Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

I haven't found the word yet... lost? devastated? heartbroken? angry? tired?
All of the above? None of the above?

weirdly awful? lost and alone? Dont think there are enough appropriate words in the dictionary xxx

Hello to all my dear old friends and hello to those of you who have posted recently. Up and down this horrible nightmare merry-go-round I'm on goes. It never allows me to get off and just either speeds up faster or plods along.

I have been reading all the words used to describe what we live with and agree it is all of those things as well as so many more.

I'm not sure if this is funny or not but I saw a new psych yesterday as it is time again to unpack all that the loss of my daughter has brought. 7.5 years on and just a simple question about her loss set the tears in motion. I don't think he was expecting the level of emotion it evoked and basically gave me a look of "oh f**k". As hard as it is I still find every now and then humour in the situation. I had a chuckle to myself when I was reflecting on his reaction and comment about the tears and the fact he really has no idea at all about what is to come as that really was just the tip of the iceberg.

Shabbs - to your beautiful boy Matt. I love that you remember him here but also realise one day I will be in your shoes saying it is 24 years since my darling girl passed. How I wish you weren't in that place or that I didn't have that to come.

I had a light bulb moment today. I can't believe how dim witted (no pun intended) I have been.

I always find great comfort from you all on this site. I know it's because you understand and are suffering just as I am. I could never explain why it helped until I realised today because each and every one of you are in my corner.

It is so isolating losing a child and must be the same for losing a loved one. Even in those moments of being surrounded by others and as happy as you can be you still seem to stand alone. But when I come here I know I'm not alone and no matter where you are in the world there is always an amazingly strong, loving and completely selfless person out there who acknowledges what I am feeling and walks beside me when I need it.

To each and everyone of you - THANK YOU

That is wonderfully said, Mojito . Thank you, and everyone as well.

I haven't been on in awhile ... busy with the mundane things of life. Sometimes I feel like there is just so much extraneous, miscellaneous stuff that I can barely think. And how can there be all this stuff on the outside when inside is so dark without my son?

Got DS2 the dog he has always wanted, as now he is alone. He loves it, but has been a royal pain for me. I am even less of a dog person than I had thought! Sigh.
My mother has adopted a little boy recently, which has been difficult. It is a good thing to do (foster system, unwanted, etc) but I told her I didn't really want to be involved much, as it is difficult for me. And who ends up picking him up from school and watching him now once or twice a week?

I feel like screaming. I feel like there is no room to think.

Sorry to ramble on.

Hiya Wood - you are not rambling or moaning or anything else. You are just 'sounding off' somewhere that you can. xxxx

Thanks, shabbs

Wood - you came to he right place. I always find it conflicting to be selfish in those moments you need to be. I don't think it is easy for mothers to or women to be this way yet we all give each other the advice that you should take time for yourself and you are entitled to do that in whatever way works for you. But here you are doing so much for others. Do find done time just got you and don't feel guilty.

My sweet girl Calypso would be 9 on June 14th. She died at 23 days old. This year has been rough. I'm not sure what it is about the age 9 that upsets me so.

We are going to the sea on June 18th and I'll be throwing messages in bottles into the sea in her memory as well as writing her name in the sand

daruma it's strange how people expect us to be the person we were before. I lost my Calypso on July 7, 2007, 20 days later on July 27, 2007 my cousin I grew up with was KIA and then in November of 2007 my Grandmother died. In the following years I've lost my grandfather, 2 dear friends, and a service dog.

I'm wrecked. Brave? I think we are brave in a way because we decided to keep living and not check out. But I sure don't feel brave. I feel scraped and tossed up against rocks. I'm tired and sometimes I want to curl up and just cry for hours.

I'm thinking of you xxx

Thank you Mojito and Shiney Having this thread definitely helps.
"Proper selfishness" -- it does sound like what one needs ... I think the difficulty is we have been taught (especially as women) only the negativity of selfishness. Must try.

Hope you all are managing alright at the moment. So sorry UnderaRock The messages going to sea sounds like a lovely way to talk to your little girl and remember her. Best wishes.

Just lurking in my quiet corner and thinking of you all. Keeping busy and keeping my head above water - just about.

I don't really have anything to say. Just that awful continuous heavy and sad feeling, and feeling guilty if I laugh or enjoy something. I miss the old me. I don't think that the old me should come back sometimes. Paddy was too important to just carry on regardless.

Sending love (and it turns out that I did have something to say after all).

Something on Feb is upsetting me and it might be weird.

Its a copy and paste thing that is in memory of babies who died. But it starts with 'A baby both after a miscarriage of baby loss is a rainbow baby' then it talks about remembering those lost. Why was the first part even in there? I'll never have a rainbow :(

Fb* not Feb

Must admit that I 'hide' a fair amount of stuff on Fbook. Im so sorry that it has made you feel that way xxx

It's almost 4 years since I lost James, it's almost 2 years since my dad died. Mum died 6 months ago.

I'm lonely, even in a room full of people I am alone.

My sister is useless, haven't spoken to her since Boxing Day 2015. She is leaving me to sort out the house, obtain Grant of Representation and talk to Estate Agents. She has never asked if I want to do it or if I would like help doing it. Just the same as when it came to organising the funerals.

Does it ever get easier? I have lost so much, there isn't very many people left to lose now.

I'm tired and sad and lost. Selling mum's house will be the last connection to my past. Once that has gone, there will never be any reason to speak to or see my sister again. Another loss, albeit a very small one in the grand scheme of things. We have been estranged for years but she is my only living close relative apart from Sam.

I feel very adrift and rootless now, I don't actually feel as though I 'belong' anywhere or with anyone.

Totally know what you mean love. Since my beloved Dad died 2 years ago, and my Mam went into a nursing home cause she has dementia, I have felt very similar to how you are feeling right now. xxx

Hi everyone,

My name is Anna and I have been away from here for about two years. We lost our son E at 40 weeks on his due date during labor in August 2012. I spent a lot of time with some women on this board after that. Since then I have been grieving and trying to become pregnant again. Just over two weeks ago I lost another baby. This time at 37,5 weeks. Her heart rate suddenly dropped during a routine visit, we were due to induce the day after. We went on to have an emergency c section. She lost a lot of oxygen during this short span of time. When I woke up I was told she was alive but that there had been a lot of damage to her brain. Our baby girl I lived for one week in the NICU. She died in my arms on the 23rd of May. I'm going mad with grief. No more children will be attempted after this. I don't know what to say or do, I feel empty and desperate and crazy with grief. Sorry if any of this doesn't make sense, my brain isn't working too well at the moment.

I have a daughter, she's 4 and she's terribly sad as well. Her teachers in school are amazing with her but I worry so much about her too having to endure this bottomless sadness at home. All I do is cry. Everything is a trigger.

Xa

Correction, our son E died in August 2014, not 2012.

Anna - so very sorry to hear such devastating sad news. Grief can do so much 'damage' to your heart, soul and wellbeing. My heart goes out to you and your family xxxxx

Annaelisabeth I am so sorry for both of your losses. You are grieving your babies but also not having more children and I understand that hurt. I lost my daughter almost 9 years ago and am unable to have more. Its hard and it hurts but just keep breathing and remember you are allowed to smile and be happy sometimes.

Shiney - I know people who left bedrooms for years because they couldn't touch them either. I kept all my daughters sheets even though she never used them.

I was supposed to have a doctors appointment today and I can't emotionally do it. I'm rescheduling for another day.

Under thank you and I'm deeply saddened to hear of your loss. I don't feel like I will ever recover (recover is the wrong word but I can't find the right one) from this. When our son died, my husband and I agreed we would try one more time, just once. And we agreed we wouldn't carry on if it happened again. This was supposed to be part of our path back to life. Instead I'm now in an even darker place than before.

Breathing is the only thing I can do. I can't eat and I can't motivate myself to do the simplest of chores. I'm trying to sleep the days away. Going outside is a nightmare, babies and kids with siblings and pregnant bellies everywhere. I feel like a punching ball. I never thought I'd be that woman who cries out loud in the street but I am now.

Thanks for the sympathy shabbs. You gave me so much already two years ago.

There's so many layers to this grief. I'm grieving for the son I lost two years ago, for the daughter I lost two weeks ago and for the children I will never again be pregnant with. The doctors haven't been able to figure out what is wrong with me but they all think these two deaths are linked. So even if I could get pregnant again, there's now a greater risk the baby would die again. Also I'm 40 so trying again now seems irresponsible. So closing that door is deeply, deeply saddening too.

My husband says we have been either grieving or pregnant for the past 3 years. He wants to refocus and move on. I hear him but it's all a blur. I know he's right but it hurts too much.

Xa

Shiney thank you