Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Carlin, I'm so sorry for your loss, and how you're feeling. I can't really help from the 'is this normal' perspective, because it's been much less time for me since I lost my mum - only a month. But I can see that life must be really tough with two little ones and your loss. Do you have a sympathetic HV you could speak to?

My kids are teenagers now, so it's a distant memory, but I found going from one DC to two really tough and was a little depressed for a while - feeling overwhelmed, wondering if life would ever be 'right' again, secretly wishing we'd stopped at one DC (I don't think that any more and haven't since those first hard few months). And you've got bereavement to cope with at the same time. I was really struck by what you said about not knowing how to be any more - you've had to navigate the loss of your mum while preparing yourself for the new life of your baby, which must have had a huge impact on your grieving. Could you find someone outside the family to talk to? A slightly more distant friend? Or counselling? (Don't know anything about how that works but other people on here do). I've been going through redundancy at the same time as the loss of my mum and went out for coffee last week with a friend of a friend who doesn't know me really well but who has relevant HR experience and talking to her helped me more than dozens of conversations with closer friends as she helped me get a fresh perspective.

(BTW - I don't think you should think of it as 'wallowing' as that implies self-indulgence, and it's really not that - it's a tough combination of circumstances)

@Carlin poor you. You're being very hard on yourself. I think some of this may be being made worse by the fact you have two such young children - you'll have the whole post-natal adjusting going on right now so that's probably heightening the overwhelming feelings

My mum died last month. I'm generally ok. Not sure! I've just re read the line ' my mum died' and my brain instantly went ' god wow, she did!' and it just feels so strange. We also spoke every single day so it's been tough.

I am certain you will indeed feel normal again. You really will. But right now you need to take it one day at a time. You're not wallowing. There's no time limit on this stuff

My lovely mom and my best friend passed away yesterday. I just feel lost. I've lived with and cared for her (and she cared for me) since my dad died in 2011.

I have a husband and a 4 year old but my mom has always been my strength and support as I have battled with mental health issues since I was a teenager.

My heart is breaking.. not for her as she went peacefully with me cuddling her but for myself. I literally don't know how to live without her.

Sleepingstars so sorry you lost your mum. It is just horrendous. I hope you have someone to take care of you in the next while 💐

@sleepingstarsmommy I am so sorry that your mum has died. It’s just heartbreaking. My mum died one month ago and I still feel like I am wandering around, feeling numb.

sleepingstar I am sending you thought s and a hug. I am so sorry. I recently lost my own lovely ma who was also my closest ‘friend’ - we were very similar and ‘got each other’. It is tough and it will be tough for you but can I say that you can get through it. I have had weeks where I just have to thing ‘one day at a time’. Sometimes ‘one hour at a time’. Can’t tell you how that can help. Let people know how you feel. Ask for help or accept it. We are all stronger than we ever knew andnthat is something to be proud of and I’m thinking your mum would be proud of you for coping - not all the time, but overall.

sleeping also hugs to you. Hugs to all of us going through grief.
My mum had a life in which music was paramount. Sorting through sheet music and research notes and concert notes ( her own and others) yesterday I found her ‘music reading glasses’ and it completely floored me. Not real she’s gone nearly 4 months on.
But getting through it - she’d not want different. Kind of trying to step up and be ok in her memory/honour at the moment.
Hugs all.
This thread is so supportive and helpful to unload some ‘stuff’ too

I'm so glad I found this thread. I lost my 91 year old mum at the end of January. I am, or thought I was, a "strong, independent woman". I've lost my dad many years ago and 8 years ago lost my husband. I won't say I sailed through those events but always found I had something or someone to focus on, but losing mum has totally floored me and brought back all the unexpressed grief from before, especially for my husband. I am completely overwhelmed at work too which isn't helping. I totally understand the "one day at a time" but don't think others understand.

Having a few bad days this week! Mum was not a gambling woman but she loved watching horse racing and always had a wee flutter on the Grand National and usually the gold cup at Cheltenham. She would get tips from my uncle or cousin and pass them on to me. Don't think I have the heart for watching it this year, though I'm sure she's looking down at me telling me to have a go! Who will I discuss the ladies day outfit winner with now .

Hi all. Lots of thoughts to everyone who has been posting. Its the hardest thing isn't it? I had to leave a meeting at work for a few minutes today as one of my colleagues was talking about a client of his and for no reason at all, mum popped into my head, sitting on her bed getting cross with her paperwork! Its insane how these things happen.
We collected her ashes on Tuesday. They are in a beautiful tube with a beach scene, as was her coffin. I didn't find it as hard as I thought I would for some reason. We intend to scatter them at her favourite beach in the summer.
I still don't think I've quite understood she has gone. Its still...odd..

Hello to,all the latest posters. I am sorry that you have joined us, but hopefully this thread will help you all in some small way.
I can remember the early days when I lost my mum. My heart felt it was broken into tiny pieces. At that time it really was. But I am now seven years down the line and although life will never be the same, it is true that it does move on.
I was in the depths of despair when I started this thread and it was so helpful to speak to others who understood.
So for all of you, things will get better, just not yet. 💐

Good morning everyone, so sorry for the losses of you all. Just checking back in - I don't really feel any better, 5 weeks now since dad went & i'm still crying every day plus now seem to be getting 'grief rage' (only way I can describe it!) when I just feel so angry and I know am being short tempered & hard to live with, but I don't know why - although sudden, dad was 90 and went v quickly and peacefully. Started a yoga & meditation class yesterday and hoping that will help. Has anyone else tried anything (classes, counselling?) i'm all for being kind to ourselves and giving ourselves a chance to go through the grieving process, but it's just so bloody hard xxxx

Hi wannabebetter, ive just started bereavement counselling - i lost my mum on 12th December. They say usually not to start bereavement counselling until 3 months has passed (because you are naturally going through the process during this time?). I cant comment too much because I have only had 2 sessions (the first session was mainly discussing the facts surrounding her death, who was there? how she died etc) but my recent session has been helpful. I am trying to change my thinking and she is helping me with this. I also have an activity to do this week ie, write a letter to my mum which we will discuss at my next session and this should help me further. I have the support of my brother but literally no-one else to speak to, so for me this is my lifeline currently.

What I can say is that what you are describing above seems to be perfectly normal for 5 weeks. I am still short-tempered and I cry but not as much. i do hope that helps xx it is so bloody hard, isnt it. My mum was my entire world xx

I am still thinking of bereavement counselling but am tryin to muddle through right now. Its a tricky one. I guess I have spent the past few months trying to make sure the dc (especially the eldest dd) re ok as they have obviously been affected and I seem to manage by having a howl every now and then. I'm still thinking about it and if I think I need it may get some.
What I find I'm thinking about most now, is how she must have felt before she had the stroke, how was she just before she died, did she know she was dying, all those awful thoughts, and the guilt that she was alone will never leave. I just want to talk to her one more time :(

I have just been told that my lovely dad (86) has only days left to live. I really am not coping very well. My Dad is in hospital having palliative care. I have two DS's aged 21 and 23. I have told the youngest who lives with us and he is very sad. The eldest lives a long way away so telling him is going to be v hard. I lost my mum six years ago and I know how hard that was and I am frightened to be in that place again mentally. My DH is very supportive but doesn't know what to say to me. I am so sad.

Buttonuo - I am so sorry you are where you are. This thread has been so supportive for so many of us who have gone or are going through similar. One day at a time. Take support where it’s offered and don’t be afraid to ask for it to from your friends and family. Just tell your dad you love him and he’s not to worry about anything. I am so sorry. It’s bloody tough and crap. Hugs

Thank you Heron. Its so tough. I have a lovely supportive DH and a lot of friends. I am going to the hospital soon. I am so sorry to read everyone's stories on here but pleased that there is support on here because often in the outside world there isn't.

I'm so sorry Buttonup as Heron says, just take every opportunity to tell you love him, and not to worry and say all the things you want to say. I've found this thread a lifeline over the past 6 weeks since Dad died - we are all in this together, the most awful club ever but it really helps to share experiences. Sending lots of hugs and strength to you for the days to come xxx

lepetit I know what you mean, I'm analysing the last days and hours in detail over and over and can't seem to stop. Dad was quite distressed at times and unable to speak to tell us what he needed, but then seemed to have periods where he was quite calm - I would love to know what was going on in his head and hope he understood we were there, and was able to hear me telling him not to worry and how much I loved him.

Buttonup, it is so difficult. Even when I knew mum was going to finally die - in the last week, I just couldn't get it, I hoped for a weird miracle but at about 3 and a half stone, as she was, no water for 4 days and obviously so close, I knew really that would never happen.

Having a dreadful week all round tbh! Both younger dc are suffering form extreme anxiety. dd has been referred to child mental health services, and ds who is 250 miles away at university is on the phone constantly in a state. I feel like I'm going to crack really soon.

So sorry to hear that Lepititpiggy. I really hope that you manage to get the support you need. Life is so very tough.
I went to see my Dad today, he has been very agitated and the doctor has now sedated him. It is very hard seeing him like that but I just sat with him and stroked his cheek and told him I loved him. I have been his carer now for six years and it is hard to imagine that relationship ending. I promised my mum when she was dying that I would look after dad and I think I have.

Buttonup - that promise to your mum would have been truly special to her and bloody brilliant you honoured it. That will all help you a tiny bit, then more, as the days go on. In the end that’s all that matters. That you do the right thing ( which is different for us all depending on relationships and circumstances etc). Bloody good for you.

Lepetit- I am really sorry you are struggling and not just with your own grief but everything else too. Sometimes this seems to happen - stuff just keeps bearing down. Know that there will be a time when you will be able to look back and think ‘well that was a shit time’ but we got through. Hugs.

My ma died 4 months ago. I still don’t really believe it. She died suddenly without warning and I got to hers after she had been taken to the morgue so not seeing her I think has affected my ability to really understand it. Know I made the right call not seeing her in funeral home as there had been delay for an inquest but I don’t feel I had any goodbye. Reading others’ experiences I think it was easier at the time but bloody hell I think it’s hard now.

Sorry for swearing but actually it’s good to swear I am finding !

Thank you for your lovely words Heron. So sorry to hear about your Mum. I didn't see my Mum after she died, I decided not to. I wasn't with her when she died as I lived 150 miles away and I didnt get there in time. Six years on I still really, really miss her but I no longer cry every day, I am full of happy memories. It does get easier but it takes a long time. I knew that my mum was dying but didnt expect It to happen when it did. I cannot imagine the shock when it is unexpected and sudden. The grief process is a long one and emotions catch you unawares. I have told my eldest DH about his Grandad today and he thanked me for being honest. My youngest DS is coming to the hospital with me tomorrow. So proud of both of them, especially the eldest who has had anxiety when younger.

Anyone else struggling with Mother's Day? I'm used to not having a dad to buy for now but it's the first time for my mum. I don't expect there to be no talk of it but every other email in my inbox is an ad for Mother's Day gifts. Moonpig has a radio ad with women saying how much they love their mum - I didn't mind the "I'm so proud of you mum" ones but one said she couldn't imagine living without her mum. Well some of us have no bloody choice.
Feel a bit stupid as it's just another day, it's also very close to when she died last year and it's getting worse again.

My Dad died at 1.30am. I am so sad but it was a peaceful end. I wasn't there.