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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 05/05/2011 21:33

Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn - but I would always prefer an explanation - I dont know how you ladies cope with PM that says there was no reason. Apologies to anyone I have offended - I am just that kind of person who needs to 'know.' xxx

CheeseandGherkins · 06/05/2011 01:21

Jane I'm so sorry to hear that, please don't feel bad about that in any way though, projecting about how I felt. I got some answers from Scarlett's pm, well, some. The letter they sent after the appt was more of a shock. Copied this from my thread in case it might help/prepare you

"In summary, this was a 37 week non-dysmorphicmacerated female infant with foot length consistent with 39 weeks gestation. There were no significant structure abnormailities identified at post-mortem apart from the brain showing the appearance of a severe irreversible hypoxic brain injury. The changes were acute and there was no evidence of infection. The brain was normally formed. This severe irreversible brain damage was caused by oxygen deprivation which occured a few hours before death. The baby weighed 3 kg. The cord was descreibed as a hypocoiled umbilical cord. There was evidence of extensive thrombosis within the placenta. This may has represented a feto-maternal haemorrhage which would be a cause of hypoxia. Alternatively, this could be associated with maternal thrombophillia and therfore a thrombophillia screen will be organised. The villi also appeared to be immature, and taken together with the birth weight and organomegaly, the possiblity of gestational diabetes must be considered.

In view of these findings and low protein s reslut, I will organise a thrombopillia screen three months after the delivery which will be around the first few weeks of March. I discussed with the coupld that the reason for the stillbirth was more likely to be the entanglement of the cord around the baby. I was present at the birth, and the cord was tightly wound round the neck three times, around both wrists and the body was also tightly twisted in the cord. The likely explanation for the stillbirth was due to the instability of the baby's lie and unfortunately because of the baby's movements there was a cord accided of entanglement resulting in stillbirth".

Been having bad days and nights, I can't sleep much again, why do we have to suffer? :(

shabbapinkfrog · 06/05/2011 06:27

Morning girls xx

lavandes · 06/05/2011 07:29

Morning ladies xx

Jane I am so sorry. Sending love to you and your husband today. Look after eachother xx

janedoe25 · 06/05/2011 07:34

Morning girls,

Oh cheese i cant believe they sent you that letter without prior warning at least! Sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it, im here holding yoour hand.

tooimmature im here holding your hand for the 24th, the days will fly by.
shabba I dont think you are speaking out of turn at all, everyone has their opinions. On one hand i ws desperate to find out a reason and on the other i was terrified of finding something wrong.

Im still in shock here over the results, i haven't slept a wink. Im mostly shocked at learning that Zoe was still alive as we were told they picked up my heart beat not Zoe's and that she passed away in the 30 mins it took for me to get taken up to the labour ward. I have more questions now than i had before.

shabbapinkfrog · 06/05/2011 08:20

Oh yes I know that feeling - 'more questions than I had before.' xx

Original poster
frasersmummy · 06/05/2011 14:39

oh my god jane ...do you want to get a hold of the person who said it was your heartbeat and strangle them. Its (excuse my potty mouth) fucking atrocious that they say they could have saved your dd and they didnt

Different circumstances but if the midwife doing our scan had done her job properly Fraser would be here too.

I still feel its her fault our son is missing ... sending you hugs

OP posts:
lavandes · 06/05/2011 22:45

wishing everyone a more peaceful night than last night xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 07/05/2011 07:56

Morning girls xx

lavandes · 07/05/2011 13:18

Good afternoon ladies xx

greenzebra · 07/05/2011 14:32

On the 27th April this year, I gave birth to my little Ophelia, she was 5lb 6oz and she was asleep. We had been told soon after we arrived at the hospital, I was 36 weeks +2 days and I was in labour. I hadnt felt the baby move really the whole way through the pregnancy so I hadnt noticed any change but as soon as they couldnt find a heart beat and then they brought in the ultrasound, it was all over. That was 11.30pm and she was born at 2.57am it was a very quick labour. I had asked for as much pain relief as they could give me and because they already knew she was dead I could have as much as I wanted. But it never got round to that, it all happened so quickly, I was completly out of it on gas and air. If it wasnt for my amazing DH I dont think I would have got through it.
We kept her with us for the day, giving her a much love and cuddles as we would have given her if she had been alive. She was the perfect mix of me and DH, his golden hair, my lips, his nose, my ears, the only thing we couldnt see were her eyes.
She was beautiful! I miss her with every fibre of my being, I feel lost and useless, I desperatly want kids and want to be pregnant right now. But I know its way to soon, and I dont want to tarnish her memory. I feel very vunerable with out my husband, cant go anywhere with out him. I think though I have found out how strong of a couple we are, we will get through this and have lots of beautiful children, but its so hard to think I will have to go through another pregnancy and have the worry that it will happen again.

Minione · 07/05/2011 16:31

Hi GreenZebra I'm so sorry you have had to find yourself here and thank you for telling us about your beautiful daughter. My son was stillborn almost a year ago, he was my first baby. It had been a difficult pregnancy and we discovered MAlachy's heart had stopped beating when I was 30weeks. Like you I found it hard to be without my Dh and he was a real rock and proved how strong our relationship is. DO you have other family close by?

There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better but over time things will get easier. I know at the momnent it doesn't feel like that, but make sure you are looking after yourself and sleeping, eating well. Please chat to us, the ladies here are fantastic and have really supported me in my darkest days. Sending you lots of love and strength xx

shabbapinkfrog · 07/05/2011 17:16

So sorry to hear about your precious little girl. As I always say 'sorry we had to meet on this thread, but very glad that you found us.'

I lost one of my twin sons (aged 7 months) in 1982 he had severe heart problems that, at that time, could not be fixed. In 1992 my DS3 was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry - he was a few weeks from being 8 years old.

This is a special thread - we all support each other and share our experiences and our struggles. I am proud to be a part of it xxx

janedoe25 · 07/05/2011 17:17

greenzebra I am so sorry to hear of your little Ophelia. My Daughter Zoe was also born asleep almost 10 weeks ago. I can tell by reading your post how much you love your beautiful baby daughter. I totally understand your feelings and vulnerability, but things will get easier.

Please look after yourself and we are all here if you need to talk xxx

lavandes · 07/05/2011 17:55

I am so sorry you have lost your baby girl ophelia Life is so cruel. You will find support from the mums here who will listen and not judge. Take care xx

lavandes · 07/05/2011 22:51

There is a candle lit in Cornwall for my dear friend Shabs and her precious cheeky boy Matt this weekend. You have been such a special friend to me over the past year, and I know to all the other Mums on these threads, your wisdom has been such a help to us all. But this weekend we know it is the anniversary of your beloved Matt's passing. If I could take just one day of your pain I would do it. Sending lots of love to you and your family xxx

TooImmature2BMum · 07/05/2011 22:54

Greenzebra hi. My daughter Thea also died during labour (at 41+2) almost exactly 8 weeks ago. I know too well the longing to be pregnant again at once, but I am forcing myself to wait, if only until we get the results from her postmortem. They couldn't give us any reason at the time for her death and like you say, I am petrified of it happening again, and I resent so much having to go through pregnancy again with, perhaps, nothing to show for it.

We'll be here when you need to talk - don't worry if you can't deal with posting regularly at first.

lavandes · 07/05/2011 23:23

greenzebra I am so sorry I posted your name incorrectly. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. This is such a sad path we must tread. You are in the early days. Be kind to yourself and take any support you are offered. xxx

lavandes · 07/05/2011 23:28

too immature You are in the very early days. Everything seems so unreal, try to take one day at a time.. I am one year on from the death of my beloved son and even now sometimes it seems so unreal. xx

Minione · 07/05/2011 23:42

Shabs, just want to echo Lavandes words, thinking of you and your darling Matt. You are an amazing woman and have been so kind towards me xx

A candle is lit here in Warwickshire x

lavandes · 07/05/2011 23:44

How are you if that is not a stupid question mini xx

hazygirl · 08/05/2011 06:05

shabs thinking of you , and Matt,big hugs,look after yourself,big hugsxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 08/05/2011 09:55

Morning girls xx

I have a horrendous hangover!!! Its all my best friend, Chelle's fault!!

peterpansmum · 08/05/2011 11:23

LOL Shabs - thank heavens for best friends like Chelle I say!! Hope you are as ok as you can be, you have been in my thoughts xx

Hello Greenzebra, so sorry to hear about your little Ophelia, my wee lad Gregor was 2 when he died and although my experience is very different to yours I have learned through the others here that there are many common feelings within loss and grief xx

I have been reading our thread but finding it hard to write anything here as many of you are going through what is my worst fear and yet my deepest desire... to be pregnant again...

Today I am however having a really tough day/weekend... no idea what the trigger was but I am hoping to ride the wave and bounce back soon as i have no choice. However today i have space to wallow... so I will. xx

janedoe25 · 08/05/2011 11:26

Shabs i too am thinking of you and your precious Matt. I hope the days have been gentle on you.