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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:
greenzebra · 01/06/2011 09:07

thank you ladies! You are all so wonderfully supportive.

It was very hard, her little white coffin, I couldnt take my eyes off it. I cried the whole way through dont remember much of what everyone said really, just that I was holding on to DH's hand very tightly. He is amazing, Im so lucky I have him.

I found it hard that everyone just got on and had a drink afterwards in the pub, I couldnt. I just kept seeing that coffin, and her precious little face. Its not over for us, we still have to spread the ashes.

I also find it hard that all we have left of her is in a little box the hospital gave us. It has a few photos of her, her name bracelets, mine, and some cards. Not much but all we have.

shakeyjake · 01/06/2011 09:29

morning :-) ((hug)) greenzebra. i dont think its ever over, there are lots of days where i think of what should have been. i too still have to spread Graces's ashes but i have looked into memorial glass hearts that use a bit of the ashes with the glass so i can always have a little bit with me.

it is very hard knowing all we have of grace is a box with photos and foot/hand prints in, knowing there will be no more photos of her no more memories.

had a bad night last night, had to take my 6 year old dd to A+E as she had fell off a climbing frame at the park and hurt her foot, and just couldn't help remembering the last time i was in hospital i had to leave Grace there.

gingegirl · 01/06/2011 10:27

Hi ladies, just wanted to say I was thinking about you greenzebra!!!! Seeing the coffin is heartbreaking isn't it!!!! We had seen Oliver in his coffin everyday in the lead up to the funeral in the chapel of rest, so seeing it in the funeral wasn't as much of a shock!!!!
We chose cremation, however we buried the ashes in the cemetery in a really pretty little area specially for cremations. I find comfort from going there and knowing that he is there!!!
It's been 4 weeks today!!! Keep reliving his last day!!! Not a good day today!!!!

greenzebra · 01/06/2011 20:08

A very bad day reallyAngry, went to collect the ashes. And my Dh and I thought we would go and spread them straight away on this hill near our home. When we got to one car park we got out and wondered around deciding it wasnt the place and then we saw a man standing in the bushes masterbating! Shock Could not believe it. We rushed away so quick. Its totally put us off spreading the ashes anywhere at the moment. So disgusting.

Makes me think that maybe should have spread them at the memorial gardens at the crematorium. At least nobody would do that there.

CheeseandGherkins · 01/06/2011 20:30

green (hugs) I remember feeling the same about the little white coffin, it's so devastatingly hard :( That is really awful about the man! Shock , take the time you need to decide where to spread her ashes and be kind to yourself.

ginge 4 weeks is no time at all, I still feel awful a lot of the time and it will be 6 months tomorrow since we found out Scarlett had died :( Thinking of you.

shakey I hope your dd is ok. Must have been difficult for you having to go back :( We have a box too, with handprints, photos, hospital tag etc and a cast of her hand and foot on the wall.

shabs how are you today?

Thinking of everyone tonight. I'm feeling fairly crap, period started again today, so, not great. Especially when it's the 6 month mark tomorrow of when Scarlett died and then on the 6th it will be 6 months since she was born :(

spilttheteaagain · 01/06/2011 20:38

Oh green Sad that is horrible. Well done for getting through yesterday.

As shakey says it'll never be over for us, and in many ways of course, you don't want it to be. The pain for me is like the proof that she was alive, that I am a mum, and that my baby is loved and wanted always. But the fact that everyone else eventually switches off and moves on is one of the hardest and loneliest parts of this path. Nearly 8 months now since losing my baby. I think I am starting to get that I will never move on from here. Having her and losing her is part of me now and I'll always carry the scars.

I'm struggling a lot at the moment, feeling very fragile and can't stop going over those awful days in October. That bloody scan will not go away. I used to remember it and go a bit clammy and feel sick and block the thoughts. I can't seem to block them anymore and keep ending up in floods of tears. It's like I can finally start to process some of that day - I lived it in a weird sort of numbness and have remembered it numbly for so long. But now the memories are starting to hurt like hell.

cheese you make total sense. I remember the sheer blinding rage I felt when friends of ours had their 20 week scan (4 weeks after our devastating one) and it was fine. It wasn't that I wanted anything else for them, but I so wanted to have had that myself. But it's hard to explain that, people think you begrudge them their happiness. I don't, I just wish I had it too.

spilttheteaagain · 01/06/2011 20:40

oh hugs to you cheese what a hell of a few days you are having. Everyone seems to be having a particularly hard patch just now. Wish it was different xx

shabbapinkfrog · 02/06/2011 06:44

Morning girls xx

travellingwilbury · 02/06/2011 07:03

Morning all x

Shabs how you doing ?

shabbapinkfrog · 02/06/2011 07:21

Morning TW.....I've no idea how I am doing to be honest Grin as my MN nickname suggests I have a head full of 'pink frogs' LOL!!!

spilttheteaagain · 02/06/2011 07:29

thinking of you today cheese x

Hope your pink frogs behave themselves shabs!

travellingwilbury · 02/06/2011 07:33

Oh Shabs , sorry you are struggling atm . It will be friday very soon . Are you seeing your mad friends ?

shabbapinkfrog · 02/06/2011 08:50

Could I ask all you lovely ladies to remember my MN (and real life) friend today. It is 17 years since Triplets precious DS1 died. 17 long years of longing and sadness. I have only met her once in real life....many, many miles keep us apart from each other. She is a great friend and I hate seeing her so sad.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/06/2011 11:27

Hazy - if you are around - thanks for your text - I have no phone credit....as usual. Have replied to you on Facebook xxxx

CheeseandGherkins · 02/06/2011 12:36

Afternoon.

split I so agree with you about everyone else switching off. I use FB quite a lot and it seems because I seem "happy" now, that it means I'm "over it" and everything is fine. It's like some people just didn't want/couldn't deal with the grief and pain and it just made them uncomfortable. One person even suggested I not listen to sad music as that would only make me feel worse! If they only knew, I CAN'T feel worse. Such a kick in the teeth at times. People forget so quickly and move on, whilst we're just stuck in this. (hugs) for you, I've gone over and over things in my mind and what I could have done differently and right now I feel a huge amount of guilt that I didn't end up getting to the hospital the night before. It was a series of events that went wrong that night and I remember a lot of it so vividly.

Numbness, yes, makes sense also. I dreamt about Scarlett last night, quite appropriate I suppose considering. I just cannot believe it's been 6 months since she died :( My mum was holding her in my dream and gave her to me, I remember cradeling her in my arms and cuddeling her. As she started to fall asleep she grabbed my fingers in her little hand and held on tight, then fell asleep. She looked so happy and content and I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of contentment also.

Tearing up remembering that dream.

How are you feeling today Split? Thank you for the thoughts, noone else has said a word in real life...Really saddens me and makes me angry at the same time that it's all I can think about yet other people just carry on.

lavandes · 02/06/2011 14:08

Afternoon ladies xx

Sending love to you and your friend Triplets shabs I honestly never knew how painful this journey would be until it happened to me. Just that thought makes me feel ashamed. xx

It is so lonely for us when all the people who should understand have 'moved on' and just presume that because we get on with the everyday things and appear to cope that we too have 'moved on' (I don't know where we are supposed to move to), but that is how it seems to be for most of us. At least we all have eachother even though we have never met. This is what 'the kindness of strangers' must mean. xx

shabbapinkfrog · 02/06/2011 17:59

I have only met Triplets once....she lives darn Sarf and Im up in frozen Lancashire. We both have lost boys called Matthew and I noticed her story in a newsletter from Compassionate Friends. We met up about 7 years ago at a mutual friends wedding anniversary party. She is just wonderful. Has gone through so very much. She is always 'there' for me. Doesn't matter what she is doing or what is happening with her.....I know that she is just always there.

Very, very few people that I know in real life have any idea what goes on in my head and heart.....and that includes relatives. I think its because I have 'moved on' - where I have 'moved on to' I have no idea.....maybe its just a couple of miles walk from the desperate place I have sadly visited twice. They just see my painted on smile and think 'Oh she's fine!!' I hate the word 'fine!!'

travellingwilbury · 02/06/2011 18:22

Shabs a candle has been lit here all day for Triplets , and one for you too zebra

I agree that the word "fine" is shite . It should be replaced with "I am surviving for now but who knows what I will be like in an hour or so" .

Sending lots of hugs to all of us x

CheeseandGherkins · 02/06/2011 18:40

shabs sorry, been caught up in myself today too much and overlooked your post. Thinking of you friend Triplets and will light a candle later on in memory. Fine is a shit word, I agree. I use it so much though. When people are how you are, I don't think most actually want to know; well, they want to know that you're "fine". A lot just don't want the true depth of feeling and emotion that you feel.

Just got back from the cemetary, dh went with his mum and sisters earlier on. They were bringing my dd1 back from Devon after she'd stayed there with them a week and haven't been up here (4 hour drive) since the funeral so it was the first time they'd been to the grave. I stayed here with the dcs but then decided I wanted to go too so my mum popped over to watch dcs and we bought some flowers and took a few bits and bobs to leave there. Apparently dh was told earlier when he was there that things have been going missing from the children's part of the cemetary :( Angry what sort of people would do that??! I'm lost for words. Nothing from Scarlett's grave was gone but it's hard enough dealing with loss as it is without having to wonder if things are going to be stolen.

We were looking at headstones recently (will take longer than we thought to get it done) but have a limit on size, there was one that was perfect but we need to see if they can make it smaller.

Hope everyone is coping tonight. It's been a hard day so far xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 02/06/2011 18:41

Thank you TW - have had mine lit all day as well xx

travellingwilbury · 02/06/2011 18:46

cheese sending a big huge hug to you , you sound like you could do with it.

peterpansmum · 02/06/2011 19:25

Hey shabs I'm sure I saw a definition of 'fine' that went along the lines of: fucked up, insecure, needy and emotional ..... I'm absolutely feeling 'fine' today too!!!!!

peterpansmum · 02/06/2011 19:43

... and thinking of your lovely friend Triplets who I know wanders in here now and again as I've seen her posts every now and then - hugs and love to you triplets if you're around xxxx

travellingwilbury · 02/06/2011 20:17

ppm how you doing ?

Sending hugs to you too xx

CazandBelle · 02/06/2011 20:47

Sorry I've been AWOL girls, having a hell of a time at the moment. Spotting on and off and starting to unravel fast. Just blogged about it if you want to read.

Important thing is everything shows baby is fine at the moment and the spotting source cannot be identified - doesn't stop me feeling panic stricken though.

I will read back and catch up now.