Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Today is my precious buddy, Matt's, 32nd birthday.

Matt.........a lover, a laugher, a 'crackpot'. He loved life and lived every minute as if it was his last. Today, on Facebook, I have got the most beautiful, heartfelt messages from his school mates, teachers and friends. Although he was just 7 years old when he was killed he certainly made his mark on this world. Until we meet again Matt I want you to know that brought the sunshine back to our world when you arrived 2 years after your big brother Gareth died. You made Dan a big brother again and he loved you with a passion. Dont rest in peace my love......give them hell in heaven. xxx

Shabbs it's so hard isn't it? Sending you the love and strength you have always sent me xx

Oh shabbs, Happy birthday beautiful Matt.

darumafan, I will be thinking of you on Sunday it is so very very hard

Anna, hang on in there. Have you spoken to Child Bereavement UK? They were so helpful to me and the children after we lost dd2.

Thank you shiney & 3. I really can't express my gratitude in a way that mirrors how I feel. I have been writing sentences and erased them again. Having you guys acknowledge this pain, I can't even begin to describe how important it is to me.

A friend came to see me today, she's just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I thought it would be good for me to be with someone who needed a friend but I felt absolutely shattered when she left. My energy reserves normally goes into crying and screaming into the pillow.

Lots of love, a.

Xx

Almost forgot 3, I loved your poem.

Oh Anna be kind to yourself. I know you desperately want to support your friend but you need support too.

I spent the months following dd2's death being secretly envious of any adult with a terminal diagnosis, such was my desire to leave this life and be with Dd I completely lost my ability to see how devastating it was for the other person, because to me the idea of having a legitimate get out clause was exactly what I hoped for. I almost welcomed bad news because that is what I was now an expert at, and maybe just maybe it meant I had someone who also understood me too.

It is so hard my lovely. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

I hope your friend has a speedy recovery and a happy long life ahead of her.

3 thank you.

Woke up at 3am and hit a new low. I'm not sure I can survive this. It is just so gigantic this grief. Just shaking and crying and reliving loosing my beautiful little baby girl. Holding her little head between my hands and stroking her dark hair at the hospital just after she'd taken her last breath. It's just inconceivable after having lost our baby son two years ago. I told my husband I think I will need to be hospitalized.

When we lost our son two years ago I used to be able to look at our DD1 and feel comforted. I don't know why but that doesn't help me anymore. Everything in life just feels like a massive reminder of what I've lost. All the things I do through the day, cook, tidy, talk to DD1 and my husband, seeing friends etc - it all feels so fake and pointless.

Xa

Anna, yes it does my lovely. You are perfectly right to be feeling that, because, after you have lost a child, never mind two children, you know that nothing else in comparison matters. Everything seems futile.

You are still in that very raw stage. The stage of shaking and questioning and reliving and trying to bargain with whoever will listen.

Your very being, your maternal instincts are searching for your precious girl. It is going to have a massive impact on you. Don't try and fight it. Let it wash over you, when it comes in waves, and slowly slowly those waves will spread out. Sometimes they will come and knock you off your feet when you least expect it, but it won't be the constant battering you are getting now.

Apart from your husband do you have someone, in real life you can talk to without holding back? Are you in contact with SANDS or anyone? I know they have been a fantastic support to me.

Does your hospital have a maternity psychologist? I'm in the west London area and the one at my hospital was amazing. Pm me if you are in the area and wAnt the details.

It is so bloody awful what you are going through and the physical and mental pain of losing your child is nothing that anyone can even imagine.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Write down all your thoughts and we will listen

Thanks again shiney + 3.

It's over 6 weeks since our loss and I feel no better. Any temporary distraction or relief has been followed by the most horrific darkness. As if the grief is clawing it's way back in way stronger when left unattended for just a moment.

Xa

I have two little urns now. It seems impossible to live after loosing two babies. Two separate full term babies. My doctor told me at our postpartum visit last week that she's never known of anyone loosing two babies before. She said a lot of other very hurtful things too, with all the best intentions of course but for me it made it all so much worse. How do they not know what to say? She said she wishes they had induced me a week sooner. No shit. So do I but you didn't and how is that supposed to help me now? She also said that if we wanted to try again we must not wait too long because of my age (I'm 40). And since my husband won't even hear of it that ripped open the wound a little bit bigger too.

I'm now left alone at home with only this massive, relentless sadness to accompany me.

Many people say grieving won't kill you. Well I think they're wrong. I've read on many medical blogs how common it is to get very sick whilst you're grieving. I also think that people that say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" should somehow be punished. Grief is crippling, not strengthening. You are forever marked by grief. Nothing is the same again, ever - least of all yourself.

Xa

Shiney, yes I'm slowly, slowly starting to accept that life will never be the same again.

Now seeing both therapist and psychiatrist. Gave in to meds and am now a little more able around the house. It got very bad before I saw the psychiatrist and I was nearly sent to the psychiatric emergency room.

Trying to figure out who I am and what my feelings are post treatment. I can't access the sadness in the same way anymore. But maybe it needs to be that way for a while? My therapist said I don't need to think about my losses all the time. Which is what I did. She said it's like my brain decided to relive the day our baby died over and over and over again and that the inability for me to move forward has to do with signs of depression rather than grief. That what I was experiencing was actually preventing me from grieving properly.

Xa

Shiney, I didn't want to live anymore. I started wishing a car would run over me or that my heart would just stop beating. I don't think I'd ever be able to take my own life but my therapist said that if we'd not had the psychiatry intervene it would not have been long before it had gone that way. I had stopped getting out of bed and I had stopped taking care of myself and my family. And it just got worse.

I'm still mourning and I'm still crying but on the AD's I seem to be able to deal with one sadness at a time rather than drowning in the chaos that our losses have created.

I'm trying not to expect too much of myself too soon. But being able to get out of bed and get my little girl ready for school feels good.

Xa

Yesterday was my little twin babys 'remember day.' 34 years..........30 bloody 4 years have passed and yet I spent the day quietly remembering that awful day. No phone calls from Mam & Dad checking that I am ok - thankfully Mams dementia also prevents her remembering the dreadful days. Sat here late last night just looking at pictures of him. You are missed every minute of every day Gareth - you were my little fighter with a bad temper and a sweet smile. xxxxxxx

Thinking of you shabbs, and hoping that today was not to painful for you.

Shabbs, I'm so sorry for your loss. Being just shy of two years from loosing our son I'm slowly realizing the pain will never go away. I'm hoping the love will be greater than the fear one day.

I miss my baby daughter. I want to be grateful for the days she was alive but all I feel is pain. She was so heartbreakingly beautiful. I loved her so intensely. I love her still.

Xa

Hi everybody. Sorry I haven't been here for a while. I've just been keeping my head under my wing and muddling along. I see a couple of new names. I'm sorry you need to be here. Sorry I missed your darling boys' special days Shabbs.

It's coming up to my darling Paddy's third anniversary and I"m struggling. Everything is just so overwhelming and the sadness is constantly here, even more so. I feel that he's so far away and sometimes it's as if he's never even existed but I'm surrounded by memories. Even the happy memories just reinforce that he's gone. How can such a vibrant life just be stopped? I'm busy getting the garden ready for my DS1's wedding in three weeks and this should be a happy and joyful time but it just underlines Paddy's absence even more so.

I miss my boy so much.

Hiya Lily - good to see you on here - just sorry that we all have to 'be here.' The grief sometimes feels overwhelming doesn't it. Thinking about you and your precious lad xxxx

Im finally back home in wiltshire, and feeling very muddled, happy to be home but sad that 12 years of my life have now gone. Although Pips visited here she never lived here which upsets me and it was my mums 4th anniversary of her death on friday. So much has happened in such a short space of time. The boys are settling in well and Henry celebrated his first birthday by walking, all these milestones and noone to share them with, the holidays are nearly over and all i hear is people moaning about their kids and i just want to scream at them because they really dont know how lucky they are, vent over, just very very muddled feelings this weekend.

Phillipa - sounds like you are having a hard time - am sending my love and thoughts to you.

Today I decided to have a 'chuck out.' We have a large cupboard upstairs that used to house the immersion heater. It is, I admit, full of junk. Got everything sorted and then found Matts scruffy school bag from 24 Summers ago.....it was brand new but it has made me laugh when I realise how mucky it was!! I picked his school jacket up and realised that it would make a great Winters coat for another skinny little 8 year old - its in beautiful condition. I found his almost empty packet of 'scabby fries' (scampy fries) which also had a dead worm in them....I found one pe plimsoll which had a small hole in the sole. His favourite shirt and his Beavers sweat shirt with his badges sewn on. I put the crisp packet (and the dead worm) in the bin and his lovely jacket in the charity bag. The one plimsoll, his bag, his shirt and the Beavers shirt went into a new little hiding place. A place when things get too hard I can go and look in the bag and smile and cry a little.....and marvel how one little lad can lose a plimsoll, have a hole in the other, have a filthy school bag and crisp and a dead worm all in one bag!!!! Miss you Matt xxx