Oh girls..............sat in bed awake early as usual and reading your posts:( I like Shabs have been on my journey of grief for a very long time now. It was 17 years last Thurs that Matthew died. Sudden death is such a huge shock, not only mentally but physically to yourself. Matthew was 14, only child, never ill. How could he walk into my garden and collapse, be gone before he touched the floor? Years of chasing an answer, test after test, and there is nothing. I know I have to be thankful he didnt die of cancer or an awful accident, poor Shabs has the most awful memories of that, but its not <strong>knowing</strong>. Everyone used to say in the first early days that time heals, I couldnt believe that could happen, didnt want it to happen because that would make me feel guilty, as though I could go on without him. But that is exactly what you do, you go on, your find the strength. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years and tears dry up. But always be prepared for a blip, a sudden memory, a piece of music, a yogurt on a supermarket shelf that was his favourite. 17 years and Munch Bunch yogurts still get to me. I have been through panicy times when I think I cant remember his voice, feel as though he was never here , feel guilty that he is not the first thing I think of when I wake up anymore, the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. But this is healing and its good. We cannot go back, but for them we can go on, holding them forever within us as we did when we carried them, ours always to love and to know that they are ours, a part of us that can never truly die. It is a long road, but take the diversions along the way, don`t feel guilty going off the track, it can lead to joy..........................be happy without guilt, wear your masks when you need to cover up, Shabs and I still do.................do this for them, thats what they would want. Love to you all. xx