Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

hello lovely people. I've been lurking but could not quite make myself post, but here I am.

My lovely mother died on January 15th. I can't believe it, even when I type it. Have had the funeral, and buried the ashes with my dad. Have cleared the flat and managed all of that. Now am at the other end of the world and back to work and I keep finding myself repeating to myself: I'm bereaved. I want to shout it, but then feel that it should be obvious to any fool that cares to look. Yet life goes on. I'm just not sure how.

and hugs to all in this shitty place.

2018 so sorry you’ve lost your mum. 3 months on from my lovely ma dying unexpectedly I am just starting to believe it but not really.
Hugs to everyone. I had so much support here and it was so helpful to post but over the last few weeks inhave been struggling a bit and reading but not posting.
When it started getting lighter in evenings I hated it as it meant mum wasn’t going to be here for spring/summer. Now I am just about able to look forward to it all a bit which feels a huge step.
all.

Hope it is okay me joining as my dad died 20 years ago suddenly so not as raw as most of these posts.

Have not had a lot of support, never had grief counselling (was not offered)I am only late 20s so most of my friends dads are still alive so I can never add much to the conversation and I feel like the odd one out if I do talk about him iyswim.

Every milestone I find harder and harder, getting married in May and I just feel so depressed that my dad will not be there to walk me down the aisle.

Thinking about everyone on this thread X

Oh just so sorry. My mum dying recently (elderly) has made me much more conscious that when I blither on about her ‘going the way she would have wanted’ and ‘she had a great and long life’ I may well be (an likely to be) talking to those who have very much more difficult/complex experiences of death of loved ones. Really sorry your dad’s death continues to bring about new grief - it’s understandable. It’s never too late to talk through with someone trained. Might be helpful ?
Congrats re wedding

@MegaBat - I will be thinking of you today. I hope it goes peacefully. I understand with the dreading it emotion, I am too. I am so sorry to hear about your dad too. You do have a lot to cope with. The comment about the photos made me chuckle!

@Lepetitpiggy - I am pleased everything went smoothly for you.

@Nankles and @Dotty2 - I agree with your comments 100%. I keep wanting to call my mum too and have a moan to her about my Auntys or about my partner having to spend so much time away. I don’t know when that is going to stop. My mum was the buffer between my auntys and me and it’s really quite draining having to deal with them. She knew what they were like.

@2018 - I’m so sorry you lost your mum. I feel the same way - look at everyone going about their lives and I’m in so much pain.

I don’t know I’m functioning at the moment. Day by day I guess. I’ve never made so many phone calls in one day. I registered the death yesterday. Had to get the train to my mum’s town with my 8yo. He was so good. Still doesn’t feel real. I had a cry to my partner last night saying I feel so alone. He’s still away every other night looking after his parents and I don’t have anyone to talk to. That’s when I would have called my mum. I feel bad crying to him as I know he is worried about his parents but I feel like everyone has forgotten that actually my mum died last week? I’m starting to actually feel a bit annoyed and angry about it, which isn’t me but I can’t help it. Maybe that will pass.

Thank you to everyone saying they get the thing about not really believing they are gone and anticipating having a chat with them - am finding that really hard. But 'good' to know others feel it too - though obviously not good anyone else is in this horrible place. It must be especially hard if you're on your own, or have a partner with their own worries - DH lost his dad last year, but it was at a time mum was relatively stable, so I could take everything else off his hands, and now he's trying to do the same for me. Apart from the work situation (redundancy) which rumbles on at its own pace, oblivious - that's hard to deal with.

Megabat - hoping all went well. It will be hard but you will get through it.

Just - my dad died when I was 2 and I was never allowed to talk through it or mention him, so a huge part of my life was spent in anger. Thigs were so different then, nothing like counselling existed - we all just got on with it!

2018 - I'm with you too. Its hard to , even wen everything is 'over'

Thoughts to everyone

My lovely mum died 10 weeks ago and i am struggling terribly; its getting harder as the time goes on. My siblings seem to be 1 step further along than me; I seem to still be stuck at the hospital. Im angry, have no energy, no enjoyment for anything and today I have asked for bereavement counselling (I never ask for help) so this is a massive step for me. Hugs to you all going through this shit; I will never ever be the same again, in fact I feel like a completely different person 💔 x

daniellaw similar here. My ma died 12 weeks ago. First 9 weeks I was so busy and in denial and shock etc that it didn’t sink in at all. 2/3 weeks ago it really began to hit me and I have been struggling.
Really good for you for getting some counselling.
My mas death was unexpected - clearing her study today I kept thinking (subconsciously) I might find a letter or note cos I didn’t get to say goodbye. That made me think perhaps I could do with some bereavement counselling too. Thanks for posting. Hugs. We all just need to get through this - one day at a time for some of us

HeronLanyon - same as me. She died suddenly on 12 December, then funeral arrangements had to be made quickly because we had to have the funeral before Christmas. We then started clearing her house on Boxing day and only finished on 3rd January xx

How did the funeral go megabat? I hope things are ok

Thinking of all the recent posters who are going through a rough and emotional time. You wonder how the world just goes on the same when you are feeling so sad. How can there be people laughing, and having a great time, when inside we are feeling broken.
One day at a time for you all. The healing time varies for everyone, but in time things do get better, although I expect at the moment it dosent seem that way to you.
Take care of yourselves. 💐

I'm so happy to have found this post. My mother recently passed away and we had her funeral last week. I had two weeks from when she passed to plan the funeral etc and now that it is all over, I feel completely flat. The funeral was beautiful and I so wish she had been there as she would have loved it.
She had Parkinson's and had been in a local nursing home for five and a half years. I loved visiting her a few times a week and even though it was hard over the past year seeing her degenerate hugely, the time spent with my mother was so special. Even when she lost her speech and would sleep for most of the time, I would sit by her, holding her little hand and read a book or get on with work from my phone. Time spent with her was always very peaceful. She had huge character before she got PD and it was so sad seeing her becoming a shadow of her former self.
I miss her so very much and keep on thinking I need to go to the nursing home to visit her. And then remember she is no longer around. I am waking up frequently during the night crying and feel so very empty. How can I stop feeling so down as I need to be strong for my DC?

@Mummyonline sorry to read your sad news. In answer to your question - you can't really. Not right now. You just have to go with the flow and if you feel sad or teary then you feel sad or teary. It's very early days and it doesn't harm your children to see you sad over the death of your mum / their grandma. It was mum's funeral on Friday and I spent the weekend feeling tired and morose. It comes and goes for me - what helps is support from my family and taking it very easy

@minicat79 @Lepetitpiggy funeral went well thank you. I amazed myself by not crying! Not a tear. I didn't feel numb or anything - I just focussed on the kids and making sure they were ok and I looked forward to it all being over! I even had a small giggle when the celebrant confused her date of birth and put ten years on her. She'd have been delighted. NOT! Oh and when he said ' and now we will leave to her favourite song 'always look on the bright side of life.' I inwardly killed as A if that was her favourite song then it was news to me and B it just made me cringe. However, funerals are for the living and that's what my dad wanted so meh.

I feel ok today. I'm on and off really. I cry most days still but it's five mins here and there. I'll suddenly think' wow! She's not bloody here!' and it'll almost amaze me. I try very hard to allow myself to feel what I feel and know it's completely normal. If I'm laughing at a film or with the kids then that's great - I never feel guilty for anything I'm feeling. And if I'm howling in the bath - again, that's fine too. Eventually I have to stop though and I think to myself ' bloody hell, you're indulging yourself a bit here. Pull yourself together!' but I am VERY much my mothers daughter!

I don't look far ahead. I may have mentioned it but we had a huge holiday booked for April - San Francisco and LA. I cancelled that as I don't want to plan exciting trips out etc. I'm able to work ok but then my work is such I can do it from my bed if I wanted to (no, I'm not a sex worker)

God I'm rambling now

@HeronLanyon how are you doing?

@DanniellaW sorry to hear you feel so down. How's things today?

@Nankles how are you doing? Hope you're bearing up

Hello to the new posters. I’m sorry you have need to be here but you will find amazing support and strength here, as I have over the last few months.

@megabat - it sounds like you coped admirably at the funeral. Well done for getting through and seeing humour in the random music played (not to mention the DOB!). I’m home now after spending a week living with mum. It’s strange being back, I can be lulled into believing dad is still at home, walking the dog and tinkering in his shed. Then what has happened hits like a tsunami and I wander the house wailing like a deranged Mrs Rochester.

@megabat - couldn’t stop laughing at your sex worker comment hah!

@Nankles ha I can relate to the deranged Mrs R bit. Also when I was in the hospital a day or so before my mum died, I was walking down the corridor, up and down outside her room and crying etc. I will say here and now I am NOT famous...BUT I work in an area which means I am recognisable if you also happen to have an interest in this area. Think social media. So I get it a lot - in shops, at the dentist etc. People say .. err excuse me are you xxxx?'

So anyway, there I am bawling away and someone stops beside me and says ' oh my god, you're xxx aren't you?' I've got my lunch all down my top, I've not washed my hair and I'm clearly not in a good state. To say I was horrified is putting it mildly.

So, for now, I'm staying home!!! Just in case

shit today. just awful. I am constantly on the verge of tears. work was almost impossible as I just want to cry all the time. I work with alcoholics and vulnerable people and I just wanted to tell them to shut up today ! going to see if I can get some counselling soon
I don't understand why I'm like this - I had long enough to prepare. I wish I could stop it.

Oh no @Lepetitpiggy you poor thing. Is some time away from work an option for you at all?

You don't need to try and understand why you feel what you feel. You can't help your feelings. And they're totally normal.

Can you do something nice this evening to relax a bit?

I've ready used all my leave and sick leave as I took loads of when she was first ill! mainly I'm better at work but today it just really got me.
I'm relaxing with Corrie - always helps!! dh and I are having a night away in a couple of weeks so hopefully that will help. it's just you know remembering the last few weeks with her and wanting to see her once more. It's hard.😔

It's horribly hard. I miss my mum horribly

A weekend away might do you the world of good.

Hi all. I too want to see my mum. It is bewildering really. Few weeks ago several of us were kind of joking about all our loved parents queuing at the optician now as lots of glasses lost or broken etc. That image brings me a lot of comfort and a smile. They’re probably going back (in the bus) to have some small adjustments now. Hugs all.