Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Thanks @MegaBat for your words and well done for coping with the funeral. I thought that would be the hardest part but found it very comforting. We had lots of family from abroad help in the days leading up to the funeral and they were a Godsend. Now that they have all gone, I feel flat and just about everything seems to set me off. I was driving the car back from the garage and the blue skies and flowers set me off realising my mother would never see Spring again. Every song I put on on the radio set me off too - I want you Back, Who wants to Live Forever, It's a Wonderful World, amongst others. I find I am far more emotional now than a few weeks ago. She stopped breathing four weeks ago today, pretty much now. I know morphine is meant to make the death a more peaceful one but I pray to God she didn't know what was happening to her.
I am so sorry to everyone who has lost someone recently - hopefully we will be able to help one another through this sad time...

@ MegaBat - I am unbelievably lost to be honest. My little girl is also struggling terribly (shes 8). I think the key for both me and her is the scattering of my mum’s ashes which is scheduled for mum’s birthday in April.

I know I have to let her go, i know but I just cannot do that. I was always so over protective of my mum, i looked after her for 20 years and that is half of my life. My problem is that I dont know where my mum is, i hope she is with her beloved mum but I just don’t know and i am struggling with that xx I just hope I dont feel like this forever because it is unbearable xx

@Lepetitpiggy sorry for the late reply, oh god I agree, always never speak but get on with it. And this was only in the early 2000s! It just sucks doesn't it? At least times have moved on. I bottled up my feelings for close to 10 years, only got counselling when I was at University because my GP referred me after I was diagnosed with epilepsy (the irony I mainly talked about my grief!).

Now it feels easier to talk about him, just feels too soon to talk about my memories of him when he died so young.

Hugs to you

Finally found my way here. It's taken a while - Mum passed 5 weeks ago - but I'd been ok. She was 86, had cancer 4 years ago and had another good 4 years, that she always viewed as borrowed time, without chemo. She deteriorated quickly just before Christmas and spent almost a month in hospital but we got her home to us. I spent those last days by her side and she passed in her sleep on her terms.

Its taken clearing out her house and handing back the keys to floor me. I guess it was the last stage of letting go and it's all just so final now. I miss her so much.

oneday

one it's such a sad thing to have to do, clearing out everything and suddenly everything is gone. But in saying that , I have boxes of my mums stuff here, which I could not bear to just get rid of. ! Even silly little scraps of paper that she had written on !
I hope the nicer weather is giving everyone a little lift for today at least. Remember, just one day at a time is enough to cope with when everything is so new and distressing. 💐

I am finding the beautiful weather a bit of a mixed blessing, to be honest. It's hard seeing the spring flowers and blossom (which Mum loved) and knowing she's gone. She was only in the hospice for a day before she died, but she was enjoying the view onto a woodland area which was covered in daffodils in bud. It's so odd thinking that the daffodils are probably flowering now, and she's not with us anymore. But I don't want to get into a mindset of feeling like I can't and shouldn't enjoy anything ever again - so I've been trying to take pleasure in the garden coming back to life, and a crazy quantity of blue tits that have just arrived and seem to spend all day in our fruit trees. And I do find a short walk in the sun helps a lot.

We haven't done much clearing out yet - I'm trying to go at my Dad's pace and tackle a little at a time, but she was a hoarder (and had a lot of crafting things, plus stuff saved from her own mother's house) and there's a lot of stuff. I feel for you oneday

Thanks everyone. Mum's place was council so I had a deadline. I spoke to some house clearers but they were vultures (possibly me just being over sensitive). Wanted as much as poss to go to charity and didn't want anyone else going through her things anyway. I've brought loads back. Dh is extremely understanding and is getting the loft made more accessible so we can store it.

Just taken back by this affecting me so much. I'd gone back to work and really was ok. Work have been amazing right from when she was ill and I'm really thankful that I have their support. I know it will get easier and the sunshine is beautiful. Even found some daffs in the garden that must have blown over from next door.

We were lucky that we could clear mums flat before she died. It does mean that I'm surrounded by her things though! Lovely things but so so sad to see every day

One year today since my lovely gentle mum died. She had dementia for many years and I am happy that she is at peace, but I miss her and just wanted to somehow say that "out loud".

Anniversaries are hard. I'm sorry you miss your mum, and am glad you have somewhere to say that, notsureofname

So sorry for the loss of your dear mum @one.

@notsure, hugs to you. I’m only a few weeks into this new world but the thought of anniversaries, Fathers Day, birthdays etc fill me with dread.

I feel the same about this beautiful weather @dotty. It’s lifted my spirits but cannot help thinking that dad is not around to enjoy it (he was quite the sun worshipper!).

For some reason I announced last week that I would make the orders of service. I think I was still delirious. I’m sat at the kitchen table surrounded by photos, glue guns and half of Hobbycraft’s stock. And panicking. My dad was an amazing Art teacher, I wanted to make something personal and special but I’m now getting increasingly anxious that my efforts could end up looking like a bodged primary school project.... Note to self: know your limits.

@lepetit hope you are faring okay

@megabat how are you doing this week? Can’t believe you were ‘spotted’ at such a time!!

Hi all. Bloody awful day for me today. Out the blue and no idea why. Dreamt of my mum last night. Nothing profound or anything but I woke up and it was of course immediately on my mind. Went about my day ok but felt flat and a bit tearful and now in full flow which is bloody irritating to be honest as I can't seem to stop.

I have picked up her ashes today and now she is in the most amazing pearl sculpture in my living room. It's an urn disguised as a work of art and looks lovely. So maybe picking up the ashes has made me feel like this? No idea.

And I really must stop comfort eating as it's getting very very silly now.

How are you doing @Nankles ? To answer your question - I'm rubbish today!

Oh MegaBat - so sorry you're having such an awful day, although glad your mum is now 'home' with you. My poor dad is still at the funeral director's waiting for my cousins to sign some forms so that I can take ownership of the family plot for interment.

Nankles I hope you've finished the orders of service now!

I'm feeling a bit low today because it's St David's day. It's been bittersweet for years, ever since I took over (badly) my mum's role of Maker of the Welsh Cakes - they were never as nice but I'd always take some up for my dad anyway and he'd pretend they were just as good. Now I have no-one to make them for :( DH can't eat them and DS and I would never get through a batch on our own, so I have shop-bought ones (M&S, but still...) and it's just Not Right.

Sorry about the welsh cakes, spiderlight. We have some very specific family seasonal baking traditions, and actually spoke about this in Mum's eulogy - very much part of our memories of her. I made a Christmas cake for her and Dad which she was never well enough to eat, and I know it will be hard when the other baking times of year roll around. As you say - just Not Right.

That’s so sad @spiderlight. I hope in years to come you can make those welsh cakes again and pass those cherished memories onto your DS.

How are things today @Megabat? I’ve not had any dreams about Dad. I’m thankful for that as it must be a crushing awakening. ‘Seeing’ your parent, then they are gone. Again. Your pearl sculpture sounds beautiful.

I feel very blue today. It’s mum and dad’s 50th wedding anniversary. They had such a lovely relationship, absolutely worshipped one another. It should be a weekend of celebrations and dad cracking his annual joke “I’m still not that sure about your mum but she’ll do for now....” God love him.

Orders of Service are almost done. And they have turned out well. I know dad would be proud that what I lack in craftsmanship I have made up for with effort!

@spiderlight how long do you think that will take to sort out? It'll be nice when you know you can have a 'final' place I'm sure

Well I'm worse today. Was doing ok but then I received a call from my mums consultant. I won't go into the ins and outs of it all but the consultant feels they must whistleblow so there'll now be some sort of serious incident review. Reason? My mum was supposed to have her kidney stent changed in December. She wasn't called for it . Appointment actually came through for beginning of feb. And she was in hospital then. She died due to septic shock and kidney failure as the stent blocked. The stent would not have blocked had it have been changed when it should have been

Now I get all that. And of course I knew it. My mum was in pain and having issues but she ignored it for quite some time and she shouldn't have done. People are ultimately responsible to speaking up when they have pain and getting it sorted and god bloody knows I told her often enough to see the doctor. I even called myself on her behalf o was so incensed she wasn't doing it

Still, it's hard to sort of hear that they have misgivings about their systems and that she potentially would have lived if only they had not fallen behind with stent replacement appointments.

So my view is they should do what they have to to address the failings and/or holes in their procedures but it doesn't change the outcome and I really really do not need these sort of thoughts in my head.

Oh @MegaBat - that's awful. So sorry you have to even think about all that :(

Oh my goodness @Megabat. I honestly don’t know what to say. Or imagine what emotions you are having to process after receiving such shocking information. I’m so very sorry. And thinking of you.

@MegaBat I am so so sorry you are having to go through this. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. As if times aren’t hard enough.

I went to see my mum today in the chapel of rest. I felt I needed to as I still feel like she’s on holiday or something. They warned me she didn’t look her best and she did look different. It was ok though. Told her everything she has missed so far. I found yesterday hard as my eldest son found out his high school choice for September and I would have called her straight away. Anyway I left her with some photos of us all. Not looking forward to the funeral on Monday. I think it’s the thought of all the other people that are going to be there. Hoping that by looking after my two boys that will get me through.

I’ve just joined. First of all, condolences to all on here and it’s great to see you all supporting each other. My elderly Mum died last summer, following a few years of dementia and so on. Aside from losing my Mum, my DH seemed to not remotely understand the grieving process. For example, he expected me to be over my Mum’s death after a couple of weeks. I found this very difficult, but death with it. Now my elderly Dad is not very well, and I am faced with dealing with that and with unsupportive husband again ... Has anyone else done his with a DP that really does not understand? And how have you dealt with it? Thank you all.

@minicat79 @Nankles @spiderlight thanks for the support. Was really indulging myself last night with a good old wail but I've been better today. It is what it is I suppose and I appreciate the consultant doing the right thing and speaking up when he's seen something that needs addressing. However I don't want to be any more involved in it than I need to be. I won't be making any complaints or asking for investigations etc. Although I did joke to my husband that I should have said ' let's call it half a mil and say no more' on the phone yesterday

How are you all? I've been distracted today by looking at houses. We are looking to move so that's something to focus on I suppose. Still all shit though

@singswithitsfingers oh dear - this sounds tough for you. I'm sorry for your loss too. I'm very fortunate that my husband is nothing but supportive and I would struggle very much if he wasn't - two things are generally needed after a bereavement I think and that's time and support. Both are crucial to healing and coming to terms with what's happened in as short a time as can be feasible

Is this indicative of how he is generally? Or is he usually good but just doesn't understand what you need? Do you have support elsewhere?

Hi thank you @megaBat. My husband is generally very good, but bizarrely does not understand bereavement. I have given up talking to him about it as he does not get it. I am now more busy dealing with ailing father than with husband’s oddities. I just wondered if other people had the same issue with generally nice partners?

Thankfully I have supportive friends. And in general find my own comfort in peace and quiet etc.

Well hopefully there will be others on this thread who are in the same sort of boat and dan advise what they do. I'm glad to hear you have support elsewhere