''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

These poems are lovely, but I'm not in the right frame of mind to read them :( It just doesn't seem possible to be 6 months on. Today was just the beginning - Monday will be Tamsin's half-birthday. Although she was dead, she was still in me 6 months ago, and I could still feel her head under my left rib, on Monday it will mark the time she left me...

I had a friend round today (the tactless one). I didn't tell her the significance of today - she didn't ask how I felt. She did, however, tell me about the little girl her neice had, 10 weeks ago. She asked if she'd shown me the photos, then (luckily) couldn't find them. Am I awful? I couldn't have beared to have looked, if she'd tried. I found it weird that she was telling me about this baby, all excitedly, without a second's thought. The weirder thing is - I love looking at the photos of 'our' babies, little Ella's smile was gorgeous, yet my friend, who seems to think I'm 'over it' bothers me.

Something else weird. DH's brother died nearly 12 years ago. DH was very close to him. Since I was pregnant with DD1, I've continually seen a 'figure' in the hallway. I made the mistake, countless times, thinking it was DH. DH told me his ex wife used to see the figure too. It was always in the same place - where his brother used to stand. There was always an "atmosphere" in the house too, and hated being alone (or just with DD1) in the house, even though I'm sure it wasn't malevolent.

Since being pregnant with Tamsin, I've not seen the figure. I said to DH last night, that his brother had gone, and he asked "don't you feel him here anymore", so I told him, I hadn't since I was expecting Tamsin.

I'm almost certain he's with her. Mad as it sounds, I can sense it. That makes me sad. I don't know why, I'm happy she's with her uncle, who adored children. But it's like they're now both gone...

Appleseed I'm so very sorry, you sound as if you have great strength and calm. I disagree with one thing you wrote - and that is, you are still a mother, you weren't for just 9 months, you were then, and you are still a mother. (((hugs))) xx

wtw very brave of you announcing your beautiful rainbow girl on FB! :) x

appleseed welcome, we are very happy to hear more about your beautiful Elsie when you are ready x

Not sure about brave blue just feel like I need to start believing all will be well and making it seem more real. Also Katie will now start telling random strangers anyway

Welcome Appleseed what lovely words for your little Elsie. You sound incredibly strong. I have to agree with Tami though - you are her mummy and always will be. We're all here if you want to tell us more about her.

Tami your 'friend' sounds entirely stupid and insensitive. Big hugs, not what you needed today xxx

Goodness me ladies, overwhelmed. Thank you... From the bottom of my heart. X

wtw you are brave telling fb world. What a lovely scan photo too.

Im feeling a bit lonely tonight, thinking of what friday will mean, a year has passed without my baby. Its been such a crap year, losing two more babies and feeling like everything is going wrong all the time. Well except DH, I do have faith that we will have a child one day, but I so want it to happen now. I want to tell Ophelias siblings all about her.
I feel sad too that blizy has left us, I know her reasons and I fully understand, but it does make me feel so lonely, Im the only one left on the other thread who isnt pg, or isnt holding her rainbow baby.
Sorry maybe I shouldnt have put that, I dont want to force anyone to stay thats not what Im saying, it was just nice to know that someone was struggling with me, that sounds so selfish. Sorry girls for barging in and leaving you with negatives.

Whatever I'm so, so sorry!!! I thought I'd commented on your news! Wow, I'm so happy for you, but yes, I imagine it must be very bittersweet - so lovely to hear though (((hugs))) xx

fanjo I am desperate for another baby, so very desperate, and we were cleared to try again after 6 months - which is now, but DH is adamant he won't, and I've got so little time. I hope it does work out for you though. Why has blizy left? Do you mean another thread? (((hugs))) to you fanjo xx

Theres a Angel babies thread in conception.

Im sorry just feel really down tonight, and everything I write seams to sound angry to my ears. I thought I would post here as it didnt seam right on the angel thread.

Appleseed, I am so, so sorry that you are here on our thread. I love the name Elsie. And as Tami says, you are still a mother. I know it sucks being a mother when you can't hold your baby but Elsie will always be a part of you.

fanjo, I'm sorry you feel so alone. FWIW, I am gutted that I physically can't have another baby. Not that I would want to replace the irreplaceable, Sylvie-Rose was unique, but just to have another little baby of my own.......

Tami, meant to say, that is so strange about Tamsin's uncle!
I think that time in the afterlife is not like time here. Maybe he knew he had to be around to meet Tamsin when she came and he thought he was there for only moments but had been there for years in our time? And she hasn't left you, she's with you more than anyone else!

fanjo (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you're down, please don't worry about venting on here, we all do it, we all have our crap times xx

chip It is very, very weird. I never met BIL, but DH finally told me about him, and laughed when he remembered. Apparently BIL kept a house like I do . His idea of filing letters, was to put them on the stairs, and I used to (which is what DH meant, you came into my house, and there were letters on the stairs). He also used to hoard everything (as I do). DS hinted on FB about me (though DH won't let me be untidy here, and everything of mine is in the outhouse anyway).

It's strange to think that Tamsin is with her uncle, who never knew me. Having said that he sounds great. He used to go out with a younger single mum, and babysat her DD, whist she partied. When they finished, he was given custody of her by the mum (who didn't want her), so he was bringing up a little girl who wasn't his. He had a couple of girls when he married. It seems fitting really. It does make me happier - weird as that sounds.

tami your BiL sounds lovely, and the right sort of person to be looking after Tamsin for you.

I received this text from a lovely friend last night, who lives nearby, and thought of you and Tamsin - "my DD and I have just driven home in the view of a beautiful rainbow. I told DD that rainbows are made from the love of our special friends and family no longer on earth. When I mentioned Mia, DD pointed up and waved hello, I hope Mia was watching." I'm sure she was watching.

I hope you saw the rainbow too. And I love that beautiful image of rainbows being made of love. Your Tamsin certainly is.

Appleseed you will always be Elsie's mummy. I am so sorry you find yourself here. I read your other thread and think you do sound amazing in the way you are dealing with your grief - but please feel you can write in your low moments too.

fan I can understand why you are finding the other thread so challenging, and feel very conscious that if life were fair, none of us would be on this thread or the other. Your mental attitude is so positive, and the strength of your relationship with your DH are beacons of light and hope, and I hope so much you get your wishes very soon. x

tami your sorry about your brother in law made me remember a story from one of my old work collegues, he and his wife tried so hard to have a babyan she fell pregnant 7 times but always lost them before 12 weeks, and every time she know she was going to lose them because she saw the shadow of her MIL on the stair. She would see the shadow and know that her baby was gone.

I can't even imagine how heartbreaking that must have been for them. In the end they stopped trying, they are such a lovely couple aswell.

fan it should have been my Angels 11th birthday yesterday.

Every year we have bought something for the garden for her a bench with a plaque on, a rose that is called Nicole like my Angel, an apple tree that comes into blossom at this time of year ready for her birthday.

It doesnt make it any easier tears are streaming down my face as i write this but i go to them in the garden and care for them and its like a part of her is there.

Fan you are amazingly brave and strong. You have been such a support to me and to all the other ladies on the other thread. It can't have been easy for you. But please remember we are all here for you too, you've been through the worst time and you are definitely entitled to a good moan. I will be thinking of you, dh and Ophelia tomorrow xxx

Tami I've seen so many glorious rainbows recently and always look at them with a smile for your precious girl.

Mias how are you feeling my lovely? Have you got a scan date yet?

Feeling very tired and drained today - wish I could have some time off work!

sulee Remembering your daughter, Nicole. Love endures forever, the most powerful force there is.

We have a Mamma Mia rose and a beautiful red oak in our garden. Like you, I go and chat to them.

whatever just spoken to the community midwife, who will come around on Saturday to discuss things. We have booked a private scan next Tuesday. Very nervous, and quite tearful... and despite me asking the family not to ask how I am, my DM wanted to know today if they should change their Christmas flights to come earlier?!? Argh. I just said that December was too far away to make any plans, but it upset me. I know she wants this to work, just as I do, but making plans now really won't influence things in the slightest, as much as she would like it to.

fanjo Your poor work colleagues :( I have to say, I never thought that BIL was a malevolent presence, just eerie. It was so weird that he went, when I was pregnant with Tamsin, as if he'd been waiting for her. It does comfort me, in a way, she is being looked after - that is all I can hope for. Hope you're feeling a bit better fanjo, it's so bloody awful. (((HUGS))) Thinking of you & Ophelia xx

Whatever Thank you. Hope you're OK? I'm so excited for you xx

Miasmummy :( It's hard when our parents do/say inappropriate things. I suppose, in their way, they're just trying to help, but it doesn't. They have no idea how to support us, having never gone through it themselves, and unlike most things, this time our mums really can't kiss it better xx

Sulee Sorry to hear about Nicole - thinking of you xx

thank you ladies, you have made me feel so much better.
I am abit annoyed with my FIL today he texted my DH earlier to ask if he could help put up a fence panel in the garden tomorrow! I cant beleive it, doesnt he know the date, Ophelia was his first grandchild, shouldnt that date be imprinted on his soul forever!
He is so lucky that DH is a nice guy and didnt have a go at him, or maybe I should say hes lucky he didnt ring because I would have told him, to go fuck himself! just makes me so angry. Sorry for the swearing.

sulee thinking of you and Nicole, thats such a lovely thing to do, I bet it gives you some comfort.

fanjo I think it's perfectly normal to feel so angry & of course he should know the date, and feel it's importance. Some people really don't get it do they? So sorry (((hugs))) xx

Nearly six hours away from a year of heart ache.
My beautiful golden child was born asleep, but has never left me, she is in the wind making the world beautiful.
I love you Ophelia Bessie Anne.

Went to Lichfield Cathedral today on a school trip and lit a candle for all our precious Angel children! x

Thinking of you fan

Thanks, Blue.
Really crappy day, meeting in school re ds1 didn't go well.

MrsDV thinking of you and Billie and your family today. I hope this rain brings you rainbows. Much love CM xxx