Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Hugs, Caider I hope that the therapist is helpful, and it is good you were able to talk to dh. Thinking of you.

Hi Lily I feel the same ... just hoping to make it through the holiday, and have that done. Best wishes.

Hello everyone, wishing you all strength.
Caider it sounds like you have gone through the mill since the last time I checked, I hope the therapy was helpful.
I hope you are all managing the run up to Christmas or at least getting through it. I had to sit and listen to one of the ballet mums go on and on about getting ready for her baby's first christmas on Monday. I just sat in the car and cried. But good news on my front. The psychologist finally got me into the delivery ward! I stood outside the room where I had to leave Azra's little body and let it all out. I felt drained after but it really helped. The corridor was much brighter and more spacious than I remember.
Love to you all x

Me again, so I just braved opening the pile of christmas cards that were amounting. Not one mention of Azra I don't know why I am so surprised but it has really upset me. My poor girl so easily erased. I'm not sure I can bring myself to open any more. I feel so much anger that everyone gets to carry on as normal, and then I feel guilty, I mean why shouldn't they? But it hurts so badly that not one person even thought to mention her, some of these people I would class as my closest of friends. All of the cards I have written are signed from all of us, including her. I'm thinking maybe now just to not send them. Just one more hurdle right?

I haven't written or sent one single xmas card. I used to - but, this year, I cant be arsed....so I am not!! When I did send them I always put all my sons names on - if it upsets other people then stuff them.

So thrilled that you 'did' the delivery room. It is so hard isint it? You did a great job......so what if you cried - thats you showing your love and sadness about your precious child xxxxx

Thanks Shabbs I'm thinking no cards next year is the way to go. It is just such a little thing yet I've got myself into a right state about it I'm also going to let DH open them all and filter out the ones I'll be able to read without the bitterness creeping in. I hate being like this it is just not who I was.

3littlebadgers Letting DH open them is a good idea. It stings a good deal but you don't deserve to feel bitter and this in-between state but know that it is okay to feel this way or however else you may feel. I hope this is not out of line, but I am proud of you, the delivery ward was one of likely many of the hardest hurdles you have, and you faced it hugs

I hope to gather all my strength to sever the ties i need to in order to protect my family from this poisonous person, and if it fails even more strength to walk away, DH is in a delusional state of wanting to put my DD and myself aside for the sake of this man, best friend or not I won't stand for it anymore, i'm not someone who should be put on the back burner for the sake of an unwilling drunk leeching off of a grieving family. Forgive me for sounding bitter this morning, but it hasn't gotten easier in the slightest. I wish everyone a strong stride forward and great successes in all our challenges and I think of you all every day.

wood my therapist is boggled at my DH'S determination to even fight for this man when he should be focusing on his healing and his DD and I when time and time again this man has not once wanted to improve when confronted, I felt better in regards to myself not being in the wrong to want to be harsh and cut the chicken off at the neck ( so to speak) and deal with the aftermath as it comes, and if it gets to a point where DH sides with that man, i need the strength to leave. Not an easy event that will take place here soon, I know everyone is having a hard time but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that this goes well for me whenever you have even a tiny moment to spare.

Caider, I am wishing you all of the strength in the world. You are doing what is right for you and dd I hope with all of my heart DH comes to realise this before it is too late. The mind boggles why he wants to protect this man. It sounds like he has had and wasted his chances. I admire you for your strength of character my lovely.

Hope the weekend is being kind to you all. Azra would have been 9 months old today, I have been without her as long as I had her now I have so many questions about what we would have been doing now. My other dc's started walking at 9 months, would I have had a tiny hand gripping my finger now had she lived? I miss her so much.

badgers So glad the hospital visit was cathartic. I have been surprised by the cards I have gotten -- most have not mentioned Dominic, and the lovely people who did write something lovely, were parents of a friend, while the relatives have said nothing!
The milestone days are hard -- sending you hugs.

caider You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers!

shabbs Good for you -- you need to do what is best for you.

shiney That sounds like a lovely program for the children. They still need some Christmas spirit, despite the sadness.
Hope you can manage to get some rest, and find a little time for yourself in the near future.

Thinking of everyone at this difficult time. Everything to do with the holiday reminds me of last year's holiday, when DS was happy and healthy, and here.
DS2 has been a bit of a horror, but I know it is partly my own fault I don't have the energy for properly seeing to his behavior. I need to get things in order after the holidays more positive interactions with DS2, being firm about behavior, and getting off being such a sugar junkie!

Oh shiney, I can't possibly imagine the sadness of thinking it might be your child's last Christmas, and even harder that turning out to be the truth. Was she well enough to enjoy the day?
I hope the Dr visit went well and that you can be given the right kind of help. Lapland sounds like such a lovely thing to do for the children, just so sad to think of so many children without a loved one this year.
Wood I am sorry Dominic is missing from cards too, how can our children just be forgotten? As Shiney said, our children are suffering too, if only one of us were struggling with the grief everything would be less intense but because we are all struggling it is just so much harder to make it though the day and deal with everything. For example, my ds2 is also acting up, nothing major just attention seeking I guess, the normal tactics of helping him to see the error of his ways aren't quite enough and yet my mind isn't working well enough to think of anything else to try. It was his Christmas carol concert at school yesterday. ALL of the other children looked so sensible all dressed in school uniform, my DS2 smuggled in a Santa hat and waved his head from side to side throughout all of the carols and songs! At least he looked happy I guess
Caider still wishing you so much strength.
Shabbs and all of the other ladies, withing you much love and strength too.

Afm I saw a mother and daughter charm, it was a heart that split into two on the back it said 'I love you to the moon and back' and on the front half said mother and half said daughter. I bought it and wore it on a chain next to my heart for a bit, then yesterday I took it to Azra's little grave. I took the mother side off the chain and tied a bit of my hair to it and buried it with her. So she can always have the mother bit with her and I will always have the daughter bit with me. It felt lovely to do. I pushed it down with a garden cane as far as I could so it could be close to her. There is something nice about the idea of it being with her always (or at least as long as she has the plot, I'm still disturbed by the idea of her being turfed out when there is no one around to pay for the plot anymore, will they really take her out of her grave? What would they do with her )

I need to go to town today and brave the crowds to post the parcels or they won't get there in time. I just don't have the energy. I'd be quite happy curling up in bed again as soon as the kids are off to school.

Thanks, Shiney Thank you for the reminder and encouragement -- I have needed it.

I am so sorry you haven't been feeling well. I hope the GP is a help. I'm sure your brother isn't expecting perfection, as well, so don't overdo it when you aren't feeling the best.
Hugs

badgers The charm sounds lovely, and so special putting it at her grave. (Do they really do that to old plots?!)

Hope going to town goes/went alright. I never did that great with the shopping crowds in the past, but this year I felt drained after just a few minutes.

Thinking of you all, and all your beloved children tomorrow x

Wishing everybody a peaceful Christmas Day. Xxx

Hope you Christmas days are bearable. Remember it is just another day. Thinking about my sons (and my Dad) and remembering happier Christmases.

Hope all our children are causing havoc in heaven (even though Im not sure about this Heaven thing!!) was going to say that my two will look after them.....my two will probably be causing the most trouble lol.

Thinking about you all today, much love. xxx

Thought of you all last night when I went to the graveyard very late and lit candles to burn through the night. Left a lit-up Christmas tree for my DS and Christmas flowers and a wreath. Just so wrong that I'm reduced to doing that instead of playing Santa (even though he is forever 21).

Hope you all have a peaceful day.

Oh shiney I cannot even imagine my lovely. Years ago, befoe I had children, I read a book, a mother had written about losing her daughter to cancer, in it she said she had to quite litterally 'love her to death' . At the time I remember being heartbroken reading that, without even knowing the power of a mother's love, but that is what you had to do, my lovely, and it must bring in a whole other level of pain. I'm not even sure if pain is a strong enough word. I hope the flood water keeps well away and your dd2 and DTs are doing well.

Lily the little Christmas tree sounds lovely.

Shabbs, I love the idea of them all getting upto mischief together, even if it might just be an idea, the possibility it could be real carries me through

Wood, Caider, cathpip and all of the other ladies, I hope you are being treated kindly by the holiday season, sending you warm hugs.

Afm, I'm awake with flashbacks again. 9 months on I'm begining to wonder if they'll ever go. My psychologist at the maternity unit says they are our way of working through the trauma, but how do you work through something like this? Other than that we're doing ok,Christmas Day was sad but I got through it, I gave myself time in the evening to sit with the things she touched and just remember, I guess it was my way of being with her. When we visited her grave we gave her a little bear and took a picture of the children with her. My mum later asked for a picture of Christmas Day, I realised too late that this was the only one I'd taken!

Just new year's to get through now. People keep saying how I must be looking forward to leaving behind 2015, but it means leaving behind a time in which I still held her in my arms and I'm not sure I have the strength.

My precious twin sons are 34 today!!! How on earth did that happen? A tiny miracle has happened to me....I am not sobbing and crying today....for the first time ever. I looked at their photo last night and realised how lucky I was to have them....and how lucky I was that Gareth was a strong fighter...he survived almost 7 months with the most serious mixture of heart problems. I was told that he wouldnt survive the first week - but he did - despite the fact that, at that time, there was no treatment for his heart problems - I was told that they couldn't operate until he was either 2 years old or over 20 pounds in weight. He stayed alive through sheer determination! Happy Birthday to the most amazing sons a Mum could wish for. We will never forget you Gareth - you could not forget such a precious soul. xxxxxxx

Happy birthday precious boys and sending you much love shabbs.

Shiney, I am sure she knows