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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:

CheeseandGherkins · 09/05/2011 18:48

Caz really relieved for you

Shabs hope you're doing ok

Minione hope your scan goes well tomorrow. I've always found out the sex at scans, just wanted to know and I'm sure I will again if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.

Feeling quite bad today, DH told me just this morning that when he held Scarlett her head fell forward and blood came out. Quite shocked to hear. The midwife said it was normal to him and just cleaned her up. Always more to think about

shabbapinkfrog · 09/05/2011 19:08

Oh Cheese I bet that has been in your DH's memories gnawing away at his feelings. I still haven't told my DH about the sight, that met me, with Matty's accident. I cant say the exact words because.....because....they should stay in my mind. It is too late to explain - it drives me to the brink of insanity and I cant burden someone else with it.

Tick....tock....tick....tock the clock is slowly creeping to tomorrow. Oh this is pure shite, total pure shite. Yes, I will be OK and thank you all so much for your concern. Poor little lad, one persons misjudgement, one persons lack of attention and a precious life gone. I hope the man (who has never apologised to me) who killed my boy is haunted by 1pm tomorrow - hope he is haunted more than I will be - but, I very much doubt it.

travellingwilbury · 09/05/2011 19:14

Shabs if you ever want to "get it out " of your head , even for a wee while , I for one would be glad to listen . I know it is hard to have that image going round in your head and not wanting to voice it out loud .

cheese how was your head this morning ? I think all of us have certain images and things that happened that we replay over and over again . I really don't know what to say to make you feel any better , but I am listening x

janedoe25 · 09/05/2011 19:15

shabs sending you some hugs, im so terribly sorry you are feeling so upset. You have been fantastic with me, giving me advice i just wish i could do the same for you. I am thinking about you x

cheese please don't worry yourself, the same thing happened with Zoe when DP held her up against his chest. He paniced at the time thinking he had hurt her.

shabbapinkfrog · 09/05/2011 19:36

You would think that after 19 years the memories would soften really, but Mattys death was a 'violent' one, I still cant watch Casualty on telly....especially if it starts with a child riding a bike. Knowing that I can come here and just be 'me' helps me more than words can say xxx

The man who killed him had his brother in the lorry that day. His brother is on Facebook but I cant find the prat who knocked him down. I want, so much, to send his brother a private message telling him to remind his sibling what day it is tomorrow. Then the sensible part of me says 'just shut up Shabbs, of course he knows what day it is....what good would bitching on Facebook do.' Then the bad part says 'Go on and write on his wall.....you murdering bastards.' - and round and round and round goes my brain!!

travellingwilbury · 09/05/2011 19:49

I can understand that Shabs , I wanted s much to have someone I could blame , but I didn't have anyone but myself . I know it must be so hard to be so near and yet so far to the bastard .

I hate to say it but I doubt the memories will ever fade , I do think the only thing that ever helps to soften them is to talk about them . But I also know how bloody hard that is for you xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 09/05/2011 20:14

The majority of the time I only have very happy memories of my boys - I am at peace with Gareths passing - I did everything in my power, as a mummy, to keep him alive. I had to feed him every 2 hours, which I did gladly and I would often stay awake all night just 'keeping my eye on him' because he was very poorly.

But when I think of Matty - Oh Dear God - he lived a simple, happy, fun life...he didn't have a care in the world, didn't care that he was not academically bright, just loved to make people laugh and loved to chase girls and kiss them he loved 'Last of the summer wine' on telly, loved Russ Abbot (or Ross Baggott as he called him.) Loved drawing with his telt fips (yes felt tips), loved Back to the future and Ghostbusters. Loved watching Sinetta dance on Top of the Pops and used to get up to the tv and try to look up her dress ROFL!!! Here one minute and then gone....I think I am going to have to follow his words over the next few days....'Mam, we dont live vewy wong do we? I fink we have to gwab every day by the balls and shake it!!'

travellingwilbury · 09/05/2011 20:18

He does sound like he filled more in those nearly 8 years than a lot do in 80 .

It is shite isn't it ?
All you can do is to keep grabbing life by the balls in his memory .

Have you planted your sunflower seeds yet ? If not I reckon tomorrow would be a good day to do it .

Original poster

frasersmummy · 09/05/2011 20:20

death leaves a heartache no-one can heal
love leaves a memory no-one can steal

OP posts:

shabbapinkfrog · 09/05/2011 20:22

I planted them the day I got them. My forget-me-nots are still flowering and they have somehow planted themselves into the cracks between the pavements in my front garden - they look beautiful. xxx

Minione · 09/05/2011 20:23

Oh Shabs, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and your wonderful Matty. He sounds a fantastic little boy and you have every right to feel that way towards the man who killed him. Take care and sending you a big hug xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 09/05/2011 20:27

Thank you xxx

peterpansmum · 09/05/2011 20:50

shabs i just want to hold u tonight as u have held me all these many months since we met here... Instead i hold you and your precious matt in my heart and will go out tomorrow and 'shake life by the balls' hugs xxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 09/05/2011 20:57

I love the thought of you 'shaking life by the balls' - I just nearly spit my coffee over the keyboard

peterpansmum · 09/05/2011 21:22

lottiejenkins · 09/05/2011 21:53

Ive just read about poor Kelly Brook miscarrying her little girl...........

gerardway · 09/05/2011 22:17

We lost our DS1 19 years ago. He was 4 days old and in SCBU until he died.

CheeseandGherkins · 10/05/2011 01:42

shabba I thik it has been. I asked him why he'd waited so long to tell me too as it's something I didn't see with her, he didn't want to put me off holding her. I couldn't though. He's really struggling now, more than me I think and I'm trying to help him but he needs to talk. He was given counsellor nu,bers but couldn't call them and explain it all. Not at least. What you said about being yourself touched me as I was thinking exactly that earlier, only place to actually say how it is, really. ANd facebook, I don't think I could resist. I want to hug you, so much, I feel so awful right now but I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. You are an amazing woman. Yes you are. What you've been dealt, it doesn't make sense. My candle is lit. Love to you and thinking of you and your boys now xxxxx

And Shab I am so sorry, your darling boy, I am going to light a candle now. It is lit. I feel like utter shit, so I know you must feel worse, I feel that. Thinking of you lots tonight, candle burning.

Drinking too much again

tw head bad. I've had such a bad couple of weeks, and I thought it was getting better, how wrong was I... just wish none of us were here, living through all the pain

jane that's good to hear, you know, not good but reassuring. How are you doing?

CheeseandGherkins · 10/05/2011 01:47

shabba boys, i'm sorry to have messed up with that there. I know you lost 2 boys. Edit function would be good... xxxxx

hazygirl · 10/05/2011 06:28

shab ,thinking of you today, candlelit here in yorkshire ,look after yourself, big hugsxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 10/05/2011 06:47

Morning girls xx Its quiet in our house - the sun is shining. Thinking about you my darling lad. Hope you are causing absolute havoc in Heaven but wishing you were here causing the same. I miss you but will try to grab today by the balls and shake it good and hard.

On the hymn sheet, that your school printed off for us, from your 'goodbye' day it says.....SERVICE OF THANKSGIVING FOR MATT. I will try today to give thanks that you were here for almost 8 years. Love you, you crazy kid xxx

Hope you all get 'telt fips' today and draw rude pictures of boobs and willies like he drew on his bedroom wall....yes Matt we found them

peterpansmum · 10/05/2011 06:56

I never had the privilege to meet you Matty but you and your lovely mummy have taught me a good few things about life. Thinking of you Shabs and Matt today ... Will do as a said and give life a good shake in mattys honour... Hugs for you my lovely, caring friend xxxxx

spilttheteaagain · 10/05/2011 07:01

Thinking of you today shabs and your lovely little boy who sounds like he shared such an amazing 8 years of laughs and memories with you xx

shabbapinkfrog · 10/05/2011 07:03

Thank you everybody. As always, the dreads and fears of this day have now lifted.....just have to plod on through the day. Having Lew here will help - never a dull moment when he is around xx

travellingwilbury · 10/05/2011 07:04

Shabs you and Matty are in my thoughts today , I love hearing about his mad stories , him and Lewis would have caused mayhem together x

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