Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

Morning girls xx

what an eventful day I had yesterday, fell down the stairs and landed on my back, had to call an ambulance to get me off the floor as I couldn't move. They gave me gas and air which just took me right back to having Ophelia, I cried so hard it was like losing her all over again.

They were lovely to me tho, and now im so drugged up!

Morning ladies xx

I used to wake up at 4.00 for months cheese, have you tried Nytol, I found it quite good it may get you into a better sleep pattern. I don't often wake early now, and if I do I do go back to sleep. It is horrible because
everything seems worse in the middle of the night (if thats possible) and it is lonely. Hope you get a good night soon. xx

Oh green I hope you recover soon. That must have been so scary. Try to rest xx

Blimey green ! I hope you aren't too sore today. Did you damage anything?

Bobbie is 8 months old today. WHERE has that time gone?!

green I hope you are ok!

tooimmature Yes, I am in Scotland, just outside Glasgow.

Hope everyone has a gentle day x

Morning all, seems so many of us having difficult times at the moment, and so hard to know how to break the cruel circle we find ourselves in. It may or may not be of use but there is a new book out called 'The Death Of A Child' which is a series of personal accounts but the really useful part I found was the descriptions of feelings that sometimes you feel you are alone in experiencing. I mentally ticked boxes saying, 'oh it's not just me then' the pain the guilt the lonely hours in the night. Heavy going obviously, but a book that makes you say 'i'm not alone in this'. The editor is Peter Stanford and is pulished by continuumbooks

Hi Ladies, hope you're not feeling too sore Green, you poor thing.

Its a year since we had the scan and found out Malachy had died, I feel kind of numb. On the brink of tears but unable to cry. Tbh the year has gone so quickly and I genuinely think I spent the first 4 months or so in some kind of haze. I had a midwife appointment today, all's well and heard baby's heartbeat. I've decided to not go back into school, I've found it hard being there this week.

Love you always Malachy Aidan, my first baby, my precious boy

I am crying now, I just feel so alone

You are not alone Mini - you have us. I know that is not as good as a hug in person - but, Im sure I speak for everyone of us on our thread, we are all here for you. I am lighting my candle in honour, love and respect for you and your little man. xxxx

Hugs mini im thinking of you and your precious Malachy today xx

Good news though that Dd's team won in her sports day and she came 2nd in her race!! So proud of her, she's 9 at the moment, ds1 is 7 and has his next week. It did start raining and they had to all go inside for 10 mins but then the sun came out and they got to finish!

green that's awful! Hope you're ok. Did you do any damage to yourself?

*lavandes I've not tried Nytol but I can't swallow tablets and I'm a bit of a wuss with medicines. I try to avoid taking anything at all, even paracetamol, if at all possible. My problem is getting to sleep, I was still up until 5.30ish last night so managed a couple of hours sleep.

spilt ((hugs)) 8 months wow

jane wishing you a gentle day also xx

kazmus I've read a couple of books but cannot recall their names, that book you mentioned does sound good. I found it good to know others feelings and emotions afterwards too.

Mini huge ((hugs)) for you today, a year :( The time does go by so fast doesn't it. Wish I could hold your hand and give you a hug in real life, sending virtual ones in their place. I will light a candle for your lovely boy xxxx

Thanks everyone. I can talk here, I spoke to my mum earlier and she acknowledeged the day but I'm sure it was only because I mentioned it first. She's not great at showing her feelings, she's always been like this. DH hasn't said much either, to be fair I haven't seen him since this morning and I was still in bed when he left but he's another one who bottles it up. I gave birth on the 12th so we'll go to the grave on Sunday, I'll be sobbing and DH will stand there looking awkward. I know DH goes to the grave on his own sometimes, I just think when he's there with me hethinks that he has to be the strong one. I pass the cemetary everyday going to work and back , so I might go tomorrow.

My husband goes to the grave everyday!! I can't go that often, once or twice a week, but we always go seperatly! If we do go together then he sneaks back later on his own!! I actually don't think it's doing him any favours but he said it helps so I leave him to do what he wants.
I find it hard to go there at the moment because we haven't had the headstone yet, I think it will be easier to focus on that, at the moment I just find myself looking at the square in the grass where the hole was that I placed olivers ashes in and that just upsets me!!!

Mini From everyone I've spoken to, men seem to be worse at bottling things up, dh is the same. He's been referred for some counselling through the gp and should be starting in a week or two I think. I'm hoping that will help him. Going to the cemetary does help sometimes, depends on your mood and how things are going in general too I find. (hugs)

ginge we have to wait 9 months before the headstone can go on because of subsidence, the headstone could go wonky otherwise. It takes 3 months to order though so we've been looking already. Still haven't decided after the initial looks and am kind of burying my head in the sand about it now. I must crack on with it :( We've put lots of little flowers (fresh and artificial so there is always something there), little ornaments, candles, wind chimes, some little easter ducks and also an eggcup. We bought a pack of 4 before Scarlett was born for all the children, so they had one each so it seemed right that we leave hers there. It really helps having something nice there. We have a temporary wooden cross with her name, date of birth and a little line of words too. Not sure if you've done anything but going shopping for those bits and bobs helped, it seemed better that we were buying things for her, if you see what I mean. Then leaving them there made that better too. (hugs)

mini thinking of you and Malachy today xx

Does anyone else sometimes find that you feel you need to go to their grave, but when you get there it doesn't quite feel like you've arrived? I suppose I go looking for Bobbie and expecting to feel close to her there, but sometimes it's like she isn't there at all, even though she is IYKWIM? I often find I feel closer to her at home because this is where the memories are for me.

I have only been to my boys grave about a dozen times since they died. I hate going there. It is a beautiful graveyard and they have a lovely headstone BUT I despise going there. My Mum and Dad go often but I just cant go. I get an overwhelming feeling that they are not there - it brings me no comfort at all. I feel guilt for being this way - but I am being honest. I wish it brought me comfort to go but it doesn't xx

I know what you mean, I feel like I should go but when I'm there it feels unreal. I get comfort from passing the graveyard and from knowing its in the village where we lived for almost 7 years but actually going to the grave brings little comfort. But then how could it?

I think for me it does bring comfort at times in the sense that I know she's at rest and I find it a peaceful place to be where I can just remember her and do something physical to remember her by, if that makes any sense. I don't go there often though. I do like taking fresh flowers and tidying up any weeds but she is definitely with me wherever I am, I feel that and I dream it. Some dreams have be such a comfort to me.

Candle lit here for Malachy mini thinking of you tonight xxx

Sending love mini x x

Morning girls xx

Shabba, don't feel guilty for not wanting to go there!!! It's not for everyone!! When my dad died when I was 11 I went to the grave not long after and I hated it!! I vowed I would never go there again!! That was 18 years ago and I have never been back!! I hated it so much we chose a different cemetery for Oliver! In a way I wish my dad was in olivers cemetery, but I know in my heart I know they are not really there!! They are everywhere with me!!!

sorry for being awol..mum is back to being in and out of hosp and I feel getting to a stage where she needs some sort of carer .. but my parents wont hear of it.. its hard to watch her struggle so much...

anyway . I used to go to Frasers garden( I hate the other g word) at least once a week. I cant face that any more.. how awful is that a thing to say.. but I know you ladies will understand that emotion

I dont go for ages and then I just get an urge.. like a need to go. I do take hubby and Ross sometimes. But I like to go by myself.. I sit cross legged on the grass and read to him.

Nuts ?????? probs.....but there is something calming about sitting on the grass talking to him. Shabs you are right he is not there.. I could do the same thing in my own back garden and he would know .. but I couldnt do that

When we are going on holiday /to the local beach/soft play etc we join the m/way and we can see the graveyard and because Fraser has a blue marble headstone and is at the top of the hill we can see it as we pass. I hate that

I stick to the main road and join at the next junction .. how mad is that???? but its like I cant pass him by taking Ross somewhere fun

Right enough of my nonsense .I am going back to my wine.. which I have started on far too early !!!!

Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind me posting my story here, but I have gained a lot of comfort from reading this thread and would like to share my story. Our beautiful baby boy Harry was born in feb at 21 weeks. We found out at the 20 week scan that his heart and lungs had not developed properly and that he "was not compatible with life". I was induced, we would have just been prolonging the inevitable otherwise. The birth was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I still can't believe that we have lost our son, I would give anything just to hold him one more time, he was so beautiful. It is coming up to the time when I should have been due and I feel like I have taken a big step backwards the last few days, I can barely hold it together most of the time. Sat here in floods of tears, but feels good to get this out.

Welcome MrsRudyRudpoo ofc we dont mind you posting here. i am sorry for your loss of your angel Harry and sad you have to post here at all. It is good to share with people who have been through similar circumstances and its helped me alot to talk about My Grace here.I am dreading coming up to her due date in august, i keep thinking i am doing better then something reminds me of her and i fall to peices.

I have graces ashes at the moment in our memory box as we are unsure what we want to do with them. i have been thinking of getting a memorial glass heart done where they mix a bit of the ashes with the glass so i can keep a piece of her with me and then scattering the rest at the baby garden in the local crematorium.

MrsRudyRudpoo, welcome as shakey says you are most welcome.

Iam a little better still on painkillers and can't move much but getting there. It was so hard having that gas and air again, its like these past six weeks have never happened and im back to square one. I so want my Ophelia back.

So sorry for your loss mrsrudy!!! I have only been posting on this thread for five weeks and already I have seen more people joining after me!! Sooooo sad!!!! None of us should have to be talking about this it's so unfair!!! Hope being on here will help you though!! Love to you and your family! Xx