Flying high enjoying their wings, Remembering our precious much loved children...

[CazandBelle]

For my beautiful Anabelle Violet. Born an angel.

Mummy and Daddy miss and love you so much. Always. xxx

Oh Shab - I'm sure it is only natural that stories like that make you wobble. Its to close isn't it. xxx

I'm sat here trying to figure out how to stretch our money this week until pay day Friday. We really haven't got the hang of this maternity wage business.

Oh shabs > I'm not going to go near tht thread i saw some of the aftermath of a 3 vehicle crash while i was on the bus on friday and nearly cried on the bus luckily the person i was with understood.

Caz im sure you will work something out

Hello ladies

Just had a brief read through the thread, sorry to see you're feeling low Shabs. I hope today is a better day for you.

Anyway I just wanted to quickly pop in and let you all know that I've had my baby Xavier arrived last Wednesday, 5.21am weighing 6lbs 11oz. We're all home and happy, and the peaditricians were happy that he hasnt got any of the stomach problems Archie had. We'll be seen by CMW for 6 weeks, and then HV's for 6 months(!) and also attend our Pead's hospital clinic regularly, so we're getting lots of support.

I'm so happy he's here safely, but also terrified but thats natural I guess. I am also struggling with the guilt, that people will assume that we've just "replaced" Archie, but I'm sure he doesnt think that, wherever he is.

Anyway I just wanted to let you all know, and again say a huge thanks to you all for the support and kindness you offered me.

Lots of love

xx

Congratulations Abi. Welcome to the world Xavier. Glad to hear your getting lots of support and extra check upss. Wishing you lots of happiness xx

Welcome to the world little man.

WOW where did that time go?

Try not to worry sweetheart. xxx

Congratulations Abi, I'm so happy for you x

Hope everyone is ok x

Morning girls xx

Morning x

Morning all x

Congratulations Abi, I don't think we've spoken but lovely news about little Xavier. So sorry for your loss of Archie, I don't know the details but certainly would never think you'd replaced him, and know you will always miss him and feel the loss regardless of new arrivals. I hope you're able to really enjoy your lovely new little one. Take care x

I'm off work again today after a nightmare day yesterday. I feel so useless and guilty and generally crap about not being able to work. Wish I had no job and then I could wallow here for as long as it takes without fretting about work guilt as well.

I was in pain all evening on Monday and Tuesday because I had been so physically tense all day at work I had given myself a stomach ache and hurt the muscles in my back. The effort of gritting my teeth and holding back tears all day had left me with an aching neck and jaw and puffy stinging eyes.

I don't know what to do. I feel so vulnerable and just engulfed in such a terrible blackness and have no idea how to get out, or even if I want to. DH phoned the bereavement MW last night and left a message asking her to get in touch. I badly need some counselling or something and the promised details from the GP never materialised.

shabs so sorry you've been so upset by the thread. It is so painful when you come across something that just hits too close to the mark and brings back awful vivid memories and makes you relive your loss again. ((hugs))

Conngratulations Abi just aw that sorry. Xavier is a lovely name.

Spilt i hope today goes better fr you x

Split - I really feel for you and I hope today gets better. Have you spoken to your HR manager (if you have one). Mine gets a lot of criticism at work but she has been really good to me over the past 12 months and very supportive. I received a card ffom her today asking if there is anything she can do. When I told her that I would have to wait another twelve weeks to hear from te counselling service she recommended speaking to our work/county HR and seeing if I could get an earlier appointment.

I don't feel that everyone in my school was so supportive but she certainly has been, both with my first miscarriage and Malachy and this time around.

Thanks shelley and mini, it's been an easier day. My sister came over to babysit me whilst DH was at work. We had a good chat and a cry and then went over to the cemetery to visit Bobbie.

mini my manager has been brilliant actually and is putting no pressure on me at all, I just feel so guilty and like I am taking advantage of their good nature. There is a work counsellor too so I might try and see her as well since I'm struggling to get anything from the GP. The bereavement MW phoned back and is coming next week which should be helpful.

We have the consultant appointment tomorrow to go over all the test results from the birth and see if there is any reason why Bobbie died.

Hope you are all ok xx

How are you feeling mini? I've been thinking about you, you've had such a tough year.

Spilt - I hope tomorrow goes ok and you get some answers. I'm ok, well as ok as I can be. Its been a shit year and I want it over. I don't know whether to ask the GP for some kind of testing, its obvious i have no problems getting pregnant but what if I can't carry a baby full term? I've always wanted children. I went to university and wanted a career and did my damndest not to get pregnant but I knew I wanted children at some point. The thought of never having them is killing me, the life i imagined might never happen. I guess what I'm typing probably tells me that I'm not ok, I'm coping.

Spilt have found the answer to my question here. Good luck tomorrow, I really do hope you'll get some answers. I'd advise taking the counselling from work, GP's tend to have a lengthy waiting list for counsellors in my experience.

mini it can't hurt asking your gp for some kind of testing. You need some answers to get you from the coping stage to the ok stage.

Good lck all you lovely ladies. Strength in numbers (or Mnetters) is a great thing xx

It's going to be a miserable Christmas for so many of us
I am ever hopeful that 2011 will be better and not bring any more grief, but who knows?

mini yes I too have always had babies in my plan. I've never been a career-y person and just have a bog standard job that doesn't go anywhere. The emptiness instead of the family I thought I was starting is just awful. It feels like after all the hope and anticipation (and sickness!) of pregnancy that there is nothing left. It's all over. And to most people it's as if it never happened.
I think I understand what you're talking about and I wish I could promise you you will have children, like I wish I could promise it to myself, but we can't know.

Keep walking, just one step at a time. You will survive this, you are a strong and amazing woman xx

The only way I made it through my early grief was by constantly thinking...ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND DONT FORGET TO BREATHE. Please believe me when I say I had to chant that in my head every day. I would wander around shops and smile at people who said hello....all I wanted to do was scream and run in the opposite direction.

I promise each and every one of you that it does 'get easier' and (the worst saying in the world that is the most true) time does heal.

We need to all keep posting and stick together at all times. We can do this my friends....it is just another day. xxx

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Morning ladies,

split thinking of you today. And as for work take small gentle steps.

It feels like I've never been away from work now, this is the last week of my phased return.

Morning ladies x

Morning everyone , sorry I am a bit absent atm . Still freaking out about my db . He text this morning to say he is meeting the surgeon today and it could be as early as next week .

Anyone want to lay bets on it being on Thurs ? (Harrys anniversary)

Awww TW. I couldn't find the threead about your DB so not entirely ure what is going on BUT i hope you know that you and your DB truely have all of my thoughts and good vibes for his quick and full recovery.

Hi everyone,

We've seen the consultant now, he was really nice.

The news is that Bobbie was a little girl.

There was nothing wrong with her, chromosones all normal and fine, no genetic issues. The placenta was normal and consistent with 19-20 weeks, no clots or weird structure or anything. I have no blood clotting issues either.

My thyroid is slightly underactive, still waiting for results on the anti-thyroid antibody test tomorrow to sort out what to do about that.

The bad news is they detected a strong toxoplasma infection and in the absence of any other detected problems, they think that was probably the cause of the loss.

The consultant is phoning the UK toxoplasma specialist to get advice for us on what to do the next time to avoid repeat infection, and to whether I should have repeat blood tests for this before ttc.

We now have to do a load of research really to decide what we do with our 2 cats

And we have been strongly recommended to wait 6 months from the birth before ttc, so 4 months from now. This is to let the infection go away and let me develop the antibodies that will hopefully protect our next baby.

It's going to be a long 4 months.... the hope and thought of trying again was the only thing keeping me going.

Hope you are all surviving x

split I'm so sorry to hear about the infection. I'm glad they are going to talk to the specialist and give you advice. I know another 4 months seems a long way away at the moment, but as someone who is fast approaching that 6 month milestone - it will be hear before you know it. I can't believe Belle would've been 5 months old on last Sunday has she been with us.

Keep hoping, and keep that 6th month date in your mind to look towards. Maybe set little goals inbetween now and then to achieve and make it seem like its coming quicker. (I'm only saying this as realised now we've started to ttc again, I need to set myself little goals to stop myself going insane!)

I was also tested for toxoplasma (negative), but the midwife who told me was cats are only a risk with old poo (and she meant months old)... are they outdoor cats, could they be treading really old poo in on paws? I was told because mine is an indoor cat and her litter tray is changed regularly we would be unlikely to catch anything from her. I think there is a risk from dirt too so to make sure all fruit and veg was washed thoroughly.

TW hugs for you

I'm shattered tonight. Two full days in a row now. Only a half tomorrow though.

Spilt - sorry to hear about the infection but glad to hear that they are going to do further tests for this. I was tested for this when Malachy died but it came back negative. I was told that if you have always had cats you are likely to be immune to it, however it is on my list of worries as to why I miscarried again.

Bobbie was a little girl - it must be nice to finally know. I know its a long wait for you, i second what Caz said. Come here and rant if you need to.

Caz - How's work? Are yo back full time next week. I was finally starting to feel back in the swing of things at work, probably be back to square one again.

TW - Big hugs and thinking of your brother.