"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

FM (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry that someone has made you so down. I don't know what was said (the posts were deleted), but you've always been so supportive & kind. I hope that you continue to read, and know that we're all here for you xx

FM i'm sorry you feel you can't post at the moment but we'll all be here for you when you feel ready to post again xx

Fm- j
Can only echo the other ladies, please don't let some attention seeking fool get you down. Do what feels right for you, I will be thinking of you. ((0)) hugs for you.

Well, I am not having this thread ruined!

everlong I came on this morning to tell you another robin story. A few years ago, it was just before Christmas. Ds1 was getting to the age where he was beginning not to "believe" in a certain scarlet-clad elf but I had booked him, ds2 and ds3 to see Santa Claus in a lovely setting, old farm buildings surrounded by lovely gardens. But the week before, we had been getting ready to go out when a robin flew right into our house We said hello and then shoo-ed him out. The weekend came and we went to see Santa. Santa told the boys to be very good and that he had a robin in our garden who had been given the job of making sure they were good. (Btw, Santa had not been briefed beforehand)
The boys were like this and ds1 believed for at least another year.
I do believe my Dad sent that robin.

Hello lovely mummies on this thread, I read your thread a lot, your posts about your beautiful children are so touching.

I dont post, because I still have my children, but the touching grief here, it helps me, my child was badly abused, and this is the only place I read, where people seem to have the same feelings of loss and grief as me.

I dont want to minimise your pain and experiences, as I know how lucky I am to still have my child, they have withdrawn emotionally and I feel like they are "lost" to me.

I wouldnt have posted any of this, and I didnt see the posts about Frasersmummy, but having read the most recent posts here, I wanted to let you all know, your courage, your constant love, the way the posters on this thread care for each other, and hold each others hands, it reaches out to, and helps, more people than you can ever imagine.

I have tried to word my post as best I could, I dont want to intrude, but if it is in any way inappropriate, please report and have it removed. xxxxx

therewasatime I am so sorry to hear about your child. and of course you are grieving for the lost innocence and it must be heartbreaking to have your child in front of you but still feel unable to reach them.
Keep the lines of communication open and be ready for your child when they want to come back to you.
There are many types of grief. When I had just lost my daughter, I listened to over and over and over. When I read the comments on the song, one lady felt that it described her feelings for her son who has autism. That her child is physically there but autism has stolen him away. So we have lost different things, I had physically lost my child, she felt that she had lost the child she should have had, we both felt the same, that our child had been stolen from us. And I'm sure you must feel the same.

But, you can get your child back. It won't be easy, you have a long road in front of you and you will need a lot of help. But you can do it!

therewasatime what a kind post. I hope as chip says that you and your children can make your way back to each other.

My close friends' son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. We were talking the other day and she said she felt like she was grieving for him, grieving for the life she thought he would have. She then got dreadfully embarrassed about having said that in front of me but I think there are all sorts of ways to 'lose' a child and many different reasons to grieve. In some ways at least we don't have to watch our children suffer now, I try and take comfort that wherever Erin is she is safe and at peace. No-one wants to see their child in pain, that's why we asked the doctors to stop working on her. To let her be and pass with us in peace. How I wish things were different though.

Sorry, have woken in a melancholy mood. Really don't want to go to work today!

therewasatime I echo what the others have said, it is natural for you to grieve too, it may be different, but it doesn't make it easier for you xx

WTW I know the feeling, I don't want to go to toddler group :( xx

I think I have a cold, I woke up with that heavy feeling in my head, and am a bit stuffed up, was very hot last night :(

Feel sad again today, very, very teary. I don't quite know why. I think it's that I'm angry, and confused at the same time. I know I should be happy to have DS & DD1 - and I am - but I'm still angry that I haven't got both my girls. I would have been happy with just DD1, in the same way I was happy with just DS, but when I fell for Tamsin, and had all of last year getting used to the idea of having two little ones, to dream, hope, plan... I don't know. I'm just not happy with just DD1 now. I feel as if last year might as well have not happened _ I'm glad it did - but angry at the same time. I feel robbed of DD1's babyhood too. She was about 7 months when I fell for Tamsin, yet I can't remember much about her development last year, as I was distracted, if that makes sense. I don't feel I enjoyed it as much as I could have. Aargh! I'm just really, really upset today, and I know my rambling makes no sense. xx

Thank you everyone, so much, it really means a lot. I find so much resounance in the words you post.

You all deserve .

I think of you all often, you are all veyr much in my thoughts.

My beautiful little lady died in my arms 5 years ago today. She was 15 months old. So blessed with my life now, but so sad missing cuddles with her now.

Love to everyone who has a hole in their heart where a child should be. xxx

Tami, I feel like that now too. I feel that I was so sick when pg with Sylvie-Rose that it ruined ds2's confirmation, I had to go to bed during the party, fgs! And then, she died on October fourth and his birthday was on October 15ths. Thank God for SIL who organised a cake for him. And I have not been "there" for the boys since she died, either, in the way that I would have if she'd lived. I imagine that had she lived, I would have her there sitting on my hip as I bossed them into studying or organising PE gear, etc. Instead I was a crying wreck.

(((Everlong)))

Nowittyname I am so sorry, I hope today is peaceful for you xx

Chip It's shit really isn't it. I liked what Miasmummy said about letting go of the life you wanted, but I want the life I expected xx

everlong That sounds awful. Yep, bugger them, you have every right to cry. Music has that effect though, doesn't it? I can't listen to some songs without bubbling up, it's a very powerful medium. I'm impressed by the Pilates, I've always fancied doing it, will have to look into it xx

everlong music is so evocative, isn't it? I cried in my spin class a few months ago, when they played Black Eyed Peas "Gotta Feeling" as we had videoed Mia at only a few months old 'dancing', with the help of her daddy as he sang along to her... I have suddenly realised that I don't listen to songs on the radio anymore, for that very reason, in case I am caught out with a song.

You are right though, I am sure we all spend time doing the 'what-ifs' and 'if-onlys' as we remember. It is only natural.

nowittyname I am so sorry. You describe the feeling so well - we all have those holes in our hearts... I hope you have a peaceful day.

therewasatime another here to thank you for your kind words. I hope that you can believe that one day, you and your child will find a way back to one another somehow.

tami sorry to hear that you are under the weather, and that you are feeling so emotional. It is totally understandable that you are missing Tamsin, and what should have been. I feel like that too - I have spent two years of my life being pregnant and being a mummy, and now I have nothing to "show" for it. It sounds selfish when I say it like that, as it was far more wonderful and beautiful. So yes, of course what you have isn't enough, because you know what you could have had - a beautiful second little girl - as well as the joy of your DS and DD1.

whatever hope the melancholy has passed, even if it's because you are super-busy at work.

chip how are you? Your last few posts have been very sad.

Anniversary today. A magical day two years ago, where DH and I committed our lives and loves to one another, while Mia was four months growing inside me. It was the happiest day of my life, until she arrived in the world, at which point, every day was the happiest day ever.

Anyone else feel tired of how much effort is required just to keep going? Nothing seems to come easily any more. It's all a bloody effort and I'm tired of it.

Happy anniversary Miasmummy I know it won't be the day you imagined for but I hope you and dh spoil each other xx

Mias, I'm actually not doing too badly. I am a bit jittery as next Monday, we are burying Sylvie-Rose's organs that the hospital had retained. It's not going to be a big thing, just us and the social worker and the chaplain from the hospital. They will be in a little white box with an inscription from us and the boys and we are burying them at the foot of her grave. It's a bit upsetting as it brought home to me how abnormal it all is, that my baby is in her grave but minus some organs and to be honest I hadn't really realised that fully when we buried her. It's something you don't hear about either, this thing we have to do.

everlong, I actually can't watch that video without crying so I tend to link and run. But I love the Waterboys and I love WB Yeats who wrote the original poem. Also love the actor's voice, in a way he reminds me of my Dad who was very poetic and had a proper Irish accent. I don't, we went to live in Lucan ( Jedwardland!) when I was 11 and I think I have picked up a poncey accent as a result.

Oh, and my friend who is pg has MCed.

Thing is, last week, she was in my house and behind her my utility room door was open. Through that and the back door, I could see one of Sylvie-Rose's feathers dropping down into the garden. I said nothing but went out the next day and found it. Now I'm wondering if Sylvie-Rose was coming for her little friend.