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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 22/05/2011 08:44

Morning girls xx

CazandBelle · 22/05/2011 09:11

Morning xx

shelley yeah EDD is 8th Nov, but have been told I'll be induced 37/38 weeks so looking at a midish October birth. Please God. What is your EDD?

shelleylou · 22/05/2011 09:20

awwwww 8th Novemeber is my DS's birthday. Looks like you may have yours at a similar time to me then or a bit earlier. They've put 28th October on my notes but used the wrong scan measurement so should be the 25th. So im going by 25th lol. So right between db's remember and funeral day i can see me having LO on 1 or the other of them. Just cant wait for my next scan so can see it and hopefully find out what it is. Also need to get clarification of dates so i get my Anti D at the right time.

janedoe25 · 22/05/2011 10:51

Morning all! caz Im loving your bump!

Hope everyone is ok

lavandes · 22/05/2011 19:41

Hi ladies xx

We went to the Crem this morning and put some flowers by Richard's plaque. We only go when we feel the need. I had a good cry and I feel better for it. I think I have bottled it up as the months have passed. But I do need to cry, I will try not to be so brave in future. I will cry. My son is dead why should I feel I must not cry? xx

kazmus · 22/05/2011 20:12

oh lavandes, I know that feeling. Why does the world want us to bottle it up just to make them feel better? I have just come back from the first holiday since Sian died. We havent had a holiday for nearly 3 years as the year before was too taken up with mums illness and then 5 months in hospital with Sian last year. I know I should have tried harder, as my poor dh needed a break, but I just felt so far from home and had to find quiet places to let the tears roll. She should have been enjoying her life, not me enjoying a holiday it felt so wrong and I couldnt let it out until now.

Original poster
frasersmummy · 22/05/2011 20:26

Dont ever try to hide your grief lavandes... do whatever your heart tells you

cry, stamp your feet, throw something soft , scream.. whatever makes you feel better even for a fleeting moment

and dont beat yourself up for it...be good to yourself

As shabs would say .. one step at a time and dont forget to breath

OP posts:
TooImmature2BMum · 22/05/2011 20:43

Hi everyone! I've been away too - just got back today and have been trying to catch up a bit. Someone mentioned nightmares - I've started having them too. The other night I dreamed I was in hospital having a second baby and the midwife looked up at me and said "it's happened again". I hate my brain!

Lavandes and Kaz, Sad I feel like that too.

My consultant appt to go over the PM results is on Tuesday afternoon. I'm a bit freaked out and trying not to think about it too hard. I just hope there's nothing to prevent me having more babies...and that it wasn't my fault Thea died...and that there was nothing that could have been done that wasn't.

spilttheteaagain · 22/05/2011 21:07

I understand your feelings about the consultant appointment, TooImmature, I felt very similar. Just wanted to say though that even if the results show there was some kind of problem in your body, it was NOT your fault in any way shape or form. You love your baby and would have done anything to have her safe and well. Sometimes nature shits on us from a great height but that does not make it your fault. I had to keep trying to tell myself this after I found out that I lost Bobbie because of a toxoplasma infection - I will have picked this up inadvertently, god knows where from. So yes, something I did meant my baby died, but I don't know what it was and I would never have knowingly done it, and I mustn't blame myself
I hope whatever they can tell you helps you, even if it takes time. Good luck x

Love your bump pictures caz. I'm 27 weeks now and I reckon I'm a similar size! It's almost embarrassing at work as I've started telling people I'm off in 3 weeks and they look intrigued and say "really, why?"... "Mat leave" Loads of people haven't noticed! Scan on Weds, hoping desperately that it's all still looking ok in there and she is growing nicely.

shabbapinkfrog · 23/05/2011 06:45

Morning girls xx

janedoe25 · 23/05/2011 07:48

tooimmature I'm thinking of you, i know it's not easy getting the results and i echo what spilt says. The one thing that gave me peace was the fact i DID NOT cause Zoe's death. I really hope you get the results you want and at least an answer. However be prepared to have more questions than before! The 2 weeks after the results were the worse 2 weeks for me, however that might be more to with the fact that Zoe could have been saved.

If you need to talk, rant or just some hand holding im here for you x

lavandes · 23/05/2011 10:27

Morning ladies xx

greenzebra · 23/05/2011 20:45

TooImmature2BMum, thinking of you also. Im sure I will have to go throught the same thing in a couple of weeks

Its been going through my head could I have done something, three days before we had Ophelia, I had terrible back ache and took some tablets like the docs had told me too. But I didnt go to the hospital even though a week before the consultant had said if I felt even a niggle to go in. I keep reliving that thinking if I had gone in could I have saved my baby?

I hope we both get the results me need.

CheeseandGherkins · 24/05/2011 01:38

Evening. Thinking of you all. Late nights again..

shabbapinkfrog · 24/05/2011 06:42

Morning girls xx

lavandes · 24/05/2011 07:13

Morning ladies xx

hazygirl · 24/05/2011 08:03

MORNING GIRLSXX

TooImmature2BMum · 24/05/2011 08:26

Morning all!

Thanks for the kind words, Spilt, Jane and Zebra. Appt at 3.30, hence why I am awake at 8 am after staying up til 2 chatting to Mum to distract myself! Zebra, I just wanted you to know that this is the 11th week for me and so it may be longer than you think before you get your appointment. The hospital (Edinburgh) told me it should be at about 6 weeks and it's been nearly double that. I wish they had given me a more truthful estimate, not kept me in tenterhooks since halfway through week 5!

lavandes · 24/05/2011 08:38

Thinking of you today tooimmature xx

CheeseandGherkins · 24/05/2011 17:07

Thinking of you TooImmature, I found the appt so hard. I couldn't take anything in really, just sat there shaking and trying not to be sick. I got a lot more from the letter they sent out afterwards. (hugs)

Green please don't blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just a horrible thing that happened, but it was not your fault and you did nothing wrong (hugs)

Afternoon all.

TooImmature2BMum · 24/05/2011 20:09

Well, it's over. Nothing very definite was found - Thea died of hypoxia, but there was no clear cause. The placenta was only operating at 80%, but that's not necessarily a cause of death, so the best guess was that her cord was constricted during contractions. I might have had very mild pre-eclampsia, but again, it might just have been dehydration, and that's not necessarily a cause of death either.

However, what she did tell us was that the triage midwife f*cked up - she should have taken a urine sample and she didn't. I had had a urine sample taken 2 days before and that had shown ++ protein (which that midwife didn't bother to tell me), and the urine sample taken after they discovered Thea's death also showed ++ protein, so it is highly probable that if the triage MW had taken a sample, it would have shown protein. At that point, she ought to have referred me to a doctor, who may well have ordered continuous monitoring, which might have saved her. The on-call consultant ordered a review to be carried out by the Risk Manager (senior midwife).

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm in a staring-blankly phase.

CheeseandGherkins · 24/05/2011 21:14

TooImmature massive hugs, well done for getting through it, it must have been so hard for you. So sorry that they didn't seem to do enough for you, one simple test :( I know with ours it was most likely a cord accident but other things were also mentioned, not knowing exactly what for sure is difficult to deal with. Thinking of you this evening xx

spilttheteaagain · 24/05/2011 21:27

Oh god tooimmature what an awful message to have to take in. I am so sorry they missed that test that might have led to a closer eye being kept. I remember feeling totally numb after my consultant appointment. It changes nothing in some ways, but gives you a whole load more to churn around and wonder and so many more ifs and buts and whys. I remember such a huge sense of the pathetic waste of it all. Bobbie's little life destroyed by a largely innocuous miniscule parasite. It's just so senseless Sad
Hugs for you xx

KarenHL · 24/05/2011 21:36

Allan would be 5 months today. His big sis has cried herself to sleep again. I just feel like crap, like one of those cartoon ton weights is sitting on top of me - that kind of heavy, totally unmotivated feeling. DD has chickenpox and I've had another damned period (I wanted to be pg - sodding body).

too immature - I really feel for you. It's a horrible situation and I wish things could have been different.

spilttheteaagain · 24/05/2011 21:54

How old is your DD Karen? That must be so tough, dealing with her grief too. Also Sad about your period. Another kick in the teeth.

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