Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

Morning ladies xx

Not been around because my broadband has not been working.

blue I am so sorry you find yourself here. We will listen to you and support you as we do for eachother.

Sending love to you and your family today caz, hope the weather was kind to you. xx

cheese I have probably said this before but I think nowadays with all the new technology we have too much information sometimes. Back in the dim and distant past when I was 'getting pregnant' we had no idea when we were ovulating, not definately sure if we were pregnant until 6 weeks when the doctor did a test. I think all the test kits that are available today may be brilliant for some women but for others it makes life even more stressful. Hope you have a more peaceful day today. xx

Happy 1st birthday Belle. I hope the rain stopped so you could launch the lanterns caz

Happy birthday Belle! The lanterns sound so beautiful - I hope it stopped raining too.

Hi Blue - hope you're getting on okay.

Have had a rollercoaster day already and it's only half past 1. Started off with a kidney and liver ultrasound (nothing to see, except that my liver is 'fatty', but that has no bearing on my health, apparently, so clearly the technician just told me that to make me feel good about myself ), followed by the first session with the hospital bereavement counsellor. I'm not sure whether I want to go back for more, tbh. I cried and feel like shit now, so I don't know if it is helping at all. I don't mind crying on DH, but I hate crying in public in front of total strangers. DH was with me, but she didn't seem interested in him - um, hello, is he not grieving too? Also, she started off by saying that she knew nothing about us because she doesn't see my medical records, and she had forgotten Thea's name and gender. She had known - the letter making the appointment said 'Thea Joanne' on it - but she still managed to ask if the baby had been a boy. Wtf? And she asked if Thea had died at about 25, 26 weeks, whereas she died during labour at 41+2. I've got an appointment to see her again next week but now I'm not sure that I want to.

Cheese, I hope you manage to conceive again soon. DH and I were about to start trying again on Saturday after the kidney specialist said I was probably fine on Friday, but I promptly got my period so that's off for a week. Fingers crossed for you, my lovely!

tooimmature that counsellor doesnt sound too good to me. Did the hospital put you in contact with her? Maybe go and see your doctor instead and see someone else. That would have done me for six as well, do they not read the notes? I dont think I would be able to go bakc and see her, and also for her to not seam interrested in your DH, sometimes they take it harder I think. They have no outlet for grief like we do they are more likely to bottle it up insede and it to come out later in anger or frustration.
Im getting frustrated now for you!

I rung up work to day to check in, and was promptly told that there are some promontions going on and they want me back so I can apply. Been thinking about it and it doesnt interrest me, I dont care, all I care about is my baby who isnt here. I told him that I couldnt deal with work at the moment, but he wasnt really listening, oh well have to go to HR and talk it through with them. I dont have to go back until my maternity leave is over anyway.

I too am trying again, I know its only been 8 weeks but I feel its what I need to do. Had the old ovulation sticks out, but think I have missed the ovulation time but we had it covered in the bedroom, so no worries, just got to wait a couple of weeks to see if the experts are right and you are very fertile after birth! I would love to go back to work pregnant again.

Maybe we should start our own thread for our trying to get pregnant woes!

Thinking of you all as always

I did think that a thread of our own would be good, Green. There seem to be lots of us on here trying to conceive again and I don't want to upset those who aren't there yet, or who can't for whatever reason. If I start one in Conception, would that be okay, or would it upset people to go there? I keep lurking there but I don't feel like I belong in any of the categories, even the starting-again-after-miscarriage ones.

I know what you mean about not caring about work any more. The last thing you need to worry about is going through interviews for a promotion! Unless you really want the promotion, of course, but it doesn't sound like you do. I am just going through the motions at work and I couldn't take on a new job at this stage, and I am 14 weeks in, not 8.

I don't know what to do about the counsellor - I don't know if there is another one. Maybe I'd be better at a Sands group or something. I just don't know.

Happy birthday Belle, I'm thinking of you all Caz xxx

I haven't been around much, so much of my time is taken up with Ike at the moment - he is 8 weeks tomorrow. Also I think I've distanced myself from the thread for self preservation reasons, but I haven't quite worked out why.

Fathers Day was bittersweet as usual and a memorable date regarding Cole's illness is looming. I'm also sorting out and giving away baby clothes because Ike has grown out of them and because we are decorating the boys rooms. There are 3 huge bags of C's clothes that I haven't been able to deal with before, but I'm sort of now in a situation where I need to decide what to do with them.

God it's hard. I looked through them this morning while Mac was at pre school and there were so many memories with some of the clothes.

There are things we will defo keep and some I will pass to Ike, the others will go to a local woman's refuge I think. I like the idea that they will help others.

I know I don't HAVE to sort the clothes out, but I feel I have to as I have been putting it off for so long.

sorry to dump on here when I haven't been here for ages, it's the only place where people understand, or just listen without saying something crass and upsetting.

Hi ilike Glad all is well with little Ike.

It must be so hard sorting out Cole's clothes. It is probably better for you to do it now you have started, at least it will be one thing you don't have to go back to and have to deal with again IYSWIM. The dates are so upsetting but as all the mums have said the build up is worse than the day. Keep talking when you need to, this is the only place I can talk about it. xx

green and tooimmature i think a thread for ttc is a fab idea, i too am ttc and feel "funny" with the "normal" conception threads.

caz I hope your lanterns went up last night ((hugs)) xxx Happy birthday Belle xxx

lavandes I've wondered the same if I'm honest. My problem is that with PCOS and varying cycles I feel like I'm "having" to have sex with dh for about 2-3 weeks every cycle and having no clue when, or if I ovulate. Meaning I waste so much on pregnancy tests too. Not that I don't want to with dh, you know but sometimes it feels like a chore and he feels the same. The monitor helps but also doesn't in a way. I found out I'm reading it wrong though...teach me not to read the leaflet properly. What I thought was medium is high but now day 21 and still no peak so, no ov yet.

TooImmature That counsellor doesn't sound good at all and I'm surprised you feel like you don't want to go back. I'm glad your health is good but why mention the liver? Seems odd. Thank you, fingers crossed for you too. I'd join you on a new thread for conceiving, I feel like I say far too much and moan on about it on this one enough. I've been lurking on the conception boards but really didn't know which thread to post on so that sounds good to me. Seems we feel the same way!

green hope work goes ok and you get through it. Good luck with the conceiving :)

ILikeToMoveIt (hugs) glad Ike is doing well.

Hope everyone's ok today. I feel ok at the moment but you never know how things change so still taking things slowly (hugs) to all

Okay, here's the link to a ttc thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1242601-Mourning-our-angel-babies-but-still-hoping-for-the-future-let-the-swi-commence

Members welcome!

Caz I really hope the weather cleared for you last night and you managed to send the lantern up for Belle x A candle is lit here in Sussex for her .

Ilike The clothes thing is hard , I decided that any plain clothes that didn't have big memories attached my boys would wear and any others were bagged up and put in the loft . However I have managed to now go through them again and I have given some to a friends brother who lives miles away . I worried too much about seeing them on a baby if I gave them away too locally . I know that is nuts and it wouldn't happen but I still worried .

I felt better for doing it , and quite proud of myself .

Hello to everyone else , I am sorry I am not around much atm but I do think of you all x

Caz Happy Birthday, Belle! Thiinking of you all and sending you my love, its a tough day but we're all thinking of you xx

Last night the lanterns didn't go to plan. It was just to windy, and when we gave up it started raining too. We got one lit and it shone brightly for Belle, but we couldn't get it to heaven. :( We sent a pink star balloon to her this afternoon though.

Today has been such a mixture of emotion, as usual the build up has been far worse than the actual day. I've felt remarkably calm for most of the day today where as last Thursday (remember day) I was a complete state. We've cried for the birthday we wish Belle could have but have celebrated her and her 1st birthday with lots of pink, flowers, garden decoration, balloons and candles. I'm glad I did the mess bit last week so I could celebrate her life today.

We've experienced such generosity from everyone today. Lots of messages, cards, flowers, gifts and gestures. Belle's justgiving page has gone nuts today for her birthday. The lovely Mme started a thread in AIBU for her birthday to rally support for her justgiving page too and lots of people have donated. It really was the perfect day to reach our target and go beyond. I think we're going to be gobsmacked at the final figure when I've counted out what we have in cash offline donations too. My friends work have collected almost £500 today, ontop of the walk and the justgiving page and the raffle and everything we'll collect on Saturday. I'm already amazed.

I cannot believe a whole year has passed. Going to finish the day by lighting the lanterns hung outside our house for her. We've decorated the outside of the house today with new flowers and garden ornaments for her. We bought the Belle the pink heart one for her birthday and a friend has given us an identical white heart one for her today. They look beautiful together.

Thank you for all your thoughts and wishes xxx

been thinking of you all day Caz. I m glad you at least got to send her a balloon.

Caz Im so glad you have given thanks for your precious girl today...you are right - the build up is so much harder than the day. I was wondering why I feel so 'on edge' and then remembered - Matty will be 27 years old on the 30th of June....again, the build up is the hardest part.

Me and Lew lit our strawberry candle and he sang 'Appy Urfday' to Belle. A few minutes later he said 'Andma, Mummy said if I was a girl I would be called Bella....dats nearly de same as Belle isin't it?' xxx

My DD didn't want to go to sleep tonight, and I felt the anger rise inside me, wanting her to go to sleep... I had to walk out of her room and then go back in. She was crying and I started crying as well. I told her I was very sad because of our baby. She started wiping my tears away and said 'I wipe your tears away Mummy! Don't worry!' and kissed my head.
She came back down with us and had some more cuddles and then she said to my DH: 'Mummy is very sad, Daddy! She lost her baby and we have to go and find it!'
We told her we can't do that as we know where the baby is and Sterre is with Jesus now.

pffff can't sleep. DH woke up not feeling well... now he is fast asleep again snoring away. I had to come downstairs, thought I'd sleep a bit on the sofa. But our cat is going bonkers in here. Luckily he's just decided to go out again.

Morning girls xx

morning, just got DD out of bed, she's watching Cbeebies on the sofa next to me, I might try and get some shut-eye now

blue when we first lost Belle our sleep pattern quickly became mess, and it took probably a good 2 months before we started to even out again. Day and night made no difference and we were basically awake when we were awake regardless of the hour of the day, and the same for sleep. Then we had the other extreme of there being some days when we barely made it out for bed for sleeping.

I promise you that the not sleeping is perfectly normal (as is sleeping too much!) and to just go with it as much as you can. I know this will be more difficult with DD to look after too, but after the initial shock has worn off you will slowly regain a normal sleep pattern again.

Saying that I've been terrible the last few weeks again, and I know that has been the build up to all these anniversaries and her birthday. Up until all hours, barely any sleep, afternoon naps. But not really getting good sleep even when I am asleep, waking up knackered. I really feel too tired to go to work today...

Sending love to you all xx

grief is a funny thing the way it hits you sometimes when you dont expect it. You could be watching all the pregnancy and birthing telly shows and not have any emotions of grief and then you see an advert of a family and it all comes to the front and you want to cry.

Sometimes I can be so practical about this whole situation and others not so much.

Im angry though at people I dont know giving me sympathy just because they know my mum and through her they think they know me.
Im a bit upset with my mum to be honest, she isnt handleing this all that well, which annoys me. Also she will tell just about anyone about Ophelia! Like the person in the post office who asked her about the package she was sending to Australia to my brother whose wife is due in August. She said 'oh its for my grandson', the lady asked if its her first grandchild and my mum then tells her no my first was born 7 weeks ago still born!
Please tell me Im not being unreasonable to think this is going way to far in recognising my child? Fair enough telling her close friends who knoew I was pregnant, but why does the post office lady need to know or the people behind the tills at the bank!?
Also do you think Im being insensitive to tell her not to have a picture of my daughter next to her bed or in her wallet? She already has a charm bracelet with Ophelias name on it and a little album full of the photos we took.
She looks at me sometimes with jealously (or am I dreaming it) that I have a tattoo, a locket and a keepsake box devoted to MY daughter.
I dont want her memory to be turned into a farse or extra memories that have nothing to do with her but the material things people have associated with her.
My mum is very emotional so I worry when I can tell her these things, but to be honest this is my grief, for my daughter and if shes finding it difficult then I dont want her to look for me for comfort, shes supposed to be my rock, not the other way round.
I told my dad this the other day in hope that it my relay to mum without it turning into an argument.
She also had a cop on the other day as I said to her that I didnt want the photo album she was doing on Ophelias photos to be covered in words and flowers (shes into scrap booking) and that my dh and I werent comfortable with it. She said well its only for me. To which point I said yes but shes my daughter.

Sorry for the huge rant!

Ah green i don't think you are being unreasonable, i am a bit posessive of Zoe and feel uncomfortable with family doing things for themselves. I am in a bit of a muddle just now actually, i have a tattoo on my wrist, Zoe's name and a butterly. Now my dm and ds want to get tattoos for Zoe but i don't want them to. My DS wants a butterly or baby footprints, which i think is overstepping the mark. Butterflies are mine and DF thing for Zoe, oh i don;t know how to tell them i am not comfortable with it without sounding selfish!

Evening. It's been gone 6 months now and I still can't sleep properly blue , I'm up at all hours and also not eating properly again. I was ok for a couple of months and then it went wrong again. The first couple of months were also hard.

green I think it's all normal. That would make me feel uncomfortable too.

Morning, still not slept but at least I've managed to eat and had some tea. Feeling fairly ok, a friend's wife went into labour last night and waiting to hear the news. I'm pleased for them as they've been through a lot. I was even giving some advice last night to them! Feels odd. I really can't wait to hear that their little boy is well though.

morning all, slept fairly well. Up early with DD again, thank goodness for Cbeebies!
I thought I'd share a story with you... We used it as a wedding reading, and will use it for Sterre's funeral.

No Matter What (Debi Gliori)
"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?
Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?
Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?
?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.
Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright. ?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.