Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

I drove into my local tesco express carpark today, walked in to get something for lunch.

Then realised with that cold sick feeling that I hadnt been in there since Billie died.

I used to stop in there on the way to hosptial to pick up provisions. When children have luekemia there is a protocol to follow if they get a temp. So we would often (too often) be dashing up there at all hours and I would rush in to make sure I would be able to eat/drink and she would have treats and mags.

They all must have thought I was mad. But there are no good memories associated with that place. Going there meant Billie was ill, she could die, we were definately going to be in hospital for at least 3 days and I wouldnt be able to see my boys for at least that long. But when I went there she was alive.

Caz Thinking of you and sending you my love. It must have been so hard seeing those balloons and banners, you poor love. I shall light a candle for Belle xx

Spilt - What a horrible thing to happen! Sending you a hug and a virtual hand hold.

MrsD Sending you a hug, sometimes it hits yo when you least expect it to

We had a scan on Tuesday, everything is looking good! It was a 25 weeks that they spotted some problems with Malachy, in addition to my huge levels of amniotic fluid. I have another scan at 30 weeks, this is as far as I got with Malchy so its going to be a tough one.

It is horrible when you get thrown back with no warning mrsdevere that must have been so upsetting for you. xx

So glad all is well minixx

A candle is lit here for all our precious children. xx

I'm feeling so drained. I felt awful first thing but made myself go into work - I think it was the best thing for me and kept me distracted most of the day, although by two o clock the heavy feeling set in and I was ready to go home, the last hour and half dragged massively. Have had a sleep and got up and lit candles all around Belle's pictures.

I've been given a card from one friend today and another flowers, I was really touched that people had remembered and been kind. I hope people remember her birthday on Tuesday too.

Glad you had a good scan Tuesday mini :) I just can't imagine being past 32 weeks. Starting to plan my maternity leave because I need to put the letter in before we finish for the summer hols. Aiming to finish at 34/35 weeks but I just cannot imagine getting there.

Morning girls xx

We are going to look at places today to spread Ophelias ashes, still not sure where we will go, maybe see where the mood takes us.

Its just over seven weeks ago now, seams like it was a really horrible nightmare.

I do feel a little guilty though as we have started trying again, and Im ancious as I still havnt ovulated. I need to be careful I dont turn this into my life to get pregnant. Oh its all a bit blurrgh....... Im all over the place really.

thinking of you all

Thanks for your comments yesterday ladies, they were very much appreciated. Finding it hard just now as a result of Wednesday's events to eat - I am now home alone and irrationally worried about choking to death alone. It is so shocking and startling when something happens that brings home to you just how fragile life actually is. Perfectly ok one minute, 2 mins later.... aagh it's bloody terrifying.

Caz I'm so glad for you that your friends remembered the date yesterday. I know how much it meant to me when various people remembered Bobbie's due date and wrote/visited that day. Such a little thing for them to do, but means so much.

Congratulations on your scan mini

lavandes I love the "I am here with my painted on smile" comment! Oh how true that is!

MrsDeV ((hugs)) that must have been very hard to be back there.

I bought DH a father's day card yesterday - bloody hard to find anything appropriate. I didn't want "Happy Fathers Day", nor did I want "Worlds best dad" etc. Trying to find something for a father of two who has never yet got to even hold either of his children alive is tough. Cried buckets writing it
Technically it'll be his 2nd fathers day, not that we knew it last year. I got my BFP on 24th June.

Dreading fathers day. My dear old Dad is coming over for lunch and although I love him to pieces he refuses point blank to talk about Sian, and he also refuses to talk about my Mum whos died exactly 2 years ago on what is Fathers day this year. Do I bring up either of the two precious people and risk being hurt when he changes the subject immediately, or feel fuming with him cos he wont mention either? I know I should have more patience with how he has obviously decided to cope, he is 84 and has been the most wonderful Dad, but especially on Mums anniversary I need to be able to talk about how much I miss her. I just know by the end of the day I'll be a seething wreck and I don't want to feel that way, he doesnt deserve anything but love.

Sorry I've not been about, catching up now. I have some gifts for dh for Father's day, one of which is a little glass keyring with Scarlett's hand and footprint inside it. I found a website which you can send the actual prints to and they do it, also lots of other things but it looks really lovely. Not looking forward to Sunday though for poor dh :(

spilt That's just so awful that your baby was missed out from the scrapbook, I think I would have to say something as the one thing that bothers me the most is Scarlett being ignored and forgotten about. I know at the time it must have been too hard though :( I always think of things to say afterwards... One thing I've done is definitely say how I appreciate the people that do ask about her and mention her, it's good to know it's not just us that remember.

Oh that sounds so scary! I hope everything turned out ok for that man.

shabs A blessing?! Words fail me. I don't think you get over it either, just learn to live with it; the grief that is. I feel like I'm treading water most days, just plodding along; I don't feel like I'm "living" at the moment.

ginge Very tactless of sister in law, I've had comments along the lines of, "It was meant to be" etc and it just makes me angry. It wasn't bloody well meant to be at all.

FAB welcome but sorry to have you here under such sad circumstances :(

woolly Beautiful name, we named our daughter Scarlett Niamh. Try not to beat yourself about anything, regrets are there but you did what you needed to at the time (hugs)

shakey (hugs) it does hurt :(

Caz ((hugs)) A year, must be a hard time right now. Do what you need to in order to get by. Thinking of your Belle and of your family xx

lavandes I find that hard, just because you appear normal people think it's all over. I look at people around me just carrying on with their lives and being happy and wonder how they possibly can when our daughter is dead. Looking at photos of people at Christmas parties made me sad too as she died just a few weeks previously at yet people were still out enjoying themselves. I know that's silly but couldn't help it. I think it's so hard for us all, but it seems a common theme that it's just ignored and assumed that we're all fine :( I hope the days get easier. Personally I think it might be nice to get something for Father's day for your husband, just to mark it.

MrsDeVere ((hugs) )

Minione Glad to hear the scan went well, hoping you have an easy rest of pregnancy.

green take your time, you need to make sure it's the right place for you. 7 weeks is nothing. I was feeling fairly numb at that point still and definitely in disbelief that it had happened, hoping to wake up one morning to find it was all a horrble nightmare. I know that feeling, it's been 6 months for us and still trying. Just bought a clearblue fertility monitor so I can track when I ovulate (if I do) as I have such long and varied cycles. Day 17 of cycle today and not ovulated, not even got a high reading, just medium.

kazmus Maybe bringing it up would be good? I know I couldn't not talk about Scarlett if I felt I needed to. You need to express yourself too and let your feelings out. It may hurt to bring it up for both of you but doesn't it hurt anyway? At least talking or mentioning Sian and your Mum then you won't be feeling angry or that it's forgotten or doesn't matter. If that makes any sense?

Thinking of you all this weekend and especially over Father's day :( xxx

I am sorry, I am just crashing in as usual because I feel awful.

I made a right idiot of myself at the drs today and I feel so stupid.

DC5 has an eye infection - thats all.

The Gp was lovely and explaining things to me, treating me like an intelligent person. Talking about what to look out for if it got more serious. I could feel my face doing that terrified look thing it does when I am in ANY medical situation. She of course reacted to that and I burst into tears and said 'I had a daughter and she died. She was diagnosed in this room'.
She was worried she had said something she shouldnt. I told her she hadnt and I do that sometimes without warning. It was awful and I felt so bloody stupid. I dont think DC has cancer, I just cant stand being there and then the very idea that it might get worse just set me off.

I hate beign like this. Its been five years and I cant even go to the dentist. I am getting some help but its all ok talking about it when its not happening. When it happens I just turn into someone else.

I am sorry. i am not responding to your important posts and they are so important but I cant say this to anyone. Its a huge leap for people to make. DD dies of cancer 5 years ago and I cant even take my DC with an eye infection to the GP without crying - how does that make sense.

MrsDeVere Massive ((hugs)) I'm not surprised you feel that way, it must be absolutely awful for you. 5 years doesn't seem like that long to be honest really. I haven't been there yet (our daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks in Dec last year) but it still feels pretty unreal at times. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with horror at what happened and I feel sick to my stomach but that comes in waves. I'm sure when things sink in more I'll feel differently again. I can't pretend to know how you feel but I'm about if you want to talk anymore.

I think the talking has what's kept me sane so far, I've spoken about what happened so much with people (on here a lot) and it's helped hugely. xx

I remember Cheese. I remember it like it was yesterday and I cant believe it was in December. Waves is how it comes so dont be scared and think you will be like me all the time in 5 years. I am not like this all the time and mostly I am ok (ish). Damn medical things just set me off.

Keep talking. It does help. I dont know what I would do without the internet. People wont talk in real life.

Oh Mrs D - I know exactly what you mean. Tom was on the last minute setting off for school....he was so angry with me that he hadn't got up earlier!! I watched him go up our road, he disappeared from sight. Within minutes I heard ambulance, police, fire engine sirens. I just stood, rooted to the spot, and waited for the phone call or the police turning up at my door. I toyed with ringing school to ask if he was in BUT I knew I would cry if they said either yes or no!!! - of course, he was fine, and full of apologies when he got home!

Shabs . It just never ends.

I want to be more normal even if I cant be normal normal.

I am seeing a lovely person at UCH (hospital). This a huge thing because its my second worst place after our local hospital. Not because people were horrible. Just because..
I am proud that I can get off the tube at Warren st station again without feeling sick. The lady is horrible and I was able to cry at Waterloo Road last week for a whole few minutes so thats an acheivement too.

I just think its going to get worse before it gets better. I have been avoiding it all for so long.

My poor kids. Cant even have an eye infection without be behaving like a loon.

Oh I am sooooooooooo good at 'being normal.' It requires a great deal of work and the skills of the finest actor. I went to the cemetry on Monday - first time for 9 years!! Everybody thinks I am so brave they dont know that I have had a migraine since then and at least two panic attacks per day and can hardly move cause all my joints are aching so badly!!!!

Being 'brave' sucks so much!!

Yeah I know. x

had a bit of a cry at work. i was chasing debt, looked at an invoice and it was for kit for brain surgery. quick trip to loos for a cry, came back fast enough but morning was a bit of a waste.

warg. I want him to be alive so much. i check my phone for the call to say he is alright.

it is rubbish. I want to live in a universe where this doesn't happen.

a little poetry for the unborn children,

You were just a flutter,
A twinkle in my tired eye.
You were a filling well of pride,
A butterfly that slept inside
My body your cocoon.
You were my secret sweet
Second heartbeat
You were a life, a soul-to-be
Once grown.
Life is so cruel
you went out to
An unwelcome world,
Alone.

I lost you
Not just months
But years too soon
You live forever in my dream - that could
that would
that should have been.

((((Eggy))))

MrsDeVere Same here, the internet is where I talk, when I say I've spoken a lot it makes it sound like it's to people irl but it isn't really; the net has been a lifeline for me. Really don't think I'd be in this place now if it wasn't for so many lovely people. Everything seems so hard

shabs (hugs) how are you feeling now? I agree, being brave sucks :(

Eggy (hugs) hope you're ok

Hugs all round tonight it seems,

Morning girls xx

Hello everyone! Belle's walk went really well - even if we were walking in the rain! Should have a total by next weekend, need to chase everyone up now!

cazandbelle.blogspot.com/2011/06/anabelles-walk.html

I feel so crap. had an argument with my Dh in my inlaws place in front of his 15 year of brother. It was over nothing but he jumped down my throat, and upset me, so then the flood gates opened and all this emotion spilled out in tears, I couldnt stop, he said sorry but that just made it worse. I couldnt stop crying, then I was getting sympathic looks off the rest of the family, which made me cry more to think they were looking at me because they think I can't handle myself because of my babies death. Then we get in the car and he puts on the cd that I used to sing to Ophelia to make her wiggle in my tummy.
Hes gone out now, with his brothers, told me I need to sort myself out and then to f@$k off, because I said I wasnt going with them. He doenst get it that when I cry everything comes out that had been bottled up over the past few days, since I last cried.
He doesnt get it that I cry because Im crying, and that I dont want others to see Im crying.

He thinks I m mentally unstable when I cry, he always has done, I try to explain to him, but he doenst have a clue that all women are emotional!

Now Ive got to try and put my painted smile on for the rest of the day!

Another person had a baby on facebook, God I'm sick of everyone else but me being pregnant and having babies that are alive.

hi all, just did the massive task of reading all the way through this thread.
I feel very sad for all of you to be missing a child!
I am waiting to give birth to our angel baby.
We had our 20 week scan yesterday and they couldn't find the heartbeat.