''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Thank you ladies and I'm so sorry for your losses. Some days I seem to cope ok and then I'll just have the most awful panic attack when the enormity of what I've lost hits me. DP has been so strong but he goes back to work next week and I'm worrying about how I'll cope. I can put on a brave face for DD for a couple of hours but I've not had to do a whole day with her on my own since D died and I'm worried it will be too much - that sounds so awful and I can't believe I'm even saying I can't face a day with my own daughter who has been the light of my life for the last three years. How did it come to this? I'm going to try to have a nice evening with DP, I'm worn out by it all today.

Matilda - I lost my little 3 year old son 11 weeks ago, and I also have a 5 year old and a 10 month old. I feel exactly the same as you, I used to breeze through looking after the 3 of them together, and the weekend before he died my husband was away for 3 nights and I loved it I took them here there and everywhere and we had a lovely weekend. Only in the last week have I been really looking after the other 2, and I feel exactly the same as you, frightened about having to deal with them for the whole day on my own. My 5 year old is at school and I am still on edge just looking after the baby! I think it must be because everything that has happened has been so overwhelming and I feel like I have forgotten how to be a mummy and interact with them because the life that I had with them all has been ruined. Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone with feeling like that. xxxx

Oh Twinkle, I am so so sorry about your son. That is heartbreaking. But thank you so much for sharing that - It helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I've decided that next week I am going to write a list of things to do each day ...from making breakfast in the morning, to which playgroup we'll go to, to afternoon activity...then I'm just going to go into automatic pilot mode and work through the list til I get to the end of the day, hopefully without having a total meltdown! For what it's worth, you sound like a lovely mum and I'm sure you will be every bit as wonderful as you were before but it's going to take time. I guess we just have to learn to be patient with ourselves (easier said than done I know). Take care xxx

matilda, as we say here, glad you found us but so sorry you had to.
For a while after Sylvie-Rose died, I felt as though I had no feelings at all for my youngest two boys but it did come back and I treasure their hugs now.

MrsY, dh has been very worried about me sometimes because I have said I want to be with Sylvie-Rose. I didn't say anything here at the time but a few weeks ago I had a bit of a meltdown and went off for a drive on my own. And of course, dh thought that I might harm myself and went ringing around all our relatives. And I was so annoyed that he rang them but if it had been him, I probably would have done the same.

The odd thing was, that on that drive, I just drove down so many random roads. One I drove down knowing that it was a dead end, it had been a main road but was then blocked off when a motorway was built but I drove down it anyway. At the end of the road, all on its own was an abandoned empty baby pushchair. It was such an odd, appropriate, desolate thing to see. And then, I noticed that the house at the end of the road was an ordinary house but under it's eaves someone had stuck loads and loads of coloured butterfly ornament. And I thought of Whatever and Erin and thought that the juxtaposition of the buggy and the butterfly house were just one big sign that someone knew my pain and was watching out for me. And I drove home to dh.

And the thing is, that longing to be with Sylvie-Rose is just that. Longing to be with her. But it doesn't mean that I don't want to be with dh or the boys. I just want our family to be together like we used to be.

Two months ago I was timing my contractions. The moses basket was prepared and my bags were packed. I wanted to meet my son so much, to hold him, kiss him, to bring him home to his sister, to feed him, bath him, to raise him and protect him. Life is fucked up.

MrsY no words are enough. Just kind thoughts and hugs. One month on Tuesday since we lost Dexter and I am dreading it.

Chip That sounds strangely beautiful about the house and the buggy.I have asked for a sign, like you said but still waiting. I really don't know what I believe anymore. Guess this is something that will shake us up.

matilda daft as it sounds, making myself little lists and rotas has gotten me through the day since DH went back to work! I don't have other children, Dexter is my first, so I cannot know what you and twinkle and all the others are going through in that aspect. But all of your children must love you so much, though I am sure it must be so hard sometimes.

I am awake with a Gallstone attack at the moment. MNing and looking through Dexter's things to keep my mind off it. Because he was so early we literally had nothing ready. We finished paining the nursery the day before he was born, but we didn't have a single nappy. He has a few little toys friends bought him when he was in hospital, and a blanket my Granny made for him. I was so pleased he had been acknowledged. Life IS fucked up and I never knew anything could hurt this much.

Mecha, I find I get times when I get nothing and then clusters of signs all together. And they can be very subtle.

Thank you chip I will keep waiting and hoping. I did notice last time I visited him that there is a little baby girl buried nearby who died aged 11 days. It's odd but I did find that comforting. I hope they have found each other somehow.

The Olympic torch will be passing within about 50 meters of Dexter tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about that.

Wishing us all strength and wellness today xx

oooh ever slighly jealous, we had the chance to go to Coldplay tonight, as someone was selling tickets, but DH had to work till late afternoon, so no chance we would have made it there in time... Fix you is such a beautiful song! x

matilda of course you are welcome to write whatever you want on this thread. And of course you are sad and angry about the loss of your Daniel. Yes, you will be changed forever, but it doesn't mean that your fundamental love and good nature will disappear - even though it might feel like that. You are going through the worst nightmare imaginable. Please - just be gentle on yourself. I lost my beautiful red-headed Mia at 13 months last October, and I still cry every day for her. But my love for her has become part of me, and I carry her in my heart in everything I do and say.

mecha those special signs will come. Everyone has something different. Today as we went to DH's triathlon, there was a big smooshy cloud kiss in the sky, which I likened to one of Mia's big open-mouthed, enthusiastic embraces.
DH ending up doing really well, and while I didn't have to fake an illness, I was asked by our friends about the 'baby project'... just said it was a work in progress!

everlong and blue not a Coldplay fan, but that song always makes me cry. Thinking of lovely Oliver and his open-hearted mum. x

chip oh lovely. Such an amazing, but such a sad experience for you. I wish you had been able to share things with us here, I hate that you felt so alone you had to go driving...

Went to the BBQ yesterday with my 'safe' friends, and it was all good, until a vague but kindly friend, who is never diplomatic at the best of times, asked me how I was and how motherhood was treating me... he hadn't obviously read the email about Mia sent out by friends. "Typical. Idiot," I thought. I explained briefly about my lovely girl, and said I was busy writing, developing Mia's Wood and with the Olympics, but he then damn well persisted in asking me if I would be interested in following up a Tibetan children's education project with him, which I refused outright. And - then he had the gall to email me again today saying I am sure you've come out of it as you mentioned your life has changed, which I am sure would make you a stronger person and find more meanings in life. Life is short yet beautiful and there are still so many people needing our help. I am really upset, and I know part of this is his lack of facility with the English language, and I am trying to believe he thinks he is trying to help, as English is not his first tongue, but I am so furious too!! What I want to write back is unprintable, so think I will just have to delete and ignore...

Thank you for the welcome. And thank you Everlong for saying that I will be happy again. It's what I need to hear right now. I've got to stop doing this infuriating "before" and "after" thing. Every time I now visit somewhere that I went to when I was pregnant I keep torturing myself by remembering how happy I was before compared to how I feel now. For example, we took DD to a little steam railway today that we've been to a few times before and all I could think was "last time we were here I was so happy ". It's not particularly helpful but I can't seem to stop.

On a more positive note I signed up for a pilates class starting tomorrow. I emailed the teacher asking if the class would be suitable for someone who'd given birth five weeks ago. I tried to keep it sort of vague but of course she emailed back saying congratulations and inviting me to join the mother and baby postnatal class. Then of course I had to explain the horrible truth. Poor woman was mortified. Then I had to apologise for making her feel bad and being so vague. Argh!! It all seemed a bit heavy for a first conversation with a pilates teacher !!! I'm almost too embarrassed to go now.

I also had my first experience of someone asking me how many children I had since Daniel died. I had a plumber round to fix a tap on thursday and he just casually asked when he saw all the toys lying around. I thought about saying "two" but then I said "one" and it felt like a knife twisting in my heart. I don't really want to go into it all with strangers but denying my little boy seems so unbearable too. I guess I'll just have to get used to that.

Sorry Miasmummy cross posts. Thank you. Your love for Mia shines through in everything you write. My feelings are so turbulent that I can't even allow myself just to enjoy that feeling of love for my boy - it's all still too tied up with disbelief, self-pity, guilt, despair - you name it. But I hope that will come in time.

Hi ladies, I just wanted to pop along as I feel bad for just randomly stopping posting on here when so many of you have been such an amazing support to me.

I have just got to a stage in this pregnancy where I needed to stop hearing about all the different and heartbreakingly sad ways that babies can die. Every time I saw a post from a newly bereaved mother, the rawness and anguish just made me freak out a little that it would happen to me again and I would be back there. I know this is really selfish of me and I feel badly that I haven't been here supporting the new ladies but I just need to get through these last 9 weeks as positively as possible.

I miss posting on here, I miss that this was one of the only spaces I had to talk about darling Erin and how much I miss her knowing that you all understand.

To all the newer ladies I'm sorry you have found yourselves here. As Shabs so rightly says one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe. It really does help in the darkness of the early days.

Everlong Chip Tami Shabs FM TW Fioled Lavandes and anyone I've missed thank you for your kind words and invaluable support over the last 9 months Always feel free to pm me here or on fb

Blue Mias Fan Cheese - I'm still on the rainbows thread!

Sorry this feels really self indulgent but I wanted to acknowledge the amazing support I've had rather than just disappear - I'll definitely be back once (fx) all has gone well with this little miss xxxx

Hi whataever Glad you are ok. I know what you mean. I am trying to cope with RL at the moment so I am not posting much but I am reading and if I feel that I can help I will post. xx

whatever you are not being selfish, just let us know when you have your new baby in your arms. We love to hear happy news. xxx

matilda so sorry about your darling boy Daniel! Sometimes it is just easier not to have to answer the question about how many children you have correctly... You thought about Daniel at that very moment, so you did acknowledge him!

Mia well done for getting through the BBQ! So sorry about you 'friend' trying to make you do things you don't want to as if he knows how you can find meaning in your life!

wtw see you on the rainbow thread! :) counting down with you!

whatever your support and love here has been amazing, and I totally agree with everlong - do what you need to do for yourself and this baby. xx

lavandes thinking of you. xx

Thanks mias I light candles every weekend for all our precious children. xx

Xxx wtw, can't even begin to try to understand the mix of emotions you must be feeling, but sending massive (((hugs))) take care and thank you so much already for your kind words and understanding xxx

I'm going to the SANDS memorial service at the National Arboretum coming Saturday and will be thinking of all our precious children then! x