Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Thank you xx

Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment. I’m trying to sort out my mum’s funeral, empty her flat, let all the banks etc know and deal with family members all not living locally. Meanwhile it’s half term, I’ve got two children busy with swim camps and tennis camps and I’m exhausted. My partner’s mum had a stroke at the weekend and is in hospital 45 miles away. His dad has Alzheimer’s so is unsafe to be left alone so my partner is driving back and forth between home, work and his parents, sleeping there on alternate nights. I just feel numb with it all.

Oh you poor thing. These things never happen alone do they? You will get through it though. I'm so pleased we could sort mum's flat before she died. It broke me then, god knowa what I would feel like now. it's the being surrounded by all her things that is getting me now though. Her jewellery, her cards and photos (she threw nothing away!) It's the hardest thing that has ever happened to me - and I've had some shitty times! Thinking of you

So the funeral day is here. Son and husband frantically trying suits and shirts (ironed by me) on, I'm just staying on my bed reading and relaxing until later. I don't really know how I feel right now. Its as if I'm watching t all

I hope today goes OK, Lepetitpiggy - hope your sister doesn't cause any drama. These things never seem to come alone - so sorry about what your daughter is going through as well :(

minicat Oh no, your poor DP and his mum. That must be utterly exhausting and a massive worry for him (and you). Is there no-one closer who could take on a bit of looking-after for his dad?

Life is just so bloody unfair at times, heaping all this on people. It's just too much.

@Lepetitpiggy I hope today goes smoothly for you. I totally understand where you are coming from saying it’s like you are watching it all. I have felt like that all week.

Thank you @spiderlight myself and DP don’t have any siblings so caring for his dad is really between him and his Aunty. The neighbours are helping too but I think DP feels he should do more. It’s so hard when me and the children need him at home though. My 10yo slept in bed with me the other night which he never does.

@MegaBat I hope things are okay with you. Well as okay they can be at the moment.

It was lovely. Sister and nephew didn't turn up as they didn't want to 'make things difficult on such a sad day' (message passed to me), which made me feel guilty for some reason. All went beautifully, coffin was a cardboard beach scene. youngest dd read a poem and everything was perfect. I understand 'closure' now I think

Very glad to see that all went away off well and your sister did the decent thing and kept away. It's a relief I think when the funeral is over, it's such a stressful time leading up to it. Hope you can have a relaxing evening. 💐

@minicat79 I'm not too bad thanks. The funeral is on Friday so I just really want to get through that at the moment. I know nobody enjoys a funeral (having said that, I know some old folk love going to them!!) but I really really do not like them - to the point id actually rather not have one for myself. Be quite content with nothing at all for me.

I feel I've already said goodbye to her - and I have. I was with her for ages before she died and there when she did. I said all I needed to and wanted to so Friday just looms large and is something I'd rather just race through. I don't know if that's normal to feel this way!

I've been ok in myself. Usually a cry once a day or so - I'm sparked off by all sorts of things. Today's was something I bought. Some Poole Pottery fish to go with a lamp. Usually I'd have messaged her and shown her them and we'd have had a chat about it and she'd probably have said ' ooh get me some too!' .. so it's bloody horrible that I can't do that

It appears all my memories of my mother are shopping related 

How are you @minicat79 - feeling any less numb yet?

Hope the funeral went as well as it could @Lepetitpiggy

Sorry - I appear to have bolded all my previous message!

I was dreading the funeral too. Just wa ted to run away, and like you, I'd spent a long time saying goodbye; but actually it really has made me feel so much calmer and accepting. Can't put it into words but peace is the best. I hope it goes ok for you. Thinking of you

Thank you for that @Lepetitpiggy

I do feel like this at the moment. Just don't want to go and would very happily not. Makes it all so ... public. I have my cry each day and then I carry on. I'd prefer to just keep doing that.

I'm glad you got through it OK and it was a good experience for you after all the previous worry

It was my mum's funeral yesterday. It went well - all practical arrangements really smooth and lots of people there, and mostly people I didn't know, which was unexpectedly nice. My parents moved about 15 years ago, long after I left home, and most of their old friends and neighbours are too frail to travel or have passed away themselves. But they have a lovely new network of friends through their church, so that was a big comfort.

The hard part is - and I know this sounds deranged - that there's still a huge bit of my brain that doesn't believe she's gone and I keep expecting to have a lovely chat with her about how nice it all was and did she like the flowers? I assume this is a normal stress response and the bubble will pop at some point but it's very odd.

Thinking of everyone else going through this.

@lepetitpiggy - I am so glad it went well for you and that your sister didn't turn up causing trouble. I totally understand the sense of peace and closure once it's over.

@dotty2 I was the same - desperate to ask him if he thought it went OK, if I'd chosen the right hymns. We were at the same crematorium three weeks later for my aunt's funeral, and I deliberately got there early so I could go and see whether the flowers were still on the grave, and said to DH that I had to 'because I know it's the first thing she'll ask' - even though we were there for her funeral! Logic goes out of the window sometimes.

@HeronLanyon How are you doing?

@dotty2 and @lepetitpiggy I’m glad to hear the funerals went as well as these things can. Hope you have both been doing okay since.

@minicat I’m so sorry to hear about the additional worry of your father in law at such a difficult time for you. I can’t imagine the heavy load you are having to manage.

@HeronLanyon hope you are hanging in there.

It’s four days now since dad died. The first two days were frankly hideous - full of panic attacks, crying and vomiting. I felt like I was going mad. I wanted to be with him when he passed but found his last moments incredibly harrowing. Then yesterday we moved onto the ‘practicalities’ of registering his death and visiting the funeral home to select various options we’d rather not have to be choosing. I completely understand that feeling of disbelief and denial. I was sat there waiting for Dad to spring up laughing and tell us it was all a terrible joke. The funeral is booked for a week on Wednesday. 5 days after what would have been his and mum’s golden wedding anniversary. We’re getting by though and concentrating on giving him the best send off we possibly can.

@megabat - wishing you all the strength in the world tomorrow. Thinking of you.

@Nankles thank you. Dreading it still and have been a bit down in the dumps on and off today. I also MUST stop bloody eating! Seriously, I've suddenly gone mad eating junk food. So the plan is to stop that ASAP because, well, it's not going to help matters much is it?! Sorry to hear it's been so tough for you. I'm not much further down the road but the overwhelming stuff does subside thank god.

@dotty2 I hear ya. I've bought an amazing jewellery box to keep my mums jewellery in and I open it up each day and tell her (out loud, I've clearly lost it) how nicely I'm looking after her jewellery for her. Absolutely mad. I just miss not being able to show her things I know she'd like so I can relate to you

@spiderlight I ducked out of most of the funeral arrangements as was just exhausted after being at the hospital so much. And that was fine with my dad as he loves a 'project.' Of course this means that I've finally looked at the order of service booklet and let's just say, my mum would be horrified at the photos he's chosen. So I won't be asking her her thoughts on it as I can hear them already. They are 'for god sake, WHY did you let him choose that photo?! Thanks very much!!'

I'm glad you had a lovely service though x

And here's a really shit fact - as I appear to be on a roll tonight! My dad is also terminally ill with less than a year to live. So the double whammy. I will say though, I get in very well with my dad of course but it's the loss of my mum which is just the killer for me. Hope that makes some sense

Oh @megabat I was reading your message about the photos and snorted (my first laugh in an age) then saw what you had written about your Dad. I am so, so sorry. You always sound so lovely and I’m just gutted for this new turn of events in your life.

Oh it's been going on a while now @Nankles ! I swear to god, my parents have been a total pain in the arse for years now. And I've told them both this numerous times. Usually when I'm sorting out bloody iPad issues for them!!

Hard times right now aren't they? I'm looking forward to maybe feeling alright again one day. I'll be about 20 stone from all the creme egg eating but might feel better in myself. Really hope you're ok!

The hard part is - and I know this sounds deranged - that there's still a huge bit of my brain that doesn't believe she's gone and I keep expecting to have a lovely chat with her about how nice it all was and did she like the flowers? I assume this is a normal stress response and the bubble will pop at some point but it's very odd

Oh god yes. I want so muxh to tell her how it went. To call her and say what happened and I had a call from an old school friend who hadn't known and who was so sad that she hadn't been there. I just want to talk to my mummy 😢

@megabat your messages do make me smile. We need humour to get us through the hard times. Was only a few months ago I was sorting out a new router and talking dad through a replacement tv remote control (nearly throttled him) which I now look back on and laugh. Embrace the creme eggs if they keep you going. Thinking of you tomorrow.

Funniest thing that happened yesterday was he wrong bloody song! I'd asked for Rod Stewart singing 'Wonderful World ' Louis Armstrong and we all walked out, instead we got Sam cooke' s version!! horrifyingly funny 😁

*as we walked out