Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Caider gosh no don't feel bad bombarding us with negatives, not that you are, but if we all can't be open and honest about how we are feeling then there really will be nowhere left to turn because I'm not sure if the people around us in everyday life would get it. Not properly anyway.

Wood thank you so much for the thoughts I hope you are doing ok.

Shiney are the dc's feeling any better? Is dt1 out of hospital yet?

Siencyn I hope today has been better for you.

And I hope the rest of you are all well, and getting through the days with happy times.

Arm, I'm feeling a lot better today. Dd1 and I spent the day making christmas stockings from bits of Christmassy fabric. We made two so far, hers and Azra's. We are going to make one for each of us, including the new baby inside of me, so that when we hang them, we can all be together, as we should be

3littlebadgers I am so happy to hear it! such a cute idea and I bet you both are having so much fun with them! I'd love to see pics when they are all done!

Shiney Thinking of you and sending all the healing thoughts i can, I hope you are doing okay. I hope DT1 is all better soon the poor dear.

Oh Shiney I hope dt1 picks up soon, poor little lamb. I am thinking of you all. Shall we all just hide in a cave for Christmas?

I'm sure Santa can, find the cave

A cave sounds like a good idea ... I think I need hibernate for the winter. We have Thanksgiving here (and I am not feeling particularly thankful) and then Christmas. DS2 is excited, of course, but I'm dreading it.

Can I gather again comfortably? I've posted before on and off for years. DD died after being very sick at birth aged 2. Having problems with later children (well son who is autistic), lone parent now and miss DD so much at the moment and then feel guilty about how much stress I feel with everyday problems.

Shiney Thank you for saying that.
Hope you are doing okay, and the kids are on the mend.

Soy I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. Do post here -- it can help.

Again I haven't been here for such a long time. I'm sitting in my special chair and wondering whether it is because I feel numb due to the anti-d's or if it is because in fact this year has been incredibly hard and the loss of my beautiful girl is too close to the surface and therefore just too hard to process. I'm having a great big cry at the moment which had come out of the blue but must have been needed.

I hope you are all travelling as well and safely as you can through this rocky and shitty path we are on.

The past month I have had quite a lot of nightmares and horrible dreams. Do any of you suffer from that. It hasn't really happened to me before like it is now.

Mojito I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time. Yes and yes to the nightmares and dreams. I barely get through the night without them. I think it is our minds trying to process what we have been and are going through. If I could wake up and forget them I'd be happy, but I tend to dwell on them during the day too.

Wood, I think Shiney is right and that ds2's excitement is due to you doing your best at keeping things normal for him. When Azra died I was devastated for my living children too, that somehow there lives would be forever changed, forever sad, forever missing that innocence that they once had, I hoped and prayed that I'd be able to get it right for them, to still give them that childhood that I had envisaged for them. Your doing that my darling, DS2 is proof of that.

Soy, please use here to get your stresses out, in the hopes that it makes your RL more easy to bare. The ladies on here are so supportive and not at all judgemental, they have been a real blessing to me.

Shiney how are you all getting on? Any improvement in the pox situation?

To the rest of you lovely ladies I hope today and the weekend ahead will be a happy one.

Mojito So sorry you are having such a rough time. Nightmares sound terrible. I hope those ease off for you soon.
Like Shiney, I haven't been having nightmares, but do have the flashbacks.

3 Thank you so much.
I am so sorry about the dreams and nightmares. Hugs.

Shiney So glad there has been improvement! Hope you are doing alright as well.

November has been off to a bad start here. There was an All Souls service where Dominic's name was read out, and we lit a candle. I was glad to do it, but seeing his little face in a photo amongst the photos of all the elderly parishioners who had passed away was difficult.

Then DH has the marvelous luck to break 4 vertebrae. He is doing okay just a lot of pain but the nighttime ER visit was not the best. I had to take DS2 with me, and he has been "off" ever since. He came with us to the ER when we took his brother. He wasn't there long, as my mom came and got him, but it seems as though he remembers. Not to mention probably being scared of seeing his dad in a hospital bed.

There has been a lot of stress with grandparents as well (not doing well, and another family member basically taking over, despite their wishes, etc) and family drama.

Dominic's birthday is next week, and I am not totally sure what I want to do. I am taking treats into school, but don't know at home ... how do you mark birthdays?

Best wishes to all.

Thank you you all seem to have full plates too.

I guess having so many difficulties with being autistic is taking it's toll. I've tried so much to be thankful for having living, healthy children but in some ways it's tougher than having a severely disabled child who needed extreme medical care.

Being single and wanting time for me and trying to give DD (nt) time. It seems a never-ending fight.

mojito all the hugs and best wishes I can send your way, I still have flashbacks at random that are completely out of my control and it's horrible. I feel for you hugs

soy much love to you, I'm so sorry it's difficult right now but do not beat yourself up, you are doing your hardest and it is absolutely admirable in my hearts opinion.

wood I agree with shiney and 3, giving them love and doing the best you can is far more than we give ourselves credit for hugs I am so sorry that such things are going on and i'm glad your DH is okay but so sorry he got hurt. I sympathize with your DS2, I can't go into the ER where my DS was declared gone without horrific flashbacks and tears and for a little one to remember will certainly have them acting off. I suggest for DS2 to continue reassuring him that his daddy is okay and will come home almost as good as new to help distract him to the present rather than the past where DS1 was and help him 'acclimate' so to speak. Family drama never is fun, i hope things get sorted out properly versus the other party going against what these wishes are.

For my Caiden we went out to the lake and lit a chinese lantern and read a book out loud to him and sang his favorite song 'wheels on the bus'. I prefer to mark the calendar as " Caiden's Day' where we celebrate his memory and do things he liked and other things I mentioned before. I agree with Shiney that you can mark it however you want to, but I felt sharing might help too. For me not marking anything felt like I was insinuating he never existed and that hurt far worse to me.

shiney Sounds like good improvements have been made, i'm hoping it continues at a fast pace :D and coffee...I certainly need some right now.

My poor sammi has a cold on top of teething like mad, all her uppers are coming in back to back and I can only imagine how she must be feeling. That and her hard page books look like termites got ahold of them from her chewing on them any chance she gets. I've also been sulking, last night it hit me that no matter how careful I was, how I always checked on him and always made sure he was safe, that even then things are completely out of my control, and that thought hurt and scares me. Is it normal to not be able to envision what she may be in the dating arena? i know she is only 1 and it is beyond silly, but with my little man i couldn't envision him as an adult and then June happened. I fear I have become paranoid in areas I shouldn't be because of it and I don't want to smother Sammi to the point she can't even make a move on her own.

I hope everyone here is having a better day, and if it is a low day hang in there hugs I'm thinking about you all.

I should probably explain the latter of my post above.

For me, I found it odd i could not envision my DS as an adult even though he was 4 and could talk a little and my intuition threw up a red flag that I chose to ignore and chalk up to my imagination. because i did not pay attention to this 'gut feeling' something terrible happened to him, and i fear the same for my DD. i know it is silly to talk about something like dating because she is a child, but this silly fear has gotten a deep hold on me that if I can't get a 'feeling' on something then something bad is to happen. I know it sounds insane but I can't help but fret about it, I don't want to smother my DD as I said with super monitoring or constantly being in her shadow to not allow her to thrive on her own is what I meant. sorry if there was any confusion, I tend to not make much sense when I get stressed.

shiney Don't ever feel you have to apologize, the best way to show how we all know what the other is experiencing is to share said experiences, and you needed to let it out, it is more than okay hugs I'm so happy to hear he is doing so well, grumpy about being taken out of bed or not he is still doing so well, again I'm happy to hear it :D and thanks for your input, I tend to get scared more easily now about these things and I'm happy I could bring them here. Today I counted what teeth I could see coming through for sammi, a whopping 8! my poor sugar bee is a not only grumpy from that but a cold to boot! She can't go on the trip with me sick to an even colder climate, I'm going to have to ensure someone I can trust will watch her at home where she is safe and try to not have panic attacks as I can't cancel the trip so close to the date.

Oh Wood so much on your plate. I'm thinking of you and your lovely family and wishing you pleanty of strength to get through.

Caider I had very similar feelings with Azra, the morning before we found out her heart had stopped I cried and said I couldn't imagine her in the cot. Now I have similar intrusive thoughts about it with my other dc, that I can't imagine them growing up etc, and the baby I am carrying, that he won't ever be here. I discussed it with the psychologist at the maternity unit. She said it is quite common for mothers who have lost a child. She said it is our minds way of trying to pretend we had/have some control of the situation. She said that the shock of the loss means we are subconsciously trying to protect ourselves from it happening again, and while we would definately NOT want to lose another child, somehow preparing ourselves that it will happen again by spotting the 'signs' is our minds way of protecting ourselves from that again, despite all of the anxiety it causes at the same time. I haven't managed to explain myself very well but I hope it helps you to know that what you are feeling is very normal and no indication of future loss. Despite knowing that I still have those thoughts, particularly after dreams, but in my more lucid moments it helps to know.

Shiney I am glad everyone is slowly getting there, may they go from strength to strength.

Soy be kind to yourself my lovely, I don't know of any family who feels they have the balance right. You are trying your best by them all. That is all anyone can ask.

Shiney Thank you. I do get some help, as my mom lives nearby (both good and bad, though!), and DH is at least getting around, now.
Hope you have been managing okay, and the kids are all on the mend.

And focusing on the present, rather than thinking of the future, sounds good. I try to enjoy some of the little things, as the future seems so beyond one's control.
Thinking of you ... Hugs.

Caider Thank you. And Caiden's Day sounds wonderful.

I just got an email from the 1st grade teacher (DS would have been in her class) and said that the children have asked to celebrate his birthday, and all the kids in the school will wear blue shirts (his favorite color), which I think will be lovely.

Oh, teething is miserable! I hope it passes soon, and she gets over her cold quickly.

Try not to fret about not picturing her older ... I can't really imagine my DS2 older, but I thought I had an idea what DS1 would be like. It is more about their personalities DS1 was so caring and outgoing rather mature in his interactions with other people, even adults, so that is why, I think. hugs.

Badgers Thank you! Hope you are doing alright.

Shiney we're starting to get more at home help... After dizzying merry go rounds of OT, SLT and physio. Amazingly a new head has started at his school and is so supportive of special needs. The school liasion officer too has been brilliant. He's kicking up apallingly with so much force and continuity between us and we're fighting for his psychology consult.

I've been dating someone recently, he's the first ever person to meet the kids... Involved DS acting up in Lidl trying to rub nuts over anaphylactic DD etc etc so between that and meeting the manic family he did okay

Did I kill thread?