Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

@minicat79 yes it's awful and yes you may well feel like you won't stop crying. The kind and body are weird though and trust me, you have to stop crying at certain points or you'd literally just dissolve!

I've not had my best ever day I must admit. I just miss her right now really.

*mind

@minicat I’m so very sorry. What a terrible shock for you. I cannot imagine how blindsided you must be feeling and all these emotions hitting you with no warning. Take care and wishing you strength.

@tixywixy you have every right to grieve for your FIL. He was clearly much loved and a huge part of your life for many years. My H adored my Dad, he is very distressed with what is happening and I don’t for a minute think he should ever feel the need to shield me from that.

@megabat how are you doing today?

Hello all. I was on the one of the previous threads. My dad died in September. I've been having a very tough few weeks with it, the worst I've felt since lost him. A real mixture of anger and depression.

I don't think I'm very easy to live with at the moment, but at the same time, I think my DP forgets how recently I've had a bereavement. (I keep wondering if I'm being unreasonable...).

And we're about to welcome home our new baby adopted son (the timing was somewhat outside of our control - he's the biological brother of our adopted daughter, who was removed from his birth mother at birth, not that long before my dad died). So my head is a bit all over the place with births and deaths. Just need to dig deep to do the right thing for this little guy.

Sorry for the moan.

Hello Rainatnight, goodness you are having to contend with such a heavy load. I’m sorry things feel so overwhelming. There seems to be absolutely no rhyme or reason with grief as to why some days seem slightly more bearable than others - and vice versa. It is still very early days for you and with another huge change to your life on the horizon it must be a struggle to know where your emotions are from one hour to the next. You will do all you can for your new son - don’t doubt that - and I hope he will provide some joy and distraction for you through the difficult times. X

Just popping on to say deepest sympathy to all of our new posters. I know how difficult and upsetting these early days are. Your world has been turned upside down, and at times it seems the future looks so bleak without our loved ones. I can't lie and say it's easy, but I can say that in time you can accept what has happened and get on with your life, even though your previous life has gone. Life can still be good.
Sadly you can't rush through your grief, but in these early days try not to look forward too far as this in itself can be very upsetting. Day by day is enough to cope with.
I think there are quite a lot of people find that people you thought would be supportive turn out not to be.
Lovely to see the huge support still continuing on this thread. It is so helpful to everyone when you don't know where to turn. A few kind words can make such a huge difference.
Thinking of you all. 💐💐💐

Thanks to everyone who's been posting here with support from their own experiences. I've been lurking for a few weeks, anticipating. And now I'm here - my mum died on Saturday. She had been diagnosed with terminal cancer last year, but had been relatively well for much of the year, and then quite ill, with some ups and downs, and then a steady deterioration, since early December. She'd been waiting for a hospice bed and died less than a day after being admitted. She died first thing in the morning- and just an hour after texting Dad to say all was well and she'd had a good night. So it's both a huge shock and of course not in another way.

This week hadn't been too bad - we've had lots of help from her church and lovely friends in making arrangements, and I felt able to hold it together and stay strong for Dad. They live at the other end of the country so I'd been staying with him. Then yesterday I drove home to spend some time with my own DH/DC and for a planned call with my boss about some 'HR matters' and found out I'm being made redundant. I literally cannot believe the timing can be so cruel - losing my mum and then my job in the same week. I've gone from feeling sad but calm to utterly outraged and overwrought, and an almost physical pain, like the grief is bursting out of my head. It's so hard.

I'm so sorry for everyone else's losses and touched to hear the wisdom of those who've lived with it for longer.

@dotty2 oh how hard for you! I have no words of wisdom really as I'm only a week and a half in myself. Please try and be kind to yourself and don't - whatever you do - allow yourself to become run down by taking on too much. That's what is helping me right now - if I don't have to do it, I don't.

It's just terrible to lose your mum (or dad) and I am with you all the way to 'recovery' - as are all the other posters here. They've already helped me a lot

It really does help reading all the supportive messages on here. I think the post about not looking too far ahead is important as when I think about special days like Mothers Day and birthdays it is breaking my heart. I’m not sure when it’s going to sink in either because I keep thinking about calling her.

I had the phone call from the coroner today and she was so reassuring and I felt so comforted knowing she wouldn’t have known anything about it. Tonight though I’m now worrying the GP missed the heart disease and was treating her for the wrong thing (atrial fibrillation). She actually had a consultant apt booked for next Tuesday following up on some tests from last August.

I have to go back to her flat tomorrow with her sisters and I’m dreading it.

I’ve had both my boys off school sick this week too and it’s almost too much to handle.

@minicat79 you're right. It absolutely is almost too much to handle. But isn't it strange that, by taking it a tiny step at a time, we ARE handling it?

I have no idea how I'm handling it. I've cried twice today but apart from that, I'm alright. I don't think Mother's Day looks large for me to be honest. What has bothered me today is that we still had stuff to do. Shopping trips to go on. Seeing her grandchildren do more things. She was 69 and that's just a ridiculous age to die.

But then... I read about someone yesterday who is dying aged 35. And although it's no race to the bottom, it puts it into perspective - for me at least.

Oh I don't know. I'm just talking nonsense

@MegaBat I’m so sorry 69 is a ridiculous age to die you’re right. It’s the future things they’ve missed out on that hurts isn’t it? I keep thinking my mum would have loved hearing about my eldest starting high school in September. We’ve booked a trip to London in April and she wanted to pay for our train tickets. When I started clearing things out of her drawers yesterday I found gift vouchers from Christmas she hadn’t used yet. So painful.

You’re not talking nonsense at all.

Yes, painful is the right word for it. Going through their possessions just feels weird doesn't it? My mum was a full on shopper extraordinaire - lots of Tiffany and Hermes jewellery and mulberry handbags for example. It was just 'who she was.' I used to joke and tell her I'd be having the lot as soon as she popped off and we'd laugh.

My brother is reading something out at her funeral on my behalf and part of what I've written is ' I'm only surprised that John Lewis haven't sent along a representative today. We'd like to send our condolences to them as they will no doubt be seeing a plunge in profits now.' (I promise she'd find this very funny.)

Whilst in hospital she had delirium caused by being in ICU for a week. So although she knew exactly who I was etc, she seemed rather oblivious for the most part, as to her condition. But she said to me - twice - 'make sure you take my jewellery.' I laughed and said 'oh don't you worry - you need to get better ASAP or I'll be whipping the lot' - and we both laughed. I'm not particularly laughing now though

All just sucks doesn't it?

It really does. My mum was in her early 80s so - although it's not a 'race to the bottom' - I do find comfort in thinking that she had had a long life and remembering friends and family we've lost much younger. I recently lost a cousin in her 50s and a friend in her 30s. So I find it comforting to remind myself that she had so much more time than so many - I do feel for you, @Megabat, losing your mum still in her 60s, that must be even harder, and @minicat, losing your mum so suddenly. I am feeling relatively calm again today, and because mum was ill for so long, I think the grief is sort of balanced out by the absence of worry. For months and months I was dreading her symptoms getting worse and the first signs of the end, and we were on a roller coaster of having a little hope, having it taken away, and then some fresh hope. So although bleak the situation feels peaceful now, in one way. Thinking of everyone walking the same road today.

So very sorry, dotty2. It genuinely is a physical pain - for weeks I had a pain right in the middle of my breastbone like a knife. I had a similar shock-but-not-a-shock - I rang the nursing home at 8am and they said my dad had had a good night and was out of bed eating breakfast, and then at 10 they rang and said 'Come NOW' and within ten minutes of me getting there he'd gone.

Megabat I think sometimes talking nonsense is what we need. It's just a way to process something so incomprehensible. Ramble away.

Such a strange day today emptying my mum’s flat. I’d already spent two days there this week but today other family members came (her sisters). Of course they are grieving too but I found it so painful discussing the items people could have. It wasn’t even sentimental things but things like the fireplace and the three piece suite. I can’t get my head round it.
To top off a terrible week my MIL has been taken into hospital by ambulance today so my partner has gone to stay with his dad tonight. He has Alzheimer’s so it’s a difficult situation. Feel like I’m walking through treacle today.

@MegaBat I love what you’ve written to be read out at your mum’s funeral about John Lewis. It’s in good humour and a perfect way to remember your mum. You knew her best. The funeral director told me to include some light hearted things but I am struggling.

My dear dad is at peace now. My mum, my sister and I were all with him when he slipped away today. The weeks of anticipatory grief haven’t prepared me for this next chapter. I’m numb, in disbelief. And can’t imagine my life going on without him.

Nankles so very sorry for your loss. It hits you like a sledgehammer dosent it in the ensuing hours afterwards. I am glad you were able to be with your dad and your family at the end, I'm sure he was comforted by that. The next few days can get quite hectic with having to do this that and the other, but do take a breather and try and find some time to yourself to catch your breath. Remember to eat, and I hope you can sleep. We will be here when you need a shoulder or two 💐💐💐

So very sorry, Nankles. I hope the fact that you were all with him will bring you comfort in the days and week to come

So sorry nankles

@Nankles just hang in there right now. As you know I'm only ten days in myself so no expert here but what I can say is be kind to yourself and make sure you rest. Let yourself feel what you feel. I know how this feels and all you can do is just get through tonight for now. Let's see where you are tomorrow

@minicat79 instead of thinking of lighthearted things to say, would it help to think in terms of fond memories you shared or some silly jokes you had between you? Just a few things that you feel sum up your mum. So - for me - this would be shopaholic, lover of nice things, addicted to whatsapping and always hassling me if I dared to not message her for about, oohhh, an hour
So maybe just try and find your way with a few memories for now

So so awful this weekend. Its the funeral on Wednesday and I have written a tribute which I know, if my witch sister does turn up, she will be sniggering and being vile about. She 'hasn't decided' yet apparently, according to my source. It's more stressful thinking that she will be there than trying to grieve. We have dealt with most of the paperwork, estate type stuff and I am just exhausted with it all - with everything. I feel like I want to just not go to the funeral and drive a long way away.

@Nankles, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and wish you strength and some sleep.

@Lepetitpiggy - that sounds really tough about your sister. Will her nastiness be outweighed by kind and supportive relatives/friends? I do hope so.

Hi again. So much shit going on to add to this. DD has asked her partner and father of her two children to leave. I knew she was unhappy - things weren't good, I wont go into it. I spent hours with her last night as she was weeping and dealing with pure unpleasantness from his mother - who has taken it upon herself to get involved. Its all so nasty.
Tomorrow is the funeral I am just going to take my diazepam, get through it and not give a toss if my sister is there. She means nothing to me, my family need me

Oh Lepe what a tough time you and your family are going through. Feel so,sorry for your dd too. It seems almost too much to get through, but you will, have no doubt about that. We can usually cope better than we give ourselves credit for.
If your sister turns up, just try and ignore her, I know it may be difficult, but if you don't engage she can't say anything to you.
Your dd,s partners mother needs to butt out, it's between your dd and him.
I hope all will go as well as it can tomorrow 💐