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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:
CazandBelle · 03/05/2011 11:32

Hey everyone.

Been having loads of horrible dreams, some random and a little bit funny, but the others are just really unsettling. Always baby boys though so wondering if it is a sign, especially as I only dreamt girls in the early days with Belle.

But on the other hand I'm wondering if I'm so fixated on boys to protect myself a bit. At the moment I feel this real need to be looking at baby things because there is a baby, but it hurts to much to look at pink stuff. I cannot bring myself to do it so I'm being drawn towards the blue. Who knows? I just cannot wait to find out who this baby is either way. DH and I decided their name over the weekend - really special moment, we just know they are this baby's name, just desperate to know if it is the blue or the pink name now.

Last nights dream particularly horrible, and I know why, its fear, but unsettling all the same.

last night there was no DH around, just me and baby (who happened to be a boy, again) only I'd completely lost the plot and gone loopy and wasn't fit to look after him. Our friends S+T (in real life they have 5 sons!) had somehow managed to get custody of him and he was being taken away from me. I was screaming at them that she couldn't be his Mummy because I was and that he had to stay with me. I was holding him really tightly and wouldn't let him go. Horrible.

No wonder I'm so tired!

shabbapinkfrog · 03/05/2011 11:49

Oh Caz I dreamt like that all through my pregnancies. Mine always involved vampires (am terrified of them!) and always, always, always I had allowed people to really physically hurt Danny....then they always blamed me and he was taken away from me. I do know that our dreams are our night thoughts...anything that has happened during the day will act out at night time while we are asleep. I think weird dreams are very common in pregnancy but when you have experienced what we all have on this thread - well, its no wonder they seem horrific. I think everything you said in your post is normal...normal when you are walking this crappy path that we all find ourselves on. Take care sweetheart xx

Original poster
frasersmummy · 03/05/2011 14:43

jane.. just a heads up... our consultant went to answer the phone as he was on call . He was sorry and did we want to look at the report while he checked if it was urgent.. with a caveat they dont make nice reading.

He was right I was well shocked and upset. Nothiing prepares you for the details I wish I hadnt. I just thought you should know- that way if they offer you the report you can make an informed choice whether to read it or just have them tell you what the outcome was

I took the staff chocolates, I found out later they gave a few to ever mum who gave birth that night ... I thought that was really sweet!

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travellingwilbury · 03/05/2011 14:51

Jane I would like to echo what fm said . My GP came to the house after she had read the details and just gave me a summary . I decided not to read it myself and I haven't regretted that . We will be with you xx

Caz Dreams are such hard work sometimes , I had some awful ones , and they are so tiring . Also the boy/girl thing , I fixated a bit on having a girl when I was pregnant after Harry . I just thought it would be so much easier to not have a wee boy around again and I would find it too difficult . I can honestly say it made no difference what so ever . I was just as scared / happy / loopy when J was born as I would have been if he had been a she . Be kind to yourself , I hope you are getting plenty of rest in the day x

shabbapinkfrog · 03/05/2011 15:05

Matts PM results were read out at the inquest. We were given the chance to leave the room if we wanted to. Myself, DH and my parents all looked at each other and decided to stay. The first line the police coroner read out was 'I was carrying out a PM on the body of a well nourished and very well cared for little boy..........' I couldn't tell you one word after that. I cried with sadness and happiness when he said the opening words.

Minione · 03/05/2011 16:00

Hi Ladies, hope you are all ok. I'm finding things really difficulta at the moment. I've been feeling some movement but nothing regular as such and am getting fixated avbout not feeling enough. Today I've hardly felt anything (I'm 19 weeks so its not regular or anything) and I'm worrying something's wrong. DH has gone back to work and I'm too scared to go to the midwife or doctor alone, plus I've only met them once before. I feel like a nervous wreck, and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose this baby.

Just need a bit of a handhold

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 03/05/2011 16:12
Minione · 03/05/2011 16:19

Thanks Ilike, I just feel such a state, I've got my scan next Tuesday and it can't come quick enough.

Glad to hear you and baby Ike are well, I'm not going to feel reassured until I actually have this baby in my arms, am I?

Heliantha · 03/05/2011 16:19

Here's my hand, Mini

lavandes · 03/05/2011 16:32

I think we need a group hug for mini and caz xxx(((((((((()))))))))))

travellingwilbury · 03/05/2011 16:41

Another hand to hold here mini ,I know we can't really say anything to reassure you but we are all walking beside you xx

I used to drink fizzy pop sometimes just so I would feel the baby move ,seemed to give it a bit of a kick start Blush

shabbapinkfrog · 03/05/2011 16:49

Just keep posting - keep writing down how you feel - remember you will never, ever be judged here - no matter how crazy you think your thoughts are xx

Minione · 03/05/2011 16:56

I've tried that, too! Thanks everyone, I'm trying to be level headed and rational but its not really happening!

Caz - I've been having the dream thing too, I had one the other night where I was at a funeral for a baby. I'm also fixated on girls this time, somehow it makes it easier. Dh's little niece asked me if we had chosen a name, DH and I haven't even discussed names. I think DH is too scared to talk about the baby too much as he is just as terrified as me that something is going to 'go wrong'. Aaghh, roll on the 26th September!

Minione · 03/05/2011 17:04

Thanks Shab, I do feel a little crazy! I think the closer we get to Malachy's remember day the worse I feel. I also thought as I progressed throught the pregnancy the easier it would be. Wrong!

travellingwilbury · 03/05/2011 17:05

mini I do understand you not wanting to see a mw without your dh but maybe a wee phone call would help ? It is so hard to try and trust again and have hope in your life again . I wish I could help you ,I am sure you will feel better once the scan has happened (until the next panic anyway)

spilttheteaagain · 03/05/2011 17:09

Oh mini, I felt very much like that at 19 weeks and thereabouts. When was your last scan? I had one at 16 weeks that showed my placenta was anterior, so at least I knew that it was likely I would feel less movements and possibly not until later. Not that it entirely helped the panicking! I had one awful awful day at about 21 weeks when I barely felt her move and I was stuck at work alone and utterly convinced she was dead and kept dissolving into tears. By the time I got home I was hysterical, despite getting kicked. DH and I had two long dopplering sessions that evening. Just so so hard.

Do you have/have you considered getting a doppler? Usual caveats aside about not relying on them as a way of saying all is fine, they at least show you that the worst has not happened. I use mine every day before I go to work now, just so I can start the day knowing she's alive and then keep an eye on movements as the day goes on. It makes me a huge amount calmer to know we've got through the night each time. I suppose it helps me so much because Bobbie died with no sign whatsoever and I have no idea if it was days or weeks that I carried her not knowing she had died. I just recoil in horror at the thought of that again.

Wishing you strength xx

Minione · 03/05/2011 17:42

Hi Spilt, I've not had a scan since 12 and a half weeks. With hindsight, I'm a bit pissed off about his as I feel like I've been left to it. I saw the midwife when I was 16/17 weeks and she used a doppler, it took a while to find it but she did and it was strong. I'm assuming that means my placenta is anterior? WE do have a doppler, Dh bought it the day I had no movement with Malachy and trhe stupid doctor told me that he could hear a heartbeat (it was mine). We hid it away somewhere when we found out Malchy had died and we've since moved house.

I can't face seeing a midwife on my own, TW, I just can't. I've felt some slight stirrings and jolts so hoping all is ok.

I am officially, losing the plot!

travellingwilbury · 03/05/2011 18:12

You are not losing the plot mini , it is completely normal to be like this . I do think a lot of it is not allowing ourselves to hope again . It is just so scary .

Maybe get dh to have a rummage around for the doppler ? I wouldn't know what the hell I was doing with it so I don't know how easy they are to use .

I am so sorry you are struggling so much but it is completely understandable xx

Original poster
frasersmummy · 03/05/2011 21:26

mini can you feel all these hands (inc mine) holding you up??

I remember being exactly the same..

I am gonna disagree with TW (sorry TW) about finding and using a doppler.. they arent that easy to use and if you cant find a hearbeat then either baby is just hiding and you will panic yourself for no reason or the worst will have happened already and having the doppler wont help

Sorry I know that sounds horrid.. I couldnt find a better way to say that

I am just trying to say the doppler might cause you more stress rather than less.. I hope you get what I mean

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CazandBelle · 03/05/2011 22:14

Tonight it has dawned on me that this should've been my last day of maternity leave. Tomorrow should be my first day back in work. Instead I've been back for 6 months, and my baby dead for over 10.

Finding everything a struggle at the moment. I hate that its May, because it means next month is the month. May is nearly a year, June is a year.

mini lots of love to you too. Its so scary isn't it. Xxx We've actually chosen names, I just cannot wait to find out who our baby is, I'm getting a bit obsessed needing him/her to have their identity at the moment.

woollyjo · 03/05/2011 22:20

Minione - hi I'm a lurker here so you may not have heard of me before. DD2 was stillborn at term almost 2 years ago, fortunately we are now preparing to celebrate DD3's first birthday.

I completely understand your anxiety, I found the stage you are at the hardest when movement was not easy to feel some days and distinct on others.

I would second FM regarding dopplers, I discussed it with my lovely midwife who advised against it and recommended if I was worried to call into the maternity unit where I could be properly checked and supported. She was right and I think in my second trimester I went in about 3 or 4 times, I was reassured (until my anxiety kicked in again) and properly checked out and never made to feel that I was worrying for no reason.

Take care of yourself, and let others take care of you toox

Minione · 03/05/2011 22:36

Ladies, thank you so much for all your support tonight. This is the only place where I feel people completely understand. I feel a lot better and less anxious. Thank you x

Caz - I would probably be going back tomorrow as well Sad. Its not fair is it? I should be finishing mat leave not having been back at work since September. We've got a tough month or two ahead of us both, I can't believe we lost Malachy almost 11 months ago.

Woollyjo - Hi, I think we have spoken when I first lost Malachy and when I had my miscarriage in NOvember. Thanks for your kind words, We've decided against the doppler at the moment, not sure how reliable it is and think I will stress myself out even more.

shabbapinkfrog · 04/05/2011 06:40

Morning girls xx

deemented · 04/05/2011 06:43

Morning folks.

Tinking of you all and sending much love x

peterpansmum · 04/05/2011 06:45

Morning xx