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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

658 replies

LilyTheSavage · 30/07/2015 20:49

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

OP posts:
shabbs · 28/12/2015 19:44

I certainly hope he is lol xxx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 28/12/2015 20:23

Happy Birthday to your darling boys shabbs. Cake

OP posts:
WoodViolets · 05/01/2016 15:17

I was away for the holidays, and so am catching up ...
I hope everyone is finding at least a little bit of peace after the holidays.
Hugs and thoughts out to you all.

Shineyshoes10 · 10/01/2016 22:33

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WoodViolets · 11/01/2016 01:05

Hi Shiney
That IS hard ... I try to tell myself we can only do the best that we can. You are there for your dc, and that is what matters. (hugs)

Shineyshoes10 · 11/01/2016 14:39

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WoodViolets · 14/01/2016 15:55

Flowers Shiney.

I thought things would be better past the holiday, but it is rather worse. I have been doing well putting on "a face," but now just feel terribly low all the time.
It will have been one year next month, and it is just incomprehensible to me. All of DS1's classmates have grown so much, and look so much older (now in 1st grade). With the new year, it just feels like we are even further from him.

Shineyshoes10 · 14/01/2016 23:18

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shabbs · 15/01/2016 15:50

The 'New Year' is so painful. Don't think anything is helped by the weather either........its almost dark here in Bolton and looks like it will snow. My Dad hated the Winter, he used to say 'Oh God here we go a 'grey lid' on the world until the Spring.' I have no advice Im afraid - except for one sentance a friend once quoted to me.......'You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breath' My love to everybody having a 'hard time' at the moment xxxxx

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 15/01/2016 17:19

Thought I would say hello. I lost my three month old daughter Rumer to multiorgan failure secondary to trisomy 18 on the 1st January.

We hadn't expected to get three months, so I suppose I should be grateful but we wanted so much longer. We mostly just feel blank at the moment. Organising a memorial service, planning a burial (in our garden), choosing a coffin. It all just seems a bit pointless. Doesn't help that it is grey and cold. Just taking each day as it comes but life just feels purposeless right now.

Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'
Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'
WoodViolets · 15/01/2016 21:49

Me, too, Shiney
Thanks, shabbs

Hi, Disillusioned I'm so sorry about your little one. What a lovely girl!Definitely post here whenever you'd like -- everyone is very helpful and supportive.
Life can feel quite purposeless with our little ones gone. Hugs.

Shineyshoes10 · 18/01/2016 23:56

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TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 19/01/2016 00:24

Yes, "how are you?" What are you supposed to say to that? I've found people get funny when you don't just say fine.

We had a card today with 'time is a healer' in it. Is it? I hope so but I do t think it can make it better.

However those are better than the
You'll Have more
It's for the best
She's in a better place (from the Health visitor!!)

Thank you for the welcomes. I'm sorry you all have to be here too.

Shineyshoes10 · 19/01/2016 00:49

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shabbs · 19/01/2016 10:45

Welcome Disillusioned - as I always say 'glad you found us but wish you didn't have to.'

I am 34 years down 'this road' from losing one of my 7th month old twin boys and 24 years down from my DS3 (aged 7 years) being killed in an horrendous road accident. Life doesnt get better or easier it just changes - 'older grief' is totally different from the initial heart wrenching shock that attacks your body and mind at every opportunity. Often now I can talk about my lads with a smile and remember how beautiful they were, how loving they were and how much we miss them.

Life marches on.......sometimes I play 'run alongside it' and sometimes I can and do cope with it. xxx

Mojito100 · 25/01/2016 02:17

Hello to all. I haven't been for quite some time. I feel like 2015 was a year of hibernating and staying away from a range of things if for no other reason than to just retain as little of the sanity I have. I feel more positive about 2016 and have put in place a range of things to help me feel organised and also feel like I'm actually participating in life again.

To all those who have so tragically lost children since I last posted my heart goes out to you. To all of you regulars I hope you have managed as best you can and weathered the emotional storms as they have come your way.

cathpip · 25/01/2016 20:08

2016 will by the end of it be a good year as I will have moved home to be in the same town as my family instead of 300 miles away, my sisters, brother and dad are so excited that they will be able to look after me. The reason though is that my dh has decided that he wishes to opt out of our family life as we can't possibly be happy without Pippa.........I know have to explain to an already distressed little boy that daddy doesn't love mummy and we are getting a divorce. This is the biggest mistake of his life but he cannot see it and I'm going to be left to pick up the pieces with three small children. I am looking forward to going home though, just wish it would happen quickly, I'm so tired of all this shit that's being thrown at me, I must have been seriously awful in a previous life!

WoodViolets · 25/01/2016 20:34

Hi Mojito I'm glad you are feeling more positive for the year. Best wishes to you.

cathpip Oh my goodness, I am so, so sorry. HUGS. So much falls to you with his decision ... I am thinking of you, and sending hugs and vibes of strength across the miles.
Moving near family sounds like a wonderful thing -- I hope they are a help and support to you.

Mojito100 · 25/01/2016 22:42

Cathpip, I feel for you. The amount of energy it takes to get through every day after you lose a child is incredible let alone when you have other children to care for and help get through the loss. Now this on top of everything else. I hope you are managing to carve even a little time out for yourself amongst all you have on your plate.

What a shame your H has made this decision. Look after yourself. I moved home after I lost my DD (I am without a partner) and even though I don't truly love the town I am so glad to have family so close. It has helped enormously and at times brings its own challenges.

jenmac22 · 25/01/2016 23:45

Cathpip, I am so very sorry your husband is being so cruel, selfish and detached. Wishing you safe travels with your children, and I'm glad your family are waiting to look after you. Lots of love and strength xx

Shineyshoes10 · 26/01/2016 03:11

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shabbs · 26/01/2016 16:29

Cathpip I know you can 'do this.' I KNOW YOU CAN. Im so sorry this is all happening xxxx

cathpip · 26/01/2016 18:50

I can do this, I have no choice and quite frankly it's not the worst thing that's ever happened too me, we all know that. I feel utter sadness for dh because he truly thinks he will be happier without us. The boys and I will continue rebuilding our lives surrounded by my family and Pippa is coming too. I will have a new family home full of happiness and laughter, dh will go home every night to a dark, cold, quiet house........anyway Elliott who is now 22 months old and sprouting new words all the time made me burst with pride today, I opened my iPad and I have a picture of Pippa on the screen and he stood there and pointed at her and said "look Pippa" it made my day.

Mojito100 · 27/01/2016 13:12

Those moments are so precious Cathpip. Store them up for those harder times and unpack them to lighten your mood when you do.

I had one of those moments yesterday where I was watching my youngest DS play with friends and I had that pure sense of joy at knowing that his life is his to live without the shadow of his sisters passing following him everywhere. I so strongly believe that my children who remain with me should not be robbed of the childhood they deserve. Moments like this make me truly take pleasure in the moment that they are just being normal everyday kids.

It's different to your comment from Elliott but I'm confident he has the ability to just be a kid whilst also knowing who Pippa is.

twinklesunshine · 27/01/2016 23:21

Cathpip I really am sorry to hear this. I don't come on very often anymore but I just felt compelled to write to you. You are an absolutely amazing Mum and your boys and Pippa are very very lucky to have you. You may have had a lot of shit thrown at you but you are absolutely astonishing in how you have coped with it. Years from now your little boys will be so proud of how you carried on and made a happy life for them after such a devastating loss and then their Dad leaving. You will have a house ofhappiness and laughter and as you said, your husband is making the biggest mistake of his life. I am sending you my love and thoughts xx