Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Shiney its ok! It wasn't anything asap. It can wait a week or two. It was a follow up with the respiratory therapist. She follows and sees us lung patients so we know we're doing well. Xx

I'm snuggling my baby's movies tonight. I am sad. Her Molly Bear (weighted bear) was sent back to be fixed. So I'm snuggling these guys tonight. Four days till her birthday

Lovies *

Thank you shiney, I'm trying to be kind to myself but I can't help but wondering what I did wrong this time. Keep catching myself "bargaining" over and over and over again. It's so painful.

Does anyone know anything about anti depressants? Several family and friends have told me they think I should go on them. I never have before. I think they all feel they want to somehow take this pain away from me but I'm not sure it's the right way. I'm seeing a grief counselor on Wednesday and I'm seeing a Psychiatrist in about 3 weeks.

Xa

Anna I'm very sorry.
Thinking of you all.

Thank you wood.

I think I've hit a new low. Can't make myself get out of bed today. I see no point.

Husband made me leave the house for a walk yesterday. Babies everywhere. Ended with me nearly passing out from crying. Now I don't want to ever leave the house again.

Hi, just wanted to remember my darling Malachy who was. Ron sleeping six years ago today. I know I don't stop by here very often but the support and love I received on here in that first year helped me through. Thinking of you all and I'm sorry to see new names on here; this road we've all travelled is the shittiest.

Shiney, thank you. I'm reading this book about a woman who lost her two children and her husband in the tsunami. Her grief feels so similar to mine. I really feel like I'm loosing it. I just want to curl up into a ball and be held by my husband until it goes away.

The thing I can't get out of my head is I should have been more vigilant counting kicks. I did count them but maybe I wasn't doing it often enough. I could feel her move so much of the time that maybe I stopped worrying. Even though our little girl still had a heartbeat when I first came to the hospital there must have been decreased movements before then. Loosing her just wasn't something that was a possible outcome at that point. It makes my body turn cold and stiff just thinking about it. These awful pangs of adrenaline are surging and ripping in my chest.

Xa

Hi Anna So sorry it has been a difficult time. Sometimes it does just all seem too much. Hang in there.
Is that Wave ? I found that one uesful as well, as her descriptions of her grief were apt.

Saying "don't blame yourself" isn't helpful, I know, but it is true ... I know I still replay the "what ifs," and what would have been if we had gone to the doctor sooner, or a different doctor, etc. I really try not to focus on that anymore, but it is hard, and I relapse.
((hugs))

Hi Tomsfun Thinking of you and Malachy.

Wood, thank you. I've been going over those last two days so many times in my head today I feel old and exhausted just thinking about it. The truth is I've always been a nervous wreck when pregnant. I think I have to let go of the guilt. I painfully analyzed every second of this pregnancy from day one to the end (always anticipating death) and even if I didn't "count" the kicks all the time I was constantly aware of movement or non movement.

She died despite everything that was done to try to save her.

I'm now dreading the next phase grief will throw at me. There's always something worse around the corner. And then sometimes grief decides to start all over from scratch.

I miss the pre grief me. I think of my blissful innocence. I knew nothing (like John Snow).

My husband drove me to the sea today. He let me sit and look at the waves. I can't say it was healing because I'm so, so far from those feelings but I'm glad I went.

Happy Birthday sweet Calypso. My ocean baby. On this day at this time 9 years ago you came into the world and changed it so. My heart hurts for you Pai. I miss you and my heart knows it's not complete because you toom a part of it with you. We are connected through heartstrings and though they get stretched they never break. Xxx
Calypso Paikea Rhyder born 6/14/2007 at 29 weeks 5 days. 3 lbs 1.9 oz and 13 inches long.

The phase of total bewilderment have started. I can't remember the simplest of things. And I keep loosing my train of thought. I start a conversation and it dies off when I forget what I wanted to say.

The sadness is ripping at my insides. I feel nauseous and I can't eat. And those horrible adrenaline fueled surges. And the sensitivity to noise.

The tsunami book I'm reading isn't translated to English unfortunately, I checked. It's by a woman called Malin Sävstam. Her experience so resonates with me. It's not helping but it calms me a bit.

I got back into bed after taking DD1 to schools. Can't motivate myself to do anything else.

The grief counselor I was supposed to see today cancelled.

Xa

Sometimes it's just knowing that I'm not alone in my grief, not that I would wish this on anyone but it makes it a bit more bearable if you get what I mean...
I have over the last few months been gathering my thoughts and making plans, the divorce is nearly complete, stbxh is giving me anything I want, he has realised (far to late) that he has made the biggest mistake of his life, but the damage has been done, the boys and I are all set for our move back to Wiltshire in August.
Stbxh's mum was diagnosed with dementia last summer, and sadly has passed away a few days ago, in all honesty it is a blessing, such a cruel disease. Now I am left having to tell Aubrey that he is not allowed to attend his Nanas funeral as Grandad and daddy don't want him getting upset.......he's 7.5 years old and knew that Nana had a forgetting bug and has died, he's already been to his little sisters funeral, the two simply will not compare, I'm so upset for him. I have put my case across for him attending but will not push it, it's simply not worth it and we will do something special just us and his little brothers.
Elliott continues to be captain disaster and Henry who is now 10 months old is desperately trying to walk and considering how much dark hair he was born with now has a head full of white blond hair like his sister.
Life is moving forward, not how I envisioned but I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family and three very special little boys.

Cathpip, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It will be good to be near your family so that they can give you love and support. Your little boys sound amazing.

I'm again just on the bed trying to make sense of the chaos in my chest and head. Sat and looked at the pictures from the NICU of our beautiful girl. I just can't believe she isn't here. We got the ashes back and every time I look at the box I feel like someone kicked my guts.

We made an album for her instead of a memory box. I couldn't stand having two of those awful boxes.

When we lost our son two years ago I felt like I was aging years in just a few months. This time I can feel it happening. It's like my emotions are reflected in my whole being. I can see my skin getting dull and dry and my face, let's not even go there.

Xa

Cathpip I am so very sorry for all your sadness. Life sometimes is a 'crock' - wish I could help in some way - but also know there is nothing I can do. Please keep posting even if it is to say that you are peed off. xxxx

Anna I still have issues with conversations on bad days.

It might not help but I wanted to suggest it. Are you in a situation you can plant a tree or make a memorial garden.

Right after my loss throwing myself into making a garden helped and I'd talk to the plants. And it was very cathartic.

Under, thanks so much. Unfortunately we don't have enough outdoor space for something like that. Your memorial garden sounds like such a beautiful project.

When we lost our son two years ago I started swimming a few months down the line, I remember that helping a little bit. But I also had my goals set on getting better as quickly as possible so that we could try again back then. I don't have that hope anymore.

This sorrow is overpowering. I plunge so deep when the surges come. I know some women on this thread have also lost more than one child, and that many years down the line they are still struggling but also coping. It just feels so impossible to imagine a happier place.

I finished the tsunami book.

Thinking about getting a cat or a dog.

Xa

Another day in hell. All these people wanting to fix me. They don't understand. How can anyone? I lost two children. I loved them so much. If they want so badly to help me feel better can they bring them back to me? If not please just let me fall apart.

Hello everyone, I've not been here in a while [waves at those I know] so very sorry to see new names, I wish it could be different for you all and I am so very sorry that your precious and beautiful children had to die.

My little Azra should be 15 months old now and in my minds eye she should be toddling around with her little fingers curled around one of mine. I pray every night that I'll see her in my dreams and desperately search my memory for her in the morning when I wake, anything to spend time with even just an image of her, but I could count on one hand the times I did dream of her.

I wrote a poem for her which I'd like to share with you all, as you'd understand.

I'm linked to you by gossamer strings which glisten in the sun,

A mother-daughter bond of love, its knots can't be undone.
Though time may stretch those fragile strings, and life to them entwine
Those threads of fragile gossamer connect your soul and mine.

My empty arms are heavy and tears have stained my face,
I carefully weave those threads so fine, with memories to make lace.
The lace I shape with hope untold to make such pretty wings,
As a present for the little child who plays on gossamer strings.

Just as the tangled butterfly attracts death in their snare
I pull those threads of gossamer with hope I'll find you there.
Alas the strings between us stretch beyond this world of mine,
And float, as if on gentle breeze beyond the stars that shine.

Amongst those stars, my little one, is where you dance and sing.
And write 'I love you mummy' with that fragile gossamer string .

In memory of Azra 12/03/15

I hope today brings you all some peace

Hi
I feel like I'm gate crashing a bit and my post may be a bit rambling but wanted to get things out of my head.
I have two lovely dd's but I had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks in Feb 2015 when I lost my ds - he would have been turning one about now and I feel crippled with grief. I have been trying to shoulder most of the grief alone - I released a balloon this afternoon and have just basically cried and cried all day. I have fertility issues so the likelihood of another pregnancy is now slim. I can't get it out of my head that he should be with us and what he would be doing now. I ended up going to a private psychic reading last Thursday and I think that's made things worse somehow. The psychic was very good (I went in not really believing anything) but one of the first things he said was that I had a miscarriage, a little boy. He told me that he had mousey coloured hair and blue eyes and looked like my husband which is exactly how I imagined him to look - a cross between my other two children. He told me that he was holding a note (I had left a little note with him at his cremation). He told me that I still have the ashes - which I do and that I have been trying to get pregnant again - which I have (without success). The psychic told me lots of things about my late granddad who was more like a father figure to me- the fact that he liked fishing and that he was an engineer and that he was close by my little one. He told me that my parents are separated (which they are) and asked me who is John (he is my dad). He said that I was worried about my little dd and accurately told me what my worries are - but said she was going to do much better than I think. He told me my eldest dd's birthday is coming up - which it is. He also said what's this about living near water or having a canal boat - which is something I had been thinking about and trying to escape to. The thing is I think that describing my late ds has made me even more sad like somehow I can't get to him as if he is existing somewhere else happily without me. I felt comforted by all the stuff about my grandparents but upset about late ds. I know that this could be all nonsense but so much rang true (although other bits didn't quite seem to fit). It's hard having someone else confirm what you are missing. I really seem to have lost the plot this weekend with it all. I hope this doesn't cause anyone distress reading this, I just didn't know where or how to post. I am so sorry that there is so much sadness, living with it isn't easy is it?

Shiney thinking of you today

Shiney did you go to counseling? I had my first meeting with mine last week. I'm not sure if it helped but I felt a little lighter afterwards.

I'm so scared of my feelings. I feel as if they are consuming me. And I feel hollow, as if everything has lost its meaning. The only thing that keeps me going is DD1 but its excruciating to play with her as all she wants to do is play baby, hospital or sick baby. She misses her little sister so much and I know her play is part of her processing her grief but I'm hurting so much.

Xa

It's the fourth anniversary of James death on Sunday. It hurts, more than I was expecting it to. I'm in the process of getting my parents house ready to sell and the reality of losing my son and my parents in such a short period of time is hitting me hard.

How could such a powerful life force just end? Where has that energy gone? He was a whirlwind of laughter, joy, tears and rage.

He wasn't perfect, he was angry and said hurtful things to the people who love him. He could be difficult and Moody but equally he was loving and caring, one of his friends reminded me yesterday of the time they found an injured raven and he looked after it until the RSPB could get there. James cancelled his plans and nicknamed the bird Edgar.

He was my beautiful, blue eyed boy. I love and miss him every single day. I wish that I could have saved him.