Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

Blog updated with pics: cazandbelle.blogspot.com/2011/06/alexander-jon.html

Feeling shit, our poor darling daughter

Morning girls xx

Cheese, my candle burnt all night for your little girl. Let your grief carry you for a while.

Thank you for you words on a hard day for you.

thinking of you still

morning sorry havent commented for a while been a bit of a up and down weekend. i went to see take that on friday and even though it was a great concert i couldnt stop feeling guilty about enjoying it when i should be there 7 months pregnant. i am due back to work tonight and dreading it, not sure what will be worse people not mentioning grace at all or if they do mention her and i get really upset again.

gratz caz what a lovely name :-)

and thinking about you all

cheese i was and still am thinking of you and Scarlett. I hope today is being gentle on you.

Congratulations caz how wonderful, a little brother for Belle! Love the name!

shakeyjake. oh love.
HOw long you been away from work? Thats got to be hard.

Im wondering when I should return, dont want to, and Im kind of hoping I will be pregnant again when I do. wishful thinking.

its been just over 2 months, not sure i m ready but i keep thinking the longer i stay off the more i will dread going back. i keep thinking i should be doing the lasr few weeks before maternity leave not going back after i have had her

When Matty was killed I was working in a local sandwich shop. I had a week off and then was asked could I please go in because they were so short staffed. I decided that somebody in our house had to get dressed and get out to earn some money. I went in on the Monday morning. We used to do big orders for local businesses - all the orders were telephoned in and then they were delivered. The first order I picked up was for the Soft drinks company that the man worked for who had killed Matty.

I had to do the order. I scanned down the list and found his name. He had obviously gone back to work much sooner than I had!! I made the whole order while big blobby, salty tears dropped onto their sandwiches - I now wish I had done something to his breakfast order. The words 'farts, snot and spit' spring to mind - sorry that is TMI!!

For me going back so quickly was the best thing. I had to get 'normality and routine' back. Everybody is different but that way worked for me.

Hi ladies xx

I went back to work after 5 weeks. I just worked 2 days then I had a weeks holiday, which had been booked for months, after holiday I went back and did my normal days (I work part time, 3 or 4 days). For me it was a lifeline. I am a receptionist and I serve the general public. At first I was very scared as I thought the whole world knew what had happened, but they didn't. I did and still dohave panicky times but I still think I did the best thing for the sake of my sanity. I am much 'better' when I am busy. But everyone is different. My husband went back after 2 weeks. I think he would not have coped if he had stayed at home.

I went back this week, mornings only - this is the 13th week since Thea was born. So far the worst moment was at lunchtime today when the dinner lady got all excited to see me and asked 'did you have your baby, what was it?'. I had to say 'it was a girl, but she was stillborn'. Her face fell and she looked shocked and horrified, and I felt bad for making her feel awkward, but it's not my fault either! DH went back this week too and he said he was getting lots of hugs and manly handshakes and shoulder-grips. I've been hugged a lot too, and winked at, for some reason.

I wanted to be pregnant when I went back too! It is 6 weeks since I had a period but I tested and it was negative. My system is clearly just a bit confused. I've got my renal appt next Friday, so hopefully I will get the all-clear to go ahead.

I went back to work after 6 weeks, i found it very hard and still do, I am a childminder and resent having to care for other children when i can't care for my own daughter. I am only have children before and after school for an hour though, i don't think i could handle having any baby/toddler mindees at the minute. i HATE doing the school pick up, i stand in the playground like a leper, noone will speak to me anymore .

tooimmature hope your appointment goes well and you can join me in the ttc quest!

Thank you all xxx

green thank you, means a lot xx

shakey thinking of you, it's hard not to feel guilty, I do too but be kind to yourself. I've found people have not mentioned Scarlett in general, but you never know I guess. Hope the return goes as well as it could

jane thank you too, today has been better, managed to get a fair bit done!

shabs Oh I can't believe you had to go back to work so soon! How awful :( That must have been so hard for you. Oh my that's just awful, how you managed I really don't know. Huge ((hugs)).

lavandes I like to be busy too, but even then my mind is always on the go.

TooImmature (hugs) how has it been for you at work? I've just started using a clearblue monitor to test for ovulation, we've been trying since my first period but nothing so far, 4/5 months? About that, I keep track on my phone. Something else to obsess over!

I feel so awful, been sitting here crying a while, I feel so guilty. I should have just gone in to the hospital that night, maybe she would have been here now if I had. I'll never forgive myself for that.

Morning girls xx

morning girlsxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh cheese please dont blame yourself. Like everyone was telling me a couple of days ago, you cant blame yourself. Hindsight is an evil thing, doesnt do us any good.
Big hugs.

Morning ladies xx

cheese, just want to echo greenzebra. You are NOT to blame, please don't torture yourself. I have felt so responsible for letting Bobbie down, for not protecting her from infection, for managing to catch the sodding thing somehow. And if I said that to you you'd tell me not to beat myself up, I couldn't have known, I wouldn't have done anything to hurt her. Right back at ya my dear. Big hugs and a hand to hold x

nice article here:
www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/health/2011/0607/1224298494116.html

green it's so hard not to at times, mostly when I'm thinking straight I know there wasn't anything I could do but other times...All I can think is how unfair it all is, but that sounds so crap. :(

spilt Thank you xx it goes through your head though sometimes, you're right though.

Hope everyone's getting by this evening. Looks like rain here, hoping it holds off for tomorrow as it's dd's sports day at school.

That's so touching, in3minds. It made me cry to think that in 20 years the grief will still be there, but smaller. I don't want my baby to be smaller!

Cheese, don't think that. It was not your fault in any way. Thank you for asking about work. It is okay when I'm there, but I'm finding that when I come home all the thoughts I have been repressing all morning crash back in and I seem to spend all afternoon and evening careering between sadness, anger and hope for the future. They're all exhausting!

Just reread this - Jane, you feeling like a leper at work is horrible! I wish I could come and hold your hand. Did you say you were in Scotland? It seems to me that there are a disproportionate number of us here who are Scottish. Is that true, or am I getting confused?

Morning, well, almost? I can't sleep so made a cup of decaff tea and brought in the milk. Can't believe it's getting light already, looks lovely out there. Think I'll find some Come Dine With Me's to watch on 4od.

TooImmature Sorry it's so exhausting for you :( I hope you manage some peace of mind soon, unlikely I know but can hope xx