Beyond the distant star, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, If only for a while, to know you're there.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Our thread to honour and remember our precious children who sadly are not 'physically' here xxxxx

Morning xx

Caz I hope you managed to get back to sleep .

Mini Have you seen your midwife yet ? Give them a ring and get them to nag the hospital on your behalf .

Shabs How did the rest of Toms date go ?

Does anyone else find early mornings hard? I think it is a mixture of lying in bed without any distraction and lower blood sugar. But I'm finding them hard and i get upset abiut the girls particularly as currently I don't have the immediate "up and out" for work. I am getting up as dh leaves and forcing down some cereal but I seem to still end up blubbing into it.

I am sorry I only join your thread at this time of year.

Today is DS2 31st Birthday, I divorced his father many years ago, and Mom, died 19 years ago, so I am the only one that will remember, just wanted to put it somewhere.

DD would have been 19 on December 12 as well.

Grave - thinking about you today. Keep posting or just lurking if that is easier. My boys who died are no longer boys - one of them is 29 after Christmas and the other is 27 next June. The longing to see them again for just 5 minutes becomes overwhelming at this time of year in the run up to Noel I am refusing to say the 'C' word so am substituting it with Noel xx

Axis I know what you mean about the mornings. There's just a sense (for me) of "Oh great, another pointless day". I have to admit I am doing my best to deal with them by staying asleep .

I find late a night very difficult as well, DH lies next to me snoring away and I lie there unable to sleep (due to sleeping all morning...) and thinking about my baby. I talk to Bobbie every night, just like when I was pregnant. Does anyone else do this or am I going to send myself insane?

spilttheteaagain I talk to my girls too. I try and tell them I love them and miss them and that I am proud of how they fought to stay with us. I tell them how sorry and how wretched I feel that I couldn't save them (even though logically I know there was nothing more we could do). If you're going mad then I am too. I also talk to my grandfather who died when I was younger and ask him to take care of the girls for me.

I used to find late nights difficult but I'm trying to tire myself out during the days and not oversleep so it is a little easier to go to sleep. It is working a little.

3 weeks ago now we were just going into that scan slightly nervous, but mainly excited and looking forward to seeing our baby again

And then in all of 30 seconds our world was destroyed.

For what its worth I talk out loud to my sons all day and I am 28 and 18 years down this crappy path....if that is insane then YES I am barking mad!!

Thanks shabbs and Axis, I'm glad it's not just me! Also glad that it's "ok" to continue talking to them for years to come, if that makes sense. I know I don't need permission or anything, but I wouldn't like to think I had to stop as part of the "moving on" thing that everyone seems to think I should be doing.

One person even told me I had to "put it behind me and move on" 4 days after Bobbie was born, and 6 days before (before !!!) we had had the burial.
How I didn't explode or cry I don't know.

hmmm not sure why my italics didn't work there

Some people just don't get it. If you want to be sympathetic to them, maybe try and view it that as they are fortunate never to have experienced anything as horrific as you have, and that in their own way they are trying to help.

Alternatively they may just be a jerk.

But really, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it really doesn't. You need to do what is right for you. And "putting it behind you" isn't going to be that.

I know it was said kindly and meant as a way of helping us think about the future, but it really was a terrible thing to say, and being a sensitive soul I felt saying nothing rather than making them feel awful by pointing it out was best at the time.

Having been on this side of the fence now I do shudder to think of the times I have probably misjudged my comments (or lack of them) to bereaved folk. Hopefully I will handle it better now that I know something of how it feels.

I think telling us to move on is the worst thing that can be said. How the hell do you move on from something so traumatic after such a short time. My son only died 6 months ago and my SIL said she thought I should be moving on by now when I am sure that she would jump out of a window if it happened to her!!!!

lavandes this is why I am so grateful to have found you lovely lot. It's wonderful to be able to just say stuff and not get stupid remarks back. Sorry your SIL put her foot in it. Hope she realised afterwards and won't do it again.

spilt you don't need to be grateful we all support eachother. We can say what we like and know that we won't be judged because afterall we are all in the same boat. I don't think people realise how insensitive they are being when they say some things to us, but all of us on this thread understand.xx

I have people tellng me i should move on after a year. I'm not ready to dont want to feel like i will ever forget my db, the memories or the pain and heartache his death caused.
I'm going to share something here that will confirm to you all that i am indeed a loon (proud of it too) As some of you know DH and I are TTC. I had a dream last night in which my DB appeared. He gave me one of his huge bear hugs and told me to look out for everyone and tell them he loves them and is always around. I went to ask him about the accident but he quitened me and told me he didnt have long. He gave me another hug and told me there was something he wanted me to do for him, i asked what and he put his hand on ym stomach and told me to look after his niece.

shelly fingers and toes crossed here xx

Hi ladies

Went for counselling today, it was okay, just nice to talk and offload really. I am on a a waiting list to see her again which I think I will.

TW - I am seeing my midwife on TUesday so will speak to her about the scan and see if she can move it forward.

People who tell you to move on have no idea. I guess I look like I have moved on and if people knew I was pregnant they would probably think that even more. I haven't but it just gets easier to live with. There are still nights when I can't sleep, when I am teaching and think I'm not supposed to be here and when I cry just because Malachy never lived.

Shelley - I hope this is a sign. What a wonderful dream x

And you are not a loon!

Having a few thoughts about 'moving on' what is it supposed to mean is it :-

Forget about the person who has died.

Get on with your life without them.

Don't mention it cos it upsets everyone else and makes them uncomfortable.

Try to come to terms with the reality that you will never see them again, never speak to them, no more phone calls or texts.

Buggered if I know!!!

Thanks. I hope its a sign too it was a wonderful dream i woke up with happy tears.Its terrible i've got middle name's picked out lol. I am definitely a loon. It's such a shame db would have made a fabulous dad.

OMG Shelley Im sat here blubbing with my grandson wiping my eyes and saying 'Not cry Andma, silly sausage!!' Oh what a wonderful dream and no, you are not mad. I wasn't trying to conceive in 1996 and I had 3 dreams the same - in each dream Matty and Gareth brought me a baby wrapped up in a blanket. They said he was 'golden boy' and that I had to look after him. My gran said a few weeks later she had a dream and it was the same as mine!! Even though I had not told her about my dreams.

The year afterwards I had Tom and he had golden hair when he was born...

Aww shabbs bless you and Lew. I remember you saying about that dream before. I'm inclined to believe it mums always said i would concieve on db's remember day or birthday. I ovulated just before

Shelley that is so lovely and really good luck for the ttc.

Mini I'm glad your counselling went well. It must be so good to have somewhere to go where you can just talk about everything and not worry about the other person's feelings, or whether they are bored, or whether you ought to stop talking and ask about them. It sounds helpful.

lavandes you are so right. People talk about "moving on" and no one has the faintest clue what they actually mean when they say it! I've always assumed it means accept what's happened, try and forget about it and carry on with life/the future. Tis fairly hypothetical though because as we all know you don't forget and the future is different now because of what's happened. You can't just carry on as if nothing has happened.

Shelley that is a beautiful dream. Really hoping it all comes true :) Oh and you're not a loon - our 2nd childs names are picked out already. The letter A is now really important to us and we've picked "A" names so it connects them to their angel sister. (See I'm a loon too, unconcieved child already named!!)

[Wanders off hoping for a dream like Shelley and Shab!]

Didn't get much sleep again in the end last night. I'm tired all the time regardless of sleep but now I'm just plain shattered and will be evil by the weekend if I don't rest a bit tonight.