boy used to come and visit him at the nursing home several times a week. I hope they're together now.

wannabe really sorry you are going through this too. Think all I can say is do whayeber seems right and possible (gp/sleeping tabs/ bereavement leave or just seeing how things go one day at a time). My lovely ma died 3 1/2 months ago (can’t believe it’s been so long). I didn’t take much leave at the time but have, recently, as it was all sinking in a few weeks ago. I am struggling a lot (much much more than the weeks right after) and like you it can come for no reason at all. Had full on sob in a wine bar recently (before wine!) luckily it was half empty and don’t think anyone but my dp even noticed. It’s so tough !

Hugs to everyone and also spiderlight’s new dog. Could we ‘adopt’ him as some kind of therapy dog ? - even just thinking about a new rescue dog made me feel better.

@wannabebetter I am so sorry that you lost your dad. It’s just an absolutely rubbish time. My mum died suddenly on the 12th February and it was her funeral on Monday. I totally get what you are saying about keeping busy before the funeral. I was on auto pilot, ringing around, organising the funeral, emptying her flat. Now the funeral has gone I feel awful, much much worse than last week. I was in tears in the pound shop this morning. I think it’s just minute by minute, hour by hour at the moment. If you feel you need time off work you must do what is right for you. This board has helped me lots.

Sorry to read your sad news @wannabebetter . This thread is good for support as and when you need it

So sorry wannabe to hear about your dad, with regards to work id do whatever you felt the need to do, it is about riding the waves in these early times. like you I felt like the actual finality of the situation didn't hit me until long after the funeral as we were so busy organising, looking after our grandparents and then I was poorly in hospital so it was in the calm after the storm that I finally sat back and thought shit she isn't coming back, and its an awful feeling.

this thread is great to get the thoughts out of your head and share, it will get that the waves become more manageable

@HeronLanyon - that's a lovely idea! He's called Eddie and he's a cocker spaniel who had to go into rescue because his family had a poorly newborn baby and felt that they didn't have the time he needed. He's very funny and makes lots of silly noises, and I'm sure he would be happy to be a virtual therapy dog because he loves everybody. The rescue gave him a fairly drastic haircut after this photo was taken but you can see why we fell in love with him.

My mum died yesterday. It was very much expected and I am actually absolutely fine. But it feels so strange.
I can’t get the death certificate for a few days so I really am twiddling my thumbs and watching daytime tv crap.

So sorry, Orchardgreen. Even when it's expected, it's still a huge adjustment.

@spiderlight he's adorable. How old is he? Funny you should say this .. I'm considering a puppy. If life an orange roan cocker. I wondered though if it was me desperately trying to divert my attentions though. We have a lot to give a dog but not rushing into anything

@Orchardgreen sorry to read that. These first weeks are hard and weird. I often feel absolutely fine. But it's always there.

I wore my mums lovely jacket to work today and it was strange but comforting. The idea of ash jewelry does not speak too me, yet I have a bag of 'treasure' - comb, curlers, specs, a purse etc. That feels precious. It all does really, at the beginning. One day further down the road it will be easier to sort through.

So hard for all of us. 💐

orchard I am so sorry. Sounds trite but I am discovering the pure truth of ‘one day at a time’ !
spiderlight what an absolute poppet - thank you so much - always brightens my day meeting new doggy and now more than ever.
Just this morning realised I’d been kind of holding myself in or back from getting on with life. Mum died 3 months ago and these last few weeks have been tough. Actually said out loud ‘mum let me know it’s ok to carry on without you’. Even just saying that kind of helped me realise and think I need to give myself permission to step back into proper life and a little bit out of this horrid fog of confused knackered sorrow.
Usually I’m really organised and capable and can multitask etc. Right now I’m none of those things and can just about do the basics!! It’s kind of knocked me sideways.
Hugs to everyone going through this crap.

Thanks to all of you and hugs to you all - It's really comforting to know others are feeling exactly the way I am and I'm not actually going around the bend!! 2018 I get it - I've been wearing a pair of my dad's PJs to bed all week!! spider what a beautiful boy Eddie is! My Dad has a little dog who has been bereft - mum keeps trying to give her treats but she sits and stares at his chair before taking them (he always gave her the treats!). It seems a common theme that the pain seems to get worse before it (hopefully) gets better. This is a great thread - so glad I've found you all xxx

@MegaBat He's 8 1/2 but he acts much younger! Very wiggly and puppyish.

What a lovely dog spiderlight - thank you for sharing.

Wannabe - your dad died the same day as my mum. Because of the way the days/weeks fall, 9th March is a Saturday too, and it feels odd coming up to this weekend. I've been struggling a bit this week - back to not sleeping well. It's not a one way street (I know everyone says that). My sympathies to you, orchard just starting on this road.

I've decided this week to stop drinking as I felt it was getting a bit too much of a habit/crutch - I normally don't drink during the week but like a glass or two of wine at the weekend. When Mum was very ill and immediately after she died, I did find a glass of wine helped and was drinking most nights - probably still only just over the recommended 14units a week, but I was worrying that it was a slippery slope. Have also put on weight because of comfort eating and not exercising enough. So I'm going to try and stop that too. I need to find some alternative comforts that aren't bad for my health. Gentle/unchallengingTV works to some extent, but then I find myself expecting to have a chat with Mum about it (she did like MasterChef and we often chatted about that) - and that sets me off again.

dotty yes, I can't believe almost a month has passed! I too am drinking / eating too much of the wrong stuff and will need to take myself in hand, but not ready to put myself through it just yet.... My v 'strong northern' mum is doing so, so well and I feel quite ashamed to be so teary so much of the time still, but I know we need to be kind to ourselves and just go with it....
Love to you and to all on this thread x

Hello everyone, so sorry to hear of the losses of new posters on here.

It was Dad’s funeral on Wednesday. The saddest and hardest day I’ve ever experienced. But we gave him a thoroughly lovely send off. It was comforting being surrounded by people who loved him so dearly and we talked about him and celebrated his life all day.

Now I’m really struggling. With no funeral arrangements to focus on/distract myself with, his loss feels even more immense. I miss him so very much. I can’t get over feeling robbed. Dad was a young at heart, active 72. I wished I’d had him longer. That his grandchildren could have made more memories. Then I feel guilty as many people lose their parents at a much younger age so know I should feel lucky for having him as long as I did... So many conflicting emotions. I still don’t believe it has all happened and he is gone.

Jumping back after a mad busy week at work. Had to take dd to a and e yesterday (all ok) but it was so hard going to the same hospital I spent every day for four weeks visiting mum at in November. It was obviously the same and e they took her to after her stroke too. Its been a hard up and down week, we still haven't managed to collect her ashes and I'm panicking they'll throw them away! They won't will they??
DH is taking me away for a night tomorrow - which will be lovely but I will twitch about housework and being away, fairly normal for me! A change of scene will do us good though. Eldest dd finally told my grandson that 'gate gamma' hadn't managed to get better and was loving him from the sky - apparently he waved at her and thanked her for moving the sun out of his eyes. So sweet.
Life moves on but slowly and differently.

Oh Piggy - what a week you've had. Don't worry, they will keep her ashes safe. Our funeral director assured me of that (we still don't have the paperwork through for the interment). He said they'd hold on to them for as long as it took.

Your grandson sounds adorable

He is a little sweetheart. She had tried to hold off telling him but yesterday he said 'I think we need to see gate gamma because she will be missing us' and she couldn't keep it in anymore.
Its still so hard, but I guess I knew it would be.

I’m wondering how long anyone has waited for the death certificate after a death in hospital? Mum died on Tuesday, the bereavement office said it will be “ a few days” and they would ring me.
I can’t do anything without it, and I’m just twiddling my thumbs.

@Orchardgreen I’m sorry I don’t know about death certificates from hospital. I can empathise with the waiting though. My mum had to have a post mortem so I had to wait about 10 days until I could register her death. It’s a very strange time.

I’m not having a good weekend. I seem to be fixating on the little things that I know logically don’t matter but they are taking over my mind. We cleared my mum’s flat very quickly as the council wanted it back and I’m now regretting some things I didn’t keep. She had a lovely Queen’s Jubilee tea set that my Aunty took to charity and I can’t get it out of my mind. Logically I can think we had to nowhere to keep it safe and it was just “stuff” but then I think it was up to me to look after it. I really want to know what my mum would have wanted but of course I’ll never know. I have got other things I kept and I guess I need to focus on them.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m wondering about counselling.

I don't know either I'm afraid. We did the registering at the registry office so got a few copies there.
Sorry to hear that minicat. I totally understand. Also thinking about counselling but according to someone I spoke to, they recommend waiting for three months or so as that is considered a 'normal' grieving time. Not sure how true or realistic that is! All I have wanted to do is talk abut how fucking awful I feel so would love someone I haven't half bored to death already to talk to.

DH and I had a night away this weekend, which was very nice and relaxing but I still feel like sobbing most of the time. Its all so hard.
Had a lovely letter and cheque to a charity I'd mentioned from some of the ladies mum was friends with at her flats. They came to the funeral too so that was very nice to come back to...although made me cry again!!

Lots of thoughts to everyone going through this horrible time xx

@minicat79 poor you. I think it's a good idea to focus on the precious bits you do have. I'm sure your mum wouldn't have expected you to keep everything so don't feel guilty at all. I've been clearing my mums stuff out bit by bit at my dads request which has been hard. She was a shopper extraordinaire and the stuff she has is just amazing. So much! I've kept her jewellery as it was her pride and joy. I've kept her Lalique ornaments as they're valuable. The rest I'm having to be ruthless with but it's hard. I want to keep everything!

Hi all, I don’t really know where I’m going with this but I suppose I’m looking for someone to make sense of my mind at the minute and tell me it will be ok! My lovely mum died last August, it was very sudden, I left her at 3pm and she was completely fine and then at 6pm she just went, no warning at all. Anyway. I was pregnant with DS and he is now 8 weeks old, I have a DD too who is 2. I don’t really know how to be anymore. I was very close to my mum and spoke to her about almost everything. I kinda feel now like I’m a boat without a paddle and I’ve changed. my DH has been brilliant and a rock but admitted tonight he wants me back. Trouble is I can’t remember how I was before. I’m worried that I’ve started to wallow and gone beyond normal grief. The only thing making me smile are my two DC but I know it’s affecting how I am with them too as when I’m home with them both on my own I get overwhelmed very quickly. I have siblings I am very close to and we talk often but they’re all suffering too and we don’t really help eachother out of our moods. Has anyone any advice? How or when did you ‘pick yourself up’ there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about my mum and when I do i can’t control the tears. I feel like I need to get my head together for the sake of my family but don’t now how. Sorry for the rambling post!