My brother was murdered last night.

[MetallicHighlights]

That's it, really. He was stabbed to death on his doorstep. Just been staring at the photo of his house with the forensic tent outside on the BBC website.

I've been spamming FB with maudlin photos but reckon my friends there have probably had enough by now, so have come here to rant instead.

DD (14) adored him. She is being very brave. DS doesn't know yet as it's his 5th birthday today and I wanted him to have one more day of fun before he learns that life is shit.

So how do we get through this?

Hi, very very tired tonight - think it's all catching up with me. I've arranged to have the morning off so I can go back to bed after sorting the kids and sleeeeeeeep.

More Zombie hugs for you. (((((((((( Metallic ))))))))))

Enjoy your going back to bed lie in tomorrow.

Thinking of you, as the roller coaster goes on with v few up bits.

Thinking of you, as the roller coaster goes on with v few up bits.

So sorry for you loss.

Hope you managed a good nights sleep Matallic x

Sorry Metallic, blooming fat fingers.

Missed the back-to-bed bit as I got a message from my Dad to say Mum wanted to talk via Skype as soon as they were free, but then they had a steady stream of visitors till I had to go into work! So I'll be trying again tomorrow. The kids took a while to get off to sleep last night, especially Small Boy who just wanted more hugs every five minutes, but I did get a few hours kip in the end.

Other than that, same old same old. No sign of a date for a funeral yet. I don't seem to have been crying as much today but am still freaking out at the sound of sirens or the sight of a knife - getting very good at spreading with a spoon!

An extended tribute due to go into the same paper tomorrow. The poor chap trying to put it together has been inundated with emails and photos; he sounds a bit stressed out.

Metallic

I'd like to send and extra squeezy hug to Small Boy.

and I'm not surprised you don't want to use a knife - you can cut a lot of food stuff with scissors actually.

I hope you get a good sleep tonight/tomorrow. x

So proud tonight. My gorgeous DD is a very talented singer and managed to pull herself together to perform a solo song and as part of a trio in her gala concert tonight. She was utterly fantastic. Everyone around us was sobbing, even the people behind us who kept having to put up with Small Boy waving round his I Love You Sister sign at every opportunity. The concert was streamed online so all our friends and family could watch it as well. We left Jon's seat free for him - I'm sure he was just as proud as we were.

Zing, have passed on Small Boy's extra squeezy hug. x

Metallic, that sounds just lovely - what a great family you all are.
I am always full of admiration of anybody, nevermind a recently bereaved young person, who can stand up and perform anything at all.
Well done, your DD - I am sure her Uncle Jon is very proud of her.

Metallic, well done her, real congrats. And appreciatiive hugs to Small Son, what a star. That sibling love has a sure foundation, as you know only too well. Well done for bringing them up like that.

My only experience of your situation comes from reading so I can't offer much help. But it suggests two things, that release of the body takes ages, and that it is dreadful time for relatives. Is there someone in RL whom you could contact to support you and your family through this waiting time?

Like everyone else I am thinking of you and lighting candles in my mind.

So terrible. Wishing you and your family strength.

oh, Teen Girl is just wonderful, isn't she?
so strong! definitely made her Uncle Jon proud!

well done, big hug to her as well!

I'm sorry for you loss. What an extraordinary bloke he sounds.

Aaaaand role reversal this afternoon, when DD had time out of school to go and watch Small Boy recite his much practised line in their Christmas concert.

again to everyone for kind words. This evening has been particularly hard, with a strong sense of "time to wake up now". Caught myself wondering whether I should wrap up his presents in case he decides to come back for them. DD has had a wobbly evening as well, remembering how she and Jon had such a fit of giggles one night when we were camping that the staff had to come round and warn us. . She sobbed because that will never happen again. We have so much support, both in RL and online, but still the pain can be unbearable.

One day at a time.

Of course it is unbearable. So completely unfair and must feel like a nightmare. It sounds as if your dc have a lovely relationship. You must be very proud of them.

Still thinking of you.

That feeling of things not being real is completely normal, too Metallic. I sometimes still think I'm gonna see my brother walking up the drive to come home. So good that you have lots of support, use it as much as you need.

And yes, one day at a time, the only way to get through this.

Thinking of you and wishing you and your family a peaceful Sunday

Zombie sends you more love and (((((( Zombie HUGS )))))), Metallic.

to the people who have been checking in on me.

Still feeling like I'm swimming through treacle, still can't seem to really grasp that he's gone or the hideous fact of what happened to him. How can that mass of (admittedly largely useless) information which lurked in his head just not be there any more? Every time I hug my kids I think of my mum - she loved her little boy too, but what's the point if someone comes along and sticks a knife in them and there's nothing, nothing anyone can do to bring them back.

But nearly 2 weeks on and we are getting through the days. Small Boy is counting sleeps till Christmas, while DD sang in another show on Friday, was awesome again and won the Outstanding Student award. We went to the pantomime and I managed not to cry at all, not even when Small Boy dropped his drink all over me.

The body has been released now but I'm not going to see it. Jon would have hated the idea of people seeing him like that. Hoping to have the funeral some time before Christmas and New Year if we can get everything to co-ordinate.

And my lovely colleagues at work pressed an envelope into my hands today, stuffed full with a ridiculous amount of notes and a message to treat the kids to something special. Another make up job ruined!

It is so surreal when life just carries on as if nothing had happened when your whole life is so badly changed .

You are still standing, still breathing and doing normal stuff with your kids (who also sound amazing btw). That is all you should expect of yourself just now.
{hugs}