''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Kate I forgot - how you could you possibly 'deserve' a uterine infection? I hope the Dr appointment goes well - you are not a failure huge (((hugs))) xxxxx

Possibly, shabs, I can't quite remember.

Kate - guilt as an emotion that none of us need to add to the overwhelming list of the many and veried emotions we deal with daily. (Easy for me to say, I know. I really should pay more attention to what I advise others). You are not a failure and you don't deserve anything, although I can totally understand your feelings. When I was in hospital I had a shower and asked MrY if he wanted one. He said no, he didn't want to be clean and refreshed. He didn't want to get over what happened.

Am glad I don't watch EE, I didn't watch the baby swap storyline, but I'm fairly sure I'll be drawn to it in some morbid fasciniation.

just wanted to sort of pop my head in here. My much anticipated, longed for and loved baby nephew was born on a beautiful summer's day a couple of weeks ago and died, unexpectedly, the next day.

I am far from my brother at the moment but my thoughts are with him and his partner all the time.

So sorry for you and your family, fuckedoff, it must be horrid to not be closer to your brother and his wife.

Thanks everlong and MrsY - Thankfully, I was with them, and our whole family, just after his birth and death for tears and hugs.

I have been reading others' thoughts and stories here.
So many happy memories and sad moments.

fuckedoff Sorry you and your brother's family are going through this. Here is a really kind and supportive space, I hope you can find some comfort.

I decided I probably deserved gallstones and pancreatitus the week after Dexter died as punishment for being a rubbish mother. Part of me, a big part, knows that is a really awful way to think but I can't shake it. I didn't want to take the antibiotics for retained placenta or have any scans or tests done because I had failed and I didn't deserve to be looked after. But I am trying to see it as DH has lost his son too, and he needs me to be well and strong as I can for him. People keep telling him to be brave for me and look after me and not let me see him upset and that is awful! It happened to him too! Then with me so sick afterwards he had so much to contend with. Thinking about your husband too MrsY. It is hard, I know my in-laws and family are devastated too, but I have no energy or time to support them. I need it all for DH and me. I don't know how I would cope if I had older children to look after too, you ladies are amazing and I am in awe.

My Mum is a survivor

My Mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others... A smile of disguise.

But through heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mum tries to cope with my death, to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her, knows it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mum through heaven's open door...

I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, talk to her...and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...No matter what she feels.

My surviving mum has a broken heart that time won't ever hea

Well we have yet more anti biotics for Ella now, higher doseage and a 10 day course, hopefully this will get rid of it once and for all. It upset her stomach last time so I'm expecting that again.

Tami I'd been in lots with Scarlett, at least twice before for reduced movements and even then they made me sit and wait for 3 hours once without even being looked at...Bloody hate that hospital now and am glad I didn't have to go back there to have Ella. So ironic that we were on the way to hospital the night before she died to be admitted when the car broke down on the motorway. I'll always wonder what could have been had it not broken down and we'd made it in :( Was a few day old car too. Totally get what you mean about the grief and guilt :(

Mech I avoided everything for a long time, recently got upset by one and went back to avoiding. It's so hard not to get too involved with others when they say things like that. I've come to the conclusion that I'll try to offer advice but they avoid or just not read threads in the first place! For now at least, not sure if that will ever change.

I think that's a "normal" reaction. I was given iv anti biotics in hospital in case of infection after having Scarlett as there was meconium in my waters :( and she'd been inside me a few days after dying. Looked like she'd been distressed inside me but I never even knew. I wouldn't stay in for the last lot so they gave me oral ones but I didn't finish them either. I wouldn't even go in for a 6 week check as I didn't see the point.

Blue oh how did you manage not to say anything? I think I'd have had to, must have been horrible for you to read that. How bloody insensitive :( Burying their head in the sand doesn't make it less likely to happen to them...

Chip (hugs) I co-sleep with Ella now, I didn't at first as I had an apnea monitor under her moses basket but she's outgrown it and her cot won't fit in our room. It was either put her in her own room or co-sleep. I struggled with the decision though even after co-sleeping with my others. Trying to make the best of a bad situation. Don't want to upset you though, speaking about this. xx

MrsY we had everything too, no nursery then though as the children had a room each and our room, we've since moved things about and Ella has the box room with the two boys sharing the largest. I told dh at the time when Scarlett died to just throw everything away including clothes, new moses basket, everything. Luckily he had the foresight not to and put it all in the loft. It was nice having some things to use for Ella that were Scarlett's in a way. You didn't fail Benedict, not at all xxx

kate I'm dreading that storyline if it happens.

fuckedoff so sorry to hear that :( xx

fuckedoff so sorry to hear your news x

Dr reckons I have an iu infection and has put me on two lots of antibiotics and an anti sickness tablet. I really really don't want to be taking them tho as my mind keeps saying "your pregnant". This is so utterly fucked up. I know I don't "deserve" it but I can't help thinking that this is entirely my fault. X tami oh I didn't read it properly sorry x still going to avoid eastenders though x
mecha I totally understand what you are saying about your dh. Everyone keeps saying to me - oh poor you - whereas they should be saying - oh poor both of you - x

Can I just say any of you ladies who have been prescribed medicine to help cure physical problems - please, please take the medicine/tablets etc. Travelling along the crappy path of the loss of a child/children is unbelievably hard and if you are not well physically it will be even harder. I pretended I was ok both physically and emotionally - the outcome of it all was that several months down the line I was very poorly. Please dont think you deserve your bereavement - none of us deserve that. However hard it is please look after your health. Please take this from someone who didn't care if she lived or died....it took me a long time to realise that I wanted to live. xxxx

Ladies listen to Shab - take the medicines. I also had an infection after B, and had two weeks of ABs because it wasn't clearing up after the first dose.

Talking of ABs, X hasn't been himself all week, and we've had very little sleep the last 2 days. Thought initially it was teething, but he seemed in so much pain today I took him to the Dr this afternoon just to be sure. He has an ear infection, so is now on antibiotics. I worry so much when he is ill. I know it is only a ear infection but I can't help exploring worst case scenario in my head! He's settled so much better so far tonight with calpol and AB but I'm going to have to have to go and check on him in a moment to satisfy the panic rising in me. Just to listen to him for a moment.

kate DH's are so often overlooked. My DH used to find it so difficult, once he was back in work, everyone asking how his wife was coping. No-one thought to ask how he was coping. He said sometimes he wanted to say 'She is my daughter too, I lost her too, I hurt too.'

fioled its not a good time for x to be unwell.. there is never a good time but this week is especially hard for you ...hope you are holding up ok and x makes a speedy recovery

Fio I'm the same with Ella always worry about the worst. Scbu was awful and now she's on yet more anti b's as she was getting ill again. So worrying

Hope X is better soon, fioled, and Ella, cheese I'm like that with the Mouse.

MrY was totally delirious last night because he was dehydrated from a d&v bug and was rambling about her and Peanut, it was very hard to listen to.

Hope MrY is better soon, that must have been so difficult for you :( this all feels so surreal at times, what we're all going through. It's all so wrong

cheese I am like that with raegan. She has pretty bad asthma and has been in and out of hospital since she was 13 months when she got pneumonia, don't know how im going to deal when flu season starts up again or when she starts nursery September. X
Hope all of you are ok x
MrsY hope your dh gets better soon x

Hi ladies x

A young man I was serving at work yesterday said 'you look like you're trying to be happy but you're having a shit day'. It was so true but he made me laugh.

Sending love and hopefully strength to you and your family over the coming days fioled the build up to all the anniversaries is horrible. Hope little Zander is bettter soon xx

It was tough. I was in tears most of the time - I'm sure the staff thought I was an idiot for crying because my husband had d&v, but it was very tough hearing him telling me he wanted to go and be with Peanut.

mrsY that would have been so hard to hear. But sadly, I bet that you can recognise why he said it. I know I have had similar thoughts, even though I would never act on them.

fioled poor little X. And so stressful for you, not only for him, but because of the timing. This is what I fear most - I am not sure I can ever be rational about a sick child ever again, especially as I have lost all trust in the medical system... a position which I know is unsustainable and unrealistic.

Seeing a group of friends today that I haven't seen since the celebration of Mia's life. The hosts have been great, letting me know last week who is coming along, and I have decided to go, as it is a 'safe' set of people, not mere acquaintances. Still a little nervous, but I know they really want to be there for me, even if I don't feel I can bring them into my really close group of friends - but I do appreciate the gesture, and want to acknowledge that.

Hello do you mind if I join you? I have been reading the thread for a couple of weeks and I'm very sorry for all the pain and sadness that is on here but also inspired by the strength and support. My darling boy Daniel was stillborn five weeks ago today at 38 weeks and I'm having a very bad day. I just don't feel like I have the strength to carry this weight and this sorrow for the rest of my life. I know I will have better days but right now I just feel like it was all my fault and I'm scared the guilt will drive me out of my mind. I know I have to be strong for my 3yo DD but I feel like she deserves so much better than the sad and angry person I've become.

Feel really spaced out right now, just managed to get round tesco. Sat in the car trying to calm down and breathe. Not felt like this in ages.

Matilda so sorry for the loss of your darling boy. 5 weeks is still so soon. My Scarlett was stillborn at 37 18 months ago. The 18 month anniversary was days ago and it still hurts a lot. How are you feeling?

Feel really spaced out right now, just managed to get round tesco. Sat in the car trying to calm down and breathe. Not felt like this in ages.

Matilda so sorry for the loss of your darling boy. 5 weeks is still so soon. My Scarlett was stillborn at 37 18 months ago. The 18 month anniversary was days ago and it still hurts a lot. How are you feeling?

Oops sorry for double post

Matlida so sorry to hear about Daniel. You have not become a sad and angry person, you are a wonderful person going through a saddening and infuriating time. I am not much further on than you, my boy Dexter was born nearly 7 weeks ago and died 4 weeks ago. You are right, at the moment there are awful days and slightly better days. This thread has given me strength and comfort though. There are some inspiring women here.

Cheese sorry you are having a bad day. Anniverseries must be so hard to cope with.

MrsY that sounds horrible, I hope he is feeling better and you are feeling stronger.

It really does seem unfair so many of us have such poor health or unwell children at the moment! I know the universe does not operate this way, but you think we would have earned some sort of break for a while.

Mias I know what you mean about "safe" people. I have gone a bit hermit at the moment. I don't want to see anyone I don't trust not to say something stupid. Am going to go back to work towards the end of the month for a couple of days and am dreading it a bit. Will be glad of doing something other than walking round the house, picking things up, putting them down again and crying but I am terrified of having a "normal" routine again. It will be like he was never here at all and I don;t know how to deal with that.

Sending out love for us all.