Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Hello all. megabat what a bloody awful thing to have to go through - I'm so sorry.

singswithitsfingers my eldest dd's partner has been very similar since my mum got ill - he had no idea of how to cope so ignored it, even though she has been in bits and when she died, poor dd really has felt it. Sounds extreme, but with this and various other issues, she basically gave him an ultimatum - see upthread; told him to leave and said she couldn't live with someone so emotionless. Amazingly, he has turned a corner, realises he loves her and the children and is working his head off to make up - he explained that he didn't really know what to do and didn't want to talk to her about it in case it upset her - odd but maybe some people just are like that. As a very emotional pair (her and I!) it really upset and angered her . Early days, but she is hoping he 'gets' it now.

I've been really up and down, had a mega breakdown yesterday when I came across a few things of mums that just hit me. I howled and sobbed and wailed. I think that was the moment I finally 'knew' she was gone. It was real physical pain. Indescribable.
Thinking of you all.

Hello again I haven’t been on for a while but do pop back now and again as it is the only place that I know others will understand the strange new world we find ourselves in. So sorry for all the recent new posters.
I lost my amazing mum last summer very suddenly really after a short illness. It really still doesn’t seem real as there was no lead up or warning of declining health.
I find it hard having to have a new relationship with my dad on his own as I’m sure lots of you had similar in that mum was the one I chatted to most when visiting. Her not being around to offer the cuppa or ask those questions about my week that she would remember. It’s so very sad.
I thought I had lost all of my nice memories for a while after the horrors of hospital and her last few days. But they are coming back to me now and can suddenly shatter my day as I catch her laughing in the kitchen or weeding in the sun. Comforting but very hard.

Hi everyone lepit megabat ilovebagpuss everyone sending hugs and strength. Megabat I am so sorry you have that to deal with on top of all other crap.
Went through my lovely mas sewing trunk today. Scraps of material left from childhood clothes. All of her crocheting and embroidery stuff. Only one pattern - simplicity - Some god awful (now) 70s outfits. Remember literally hundreds. Think she did some quiet secret clearing out of her own. Sobbed my heart out as the trunk summed up a side of my ma I remembered throughout my childhood and hadn’t thought about for years. Tough. But good. Think we have to get through the tough to get to the ‘ok’.
Btw shredded the receipt for her last glasses from a month before she died after cataract surgery. hope she doesn’t need it at the great optician in the sky so many are now frequenting
Hugs all. This is tough.

It is so much harder than I ever imagined. I'm struggling again today. Just stupid things, like dd2 is going away with her friend next weekend and I thought, must tell mum. I could even hear her voce saying 'ooh she will enjoy that wont she? Make sure she takes a coat though. Has se got a decent coat' It used to infuriate me, but I want to be annoyed with her, I just want to speak to her...

Yes lepit - went away
For a few days and thought ‘must tell mumhow to get hold of me and when I’ll be back’ etc ad nauseum. In the month after she died I found those thoughts bizarre and almost funny. Now I just find them very sad. Would give pretty much anything for it all to have been a big mistake. tough day. Know it will get better for us all in our own ways.

Another one clocking in with a tough day. Although I say that - I've been better today. Was not at all good Thursday and Friday. I try and strike a balance between completely wallowing unnecessarily and getting on with stuff. I know grief isn't something that you can pencil in the diary for convenient times but my personality is such that I keep trying to bloody control it!! Not keep it in - just manage it effectively. Which looks insane now I read that back.

I don't want to feel sad and shit day after day and it's not fair on my kids. Drives me mad to know this won't be done and dusted within a month.

We're still waiting for her ashes to take to the coast. That will be hard.. Yes, I'm trying to control it too! ridiculous really.

I'm not sure how I feel about the ashes. Hopefully it'll really help bring you some peace or closure

My mum is in my front room. I think I'm pleased they're here but I'm not feeling a sense of comfort but maybe that'll come in time

It’s my mums funeral today. I’ve been awake since 5.30. Feeling apprehensive about other family members being critical, even though they’ve had no input. I found out my Aunty tried to get my mum’s jewellery from the funeral home but thankfully they said no. Looking forward to today being over.

Ignore the family- easier said than done I know, I felt the same! Know you have your best and it will all be well. It's a hard day but you'll get through
Thinking of you

minicat sending good wishes to you and your family (slightly different level of good wishes to your aunty perhaps?). know the feeling of anxiety when you’ve sorted everything well done you. Your family will love you for having made it happen. Hope the day is overly and you have some good memories and laughter and smiles about your mum. My dp gave me a card saying how proud my mum would have been after the funeral very late last year. Meant everything that we just did our best frankly. Hugs.

‘Lovely’ not ‘overly’ - perhaps it could even be ‘overly lovely’ ?

@minicat - I do hope today goes well. Although I was dreading it, and it was extremely hard, in some ways Mum's funeral was probably the best day we've had since she died. I felt surrounded by the love people had for her, and memories of her. I hope you find some positives in the day too.

I am having a bad day today. My work redundancy situation rumbles on. I am torn between trying to resolve it 'better' (a better deal, a slightly longer time before finishing to tie up loose ends more satisfactorily) and just wanting to get out of there. Because I found out about it while I was still in the first shock of bereavement, less than a week after Mum died, I feel as if it's taken up some of the headspace that the grieving process should be taking up. So there's part of me that just wants to get out as quickly as I can so that I can focus on grieving again. Does that make any sense? I'm worried that in some ways I'm just supressing it, and it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks a few weeks or months down the line.

Thank you everyone. Yesterday was a blur. I held it together but my two boys were especially upset. It broke my heart holding my sobbing 8yo. I wish they didn’t have to go through it but I hope it helps. I didn’t speak to many people but I didn’t hear any negative comments- unless that happened when we left!

Today I’m just feeling so sad and full of regrets. Much worse than before the funeral. Maybe it’s actually hitting me that I can never call her again. I miss her so much and feel so alone.

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say that for anyone who wants to keep ashes of their loved ones, you can actually have some incorporated into beautiful jewellery. Some people on here have done this and the end results are quite stunning. There are several companies that do this on the internet and they do all sorts, necklaces, rings etc. I wish I had done this myself but I didn't know about it at the time.
Mega I understand to a certain extent about the stent. My dh had one from kidney to bladder last year but it was temporary and we were told that it could not stay in after six months. As it was he had to have a kidney removed in Dec but it was a cancellation. If he hadn't of accepted this , his proper op day was going to be the 17th but was told this was going to be cancelled and he wouldn't have op until this year ! But of course the stent would of gone past the time it should stay in without being changed. Luckily it worked out ok, but only because he accepted the cancellation date for his op. There has to be surely a risk of infection?
For any of you going through this distressing first few weeks, dealing with funerals, solicitors etc, you have my utmost sympathies. It has to be one of the most upsetting things to have to cope with.
One day at a time is enough to cope with 💐

I used 'ashes into glass' the customer service is amazing and the items really nice. I had a ring and a paperweight

mymug that sounds a lovely treasure for you to keep. I really do wish I had been able to do this. I do have some of mums hair in a locket, but I'm too afraid to wear it now in case I lose it !

Can I confess that I have some of my mums hair which the funeral director took for me.

But also mum died unexpectedly and at home she had already been taken away by the time I got down there so I didn’t see her and didn’t want to see her at the funeral home cos there was a delay for an inquest. She had her hair cut the day before she died - popping out in her little car - and there was loads of hair on her coat so because I hadn’t been able to see her at all I collected that ‘just in case’ the funeral director forgot.

Long grim story short - I now have two small collections of her hair - no idea quite why but seemed important at the time in shock and grief. Three months on I am beginning to have a glimmer that some things I did were rather odd but so what eh ? Might do something with them sometime later.
Sorry if too much info but god it’s good to say some stuff here.
Hugs all.

I received the Ashes to Glass pack today but I've decided against it. I didn't like the idea beforehand (speaking personally of course) and then when I was betrayed myself I suddenly decided I loved the idea - and now I think it's enough that I have the ashes in my pearl sculpture. Let me find a photo.

*bereaved not betrayed

@minicat79 chin up love! You got through the funeral so that's another hideous thing behind you now. We know exactly what you're feeling right now and it totally sucks. Tomorrow may be a better day. We have to believe that

@dotty2 that sounds perfectly understandable to me. I almost think grieving is easier when you don't have anything else to do which seems to interfere with it

@HeronLanyon I think keeping the hair is a lovely thing to do and it obviously felt right for you at the time

Hey everyone sorry I am so sporadic in posting but please know I am reading and following and know what you are all facing each day, in my eyes even if all you do is get up and make a cup of tea some days that's enough in those early days.

The hair is a beautiful keepsake, a friend of mine has just had her relatives encased in a glass paperweight style ornament, looks really pretty.

I have some of mums clothes that I keep, her favourite denim shirt is under my pillow, we all do strange things in grief I agree. I have shopping lists in a photo album that are horrendously boring but mum wrote them so I keep them.

Mums dad is very unwell at the minute, in the process of dementia diagnosis and with very poor mobility he weights little over 7 stone. Some days there is a glimmer of the strong, quick witted man he was other days he is aggressive, nasty and barely knows who I am. I am heartbroken at the minute and wish after all the amazing things he has done in his life that this wasn't the way it has to be but we soldier on.

Hi everyone. Hope it's ok to share here - I feel like I'm falling apart. My darling dad passed away on 9th Feb after falling the previous day and suffering a bleed on the brain. He was 90, and while I was under no illusions that he was coming towards the end of his life, it all seemed so sudden and unreal in the way it happened. I had flown over on the day he fell, supposedly for the weekend to support mum and run her to and from hospital etc, with no idea of what was ahead. I used to work in Probate and used the time between his passing and the funeral to sort out all his personal accounts, apply for probate etc and this kept me busy. The day after the funeral DH and I flew away on holiday (had been booked months ago) and being away from home in the sun also really helped. But.... I'm now home, back to work and feel like I'm falling apart. It's like huge waves of grief - not even with any particular trigger, and it's like, ok, we've done all the practical stuff and got through all that, so can he come back now please? How long does this bit last for? I'm so close to attending GP and getting signed off for a while but I've only come back to work this week and want to give myself a chance before succumbing to any tablets or anything... sorry if this is a bit rambly and so sorry to read all your experiences on this thread.