Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 24/05/2011 22:00

Thinking of you Karen, my dd and ds1 (ds2 a little young) blamed themselves a little at first, I had to reassure them that it wasn't their fault. They came to me and asked if them poking the baby had caused it. All they did was feel her kicking inside me a lot :( Poor things. Dd is 9 now, ds1 is only 7 and ds2 4.

KarenHL · 24/05/2011 22:11

DD is 5. Desperate to be a big sister in practice. Didn't help that she couldn't see/hold Allan when he arrived (we only had him for just under an hour - assisted breathing for his first 45mins then in our arms). It was Christmas Eve, so to have her in the Hosp waiting with family would have made things v.difficult for them. Almost every day she's asking if I have a baby in my tummy yet (baby weight not gone).

shabbapinkfrog · 24/05/2011 22:13

None of us would ever, ever harm our unborn babies....none of us. I still feel guilt about loosing my boys. I am at peace with loosing Gareth - I did everything I could to keep him alive. Stayed awake for hour after hour - through the night, through the day. Feeding him little by little. He was too poorly to stay with us. I will never loose the guilt about Matty. I know I did not kill him but it makes no difference to how I feel.

Our 'surviving' children have quite a difficult 'role' to play. We tend to be more protective and over anxious. I have found, through experience, that we should try our hardest to not be like that. It has taken me many years to realise this. My darling, darling first born son and his lovely partner have bought Lewis a bike for his 3rd birthday in a couple of weeks. The bike is in a box riding around in my sons car boot. He has been so brave. He saw his brother lying, with his bike, under a lorry. BUT he knows that Lew has to be a normal little lad. He has to take the risks that other children do. However, his first purchase for his sons birthday was a cycling helmet Smile I am so very proud of him for having such courage and for being a wonderful Daddy xx

shabbapinkfrog · 25/05/2011 06:42

Morning girls xx

janedoe25 · 25/05/2011 08:02

*tooimmature8 Hope you are ok today, getting the reults is soul destroying
especially when they tell you something may have been done to save your baby! Its is disgusting, every midwife and doctor should be working to the same book, not on personal opinions, if that was the case our baby girls may be here with us! I know the next few days will be tough on you, we are here for you honey.

karen im thinking about you, must be so hard dealing with your daughters grief too.

My period came back on Monday, one year to the day we conceived and 12 weeks exactly after Zoe was born asleep. It has marked the end and the beginning. We have decided to try for another baby after my next period.

kazmus · 25/05/2011 09:38

9 months today since i held your hand and stroked your hair. Come home now please I cant do this without you

Original poster
frasersmummy · 25/05/2011 10:41

amen to that Jane...

Aww too immature.. I dont have any words right now ..7 years on and I still want to kill the midwife who decided she didnt need a measurement round Fraser's tummy.

The worst phrase in the english language is what if??

the other what if that haunts me is.. what if I had stood my ground with lack of movement .. what if I demanded to see a consultant would Fraser be here.

are they really still telling people 6 weeks we are on the other side of the m8 and they told us that and it was 12 weeks ... clearly hasnt got ay better in 7 years Angry

We are sending you love and strength to get through this

here's a question.. so many of us on here over the years with terrible storeis which end with .. the hospital are going to change the way things are done... and yet the stillbirth/neonatal deaths figures havent changed

makes me think they are learning nothing from their mistakes.. how can they I be ??? I know sands runs there why 17 campaign but its not enough of a noise... this should be headline news with all our what if stories told .. make them pay bloody attention Angry

sorry shall get off my soapbox now

OP posts:
Original poster
frasersmummy · 25/05/2011 10:47

hey Karen .. dont think we have met

I am sorry about your ds .. do yo want to tell us what happened . Its ok if you dont.. we will be here when you are ready

I'm sending everyone extra strength this morning cos it feels like we need it..
and in return you have to send me lemsips Wink just joking the strength comes with no strings attached

OP posts:
greenzebra · 25/05/2011 12:07

Im having a hard day too. Had to buy the urn to carry Ophelias ashes, and havnt stopped crying since!

It is fours weeks ago today that I gave birth to her, I miss her so much.

Original poster
frasersmummy · 25/05/2011 12:25

oh green.. thats not something you ever think you are ever gonna have to buy is it?? thats truly horrid

We had a burial so this is not something I realised you had to buy .. god why is it sooo hard ??

At the risk of causing more tears have you thought about what you are going to do with ophelia's ashes .. such a pretty name by the way

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 25/05/2011 16:42

kazmus (hugs)

fm so many what ifs aren't there? I also regret not going in the night before to be admitted, the car broke down on the way (on the motorway) and we had to get the car taken to the garage and then he took us home. I remember feeling her move in the car while we waited, dh felt her too. After that she quietened down but it wasn't until the next day that I was seriously worried and was going in anyway for unstable lie. I'd been in an out of the day assessment unit for months and keep wondering what if I'd gone into labour before or pushed for more :( Possible to as I was 37 weeks when it happened but never gone to 40 weeks with any, my first was 36 weeks. I don't think I'll ever stop regretting things but I also realise that we look back with 20/20 vision so I'm sure there is nothing more you could have done. No way did you do anything wrong.

I'm sure I read that we have one of the worst rates of stillbirth?

green so sorry, it's horrible isn't it. I've been looking at headstone for Scarlett's grave, it's nearly 6 months now :( We have to wait 9 months but they can take 3 months to be ordered so that's been very hard.

I'm feeling okish, still finding sleep hard to come by, was up all night and finally fell asleep about 6.30am so I've not slept that much. Coming to the end of my cycle now too was stupid enough to do a test, which of course, was negative. Sigh. Too early I think to test but my cycle lengths vary so much it's hard to even know when I ovulate let alone when I'm due so I torture myself every time with tests...

I think about Scarlett all the time, I really can't believe it's almost 6 months. I keep thinking how different things should be now and what we'd be doing. :(

greenzebra · 25/05/2011 20:19

I hear ya Cheese, it is hard to think of all the things we would be doing with our children.

frasersmummy, thank you I have always loved this name, on my first date with my now DH we saw a movie and the lead character in that movie was called Ophelia. So it seamed right that we name our first daughter this.
And she did suit it she was beautiful.
We are going to spread the ashes some where but we are not sure where. I would like to spread her everywhere, so that she is always there in everything.
I told her in the hospital when I said goodbye that she would become little atoms and meet other atoms and make something beautiful in this world.

TooImmature2BMum · 25/05/2011 20:56

That's so sweet, Zebra!

Thanks for all the support, everyone. I'm still not sure what I think - I am kind of waiting to be taken over by massive rage at the hospital and for some reason it's not happening. It's weird. I feel like I should be furious and/or in floods of tears but I'm neither. I just feel numb.

Original poster
frasersmummy · 25/05/2011 21:48

yip tooimmature.. I remember that.. you are in shock it will hit you unfortunately

and when it does we are here to help and supprt

OP posts:
peterpansmum · 25/05/2011 22:32

Evening ladies xx greenzebra we scattered gregors ashes in several places special to our family and one of them was chosen by ds1 who was 4.5 at the time. I've had a tough day today. I'm exhausted tonight. I miss my wee lad Sad group hug anyone? Xx

shabbapinkfrog · 26/05/2011 06:43

Morning girls xx

janedoe25 · 26/05/2011 07:27

Morning ladies.

tooimmature i hope the days to follow are kind on you, if not we are here for you. I know to well how the days after the PM will make you feel.

3 months ago today my Zoe bear went to sleep in my tummy, it still feels like it was yesterday Sad

ppm i will join in the group hug x

Original poster
frasersmummy · 26/05/2011 09:18

morning girls

I am loaded with cold but the kids are on holiday again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if sit here will get more and more miserable and unreasonably annoyed with Ross ..

so after my group hug to get me moving my plans are

odeon kids club
pizza hut
face painting
pancake making

If it all goes to plan and we have a great day i will be back tonight telling you all its too sad that Fraser wasnt here to join in

take care girls

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 26/05/2011 09:25

I hope you enjoy your day sweetheart - wish I wasn't so far away because Lew would enjoy everything you have planned Smile xxx

shakeyjake · 26/05/2011 13:09

hi all, i am sorry about all your losses, imy little girl grace was born sleeping on 17th march 2011 at 20 weeks and i miss her everysingle day. it seems that already friends and family have forgotten her as she is never mentioned anymore and if i am upset i always get asked why? sorry if i have intruded on your thread i just wanted to tell someone i still miss her.

kazmus · 26/05/2011 14:35

shakeyjake, that's why this thread is here. We never forget or stop talking about our dc here. Please tell us when you are feeling lost or alone and we'll try to provide the support and a listening ear. Not intruding at all, welcome, to you and dear little Grace.

TooImmature2BMum · 26/05/2011 15:51

Hi Shakeyjake, welcome!

Well, I now have one more thing to think about - the consultant called this morning and said my last blood tests showed slightly abnormal results for kidney function, so I am being referred to a renal specialist. She said "I will try to speed it up as I know you are very keen to get pregnant again". I am not worried about my kidneys, I am worried that it will mean waiting for ages before we can try again! We were going to start trying after my next period, but now we may not be able to. I bet the NHS dickdances about with the kidney referral - the consultant did say it usually takes about 6 weeks, which in my experience means at least 2 months, and that's just to get a first appointment, before they run any tests or anything. I don't want to wait that long!

janedoe25 · 26/05/2011 15:58

Hi shakey Im sorry you have found yourself on this thread, you can tell us all about Grace whenever and how much you like.

tooimature I hope the hospital are quick with the results and don't chase their tails. I also hope the results are ok. hugs to you x

lottiejenkins · 26/05/2011 17:00

lady needing our help..........

spilttheteaagain · 26/05/2011 17:04

Hi shakey I'm so sorry to hear about your precious baby Grace. My little girl Bobbie was born sleeping at 20 weeks in October. They found no heartbeat at the 20 week scan, and so I was sent in to be induced. She was so tiny and so perfect and I miss her every day. The grief is all consuming, especially in the early weeks. If you'd like to tell us about Grace, or what happened to her, we'd be honoured to hear.

Also I wanted to invite you to another thread I'm also on Late Miscarraige 20ish weeks. There's a number of us who've lost babies around 20 weeks and know the pain you'll be going through. Talking to people who've been there has helped me so much.