Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

its a video of a baby that was born a couple of weeks ago to one of the antenatal class couples. I thought I would be ok, but Im not I guess.

big hugs shabs

Thanks for chat last night ginge and cheese sorry if I was all 'me me me'it is so comforting to know that there is always someone to listen xx

shabs I don't know either why we put ourselves through these things. Maybe it is so we know that they were here and we do not forget as sometimes it all seems to be a horrible dream IYSWIM. xxx

cheese spot on there, yes I wanted to tell the whole story at the antenatal group but also felt mute and like I couldn't say a word... hopefully at some of the women only sessions I'll be able to share a bit more. Thanks for the offer of a birth chat, I might well take you up on that at somepoint. Likewise, here and glad to listen if you want to talk about Scarlett's birth. I wrote about Bobbie's birth the day after and it really helped to do it. I felt a bit like I was making sure the memories didn't get lost or muddled.
How has today been for you? Wishing you strength for tomorrow as well.

triplets thank you so much for writing those words. I've read them three times today and they are still giving me shivers and a lump in my throat. Such a beautiful way of expressing it.

lavandes hope your head is feeling ok today.

green I'm sorry the video upset you so much. It's very early days, don't feel like you're not coping well because of it. You are doing great, but this is such a bloody awful thing to have to survive.

caz I think it's your 20 week scan tomorrow? Very best of luck my lovely, we'll look forward to hearing baby Bow's name xx

I have two videos of Oliver on my phone and I watch them everyday!!! One is of him when he first started pulling himself up to stand in the bath, the other is of his laughter at pushing his big sister off the sofa!!! I love watching them!!! I cry every time, but have to do it!!! The sound of his laughter gets me every time!!!
It's been almost five weeks now!! I still keep thinking I can hear him crying in the night sometimes! Then I realise that he's gone!!

hey split - its our private gender scan tomorrow, 18 weeks. my "20 week" scan is next week at 19 weeks! I asked not to have a scan at 20 weeks incase it fell on Belle's bday, because I turn 20 weeks on Belle's birthday. Hope Bow is behaving with legs wide open tomorrow so I can 'introduce' you all to Belle's little bro/sis!

A year ago tomorrow I was admitted to hospital with threatened prem labour. Giving me steroids incase Belle was born early, drugs to stop her being born early. They stopped the labour but a week later she'd died inside me. I'm told the timing was just a horrible coincidence and the prem labour was in no related to her death. I can't help thinking what if they had got her out instead of fighting to keep her in. Would she have survived in an SBCU better than she did inside me? We'll never know.

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

been stupid again can't leave things alone can I.
Had a look on the internet about still birth and fibroids. I have fibroids, was diagnosed before I fell pregnant. But I was told they were fine, I saw a consultant twice during the pregnancy just to keep an eye on things. So I tapped stillbirth and fibroids into a search engine and lots of articles came up saying that fibroids increased the risk of still birth by 30%. I am a little angry right now, is this why Ophelia was dead is it because of these things inside me. Should they have monitored me more. Im feeling now that they should have. Maybe I need someone to blame. I dont know, I think I just need answers.
I keep thinking about my last appointment at the hospital, they did an ultrasound and said that the baby was head down in a good position but that I had a cluster of fibroids near the head, they were about the size of a large orange. The consultant then said that she needed to know where abouts the cluster was so booked me in for another ultrasound at 39 weeks, I was 35 at the time. A week later my baby was dead. Oh this is so unfair, maybe I should have stood up and asked for another ultrasound right there. I dont know.
The doctors should get in touch with me right? When the post mortem is ready. Why is it taking so long, does this mean that there was something wrong that they cant find the answers too.

Im sorry girls just full of questions that no one can answer.

Green - I dont know the medical answers - I wish I did.

You should get the chance to go back to the hospital to discuss the PM with the right people. After Gareth died we were asked to go in and talk to the heart specialist who took care of him. I had to write all my questions down and also the answers he gave. With Matthew there was an inquest. The inquest took 6 months to take place. The 'NHS wheels' seem to turn very slowly.

I was asked a series of questions by the doctor after Gareth (and Danny) was born. 'Did you drink, did you take drugs, did you smoke when you were pregnant? My answer to all of them was 'NO' Then, quite probably the weirdest question - 'Did you have flu in early pregnancy? I said that yes I had a very heavy cold when I was about 3 months pregnant. I just got that smug look with a nodding head???????????? WTF was that all about? I didn't even ask - I had delivered twins a few hours earlier and was in no fit state to argue with anyone.

I dont know what to say that will help you. Really dont. The only thing I can say is that you cant keep blaming yourself my love...you really cant. Very, very sadly you also cant turn the clock back. You can only keep trying to walk this crappy path with all our help xxx

We are having a boy! I will update blog a bit later with photos! Alexander Jon, Xander for short!

Oh Caz, that's fantastic! Cute name too! xxx

Such wonderful news Caz - love his name especially Xander - so delighted for you both xxx

I'll catch up later, just checking in. Having a bad day, 6 months ago today I gave birth :( so, so unfair. I'm so sad and upset

Green Like Shab said you should be able to discuss this. Whatever caused Ophelia's death isn't your fault. I know how you feel and I still think did I do something wrong, but I know deep down that I shouldn't blame myself.

This time last year (to the day not date)I went to my GP as I hadn't felt any movement. The stupid man spent an age trying to find a heart beat then said he could hear it but it was a bit slow but yes definitely the baby. Less than 48hours later a scan told me my baby had died. I still think what ifs, if he had sent me to the hospital they mighthave been able to do something, what if there was a heart beat and he couldhave been saved. I can't believe a year has passed already, it has gone so quickly.

Cheese X posts, thinking of you xx

Wonderful news, Caz :)

Thinking of you all x

Lovely news caz love the name Xander xx

great news caz.

Im going to light a candle for you tonight cheese. Thinking of you.

A red candle lit here for Scarlett's half birthday. Much love to you cheese. You know where we all are if you want to talk about it all today xx

Caz congratulations on your little boy Will look forward to having a look at your blog later.

Oh just found a red candle that is scented with strawberries.....a candle lit here for you in Lancashire xxx

A candle is lit in Cornwall for you and your family cheese xx

Thank you all for the candles, it means a lot xxx We have our own red one burning at the moment too.

Doing ok at the moment now, having a beer, probably not a great idea but hey I fancy it and I can so. The support here has been really amazing, it's so nice to be able to just talk about things without feeling like I'm boring anyone or making them feel uncomfortable.

caz That is wonderful news and a beautiful name xx Your post about Belle, it's hard not to think about the what ifs; I know I do a lot but please don't torment yourself thinking about it. There wasn't anything you could do :(

lavandes It wasn't all "me, me me" from you the other night, sometimes we all just need to vent and talk no matter what. xx

spilt I hope you do feel able to share with your group, when you can. You might find it helps you to get it out. Anytime you want to chat then I'm here :) Thank you for the offer too, it's so nice to be able to just talk about the birth to someone that understands. It's difficult talking and expressing it all sometimes, as it's not always the happy event that most women experience. Yesterday was ok, hard to sleep as usual but getting by. I do that a lot lately, get by; as do we all.

ginge you must treasure those vidoes of Oliver so much! He sounds adorable. 5 weeks is nothing, be kind to yourself. xx

green It wasn't your fault, please don't blame yourself, not at all. In the end I had to get my mum (I couldn't do it) to contact the hospital for our results as it had been 5/6 weeks with no news after the pm. I'm glad she did as they told her we'd been "lost in the system" and made an appointment for us the following week iirc. One thing I'd say is to write things down, I literally could barely speak while I was in there talking and was shaking so much it was clearly visible. I also took a bottle of water too which helped. I felt sick and couldn't take it in. I got more from the letter we received afterwards detailing everything, that was also a hard read though. (hugs) xx

Minione (huge hugs) a year, time seems to go so fast yet so slowly all at the same time I find. So much thought and guilt all round but it's none of our fault.

shabs the unanswered questions eat can you up at times. It's all so sad :(

Thank you all again so much xxxx

Beautiful name Caz, over joyed for you. Hugs to you all on here xx